Best Week Ever: 2006

Best Week Ever: December 29th

“I feel like a Mermaid!”

-Daphne the dog is eating trash off the floor. I opt to feed her. I go into the closet where Pat keeps the dog food. Half crying, I tell Melissa that there is still cat litter in the closet. She looks down at the dog, as I try not to cry and goes, “Nice job, Daphne!”

-Melissa and I are standing at the checkout line in Jasmine Sola on Newbury St. She points to a display of stickers you put over your nipples if you are not the bra wearing type. The package reads “Low lights are for cars.” Melissa goes, “Sarah those are for you!”

-At the same checkout line, Melissa spots disposable underwear in small convenient packages. She remarks, “Underwear to keep in your purse? It is like oops I just had sex in my car again!”

-Leah informs me she started smoking. I get really excited, clap my hands and scream, “Yay!”

-Leah, Melissa, and I are sitting in a parked car on the streets of Boston unsure of what we are planning to do next. Leah announces, “Lets go get a drink.” Melissa reminds her I stopped drinking. Then they both agree I can just get an O’Douls.

-I woke up in my parents’ house one morning to women speaking Spanish, outside the room I am sleeping in. When I finally get up, I realize my mother has hired cleaning people. I step out of the room to try and figure out if they are still there. I see a sign on the door of the room all my belonging are scattered in and I had been sleeping in, it reads “Do not clean!” I then opt to take a shower.

-I force my mom to go out to eat with me at the Cheesecake Factory. We are waiting for our table. I am sort of just staring at the Cheesecake. A little girl next to me tells me she thinks the chocolate one looks the best. I agree with her. I tell her I love chocolate. She then goes, “I hate cheesecake. It tastes weird.” The grown up in me tells to inform her that Cheesecake is not weird. It is good. I then turn to my mom and go, “Cheesecake is so gross.”

-I am holding my sister’s cat. My mom leans over and goes, “Aw Kiki!” I look up sort of startled. My mom realizes what she said. My sister simply rolls her eyes and goes, “Nice job, Mom!”

-My sister storms into my parents’ house announcing she has Mono. I get excited. I announce, “Hopefully I caught it from her. Then I can stay here for another month and just sleep on the couch and watch movies!”

-I take one of those airport shuttles home, the other night. Half way into my ride, I realize I am going to be the last one to be dropped off. After two hours, we are still no where near close to dropping me off. I opt to begin making friends with my Haitian shuttle driver, who moonlights as a cosmetologist. I keep complaining how hungry I am. After we drop off the last customer, we decide to go to Jack in the Box. As we are waiting in line he announces, “You are my favorite passenger.”

-I am talking to Glen on AIM. I inform him that I am purposely sitting on my phone so someone at work will notice I am doing nothing. They then in turn will tell me I can go home. Glen replies, “Sarah, if I didn’t know you. I think I might love you.”

-I am telling Star I want to move to Hollywood so I can walk to work. She starts giving me the pros and cons of living in Hollywood. She tells me that sometimes you feel like you are too much in the middle of everything. She goes, “At times, I feel like I might wake up and find Cobrasnake taking pictures from my balcony.”

-I arrive at LAX last night and begin talking to one of the promoters. He offers to get me a drink. I inform him I am trying to be sober and no longer drinking. He then stops and goes, “You smell like weed.” I reply, “Well, whatever I am not drinking.”

-I am standing near the bar last night when some dude starts talking to me. He has no idea why I am not in the least bit interested in what he has to say. He starts going on about how girls are always interested in him. I turn to him and simply respond, “Really?”

-We are throwing a party this Friday at cinespace. You should come. It will be the first Friday of every month. Dan and I are discussing it last night. He announces, “Let’s have Stuart DJ the next one.” I agree. I then add, “I am going to have Stuart DJ my next birthday party. Dan looks at me confused and goes, “Wait, when is your birthday party?” I reply, “September!”

-Dana informs me she got extensions. I ask her how she likes them. She announces, “I feel like a Mermaid!”

Best Week Ever: December 22nd

“I am not sure I would be able to handle Sarah Morrison on Christmas.”

-I walk into work one night, this week. Stuart looks at me strangely and asks me if I cut my hair. I get nervous. I tell him I just cut my bangs before I left the house. He is still staring at me. I get fidgety and start trying to fix them. I am asking him if they look bad. He is sort of nodding and announces, “They look bad.” I turn to Jason and ask him about my bangs. He looks at me awkwardly and shrugs. I start to get all flustered and am trying to fix my hair when Stuart grabs me by the shoulders and announces, “Sarah, when boys tell girls they don’t look good, it always means they do!”

-I am informing Stuart that in my age I have developed a taste, but more so an appreciation, for men in suits. I start to name several boys I had never looked at otherwise, but when dressed up suddenly became very attractive. He asks me if I think he would look more attractive in a suit. I tell him, “I am not sure. I can not predict who I will find attractive in suits. It just sort of happens.” He then points to Luke and goes, “Would you have sex with Luke if he was wearing a suit?” I pause, look at Luke, and announce, “I don’t know.” Stuart runs over to Luke and screams, “Sarah says he would have sex with you if you were wearing a suit!”

-Stuart, Luke, and I only HEAR the music on Tuesday evening, due to the fact we are downstairs sitting at the door. I suddenly go, “Oh it is DJ AM!” Stuart looks at me like I am stupid and informs me it is Steve Aoki DJing. I shake my head and go, “I bet I am right, go look!” Not believing me, Stuart runs upstairs to prove me wrong. He quickly returns to tell me I am right. He then inquires how I knew that. I simply responded, “He is my favorite DJ!” Stuart replies, “I thought I was your favorite DJ?” I add, “Well, he is my favorite DJ, next to you!”

-A film producer is talking to Megan, our events coordinator at work one evening, during a screening. Their conversation ends and he heads over to where I am standing and asks me if I had worked on the film. I shake my head and tell him I work at cinespace. He looks at me alarmed and goes, “This place has all the girls huh? I mean Megan, she is a knockout. And you! Well, aren’t you just adorable!” He then sort of shook me, as I awkwardly smiled.

-I lose my phone at work one evening, sort of intoxicated. Due to my level of intoxication, I am unable to even sort of begin to figure out where I may have left it. Someone eventually finds it sitting on the counter right next to where my purse had been. The next day at work my manager looks at me, smiles, and goes, “Oh look, it is the drunkest girl ever!”

-Sergio my hostess counterpart at cinespace is known for his amazing ability to never be on time for work, or anything ever. I am sitting in the office in the middle of the afternoon, when he walks in. I am confused, due to the fact I have never seen him awake before 4pm. My manager is doing some paperwork and without looking up states, “So, you just decided to come to work six hours early to make up for every single time you have ever been late?”

