The Legendary Banked Slalom 2000


I’ve already written one story about the 17th Annual Banked Slalom (for EXPN), but it’s not up yet, and I don’t want to be accused of being a slacker, so I’m writing another one. This one, however, is going to be far from a real story, I’ve had just about enough of that.

I don’t know who this is, but they didn’t win.

Matt Hammer is obviously from Mammoth. Look at all the god beams.

Very mediocre Terje photo.

Mikey Bolster in front of scenic Mt. Shuksan.

Event Vitals

Date: January 26-28 (yes, I missed seeing the damn Bluejays win the Superbowl).
Age: 17 damn years. (That’s almost as old as me.)
Competitors: 200 or so, all who went through a cut-throat selection process. (Bastards)
Running Time: Three damn days. Four runs total for each rider. (You tell me why it took that long.)

Witty and insightful, yet somewhat unrelated quotes:

“I haven’t taken a shower since I got here. It’s okay, we have a hottub.” Josh Dirksen. Maybe the extra dirt gave him enough extra weight to get third?

“Who’s got the duct tape?” Jeff Hambelton trying to put on his bib.

“There everywhere, you’re bound to trip over one sooner or later.” Marie Grindlay on all the damn snowboards laying around.

“If I wanted to go faster, I’d wear spandex.” Siofan Davies explaining she was taking off her jacket simply for mobility purposes.

“I’m gonna be like a jackrabbit on crack out of that gate.” Mark Landvik.

“Show me the spot and Deez will make it hot.” Derek Liska on the Banked Slalom.

“Shit on a fucking ass shit, bitch.” Marcus Adolf.

“It ain’t easy being this slow.” Andy Hetzel on his 1:30

“I came here to drink some Red Bull and kick some ass, and the Red Bull is almost gone.” Jesse Burtner, who finished spmewhere in the 40’s.

“What the hell possessed you to bring a ventriloquist dummy to the party anyway?” Scott Rouse (Don’t ask me)

“That bear claw is bigger than your head.” Jesse Burtner to Catherine Nieves.

“Donkey, Granny, Donkey, Rodeo, Sims, Terje, Donkey, double hit combo, Baker, Winner’s Jacket, Donkey.” Jason Speer, words not said in this order, but certainly repeated enough.

“Brooke, go to my court date for me. It will be a really good journalistic experience for you.” Catherine Nieves after getting a citation for being underage and trying to get into the party.

“I would have won if it wasn’t for my time.” Anyone who didn’t win.

That’s it. That’s the story. Eat it.

My money shot of the weekend. Matt Ferguson.

Oh yeah, results:
Pro Men

Temple Cummins 1.2957
Sylvain Duclos 1.2984
Josh Dirksen 1.2992
Rob Morrow 1.3078
Matt Goodwill 1.3128
Arlid Brun-Kjeldaas 1.3138
Terje Haakonsen 1.315
Guy Deschenes 1.3171
Thomas Ligonnet 1.3185
Joey McGuire 1.3189

Pro Women

Barrett Christy 1.3827
Victoria Jealouse 1.3935
Marni Yamada 1.4033
Catherine Nieves 1.4132
Stacy Thomas 1.4301
Tanya Simonson 1.43.96
Marguerite Cossettini 1.4403
Martina Magenta 1.4417
Lisa Quirici 1.465
Allison OBrien 1.4582