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Jesus Shreds

A lot of girls and guys in the extreme sport industry are way into Jesus. Let’s say “extremely” into Jesus. And that’s cool. Because he helps them win contests. Jesus gives them sponsorship stickers which they put on their boards and then when they win a contest or aren’t stricken down they thank him. They say: “I’d like to thank my family, my sponsors, and Jesus.” Which they should.

But it’s obvious to me that Jesus doesn’t love everybody the same. He can’t. If he did, contests would be boring. If Jesus loved everybody equally he wouldn’t let one sheep in the flock become more talented at snowboarding than another. If he loved all children alike there would be a forty-way tie for 1st place at every event.

YOU THINK KELLY CLARK GOES THIS BIG FOR THE CROWD? NO, IT'S PART OF HER SPONSORSHIP CONTRACT WITH JESUS

YOU THINK KELLY CLARK GOES THIS BIG FOR THE CROWD? NO, IT

So that begs the question: who does Jesus love more? Mega-ripper Shaun White? Ultra talented Travis Rice? That pagan Terje Haakonsen? Maybe we should approach the question in terms of head-to-head competition. For instance, in professional snowboarding Luke Wynen and Tommy Czeschin love Jesus. But, how come Tommy wins more contests than Luke? Where was Jesus when the chips were down for Luke Wynen? Is Luke maybe a little more talk and little less action when it comes to loving Christ? Does Jesus like Tommy more because he hates gay people more?


THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN BEFORE LUKE WYNEN FOUND JESUS, WHEN HE WAS INTO THE DARK AND STILL HAD A SPONSOR

That’s a deep philosophical question that maybe we’ll never understand. The Lord works in mysterious ways and, like Terje, he keeps a low media profile. He’s happiest riding by himself in the backcountry or ice fishing in Finland. I think he secretly hates being dragged into every televised sports production. I mean the dude still doesn’t have a boot sponsor. He doesn’t care. He just sports sandals. Jesus doesn’t give a fuck. He doesn’t have to film and he doesn’t even have to compete. He knows he’s the best. He owns a company way bigger than Grenade Gloves and he’s got the pope to run it for him. Jesus is seriously hooked up.

But I don’t mean to get sacrilegious here. I have to give Jesus props for mad skills on a board. He can do back-to-back 1080s without thinking about them, he rules on rails, and he’s got more first descents than anybody. You think Travis Rice is pretty good? Well, Jesus was doing 1080s over 120 ft. gaps way back in the early 90s when Travis was still an acne riddled altar boy giving head to the local Priest. In fact, I met a Jesuit who swears he read in the Black Sea Scrolls where Jesus did a 30 ft. 1440 grabbed the whole around before the fall of the Roman Empire. The point is the J-dog secretly enjoys being the best boarder in the world and he’s not about to bless anybody to be better than him.


TOMMY CHEZCHIN HAS ALWAYS HAD JESUS IN HIS HEART, ENABLING HIM TO SOAR HIGH ABOVE THE COMPETITION.

So let’s not waste our breath dropping shout outs to Jesus Christ. Homeboy ain’t listening. Instead let’s focus on emulating his tweaked out Nazarene style, and his purist approach to the sport. The next time you ask yourself What Would Jesus Do?” really think about the answer. It could be simpler than you think. I think Jesus would do a lot of butter tricks and sweet backside methods. That’s what Jesus would do.

Olympic Snowboarders Visit the President

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Yesterday, United States President Barack Obama welcomed the US Olympic Snowboarding Team to his home. The job of translating bro talk, navigating cultural differences and documenting the event was given to Yobeat. Out of respect for this historic moment Yobeat has decided to publish our account almost completely unedited. Any and all editing was strictly saved for increased readability and information facilitation.

After arriving in Washington D.C. the group headed to President Obama’s home. A brief security check awaited us. Once cleared of bombs, guns, anthrax, knives, bombs again and finally any bottled liquid or gel containing more than 3.4 ounces we were given a green light to proceed. Once past White House security eight Olympic snowboarders were ushered past a small army of well dressed heavily armed men. Scotty Lago liked their weapons–fully automatic machine guns and pistols of a high enough caliber to cave your chest in. Nate Holland, who wore a superman suit, took this opportunity to be a jackass, “You call that a gun?” The group winced, hoping the cyborg-esque man before us had not noticed. He had, “I will end you.”