-My grandparents have moved into a retirement community (which we later find out is in Western Massachusetts) from their home in Connecticut. I write Melissa a text message saying I can not go shopping with her, due to the fact I am going to Connecticut. We are on the phone trying to reschedule, when Melissa asks me what time I am returning from this trip to Connecticut. I go, “I forgot. They actually do not live in Connecticut anymore. They live in a Retirement Community.” Melissa adds, “Oh ok! Obviously they don’t live in Connecticut anymore! How could I forget how Retirement homes are states of their own!” I simply add, “More like islands of old people.”

-I receive a Myspace comment this week that reads, “I want to be just like you when I grown up, except smarter and blonde!”

-I meet up with a girl I had been meaning to meet up with for a while. So we are talking about some buisnessish stuff and somehow end up realizing we know a bunch of the same people. All of a sudden she goes, “Have you heard of that girl Dana DeArmond?” I throw my hands up in the air and go, “Dana is a good friend of mine. Please don’t say anything bad about her.” She shakes her head and goes, “No, I love Dana!” I simply responded, “Oh you do?

-Stuart is all excited to tell me that he is coming to Massachusetts for Christmas. He does not really know where in Massachusetts he is going, but after some questioning I figure it out for him. I tell him it is not near Boston, but that I am going to see my grandparents and will be right near by. He pauses and announces, “On second thought, I am not sure I would be able to handle Sarah Morrison on Christmas.”

-I make friends on my six hour plane ride to Boston today. They are a little drunk when we board. They tell me that they have been hanging out at the airport bar for quite a while. They made a friend at the bar. He apparently is sitting in first class and promises to bring them drinks during the flight. Then the girl turns to me and goes, “Then he asked me if I had any E. Is that weird?” I simply state, “Yes, looking for E at the airport is sort of weird.” She nodded.

-Our plane finally lands this evening. And I take out my phone to see what I had missed. Sort of disappointed I turn to the girl next to me, “Only one text message and one email that entire time.” She shrugs, “It is Christmas Eve.” I agree, “I guess people need each other less on holidays!”

-My mom calls to tell me she is at the airport. She wants to know if I have gotten my bags yet. I go, “Um not yet. I found a Dunkin Donuts counter on the way to Baggage Claim!”

Best Week Ever: December 15th

“Tyra says a real model always keeps going!”

-Florin, Dim Mak records latest intern is leaving. Everyone is talking about how they do not want him to go. I announce, “Stay and be my intern. You can pick out my clothes, return my Myspace messages, and drive Katrina places!”

-Everyone is ridiculously hungover from Monday night’s holiday party, Tuesday evening. Megan is confused. She does not understand how people can be hungover at 7pm. I am trying to explain to her how it can happen from time to time. My manager interrupts and simply announces, “It is easier than you think.”

-A boy comes in the door Tuesday at work. I am collecting money and sort of only half listening to what he is saying. He goes, “You looked really pretty Sunday.” I think he is telling me I look really pretty until I hear the word Sunday. I stop what I am doing and look at him and go, “What?” He repeats, “You looked really pretty Sunday…at LAX.” I sort of nodded, weirdly smiled and said, “Oh Ok!”

-I am in the office getting ready for the evening at work. Dave, one of our owners goes, “Smile, Sarah!” .I pause, point at him, and state, “I am saving the smiles for the customers!”

-We get some sort of ridiculous amount of Tab Energy drink delivered to my work. I am looking at it and talking to the delivery boys. I go, “5 calories? They should make someone try to live only on this stuff, for a week.” The delivery boys like this idea. I then shrug, “I am not doing a whole lot right now. Come back in a week!”

-I am sitting at the podium at the top of the stairs at work, last night. I am greeting people and sort of pointing them to their tables. The top of the podium is broken. I know this because every time you put any pressure on it, the top falls entirely through and so do you. Not really thinking I lean on it. The top falls through, I fall through, and somehow the entire thing goes crashing forward on to the ground. A group of boys are walking up the stairs at this very moment. They appear slightly alarmed. I sort of step over the thing and tell them I am heading them to their table. The boys are remarking on my ability to play it cool. I go, “Tyra says a real model always keeps going!”

-Melissa is here this week. Melissa smokes weed all day long and often forgets what she is doing. This includes, but is not limited to, her losing lit cigarettes around the house. She informs me she has switched to smoking American Spirits. I ask her why. She tells me that they put themselves out so they can never start a fire. I go, “Oh good, I feel safer!”

-Some drunk dude comes and sits down next to me and begins hitting on me. I am not really paying attention until he says, “Do you think I am handsome?” I look at him sort of confused and go, “Yes?” He then asks, “Are you just saying that?” I nodded, “Yes.”

-Melissa writes me a text message asking if Chase brought back the stuff he borrowed. I told her he did. She then wrote, “Was it sexy? Did he bring sexy back?” I did not respond.

-Stuart comes in last night and informs me he is DJing. I get excited and tell him I am his biggest fan. I then add, “Actually, I think I am your only fan.”

Best Week Ever: December 8th

“Sarah Morrison, I can see your nipples!”

-It becomes December 5th or something and my landlord writes me a text message sort of suggesting I give him rent. I check my bank account and discover I have 795 dollars. So I write him a check for 790 dollars and hand him a ten dollar bill that I find in the bottom of my purse.

-Brooke informs she is having trouble researching snowboarders because all the sites she is encountering are in German. I tell her that Google has an option to translate websites. I add, “I only know this because when I am bored I Goggle myself. Google translates Italian Teen Vogue’s messageboard for me!”

-Ben calls me and leaves me a voicemail detailing this story. He is hanging out with some girl he is sort of into. He realizes he needs gas and stops at a gas station to fill up his car. He is selecting the grade of gas to put in his vehicle when his dream date inquires what year of gas he plans on using. He pauses and confused goes, “What?” She then explains to him that the grades of gas represent the year the gas was “made.” With this, they had to part ways.

-The dog is bothering me one evening. I stop what I am doing, look down at her and remark, “We are never going to be friends unless you turn into Kiki.”

-Katrina is getting a cell phone. I am signing the paperwork for said telephone. The piece of paper I am filling out has a line that reads “Birth date” then right next to it “Expiration date.” I start to laugh and show it to Katrina. She goes, “Oh yay, you get to pick when you want to die!”

-Katrina is writing down things I need to do while I am saying them out loud. I state, “I need to re-call Russ.” She says, “I am doing to write down confirm with Russ so you sound smarter.”

-Steve Aoki walks in to cinespace Tuesday and I am collecting money at the door. He points at me, walking by me, and announces, “Sarah Morrison, I can see your nipples!” I wave and go, “Welcome to cinespace! Great to see you, too!”

-The only change I am given Tuesday night is ones. I am handing people change for their twenty dollar bills entirely in ones. As I count out fifteen ones for the tenth time, I remark, “Here you go! I was stripping earlier!”

-I am standing at the bar one night at work, waiting for a drink. Some dude next to me offers to buy me a drink. So when the bartender comes over, the gentleman orders. I announce, “He is buying me a drink.” The bartender hands me the beer I wanted. I whisper to him, “Look I am saving us money!”

