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Vail Resorts Launches Lift-Line Beer Delivery to Quell Complaints of Long Wait Times at Breck

The following is a work of satire. Please read at your own risk of misinterpretation.

The queue for Breck’s Independence chair. Photo: Disbanded

For the winter of 2018, Vail Resorts announced it will be beta testing a new in-line beer delivery service at Breckenridge: #LineBeers. In partnership with the food delivery app GrubHub and Pabst Blue Ribbon, thirsty guests may request a beer while in the queue of any lift line and have the beer delivered before reaching the midpoint of the line.

Breck COO Joe Bueller is well aware that the wait times for the Colorado Super Chair and Rocky Mountain Super Chair can be frustrating during peak times. But he is is confident that this will make long wait times more enjoyable. “For the majority of our guests, weekends and holidays are the only time they get to enjoy our world class terrain. Conventional wisdom states that even at 10,000 feet PBR cannot get you drunk. Therefore we are confident that our high speed quads and world-class terrain will keep people safely buzzed until they return to the beer pick up location!”

Vail Resorts is excited it to help bolster the local community and create a more robust gig economy within Summit County. According to our sources, Breck will be staffing a group of lift-adjacent can-collection experts, in addition to adding thousands of additional orders for GrubHub’s delivery specialists in order to provide this new beer delivery option to its valued customers.

While Vail Resorts expects this will alleviate over-crowding frustration, some seasonal-locals are skeptical. “So you’re saying I can have a $15 PBR delivered to me in the lift line? No thanks,” grumbled Matt Merriweather. Local stoner Dan Burner was able to put down his bong full of legal weed long enough to say, “I doubt locals will use it much.  We take those chairs to get up high and we stay high till the end of the day.”

Passed out drunk on the snow

Debbie and crew after half a day of riding. Photo: Mike N.

However, the chance to use an app to maintain their buzz seems to be striking a positive note with the bulk of Breck’s clientelle.

“Does this mean I don’t have to get out of line to to order beer once I run out of vodka?!” Debbie, a seasoned vacationer from Dallas, Texas wondered.

Once all the metrics on guest satisfaction are in, the ski patrol’s safety reports are measured, and profit margins are assessed, Vail Resorts hopes to roll out a similar service at Vail Ski Resort, Beaver Creek, Keystone, Heavenly Mountain, Kirkwood Mountain, Northstar California, Park City Mountain Resort, Stowe, Afton Alps, Mount Brighton, Wilmot Mountain, Perisher Ski Resort and Whistler Blackcomb in the next 200 years.

30-Something Reasons Colorado Sucks

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It’s often been commented, “Yobeat hates Colorado.” So much so that it’s become a running joke every time we feature a CO edit. Now, it’s not entirely to say that we, the staff of Yobeat, hate the place – it has a few redeeming qualities. Southern Colorado terrain is insane, if you wanna ride parks they’re some of the best in the country, and you get drunk way easier at 10,000 feet. But that’s where it stops. The following are all the reasons the Silver State sucks.

1. Bros

You’re sure to run into your fair share of bros at any ski area, comes with the territory, really. But Colorado boasts a special brand of arrogant, drunk, legally-high assholes. Granted most of them are on probably there on vacation from Indiana, but they choose Colorado! That’s gotta say something.

2. Skiers

Skiers are everywhere and for the most part harmless, but in Colorado, they actually think they’re cool because they ski.

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3. Long Traverses

Snowboarders at Vail literally ride with poles.

4. Lack of snow

Now I’m not talking about Southern Colorado, we all know Wolf Creek gets dumped on blah blah blah, but anyone who actually lives in Colorado can tell you those storms are few and far between. And half the time when it snows, the snow is too damn light to actually cover anything.

5. High Prices

$110 for a day ticket? $50 for parking? We’re good.