While waiting for the arrival of a ninth Olympian we were given a tour. Elena Hight loved the tapestry of the dining hall, but kept her head down after being scolded for touching. Kelly Clark was also given a warning after blowing her nose into Eleanor Roosevelt’s handcrafted table cloth. This led to a heavier surveillance for the remainder of the tour. The next 23 minutes were painfully quiet, the only sounds coming from the clicking and clanking of Louie Vito’s chains.

Our first peak of the President came when he came through the front door, “Goodbye Michael Jordan, Lebron James and Jesus.” The President, dripping with sweat and in athletic apparel, was caught off guard by our presence, “Hello, who are you people?” Nate Holland opened his mouth but was quickly throat punched by the Secret Service officer he had previously insulted. Louie Vito spoke, “Obama, we are the Olympic Snowboarding Team. We are supposed to meet you today.” The President eyed a guard, “Do not call me Obama. Now, I just finished a game of hoops, excuse me.” Everyone stood awkwardly except for Nate Holland, he was unconscious.

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Nate Holland really wants to be the fastest boarder on earth.

A well dressed, freshly showered President returned moments later. With the help of 37 aides we were given a serious once over. “I was not aware you would all be here. I only wanted the Flying Potato. Where is he?” Silence ensued. “Fine, to the Oval Office.” Lindsey Jacobellis took off running for the door, and the group pursued. Lindsey fell just before the door. The rest of the group past her as she lay crying in the hallway.

Things began to relax inside the Oval Office. Much of the group stared at historic relics, photographs and books while the President searched through a trunk. “So, what do you guys think, of my new Health Care bill?” Everyone agreed it was good, except Nate Holland. “That Shi…” came out of his mouth, and again he was knocked unconscious. The cyborg-esque man almost grinned. The President turned to face us, having found what he was looking for, “Now, does anyone want to play dominos, while we wait for the Potato?” Louie Vito looked up excitedly and backflipped off the couch, “Obamms’ I got you on dominos.” “Do not call me Obamms’.” “Sorry.”

Domino’s were played. Louie Vito was the Presidents only competition. “You have some skills, but can you land a backflip off my desk?” In less than a second Louie was standing on the leader of the free world’s desk, “Check it out Barack!” “Do not call me Barack.” Then Louie flung his head back and leapt. “Wow, incredible, what do you call that?” “Double Cork 1260.” “I have a trick of my own.” “Do it O-man!” “Do not call me O-man, and DOMINOS MOTHER FUCKER!”

Walkie-Talkies began to make noise. “Code Pink, second story kitchen counter.” Three men, guns in hand, sprinted out of the room. I realized Scotty Lago was no longer with the group. “My main man O, what’s a Code Pink.” “Do not call me your main man O.” The President looked to his aide, “When will the Potato be here.” Running could be heard upstairs. And then downstairs. And then in what sounded like the wall until a trap door burst open. Scotty Lago had rejoined the group. Resting against the trap door he caught his breath, “Oh hey guys. Great secret tunnels Mr. President, what’s everyone doing?” The President looked sternly in Scotty’s direction, “Code Pink?” Scotty made the “not me” face. The President winked at Scotty, “Call off the Code Pink.” The Oval Office was then bombarded by men, each with an orange wrist band. Four men in suits followed, single file, through the front door while three others, dressed for urban combat crashed through the windows. Aides shrieked, the Secret Service had been disarmed and the President pounded down on his desk, “What the fuck! Michelle will kill me over those windows. Who are you people? Do you have the Potato?” A man, followed by three more men, answered, “Calm down Mr. President, we are Shaun’s people, this is a simple security sweep ensuring Shaun’s safety.” “Oh, well fine, sweep away, and where did you get your guys?”

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Scotty Lago and a maid running from well dressed men with guns.