-I am at the door one night and some dude passing by asks my name. I inform him I do not have one. The security dude working the door only half hears the encounter and inquires, “You don’t have a phone?” I shake my head and go, “I don’t have a name, of course I have a phone!”

-Sean, one of our security dudes and I watch a drunk couple sit on Hollywood Blvd in front of our venue one evening this week. I remark how gross it is that they are sitting there, due to the fact I have watched people puke in that very spot. Sean points to the curb and goes, “I have watched you sit on that curb drunk on Tuesday nights. I have pleaded with you to get up. You just shake your head and tell me to go away.” Sort of defeated I go, “I am going home and dry cleaning every single dress I have ever worn on a Tuesday.”

-The lamest thing in hipster news this week on Gawker is the fact Steve Aoki has a blog. The second lamest thing is a link to this picture of me and Jason “Them Jeans” Stewart is our matching jackets. Gawker calls us “Eskihomos.” I sort of agree.

Best Week Ever: December 1st

“Let’s call DJ AM!”

-Katrina stays at my house while I am in Portland. She brings Gina over, without prepping her for the condition of my bedroom. Gina looks around at the clothes all over the floor. She then notices the dresser drawers not in the dresser, but on the floor holding clothes. She looked around at the whole set-up or lack there of and goes, “Why is there nothing in the closet.”

-I am on the plane back to Portland. The pilot comes on and informs us we are approaching Los Angeles and we should put away our electronic devices. The guy in the row across from me doesn’t seem so into this. The flight attendant approaches him once asking him to put away his laptop. She then asks him twice, then three times. The third time he sort of starts to fake put it away. She gets all worked up and starts telling him he is breaking federal laws and endangering all the passengers. At this point, he just refuses to put the stupid computer away. She starts freaking out. I lean over and go, “Seriously, dude put it away. I will give you a magazine.” He quietly puts the computer under his seat and the worked up flight attendant storms off.

-Gina removes Katrina and me off her Myspace “Top 8” this week. She replaces us with Steve Aoki and DJ AM, respectively.

-We host a pre-parade party at cinespace, last Sunday. The highlight of the event for the kids who attended was a table full of kids from various hit Nickelodeon shows, signing autographs. I receive a phone call from some child star’s mother, after they had headed off to the parade. She was all worked up because her little celeb lost his cell phone, and apparently he has numbers in it that we would die to get. So, I enlist a bunch of kids to run around and look for it. After approximately five minutes, one of the boys goes, “Why are we looking for his phone? It is probably a 3000 dollar phone. It must have a feature where if he loses it, it like runs back to him.” I smile, point at him and remark, “I like you!”

-The organization putting this pre-parade event is giving out toys to children. Correction, they are giving out Barbie sized Jesus, David, and Moses dolls. The dolls recite Bible passages when you press a button on their back. One of the bussers asks, “Who do you think you have to pay for the rights to use Bible passages? Who the hell is making money off these?” I shrug, “The Catholic Church?”

-All my CDs get stolen a while back. Since then, I have only had one CD in my car. It is some Dim Mak records sampler. It has begun to skip. Katrina goes, “Let’s call Jacob to get us another one.” She then pauses and goes, “Let’s call DJ AM!”

-We are watching television and some ad for a new Mel Gibson movie comes on. People begin discussing the weirdness that is Mel Gibson. I simply point at the TV and state, “He is like Borat! He hates Jews!”

-We are at Jesse’s party, Friday night. It gets broken up and we head to another location. I sort of half inform Glen where we are headed. I then tell him to call me. Katrina and I had been there for quite a while, when I decide I should check my phone. It reads “8 Missed Calls.” I am remarking that all eight missed calls are from Glen, as he walks in the door. He starts to go into some rant about how many times he called me. I am holding the phone and go, “Look, I will call you back right now.”

-I write a diary entry about running away. I am telling Katrina about it. I told her how the only thing I brought with me when I ran away was a Spelling Book. She goes, “Ok, I ran away once to my bus stop. What did I bring with me? Um, a pair of pants!”

-Stuart is a DJ! Well, Stuart DJs a party at work Saturday evening. He begins to set up at the DJ booth. He informs me that he has a song that he is going to play just for me. I get the sign halfway through his set that my song is coming up. It was that “Do you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain” song. I told him I loved it.

-Katrina coat checks Saturday night and makes a lot of money. As she is emptying out her tip jar she goes, “Lets go to a real grocery store tomorrow, not 7-11!”

-Ryan the bartender informs me his Improv group is doing a skit on me. Sort of interested, I inquire what it is about. He goes, “Well, it is not necessarily about you but the main character is a disaffected hostess.” I inform him to let me know what happens to her.

-Katrina and I are wandering around Rite Aid last night. We each have a pile of strange purchases we do not really need. We walk by the liquor section. Katrina announces, “Let’s get beer!” I look at her confused and ask why. She shrugs, “Beer is fun! There is nothing else fun to buy.”

-At work on Tuesdays we have a Svedka Vodka promotion. It involves free Vodka and it makes you drunk. Katrina inquires, “Is there a Svedka Rehab?” I go, “They lock you in the closet that Russ uses as his office at Dim Mak.” Katrina adds, “Oh, and they feed you through the bars in the window!”

Best Week Ever: November 24th

“You are like Pamela Anderson and he is Borat!”

-As we walk out of the movie theater, I turn to Kelly, hold up the bottom of my dress, and go, “Look, popcorn juice!” She tells me i am being gross. I remind her that popcorn juice is actually just butter. She then asked me to just call it butter, instead.

-A lot of people up here (in Portland) seem to be getting married or engaged, lately. I find the whole phenomenon to be extremely strange. I simply state over dinner one night, “I don’t get why people are getting married?” Jamey informs me, “It is because they love each other and they want to have babies.”

-We watch the movie Elf one night. I remark once it is finished, “I like Christmas movies. They make me happy I am going to start renting more Christmas movies, maybe it will make me happier.”

-Ashley is excited to see me. She announces, “Let’s go to American Apparel tomorrow! Every time I go in that place I am like, “I wish I could afford this stuff. I wish Sarah was here!” I look at her confused, “Ashley that stuff is like 12 dollars, full price.”

-Brooke is informing a former Yobeat contributor and snowboard photographer extraordinaire that I am in Portland, so “Best Week Ever should be really good this week.” He is excited that I am not in LA, and goes, “Tell Sarah we want less “LA,” and little more “Boston.”

-I am having Brooke read some of my creepy Myspace messages one day. She is reading one where the gentleman details how he loves me and feels like he should be in California because of his love for me. Brooke hands me back the laptop and announces, “You are like Pamela Anderson and he is Borat!”