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6. High altitude

Summit County is based around 9000 ft. The base lodge at Silverton is at 10k. As we mentioned before, high altitude is great for getting drunk efficiently, but it also makes it hard to breathe, makes putting on your boots the hardest thing ever, and makes it hard to sleep. But the biggest issue with the thin air is you just can’t think straight, which may explain why everyone in Colorado is such a kook.

7. Never Summer

Oh you make your snowboards in the US? Cool story. Remember when they tried to patent reverse camber?

8. Shitty avy conditions

When and if it does snow, the Colorado backcountry is downright treacherous. Stay alive out there, kids.

9. Rich people

With places that are expensive comes the people that can afford them. Now, aside from the “corest” kids, most snowboarders do come from means, but I’m talking about the shitty rich people. The ones that look down on you just because you haven’t taken a shower in a week and you like to have a beer on the first chairlift. Yeah them. Fuck them.

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10. Nazi ski patrol

Cut a rope? Lose your pass. Go fast? Lose your pass. Have fun? Lose your pass. Now, as I personally know a ski patroller in Colorado who’s almost an alright guy, but there are just a few too many rules at the “big resorts” for me.

11. It’s cold as fuck

Oh cool, high of negative 5 today? Fuck you.

12. It’s flat as hell

This is of course, what causes the long traverses, but even the “steeps” of Summit County are ya know, pretty mellow.

13. Texans

They get even worse due to the lack of Oxygen.

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14. Oxygen Bars

I’ve never been in one, but I assume it’s horrible. I mean, they have them in Los Angeles.

15. It’s windy, everywhere

Again, flat + tiny little excuses for trees make for the whipping wind experience that is an every day occurrence.

16. The lift lines at Breck and Keystone

Ever been to either place on a weekend? Then you know. You are better off just crushing your own skull under a large truck.

17. The Traffic on I-70

You know what’s the best part of a day riding in Colorado? The six hours you spend in traffic in I-70 to get there from Denver!

18. General Overhype

Local pride is real, so we get it. You love where you live and that’s why you live there. But would it kill you to just be honest with the other people. Hell, maybe it would keep some of them away and solve two of the aforementioned problems.

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19. Vail Resorts

Nuff said.

20. Fake snow totals on the reports

Sure, maybe there are 7-inch drifts around your measuring stick, but what you actually mean is “a dusting.” While not entirely a exclusive-to-Colorado phenomenon, resort marketers seem to get extra creative in the Rockies.

21. 3.2 Beer

Yes, you can get real beer in the Liquor store or any of the 40,000 craft breweries, but damn it, I want to pick it up with my groceries, and that shit is 3.2. Worst part, unless someone tells you this, you can spend your whole vacation wondering why you’re not getting drunk, even at 10,000 feet.

22. Tourists on Weed

Tourists are the worst – always screwing up driving, getting lost, asking stupid questions. And in Colorado, they’re all high as hell. Good luck with that.

23. Every 13 year-old can double cork

It’s just not fair how good these little brats are.

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24. Angry Snowboarder. 

Just chill out, dude. Smoke some legal weed perhaps.

25. Legal Weed

It’s not that we’re not in favor of legal weed, as we just mentioned, but we’re pretty sure the feds blew up Leo’s just to prove a point. Not to mention the annoying bi-products that have come because of it such as dabs, oils, weed snobs, etc.

26. Mountain academy kids in general

Mountain Academies attract two types of people: rich kids who love to snowboard and rich kids who’s parents think they’re going to be the next Shaun White. And everyone knows, we don’t need another Shaun White.

27. Superpipes

Remember when we had 9′ halfpipes? That was fun.

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28. CU Boulder

Frat boys, college kids, and all the shit that goes along with that.

29. People from the Midwest think it’s the only place you can snowboard

If you’ve never left the grain belt, and your only impression of snowboarding is movies like Out Cold and Cloud Nine, you probably don’t know there are more mountains on the other side of Colorado. And why would you care?

30. Made-for-TV contests

Oh good, ESPN is in town. Let’s jack up the prices and block off the streets! Remember the Dew Tour, it wasn’t all in Colorado, but it was obviously Colorado’s fault.