“All clear.” Boom! The door flew open, a red carpet rolled in through the open doorway, a constant flashing bulb sent Nate Holland into a seizure while Led Zeppelin deafened the rest of us. A blur of red slid through the smoke and down the red carpet. After a moment of air guitar Shaun White stood up, “Obama my man! Sorry I was late. Got hung up in Europe ‘cuz of that volcano thang. All good though. My old pal Richard Branson hooked up a space flight and we just skipped the pond man.” The music began to fade as the fog cleared. The red carpet and Shaun’s people had vanished, also; the windows were fixed.

“So B-man, I caught up with Jesus and Jordan at SuperStarbucks. They say you schooled ‘em, nice work.” The slap of a high-five could almost be heard, but ears were still ringing. Their conversation continued. The rest of us regained our balance, and began to take our seats. Tension in the room was growing. Kelly Clark was visibly upset, “I have Gold medals too! Why is Shaun so special?” Greg Bretz spoke up, “What? You’re not Ross Powers or Gian Simmen.” Vito fell over in laughter. Gretchen whispered to Greg, “That’s Kelly Clark, she’s a chick.” “No fucking way.”

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Hate Shaun White all you want. He’s still having more fun that you’ll ever have.

Joe Biden and some other politicians entered the room. “B-man, we heard the Potato is here!” “Joe, I’m sorry, Shaun has not arrived yet.” “Shit really? We just bailed on Congress for this.” “Gotcha!” Shaun pops up from behind the desk, “Biden, other old white dudes! What’s good bros?” More talking ensues, and everyone sits down. I hear the President mention Code Pink. A roar of laughter and high-fives ensue, and Scotty is asked to join Shaun and our leaders. I take a pee.

The soap made my hands smell funny, and there was a condom in the waste basket. I find the wrapper, it’s a Scotty Lago edition, made by Rockstar Energy Drink. I leave the bathroom.

Vito had now joined the popular table. Nate Holland’s blood began to boil, “I’m the fastest ripper in the world. How could they not wanna’ hang with me! Fuck it, I’m going over. Yo dudes, did I ever tell you about the time I was going really fast?” Something wizzed by my face. Nate, having only taken two steps, hit the ground face first. A small dart was protruding from his neck. The President looked at an air duct, “Thanks Tom.” Nate was dragged off, not to be seen again.

The rest of us sat in relative silence. Elena had fallen asleep. Lindsey tended to her wounds. Rug burn. Earlier, she had tried to show off like Shaun, but her showboating ended in pain. Greg sat in disbelief, still starring wide eyed, directly at Kelly. An aide walked over, “Hi guys. So we need to wrap this up, but as a token of the President’s appreciation for representing our country in the 2010 Winter Olympic Games we are presenting you with not only these coupons for half off your cab fare, but these buy-one get-one passes to ESPN Zone, located just downtown.” The group looked astonished. Greg scooped up his prize, “Fuck yeah ESPN Zone, let’s do this!” I looked at the woman, “Media, can’t leave, have to observe, sorry.” “Oh, are you a new aide?” “No.” “With CNN?” “No.” “You’re with who exactly?” “Yobeat. I’m here to observe, translate and educate.” “I’ve never heard of Yobeat.” “You’re not alone.” And with that I was allowed to stay.

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Meeting the President is a big deal. Gretchen did all she could to impress.

I sat back, listening for quotes, “So Louie, let’s see your medal.” “Oh, I actually came in 5th place but.” “Get the fuck out.” Mid-sentence Biden had cut Vito off, I did not see Vito again. I kept listening. “So, Code Pink huh? That’s great work Scotty. Brings me back to the ‘90s with Wild Bill.” A tap on the door interrupted the flow of conversation. Gretchen Bleiler entered the room. The Vice President stood up, “Look, we’re really sorry but Shaun told us girl snowboarding didn’t matter, and this is kinda like man time.” Gretchen slipped off her coat. Biden’s jaw dropped,“But you know what, this country needs change, and it deserves change, so by god, let’s work together and hang up that coat.” Gretchen was back, but with no available chairs she was forced to stand. She stood there indefinitely, silent and awkward. She had become political eye candy, and the boys club carried on.