-Brooke’s coffee maker is broken. Brooke’s coffee maker appears to be completely fine, but the button to turn it off and on has somehow been completely removed. Brooke insists she is going to run out and buy a new one. I tell her not to because I want to fix the coffee maker myself. After I was unable to accomplish anything with a pen cap, I then try a knife until I shock myself. So I boil water. I pour the water through a colander lined with a paper towel with coffee in it. By the time Brooke returns with the coffee maker, I am drinking coffee. She was recapping the story on the phone to a boy she knows, he responded, “Sarah should be on Yuppie Survivor.”

-Brooke is detailing her plans for her Thanksgiving dishes to the staff at Grenade, one afternoon. She begins to list all the dishes she has planned and gets to “hummus.” Dave interrupts, “Hummus and Thanksgiving don’t really go together.”

-We are at the Apple store. I point at a sign in front of me and announce, “If no one steals your Ipod, you can trade it in for a newer model!” A teenage girl nearby starts to laugh and asks, “Someone stole your Ipod?” I turn to her, “Two, actually. I wonder if they traded them in for cooler ones.”

-I am telling Mike how I ran into Travis one night, at my work. Travis and I discuss how high school actually was not that bad, due the amount of losers and geeks we had to be friends with. Most schools only have a few, but our high school had a lot. Mike laughs. I add, “I didn’t even have boobs until like seventh grade. (I pause) Wait actually, I still don’t have boobs.”

-Steve Aoki’s AIM account gets hacked. I suspect this after I receive several “holla” type messages. I did personally enjoy when the hacker called me “shorty” And, I replied, “I am taller than you.”

-I am at some convenience store last night buying ice cream and candy and whatnot. The lady is ringing up my purchases and I ask her if I can get a pack of Parliament lights, as well. She simply shakes her head, gives me the total for my purchases, and says “No.” I stop sort of startled and say, “Wait, I want cigarettes though. Can I get Marlboro lights or something else maybe?” She looks at me irritated and confused, and goes, “I guess.”

-We are watching Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera trying not to look completely miserable hosting the Thanksgiving parade this morning, in the rain. I go, “Katie Couric is probably sitting at home, watching this in her pajamas, and like pointing and laughing at the television.”

-The five year old at our Thanksgiving celebration today gives us a rundown of the gender of all her pets. The cat is a boy, the two dogs are girls, and she is not sure about the fish. She then goes on, “Mom is a girl. Dad is a boy. I am a girl. You are a girl. And, even Brooke is a girl!”

Best Week Ever: November 17th

“Why doesn’t God just shoot me in the face with a hammer!”

-Each week, I finish cinespace’s update then email it to our owners to proof read and approve, before I post it. Dave, one of our venue’s owners happened to be sitting on the patio. So, when I finished this week’s update, I simply walked my laptop over and handed it to him. I told him I felt like it seemed silly to email when I could hand deliver it, like in the olden days. He then added, “Really Sarah, I should thank you for saving us on Broadband.”

-Katrina and I are picking her boyfriend up at the airport. We opt to park instead, of the always interesting curbside pick-up. We decide we are going to smoke weed before walking to the terminal. I then pause and voice my concerns about smoking weed at the airport. Katrina ignores me. I go, “There are probably cameras everywhere.” She is still ignoring me. I then announce, “You will see when we go to pay for parking and it is 200 dollars. You will be like, “Wait we were only here a few minutes?” The parking person will say, ‘Yeah, well we saw you smoking weed.”

-Cory Kennedy texts me while we are still at the airport. It reads something like “Tonight LAX! Go it will be sooo fun.” I turn to Katrina, read the message out loud, and suggest we write back “Already there! What terminal?”

-I inform my roommate Pat that I am going to Portland. I then mumble something about how there is no reason to tell him I am going. “It is not like I have a cat to take care of or anything.” I then begin to wander out of the room. Pat announces, “I will tell you why you should tell me you are going to Portland. So, I do not think you are…I don’t know DEAD.”

-Stuart is eating a Pear, at lunch the other day. All of a sudden, he stops and pauses, turns to me and asks, “Am I eating an Apple or a Pear, right now?” I inform him it is a Pear.

-I have several boys labeled in my phone as “Don’t Pick Up,” for various reasons. Lately, calls I have been avoiding have turned from boys to Credit Card companies, due to the fact I have no money to pay them. I finally labeled both MasterCard and Discover as “Don’t pick up.” Visa has yet to bother me.

-I told Mike I was coming to visit. He asked me if I had told anyone else yet. I go, “I called Kelly and Jamey. That’s everybody in Portland, right?” He responded, “Yes, Sarah those are actually the only two other people who live in this city.”

-Mike then asked if I was going home for Thanksgiving. I quickly responded, “No are you?” Then I stopped, “I am sorry. Your parents moved. I forgot. Is this a touchy subject?”

-I go to the airline counter to check in for my flight. The gentleman behind the counter goes, “Sarah Morrison: destination Honolulu.” I shake my head and say, “I am supposed to be going to Portland. Plus, I can’t really go to Honolulu. I did not bring a bathing suit.”

-I may have lost the Beauty Pageant, a few weeks back. But according to reports, there are photos of me during my talent competition, as well as Gina and Katrina in their Team Morrison shirts in this week’s LA Weekly. And, not a single picture of the Pageant winner. Losers are always cooler.

-I finally pay my Discover Card bill, today. So I opt to pick up their 9th phone call of the day, around noon. The lady on the other end wants to update my account info. She inquires, “Is there an individual close to you that you will give us permission to discuss your account with?” I tell her, “Depressingly enough, no.” She pauses, laughs, and then tells me she is sorry.” I go, “Eh, I am OK with it!”

-I am sitting in the office of uber-hip Snowboarding apparel company Grenade, today for quite a while. One dude gets upset that he has been selected to go out and pick up lunch. He is mumbling something, and then kicks open the door, and yells, “Why doesn’t God just shoot me in the face with a hammer!” The door slams. A boy sitting at a near by desk asks, “Did he just ask us to shoot him in the face with a hammer?” I shake my head, “No, he asked God to.”

-Brooke is on the phone with Jason this afternoon. Jason has managed to get married and move to Chicago, since the last time I saw him single and living in the Northwest, a few months ago. I get on the phone and inform him that I had announced this morning, “It would be funner, if Jason was here.” I then added, “It would also be funner if Kiki was here.”

Best Week Ever: November 10th

“I thought I was coming to save you, but I don’t think you really needed too be saved.”

-I lost the Beauty Pageant Sunday night. I was told by Judge Jesse Camp that he and Preston had my vote. But, Preston and Jesse Camp don’t make you a winner, apparently. There is a video of me very intoxicated at the Dim Mak office, late Sunday discussing my loss that will appear on YouTube soon. I barely remember the video being taken, so this should be must a “view.”

-Katrina and Gina wore homemade “Team Morrison” t-shirts to Sunday’s Beauty Pageant. They were one of the few that actually came to said event. Jacob and Hoon had made comparable awesome t-shirts, but Jacob was not let in. I did tell security he was my little brother.