31. Long boarders.

We already explained that one. Click the link.

32. Moguls. 

It’s a guarantee you will accidentally end up in a mogul field riding in Colorado if you don’t know where you’re going. And if you like riding moguls, well, I just don’t know.

32.5 Vail Resorts.

Yes, we know we already said that, but fuck. Come on, man.

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Vail Resorts Introduces EpicMix Time

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EpicMix Time says: 69 minutes from this point!

Vail Resorts is excited to announce its new system, EpicMix Time, which is designed to help you “navigate the mountain” and “spend more time on the slopes,” by giving you real time lift-line wait time updates via the EpicMix app. That’s right, now you’ll actually have an answer to the ever-pressing question, “How the fuck long am I gonna be standing in this fucking line?”

If you’re not familiar with the Vail Resorts experience, it’s a bit like being a head of cattle in a feedlot: You’re funneled through gates nuts to butts with thousands of other assholes all wondering the same thing, “Where does this line end? Am I going to die here?” Well now thanks to EpicMix Time, you’ll be able to see in real time just how much of your day is being wasted in line at a Vail Resort.

Kirsten Lynch, executive vice president and chief marketing officer of Vail Resorts explains:

“EpicMix Time delivers time transparency to our guests, showing them lift line wait times across the mountain, providing them with information to choose where to ski and ride, and giving them more time on the slopes. This is just another innovation from our team that introduces more digital technology to the mountain in a way that does not interfere with the guest experience or the incredible beauty of our mountain resorts.”

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What this means for you: You’ll quickly come to realize that much like using heroin, riding at a Vail Resort for a day is a bit like ‘chasing the dragon.’ You and every other dick bag on the hill with this app will see that there’s no wait over on peaks 9 and 10 and soon, there will be. But that’s ok, cause now there’s no wait on Peak 7, so you’ll spend an hour getting back over there only to realize that now everyone else is there waiting in line with you too. But a least you’ll have paid $15 for a shitty cheeseburger that is now rumbling in your gut while you stand in line hoping to god your sphincter will hold out for another 55 minutes in this god-forsaken line. I thought these things were high speed chairs?

Perhaps the best part about EpicMix Time is we at least now have an explanation for Vail Resorts daily ticket rates. “Developing worthless smartphone applications is expensive,” said one high ranking Vail Resorts official. “If we didn’t charge what we do, there’s no way amazing pieces of technological shit like EpicMix Time could exist.”

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Vail Resorts to Eliminate Terrain Parks for 2016

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BROOMFIELD, CO — Vail Resorts has rolled out a plan to eliminate all terrain parks from its resorts for the 2015/2016 season. Citing the declining interest in snowboarding, the aging population of snow sports participants as a whole and the increased danger posed by popular obstacles such as rails and wallrides, chairman and chief executive officer of Vail Resorts Rob Katz said that terrain parks are no longer in the best business pratices for Vail resorts, which aims to keep its stock holders happy in these trying times.

Anticipating some backlash from the public, Katz explained, “We will be able to pass the money we’re saving on cat hours and park crews along to our consumers.”

Accordingly, the Epic pass will now go for $729, and day tickets will be lowered across the board by $2 per day.

Resorts affected by the decision include Vail, Beaver Creek, Breckenridge and Keystone in Colorado, Heavenly, Northstar and Kirkwood in the Lake Tahoe, California and Nevada, Park City Mountain Resort and Canyons in Park City, Utah, Afton Alps in Minnesota, Mt. Brighton in Michigan, and the newly acquired Perisher in Australia.

While resorts such as Breckenridge, Northstar and Park City have long been known for superior terrain parks, Katz does not anticipate any reduction in business and further justified the decision explaining, “Kids are too good now a days and this will help slow them down. Plus, with the increased interest in flat ground tricks, we’re sure you’ll find something else to do at our world class resorts.”