The President stood up, “Well fellow Americans, how do we feel about dinner?” Shaun whipped out his Blacker Than Black card, winked and whispered in the ear of an assistant. I have no idea where she came from. A moment later the chandelier began to rattle. “So hey, my boys Richard Branson and Steve Jobs are hovering outside in Rich’s new fighter jet. How about we pile in and grab some grub in China? I know this great place.” Biden interrupts, “The place with the tigers?” “You’ve been? Awesome! So you in?” Scotty scratches his head. I read his lips, “What the fuck?” The President stood up, “Shaun White, I don’t really like China, but I’ll make an exception for you.” The group headed towards the hallway. The President wrapped his arm around Shaun, “So Shaun White, why do they call you the Potato?”

As the chandelier shook for a second time an aide entered the room, “Do you need anything else? The President has instructed me to help you in any way that I can.” I asked if Yobeat could have a bailout package. She starred back blankly. “I’m ready for my coupon to ESPN Zone now.” As I looked around the Oval Office for a final time two men entered. They picked up Gretchen. She had a dart in her neck.

30’s Thursday: The Danny Davis Look-a-Likes

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Danny Davis. Photo courtesy Boardistan.

This article is a perfect example of the feast of d-grade crap that is served up to the Internet everyday.   Millions (if not billions) of people around the World Wide Web, force-feed the Internet with photos, videos and text, under the loose license of journalism leading to our epidemic state of cyber-obesity.

Welp, with no further ado, here’s my latest digital spoon feed, to help make the Internet an even bigger fatter, more bloated mess than it already is:  The Top 5 famous people who Danny Davis looks like these days and the striking similarities between their personas.

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1. Barry Gibbs

Lead singer of the Bee Gees, Barry has his double platinums, Danny’s got his double corks, and they both have kick ass heads of hair.  While Barry spends his time prancing around singing like a woman, Danny spends his time prancing around riding like a man.
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2. Davey Crocket

Davy Crocket was the “King of the Wild Frontier”, whereas Danny is the “King of the Frontier of Pipe Riding”.  The visual similarities are striking, except Danny looks like he has a coonskin cap on his face and Davey looks like he has a beard on his head.

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3. Grizzly Adams

OK, maybe Danny looks nothing like Grizzly Adams, but as Lee Travino said in Adam Sandler’s Happy Gilmore, “Grizzly Adams did have a beard”, and well, so does Danny.

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4. Rip Van Winkle

Both of these guys like to go get lost in the woods and have a laid back, easygoing style.  Sure there’s the obvious similarities with the big beard… but also consider the word “Rip” in Van Winkle’s name.  Danny has been known to “rip” himself.  Scary coincidence huh?

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5. Jesus

Sure anyone with long hair and a beard often gets the Jesus label, but upon further look, the similarities between Danny and Jesus are uncanny: Danny can walk on water (albeit frozen water), he can fly (if but momentarily while snowboarding), and Danny was also once a baby.

OK, so regardless of how pointless this article is, I’d like to use my 30+ years of debatable wisdom to briefly point something out.  Danny Davis is one of the best hopes we have for maintaining snowboarding’s integrity as we get groomed-out by mainstream media and marketing.  His style, creativity and attitude hearken back to the mid 90’s hay day of our burgeoning sport, and we couldn’t pick a better face to represent men’s competitive snowboarding (with or without the giant beard.)

After note: During the long process of researching and writing this piece (of crap), I bought the following URL: www.peoplewholooklikejesus.com.  Wish me luck that it makes me rich somehow.

High Fives with Todd Richards

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While many snowboarders will disagree in order to stay cool, a little competition in life is healthy, if not fun. Whether you’re competing against yourself, battling a friend at Mario Kart, or trying to have the most totally wick dope set up, we all compete here and there. Now when you’re Todd Richards, competition is taken to a whole new level. The man competes with the sun for center of the Universe, destroys little kids just to ensure his greatness, and plays 14 hours of online video games a day just to ensure he has dashed enough digital dreams.

Yobeat: Who is the best Omatic team rider now, and of all time?