-Katrina and I are standing outside of cinespace smoking at 5:00pm. Some dude waiting for the bus inquires what is going on inside. He asks, “So what is in there, a rave?” Katrina starts to laugh. I simply respond, “Yes, a rave.” He continues, “You guys just stumbled out of there, huh?” We both nodded.

-I enter my local 711 for my weekly grocery shopping. The cashier is excited to see me. We make conversation for a bit. I then wander around picking out bags of chips and candy that will make my dinner for the week. When it is time to ring me up he throws his hands up in the air and announces, “Everything is free!” I inform him it is not. He goes, “I have been drinking since 7. I go, “Tonight?” He responds, “No this morning!”

-Ryan one of our lovely bartenders at cinespace, decides he is going to find me a “man.” He is the “pirate” last week, concerned about my disaffected nature. I inquire why exactly. He tells me that he thinks something needs to “affect” me.

-I have been sick for more than a month and this has become a concern of most of my fellow employees. So, I cough and some sort of “piece of cough” hits Sergio in the face, as he is sitting a few feet away from me. He starts screaming and yelling. I simply inform him, “I am a sick superhero and this is my super power.”

-I am at a market near my house and am supposed to purchase some sort of alcoholic beverage. I am staring at the beer selection, when some thugged out teenage boys approach me wanting to “party.” I inform them I am all set, but continue to talk to the boys. Some guy comes along, grabs my arm, and informs the boys that he is my boyfriend. After the teenagers disperse, he tells me, “I thought I was coming to save you, but I don’t think you really needed too be saved.”

-We host an event for Kevin Smith’s new documentary, the other night at work. The gentleman running the event informs me he is my biggest fan, loves my columns, and is a member of my fan club. We then take a photo together for his Myspace. My manager comes by as we are posed for our photo, I state, “He is a member of my fan club. You are not.” My manager rolls his eyes and continues on.

-My manger at work, comes into the office and requests that one of us give him the updated sheet on the events for the evening. Megan inquires when he needs it. He replies, “Immediately, if not sooner,” and walks out of the room.

-Someone mentioned going to Beauty Bar late one evening this week. I informed them that I would not being going; due to the fact I was boycotting Beauty Bar because of my contest lost. Jacob screamed, “We will never go to Beauty Bar again!”

-I am walking by a bunch of boys Tuesday night. One of them yells “Happy Birthday.” Then the others begin to chime in. I yell, “It is not my Birthday!” Then one of them responds, “Every Tuesday is your birthday party!”

-Verdell calls and tells me she has bought some pair of shoes that I must see. She informs me that she has emailed me photos. She tells me, “I may not be able to walk in them, but I want them to bury me in them.” She goes on, “Make sure I have some sort of casket with a see through bottom, just enough to see my shoes.” I agreed to do so.

-Britney and Kevin split. We are all devastated by the news. I saw in on TV, and then only moments later, I was informed my internet porn sensation Dana DeArmond, “Oh my god Brit and Kfed went the way of Burt and Lonnie!” We miss you Lonnie.

-Verdell informs me that she had a friend over this week, who needed a tampon. The friend asked where the tampons were. She informs her that they were kept behind the towels in said closet. She asked Verdell why she kept them behind the towels. Verdell simply explained, “They are super. I don’t want guys to think I have a big vagina.”

-I am a YouTube sensation. If you have missed a single Video Blog, you are out of the loop. Go check them out. Sometimes I think, sometimes I think out loud.

Best Week Ever: November 3rd

“Look at what Sarah is wearing now! It can all be yours next season!”

-Still unsure of my “the future” costume for Pat’s Halloween party; I announce that I am going to be Kiki. Pat rolls his eyes, sort of laughing. He than demands that this not happen. I tell him it will be cute. I will wear a collar that says “Kiki. I run away a lot,” like the one she had. I go, “At some point in the night, you will probably find me passed out in my Kiki costume on the bathroom floor, with a bottle of Vodka in my hand!” Pat shakes his head and walks away.

-Pat has a Halloween party Saturday night. Initially I was into, but then opted to uninvite everyone I actually knew and sit in the back on the computer. I went in the house at 2 am, to use the bathroom and eat pizza. I ate my pizza then waited to get in the fridge, while two drunk dudes were scoping out its contents for anything that had alcohol in it. I pushed them aside, and grabbed a carton of milk. I drank some, then put it back. The boys stood straight up and looked at me admiringly. Then one announced, “You just drank Milk. That was awesome.” I go, “You can have some!”

-Katrina asks one of our bartenders what he “is” Sunday, for early Halloween. He tells her he is a pirate. I look at him again to see how exactly he is a pirate. He points at me and announces, “And, Sarah is…I know…disaffected!”

-Katrina and I clean my room. In the process, I pull out all the clothes I no longer wear. I fill an entire trash bag and offer them to Katrina and Dora. Katrina does very well with the bags contents. She has worn a completely “new” outfit each day this week, of clothing that formerly belonged to me. Someone tells her they like her dress, at work one night. She announces, “I should take pictures of me wearing all your clothes and post a blog of me in all these outfits. I will be like look at what Sarah is wearing now! It can all be yours next season!”

-I am smoking a cigarette on the patio, at work one evening. A gentleman comes over and asks if I mind if he shares my ashtray. I look down and see it full of cigarette butts. I respond, “Well, it looks like others have shared it before. So, why not!”

-I am telling Stuart I was disappointed in the whole Halloween thing (where Dora takes off and takes off her Power Puff girls’ outfit, leaving only two Power Puff girls.) He responds, “Sarah, this is why you should not be hanging out with 18 year olds.”

-Another disappointment and one of more significance, Dan does not dress up at me, like he promised. He was G.I. Joe or something comparable. I inform him, “You know this means you are going to have to dress up as me for Thanksgiving!”

-I remind Jacob that my Beauty Bar Beauty Contest Semifinals are Sunday night. I instruct him to be there. I tell him I want to make sure everyone cheers the loudest for me. He goes, “I am going to wear a Sarah Morrison t-shirt!”

-Melissa is all worked up about the cable bill. I am supposed to drive to Eagle Rock and put it in my name. This is supposed to be on the top on my nonexistent “to-do list.” After another message about it, Katrina remarks, “I don’t even ever see you guys watching TV.” I reply, “Yeah, I really only watch Sex and the City DVDs.”

-Mike sends me some camera phone picture of “Sarah M + Mat B” carved in cement. He inquires, “So who is Mat B?” Mat if you are out there, call me. Mike has my number.

-Some boy I work with comes over to me and begins staring at my jacket. He inquires, “What is that made of?” I go, “I don’t know…jacket?

-I am verbally relaying a phone message to Christian, today at work. I am sort of talking in circles, but I get what I am trying to say. I also think Christian understood it somehow. Stuart is staring at me the entire time. Once I finish he goes, “Christian, if you did not understand that, she can type it up in a blog and you can read it on the internet. Or, better yet she can video tape herself explaining it and you can go watch it on YouTube!”