Vail Resorts Expands to Australia

-With the acquisition of Perisher, Vail Resorts will become the only mountain resort company to operate world-class ski resorts on two continents
-Vail Resorts to offer Perisher pass holders free season-long access to its U.S. resorts, providing the Company an incredible connection to the Australian ski market
-Perisher will also be added to the Epic Pass for the 2015-2016 ski season upon closing of the acquisition, creating a true year-round skiing opportunity

BROOMFIELD, Colo.—March 30, 2015—Vail Resorts, Inc. (NYSE: MTN) today announced that the Company has agreed to acquire its first international mountain resort, Perisher Ski Resort (“Perisher”) in New South Wales, Australia, for total cash consideration of AU$176.6 million (approximately US$136 million), subject to certain adjustments. Perisher is the largest and most visited ski resort in Australia, and is well-positioned with access to the country’s largest cities, including Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Canberra and Brisbane. Perisher is also the largest ski resort in the Southern Hemisphere. The acquisition is expected to close in the fourth quarter of fiscal 2015 following the satisfaction of certain conditions, including approval by the New South Wales Government under the long-term lease and license noted below.

The Company is purchasing 100 percent of the stock in the entities that operate Perisher from Murray Publishers Pty Ltd and Transfield Corporate Pty Ltd in Sydney. Perisher holds a long-term lease and license with the New South Wales Government under the National Parks and Wildlife Act, which expires in 2048 with a 20-year renewal option. The acquisition includes the resort areas known as Perisher Valley, Smiggin Holes, Blue Cow and Guthega, along with ski school, lodging, food and beverage, retail/rental and transportation operations, which together comprise Perisher.

“The acquisition of our first international mountain resort is a significant milestone for our Company. We’re thrilled to welcome the guests and employees of Perisher, Australia’s largest and most iconic resort, into the Vail Resorts family and deepen ties with one of our most important international markets,” said Rob Katz, chairman and chief executive officer of Vail Resorts. “This acquisition is part of Vail Resorts’ continued strategy to drive season pass sales and build loyalty with guests from around the world. Australia is one of the most important international markets for ski resorts across the Northern Hemisphere, generating an estimated more than 1 million skier visits annually to resorts in North America, Japan and Europe. We see this as a ground-breaking acquisition that will dramatically enhance the connection between our Company and Australian skiers and riders. We also see the acquisition as a natural fit, as Perisher is the Australian leader in innovation and guest experience – both hallmarks of Vail Resorts.”

Vail Resorts also announced that as of today, Perisher has re-opened season pass sales for its upcoming ski season, which is set to open on June 6, 2015. Perisher’s popular “Freedom Pass” is on sale for AU$749 and will include benefits substantially similar to Vail Resorts’ Epic Local Pass, with unlimited skiing and riding at Breckenridge, Keystone and Arapahoe Basin in Colorado; Park City and Canyons in Utah; and Heavenly, Northstar and Kirkwood in the Lake Tahoe area of California and Nevada. It also will include 10 days of free skiing and riding at Vail and Beaver Creek in Colorado. All U.S. resort access will be subject to certain holiday restrictions. Upon closing the acquisition, all previous purchasers of the 2015 Perisher Freedom Pass will also receive these new benefits and all Epic Pass purchasers will receive unlimited and unrestricted skiing at Perisher.

“To immediately showcase the power of this new connection, Vail Resorts is offering Perisher season pass holders an unprecedented opportunity by combining unlimited skiing, from June through October, at the best and largest resort in Australia with season-long skiing, from November through April, at nine of the best mountain resorts in the United States” said Katz. “Our Company looks forward to welcoming an even greater number of Australian guests to our domestic resorts to showcase the incredible experience we provide.”