-My manager walks in to the office today. I am sitting and staring at a giant picture of Kiki on my laptop. He looks to see what I am doing. I go, “Want to look at pictures of my dead cat?”

Best Week Ever: October 20th

“I thought it was important. You were wearing glasses.”

-Katrina and I are discussing ideas for inventions that we both have. I let her in on my caffeinated toothpaste idea. She discusses some of her concerns with my product, which I defend. She then inquires, “What is it going to be called?” I stop to think for a second. Then Katrina announces, “I know! Best Toothpaste Ever!”

-I have had a cold off and on for what is starting to seem like forever. I inform my fellow employees at work that I wish they made nose tampons, for runny noses. We then decide that they could market them as “Tamponose.”

-We end up in Orange County or as I like to call it Mexico at some new dance night. Luke, Jacob, and Florin all show up, as well. Luke and I use the remainder of Cory Kennedy’s drink tickets. Later, he is over at the bar buying her a drink. He yells to Katrina, “Ask Sarah, what Cory is drinking?” Katrina yells back, “Alcohol!”

-We play the “who should drive home game,” after the Orange County festivities come to a close. I inform the carpool that I have only had two beers, but I do not have my glasses. I announce, “Me driving without glasses is like I had four beers.”

-I arrive at work in a grey t-shirt, red slip, green tights, and gold bra. I had changed my tights from purple to green at the last minute, due to a run in the other pair. Not until I arrive at work and encounter my coworkers, do I realize I look like some sort of holiday elf, or walking Christmas tree. I am in the kitchen, putting a cake away in the walk in freezer. My manager, who has not yet commented on my ensemble, opens the door and yells, “Sarah what are you doing? Is Santa in there?”

-Twenty something people are sitting in one room socializing, after cinespace gets out Tuesday evening. It is decided that a cab needs to be called, in order to get a bunch of girls back to their car. As one intoxicated person after another screams the address into the speaker phone, things keep getting worse. More people start yelling. After calling the cab company numerous times, and them hanging up, the group began to feel defeated. Until one boy I know quietly remarked, “Why don’t you take it off speak phone?” Everyone sort of looked at him like he was a genius and the cab was called successfully.

-One of our owners at work comes over and asks me how I am doing. I sort of unenthusiastically reply, “Great.” He adds, “You don’t sound like you are doing great.” I point at him, and go, “And, that is why I am a hostess, not an actress.”

-I go over to Katrina’s house one afternoon looking for her. Her boyfriend answers the door, then goes to get her for me. She comes to the door looking sort of concerned. I tell her I want her to go to this thing at Vine Bar with me. She relaxes and runs to get her stuff. Her boyfriend shrugged, “I thought it was important. You were wearing glasses.”

-The office door at Dim Mak gets locked from the inside. Poor Jacob can not get in to sleep. People are shoving library cards and video store cards in the door to try to get it open. I give Ron my maxed out MasterCard to use. We leave the door with all the cards wedged in it, give up, and return to my house. I receive an inquiry from a boy who works there as to why my MasterCard is sitting on his desk. I explain the situation. I inform him he can throw it out or carry it around in his wallet. He tells me he is going to carry it around in his wallet and flash it to try to get into clubs.

-I run into Alec at Beauty Bar. Alec lives in San Diego. He is one of my brothers old roommates, or as I commonly refer to him, “my Jewish brother.” I had not seen him in a year or so. He was in LA on business. I was excited to see him. I go, “This is so much better than running into my actual brother!”

-We are discussing that dance night in Orange County we went on that field trip to. A boy I know who did not attend, remarked, “I want to go! I love sixteen year old girls.” I turn to him and announce, “You do not have to go all the way to Orange County. There are sixteen year olds, right here at the mall!”

-I am pouring Katrina a drink, Friday night. I point to the cup, asking if she wants me to fill it up more. She goes, “Just leave room for the straw!”

Best Week Ever: October 13th

“You are like Bettie Page, but you don’t live in a trailer.”

-Stuart inquires why I am not drinking on Tuesday evening, as I hold a water at 11pm. I go, “I threw up last Tuesday.” Drink in hand, he shrugs and announces, “I threw up Saturday.”

-A girl I know shows up Tuesday evening at cinespace, with a bunch of her friends I had never met. She introduces me to all of them, then announces, “And this is Sarah. She is famous.”

-I have to have a talk with Dora about security’s issue with her standing on the couches on Tuesday evenings at my place of employment. She agrees to stay on the floor the entire evening. I am waiting to get paid as we are closing. Dora comes over to me and informs me she did not stand on a single couch the entire evening. She then adds, “You would be really proud of me. I have actually been telling other people to get off the furniture too.”

-We are playing Black Jack late one evening this week. Dan sort of intoxicated is sitting two people away from me, chanting “Sarah Morrison is so hot.” Steve informs him that I am sitting two chairs away, which Dan knows. Each time it comes around to Dan’s turn, and his choice whether to “hit him or not.” He announces, “Sarah Morrison me, and slams his hand down or the table. He then lost a few hundred dollars.

-Ron and I are discussing how we met. A boy we both know is enjoying the story. He motions to Ron to get his camera out and offers to take a picture of the two of us. Both of us shake our heads. Ron announces, “There are enough pictures of the two of us.” I agree, “Like we already have the entire slide show for the wedding, at this point.”

-Katrina is approached by two drunk dudes hitting on her. One of them remarks, “You look fucking awesome.” Knowing exactly what he said, Katrina looks at him outraged and states, “I do not look like a fucking possum,” and storms off.

-Steve from 90210 attended some sort of event yesterday at my work. I was going to ask to get a picture with him, but couldn’t find him in the crowd. When he was exiting, I yelled, “Bye Steve!” Ginger said he turned around and looked “a little pissed.”

-The floor of my truck is covered in crap. There is a set of dishes, a bunch of magazines, some extra clothes, a lot of empty Starbucks cups, and a bunch of other stuff I have not really acknowledged in a while. Jacob and I drive back from cinespace the other night and park on Fountain. The next day I notice one Marc Jacobs’ shoe on the floor and am unable to find its match. After work, Katrina and I decide to drive back to where Jacob and I had parked the previous evening, hoping by some strange chance the shoe was actually there. When we pull up, we see the shoe. The two of us started screaming and yelling. I go, “This is like Cinderella!” Now I get to find Price Charming!” I then pause as Katrina and I try to put the pieces of the actual Cinderella story together. We come to the realization that the prince was supposed to find the shoe. Katrina convinced that Stuart and I am supposed to live happily ever after together announces, “We have to hide the shoe, so Stuart can find it!”

-Jason and I are discussing some work stuff this morning. At some point, I am talking about our respective roles in the task at hand. Jason announces, “You are a valuable asset.” Flattered I go, “No, you are a valuable asset!”

-Katrina and I drive by a convertible today with two children in the backseat. She announces, “I would never drive with my kids in a convertible. I would be afraid they would fly out.”

-Katrina and I are walking up Ivar today. I hear someone yell “Sarah Morrison,” and see a car slowing down. I look at the car, and the girl begins to roll her window down. I do not recognize her. I wait for her to say something. She just starts laughing, points at me and yells, “The internet!”

-I am expressing my concern over people pulling my writing and photos and using them without my consent. I explain the whole ordeal to Katrina, after I get off the phone with a boy who is helping me sort out some of the matter at hand. Katrina pauses then announces, “You are like Bettie Page, but you don’t live in a trailer.”

Best Week Ever: October 6th

“Something bad happened.”

-We end up short on servers Monday evening, at work. My manager informs me I have a half an hour to sort of learn how to put orders in the computer because I will be waitressing during dinner. I look at him like I want to run away. He is giving me a sort of run down on how we are going to make this work and is laughing. I pause and ask, “Are you laughing?” He adds, “Sarah, I am only laughing to prevent you from crying.”

-I am watching a movie in the back Tuesday, when Stuart text messages me informing me that he is running late. He asks me to go set up the door downstairs. I tell him that one of the security guys already brought everything down. He then instructs me to “bring it back up stairs and do it again.”

-Stuart and I are discussing the events of the evening prior, in the office one afternoon this week. Megan turns to us and asks us to stop gossiping. Stuart goes, “It is not gossiping, when we are talking about ourselves.

-Dora and I are sitting on the patio as security is kicking people out, late Tuesday evening. One of our owner’s comes and sits down next to us and jokingly tells us we have to leave. As which point Dora goes, “Sarah works here! She does cinespace’s Myspace profile!”

-Dora and I are talking to two boys she knows that are twins. I inform them that Dora and I are also twins. Even know I am a brunette and she is a blonde. We are ten years apart in age, and she lives in the Valley.

-I am doing the door Friday night at work. Some guy comes in, hands me his ticket, and announces, “If you are not famous, you should be.” I look up, point at him, and go, “I like you!”

-Friday evening, a girl I know shows up at cinespace, while I am working the door. She tells me she wants to introduce me to the boy she is out with. I do not inform her she introduced him to me Tuesday evening, and just go along with it. He shakes my hand and looks at me like he recognizes me. I go, “I met you on Tuesday. I was in this exact spot and you were standing right there. He goes, “You look different.” I inform him, “I changed my clothes.”

-Katrina and I are in the car one day. She remarks that she is having fun, during our day’s adventures. I pause and go, “It would be funner if Kiki was here.”

-I take Katrina to the doctors at some insanely early hour, Saturday morning. We are sitting in the waiting room, when some guy delivers a newspaper. The newspaper is entirely in Chinese. Katrina holds it up. There is a giant picture of some building collapsing on the front page. I announce that I will read it. I point to the Chinese headline, and read outloud, “Something bad happened.”

-Sara one of our waitresses at work, disappears for a month. She returns last night and is asking me for a recap on work. She asks me what’s new. What has changed? I pause and think for a moment and announce, “Oh, Ginger makes pot Brownies, now!”

-My bedroom door has one doorknob. So, when I shut it I have to make sure I turn the doorknob around. Since this is a task I am unable to keep up with, my roommates have simply grown accustomed to me climbing out my window and coming in the front door when I have locked myself in my room. Pat returned home today from errands excited and informed me he bought me a present. I yelled, “A Kiki cat?” He announced, “A doorknob!”

-I decide to look on Craigslist for a cat. I find a story of this cat that had been rescued during hurricane Katrina and nearly dead. The family saved her and now they are moving overseas. I send them an email expressing my interest in the kitty. I am telling my mom how I feel like this cat and I are destined to be together. I remind her that I rescued Kiki also, when I took her from Oregon from Mark and Jamey’s house. My mom goes, “You rescued her? From what, Mark?”

-Pat and his girlfriend walk in the livingroom, as I am on the phone with Brooke. Brooke is giving me the rundown on her week. It becomes my turn and I announce, “I went to the gynecologist and I threw up on Tuesday night.” They laughed and walked out of the room, but Brooke seemed impressed.

Best Week Ever: September 29th

“Someone killed my cat for my birthday!”

-Katrina and I are talking and I am apparently half listening. She says, “They are like relax and all of a sudden WHAM!” I add, “And, you are like um I thought we were just kissing?” She looks at me confused and informs me, “I was talking about the gynecologist.”

-I am purchasing a pack of cigarettes at a local liquor store. The guy ringing me up asks, “How old are you?” I hand him my license. He laughs and announces, “You are old enough to buy anything!” I smile and go, “Thanks!”

-Dora calls while Katrina and I are driving down Cahuenga looking for parking. She asks me if i am at cinespace yet. I inform her that “Me and Cahuenga are looking for parking.”

-Katrina and I are watching some E! show. They are showing these new purses with a fluorescent light around the lining, so you are able to see inside your bag. All the purses they show are little. I remark that they should make big bags. Big bags are the ones that really need it. Then Katrina reminds me that a little fluorescent light would not help a bag the size of the ones we carry around. I announce, “My bag would need a chandelier.” Katrina adds, “Mine would need a small man carrying a flashlight.”

-Katrina and I decide to play a game. It goes like this, one of us says a number and the other person has to go to through their Myspace comments to that respective page. You then have to respond to a question or comment someone wrote months or years ago, and post a response to it on *said* person’s page. One of the first comments I randomly respond to is from John in June. It reads, “I am in big trouble!” I comment back, “So are we!” John quickly writes back, “So are we? What are you talking about? Are you high again?” And, with that John won the game.

-Katrina and I are sitting in my front yard. I am complaining about the parking situation by the house and suggest we should start taking the bus to work. Katrina gets excited and announces, “Yeah, the bus is like a dollar!” I add, “And if we end up in Hollywood at four in the morning, we can take a cab home.” Katrina pauses, and then reminds me, “Wait that’s not a dollar.”

-I work the door on Tuesdays with Stuart. He is wandering around cinespace looking for me, as it approaches 10 pm Tuesday. I realize the time, but I am watching a movie in the back when he finds me. I lean over and go, “Do you need me?” He tells me “Soon.” I go, “Do you want me to come now?” He shrugs and goes, “Five minutes.” Katrina sort of laughing and sort of alarmed asks, “Do you want me to leave you guys alone?”

-Stuart gets evicted from his house the day before his birthday. I try to make him feel better and announce, “Someone killed my cat for my birthday!”

-Jason and I are in a meeting at work about a new promotion we have going. They ask me how I am planning to promote the evening being discussed. I announce, “Myspace, I have like 9000 friends.” Jason goes, “That is a lot for a girl who does not take her clothes off.” They then ask what my market is. To which I respond, “Well, 90 percent of them are girls, and ten percent of them are guys that would like me to take my clothes off.”