The Company indicated that it expects Perisher to generate incremental Resort Reported EBITDA of approximately AU$20 million (approximately US$16 million) during its first twelve months of operation following the acquisition. The Company expects Perisher to generate positive Resort Reported EBITDA of approximately AU$38 million (approximately US$30 million) during its ski season, June through September, and negative Resort Reported EBITDA of approximately AU$18 million (approximately US$14 million) during its off-season, October through May. Further, the Company expects Perisher to generate approximately US$6 million of free cash flow in its first year of operations, after deducting capital expenditures at the resort, income taxes (both U.S. and Australian) and all interest expense relating to the acquisition. These estimates do not include any incremental benefit of increased visitation to the Company’s U.S. resorts from Australian guests.

At closing, the Company intends to fund the purchase price with cash on hand and the revolver portion of its senior credit facility. Depending upon timing of the closing, the Company will pay the sellers or receive from the sellers the net cash flow of Perisher since January 25, 2015. In addition, the Agreement provides that the Company will pay New South Wales stamp duty related to the acquisition, estimated to be approximately AU$4 million (US$3 million). References to U.S. dollars are based upon currency exchange rates currently in effect.

LTC: Oil Spill

Did anyone notice that during the Beyonce song she says, “seven twice, seven twice” and then Big Jerm shows two 720? Yup, that’s the genius of Lick The Cat.

Riders:  Sam Taxwood, Ben Bilodeau, Nils Mindnich, Griffin Siebert, Zander Blackmon, Michael Wick, Spencer Schubert, Evan Drage, Zak Hale, Gus Warbington, Blake Paul, Alex Lopez, Alex Yoder, and more.

Vail Resorts Aquires Park City for $182 Million (Finally)

Well, glad that’s settled. All you need to know is your Epic pass now works at PCMR. We’re sure the rest will work itself out.

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Vail Resorts, Inc. (NYSE: MTN) today announced that with the Company’s acquisition of Park City Mountain Resort (PCMR) in Park City, Utah, the iconic mountain resort now joins the Epic Pass, expanding the collection of legendary mountains offered on the industry-leading season pass to 22 resorts and more than 32,000 acres of the best skiing and riding in the world.

“Park City Mountain Resort is one of the most iconic mountain resorts in the world and as the newest addition to the Vail Resorts collection of world-class mountains, it’s now epic. We’re thrilled to be able to offer unlimited skiing and riding at Park City Mountain Resort on the Epic Pass for the 2014-15 winter season,” said Kirsten Lynch, chief marketing officer of Vail Resorts. “We continue to provide even greater value and variety in skiing and riding with the Epic Pass and significantly invest in the guest experience at our mountain resorts, including new chairlifts, on-mountain dining options and innovative snowmaking expansions for the coming winter.”

The 2014-15 Epic Pass features unlimited, unrestricted skiing and riding at Vail, Beaver Creek, Breckenridge, Keystone and Arapahoe Basin in Colorado; Park City Mountain Resort and Canyons in Park City, Utah; Heavenly, Northstar and Kirkwood at Lake Tahoe; Afton Alps in Minnesota and Mt. Brighton in Michigan. Furthermore, Epic Pass holders have the opportunity to extend their skiing and riding adventures globally with up to five consecutive free days (when booking in-resort lodging) at the renowned mountain resorts of Les 3 Vallées, France (Courchevel, La Tania, Méribel, Brides-les-Bains, Les Menuires, Saint Martin de Belleville, Val Thorens and Orelle) and Verbier, Switzerland, and five consecutive free days at Niseko United, Japan. Vail Resorts is offering the industry’s best-selling season pass at $749 for adults and $389 for children (ages 5-12), but these prices are only guaranteed for a limited time.