-Katrina takes a picture of Stuart and me working the door, Tuesday night. We both head over to the camera to see the photo. She goes, “Aw you guys would make a cute couple!” To which Stuart responds, “We would either make a really cute couple or a really great brother and sister. No one is sure, yet.”

-My dad is in the San Diego County area on business. I drive down to San Clemente to meet him this week. I arrive to where we are planning to meet. I get out of the truck and start to look around. A gentleman nearby looks at my truck, my Massachusetts plates, then announces, “You are from home.” I nod and respond, “And, a little homesick.”

-My dad and I are eating lunch at the beach. I am telling him that I think I have a cavity or something. I go, “My tooth is bleeding.” He announces, “Sarah, teeth don’t bleed.”

-Steve Aoki shows up at cinespace and I am not there. Katrina is there by herself. He looks at her confused and goes, “Wait, do you work here?” She tells him that she does. He goes, “I thought you just sat here and hung out with Sarah.”

-Katrina and I decide we are going to take a road trip. I can not think of anywhere we should go. She announces, “the Grand Canyon!” She decides to ask people how far the Grand Canyon is from LA. The first girl she asks tells her it is 36 hours away. Katrina looks at the girl alarmed. I roll my eyes and go, “We could be in Boston in 36 hours. I will take you to the Grand Canyon.”

Best Week Ever: September 22nd

“I love you, but if you don’t die, I am taking it back.”

-Melissa, Will, and I are out at dinner in Austin. Will asks Melissa if she has ever told me that she loves me. She starts laughing uncomfortably. He instructs her to tell me right then and there that she loves me. She does not. I go, “I could die on the plane back to LA tomorrow. She responds, “I love you, but if you don’t die, I am taking it back.”

-I arrive at LAX, after sleeping most of the plane ride on my tray table. I get off the plane and spot a Starbucks, so I enter its Space Mountain-esque line and wait for my turn. The guy in front of me is some sort of Evangelist and is handing out pamphlets from his place in line to those surrounding me. And, with that I was back in Los Angeles.

-I am waiting for Katrina to pick me up from the airport, before I realize that she is not actually coming, nor is anyone else. I am sitting on my luggage in the median area, where people wait for rental shuttles and whatnot. Some police officer asks me if I am getting on a shuttle. I tell him I am not. He tells me if I do not move back to the airport sidewalk he will write me a 65 dollar ticket. I shrug and say, “That’s fine.” He walks away going, “I will write it up if you don’t move.” I yell, “Fine.” He never returns.

-I arrive home and discover my house has hosted some sort of giant party the previous evening. Melissa and Kiki are gone, and everything is in disarray. My luggage is still in the driveway, so I throw it in the back of my truck and drive south, until I get hungry and tired. I find a motel somewhere near San Diego. I paid for one night initially, but ended up staying two. I like motel rooms. They have no discernable past. Homes have stories. Motels don’t talk.

-I begin working on my website while in exile. I needed a Kinko’s to scan some old photos. So, I Mapquested the closest one and headed over there. After returning, I receive a Myspace message from a girl telling me she just saw me at a Kinko’s in Oceanside and was “too starstruck” to say Hi.

-Have you been reading my diary? You should be. It is a collection of stories from the past and present. I am adding them periodically each week. With each story, you begin to understand who I am and how I got here. I recommend it. It is called thesarahmorrison.com.

-I tell my manager at work that I am running home to change before I work the door, Tuesday night. He goes, “Do they pay you to do that?” I stare at him confused and go, “Yes they pay me. I do not work for free. I am not a Girl Scout.”

-I am waiting for Stuart Tuesday night outside the office. Some very drunk boy approaches me and asks me if I know him. I tell him I do not. He goes on to ask if I am “Sarah Morrison.” I nod. He goes, “I thought I met you two weeks ago. This girl told me she was you.” Confused I say, “She said she was “Sarah Morrison?” He shakes his head, “No, she said her name was Vanessa.”

-I am on my way out of cinespace at like 2 something, and my hand is grabbed by a boy I know. He is pulling my arm and insisting I come with him to a party that “Paris is at.” I pull away and inform him I am going home. He looks at me confused and asks, “What is wrong with you tonight?” I shrug, “I am trying to be a grown up this week.”

-One of my owners at work comes over to congratulate me on some sort of minor accomplishment, this week. I knew exactly what he was referring to yet responded, “On what? My cat dying?” He tried not to laugh and said, “No, Sarah not on your cat dying.”

-I mention something about being 27 to Stuart, who reminds me he is also 27. I then remind him he is almost 28. He informs me he is planning to stay 27 forever. I tell him I would like to be 23 forever. He then tells me he likes 27. He continues, “You are not too old to get the young girls, and the older girls still want you.” I look at him like he is insane and continue what I was doing.

-Katrina calls to see if I can pick her up from work. She then asks if I can call her boyfriend to see if he can pick her up, instead. I am leaving a message for Blake detailing that I dropped off Katrina at work and that she needs a ride home. I go on to tell him that one of us needs to pick her up, and that he needs to call me back as soon as possible. I then realize what I am saying and go, “I feel like we are an amicably divorced couple with shared custody of the kids.”

-EJ is moving to NYC. He asks me for my email in case I ever get off of Myspace. I am writing it down when I pause and announce, “If I ever disappear from Myspace something is horribly wrong. I suggest calling the Cops.” I then finished writing down my email, and hand him back his notebook.

-I am squatting on the ground behind the host stand at work surrounded by cases of beer that need to be relocated, when Stuart comes over. He inquires, “Is there a barback here?” I shake my head and point across the room and inform that “the bar is over there.”

-Apparently I have a fan club. It looks sort of awesome. I have no idea who is doing it, but who ever they are I sort of like them. Be their friend because having a fan club with 14 friends is sort of depressing.

Best Week Ever: September 15th

“I know you are not happy, but pretend to be happy. Americans are supposed to be happy.”

-Katrina and I are in a local retail establishment shopping and visiting with Jessica. Jessica asks me about the status of some boy we all know that I had accidentally made out with a few times, and is notorious for doing the above and being an asshole about it. Katrina goes, “She announced she was deleting him out of her phone.” I nodded. Jessica goes, “Oh good Sarah. Then you would never see him again!”

-I am walking down Hollywood Blvd, after work Friday evening at approximately 2am. I am approached by some young boy. He asks me what I am doing. I tell him that I am leaving work. He then inquires, “Where do you work? A lingerie store?” To which I respond, “Yes, a lingerie store.”

-I am squatting on the ground flipping through the new La Weekly looking for an ad I am in at 2:30 am, in front of that news stand on Cahuenga. I am discovered by a drunk gentleman I know, who decides to keep me company. Drunk club goers seem to sort of be successfully maneuvering around me, so I opt not too move. A group of dude

1 reply
  1. Tyler Goodwine
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