Vail Resorts offers multiple pass options for the 2014-15 season:

The Epic Pass™: Unlimited skiing all winter for $749. Enjoy unlimited skiing or riding at 12 resorts including Vail, Beaver Creek, Breckenridge, Keystone and Arapahoe Basin in Colorado; Park City Mountain Resort and Canyons in Park City, Utah; Heavenly, Northstar, and Kirkwood at Lake Tahoe; Afton Alps in Minnesota and Mt. Brighton in Michigan. No blackout days or restrictions apply. Pass holders can also enjoy up to five consecutive free days each at Les 3 Vallées, France (Courchevel, La Tania, Méribel, Brides-les-Bains, Les Menuires, Saint Martin de Belleville, Val Thorens and Orelle) and Verbier, Switzerland when booking in-resort lodging. New for winter 2014-15, Epic Pass purchasers will have access to five complimentary consecutive days at Niseko United, Japan–known as one of the snowiest and most celebrated powder skiing resorts in the world. The Epic Pass pays for itself in just over five days.

The Epic Local Pass TM is perfect for people who can navigate a pass with restrictions. At $569 for adults, $439 for teens (ages 13 – 18) and $289 for children (5 – 12), the Epic Local pass offers unlimited and unrestricted skiing at Breckenridge, Keystone and Arapahoe Basin in Colorado with limited restrictions at Canyons in Park City, Utah, as well as Heavenly, Northstar and Kirkwood in Tahoe. It also offers 10 days at Vail and Beaver Creek in Colorado with holiday restrictions. Access to Park City Mountain Resort on the Epic Local pass will be announced at a later date. The Epic Local Pass pays for itself in just over four days.
The Epic 4-Day ™ is optimal for guests planning one ski vacation during the 2014-15 winter season. At just$399 for adults and $219 for children (ages 5-12), ski any four days at Vail, Beaver Creek, Breckenridge, Keystone and Arapahoe Basin in Colorado; Park City Mountain Resort and Canyons in Park City, Utah; Heavenly, Northstar and Kirkwood in Tahoe. In addition, pass holders receive four free days each at Mt. Brighton or Afton Alps. This pass pays for itself in less than three days and offers a savings of up to 30 percent compared to lift tickets. And, for a little over $1,000 a family of four can ski four days at the world’s best ski resorts whenever they choose.
The Epic 7-Day ™ is ideal for guests planning to ski seven days throughout the winter season. At $569 for adults and $289 for children (ages 5-12), ski or ride a total of seven unrestricted days at Vail, Beaver Creek, Breckenridge, Keystone and Arapahoe Basin in Colorado; Park City Mountain Resort and Canyons in Park City, Utah; Heavenly, Northstar and Kirkwood in Tahoe. In addition, pass holders receive seven free days each at Mt. Brighton or Afton Alps.
All Park City Mountain Resort passes for the 2014-15 ski season will continue to be honored and can be exchanged or upgraded for a season pass that will also be valid at Canyons. The majority of all lift tickets sold at either resort will be valid at both PCMR and Canyons.

Park City Loses its Lease on the Mountain

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The latest chapter in a story that’s just seemed way to absurd to be real, it appears that Vail Resorts hostile takeover of Park City may just be happening. According to an article in the Salt Lake Tribune:

A 3rd District judge ruled Wednesday the resort missed a 2011 deadline for renewing its lease on more than 2,800 acres of mountainside from Talisker Corp., which said afterward it “looks forward to bringing in Vail Resorts as its new tenant and operator of the terrain.”

The 83-page ruling leaves PCMR with only the base facilities and the lower portion of the mountain. But that could be enough to make it difficult for Vail to run PCMR’s expansive terrain from Canyons.

“Even if Vail ultimately prevails in this litigation,” Powdr Chief Executive John Cumming said, “it cannot possibly operate a resort on the leased property. They do not own the adjacent lands and facilities that are essential for ski operations to take place.

So in other words, it ain’t over ’til it’s over and Park City is not going down without a fight. But I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, unless any of you can make sense of this legal mumbo jumbo.

A Bad Lip Reading of Shaun Blanco

Everyone’s favorite athlete was recently featured on the cover of the Vail Resorts magazine, and of course they made a behind the scenes video of the shoot, including a little interview. Well, Shaun’s answers were sort of boring, so we enlisted the Target dog to translate.