Todd Richards: I will say me, because I am the star of the me show. I’m the show that gets the highest rating with me. Sometimes I try and change the channel without me noticing, but I always notice and change the channel back to me. I have never seen a mirror that I didn’t like.

Yobeat: Who’s a better announcer, you or Keir Dillon?

T-Rich: Wow, you really want me to bring the hammer don’t you? Well you know what, I think that Keir is way better down in the corral than I will ever be. He is also probably more focused on the actual action taking place, where as I am constantly trying to find places to slip the word ginger into Shaun White’s runs.

Yobeat: Who gets the bulk of your love, wife or kids?

Mr. Richards: Ooooff, Nick. I can tell that you have never been married or actually ever referred to a girl friend or significant other as anything but “her” or “beesnatch”. I spread my love equally, just like Jesus. he loved everyone equal, although I have my suspicions about the people that nailed him to that big T.

Yobeat: Who’s going to win the Olympics?

T-Daddy: YThat one is a no brainer, Gary Pheltersack.

Yobeat: Who’s body will shit out first, you, Tony Hawk, or Danny Way?

The Voice: D Way for sure. He already has seven dead peeps’ MCLs. Tony is super man, but his shit is jacked. I figure that I am going to keep the dream alive because I ate all those artificial preservatives, and now they are artificially preserving me.

Ben Rice a Positive Influence

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Editorial Note- People seemed to have very mixed feelings about Hump Day with Ben Rice. Many people seemed to have felt that Yobeat only showed one side of Ben’s darling personality. To rectify this Comune’s Art Director and Ex-Pro guy Corey Smith sat down with Ben and asked him a few more questions. Enjoy, and thanks for reading.

Ben Rice Not-so-Hump Day Interview by Corey Smith

Ben, I’m here for you. .  I told you that you weren’t supposed to talk about that shit fool!  Let’s pick up the pieces. Let’s show the world you’re an elegant gentleman and not a piece of total Tahoe trash.  How was your day today? Things are looking up right?

Things are definitely looking up. I woke up in beautiful Costa Mesa this morning we went for a jog on the beach and had some wheat grass smoothies. I’m feeling great and ready for an amazing day down at the COMUNE office aka Rancho Relaxo.

When you’re training to learn a new a trick what goes through your mind?

If you can imagine it your dreams can come true.

So how many days a week do you work out?

Counting the weekends 7 days a week right after my soy latte

Is it hard being a Mormon Christian in the hedonistic world of  snowboarding?

I’m so happy that you asked me this question. It’s more difficult than ever. I have to keep my mind so focused on snowboarding and only snowboarding. It’s hard sometimes with all these young ladies and their loose morals.  I have to keep the devils pleasures at bay.

I noticed you’re wearing a promise ring on your wedding finger. Is it difficult taking a vow of celibacy until marriage?

I have done too much of gods work to condemn myself to an eternity of hell. No Ding Ding without the wedding Ring.

I heard when you first stepped on a Bataleon snowboard you learned five new tricks in one day are those boards really that good?

Corey, I Have to say they are that damn good. I Guarantee a new Bataleon snowboard will do the same for anyone 12-30 years of age please read warning label. Not to mention Dragon goggles help me see in HD.  Celsius boots keep me comfortable and warm like kittens massaging my little feet. Elm company hats keep my head so cozy too!

Yeah, all of us here at COMUNE, are so excited about having such a motivated young athlete such as yourself representing our brand. I heard your working on a pro model pocket protector with us? Tell me more?

Well I want people to be aware of the damages that we are doing to Mother Earth. What better way than an eco safe pocket protector? I personally walk the lonely highways of California picking up the pieces of blown out semi tires to re use the rubber and make the most eco safe pocket protector on the market. I care about the next generation so much.

Wonderful! What do you think of kids these days, all these dopers smoking grass?

Hell is hot and eternity is forever Drugs are dumb.  I’m personally offended by all these kids that say “ I do Drugs I’m cool.” I mean who are you, some wanna be Keith Richards? These Kids and their “Weed Saves Lives” shirts, I mean really? Grow up. Get a job.

It’s a gateway drug to harder stuff wouldn’t you say?

Well just look at Michael Phelps you might win some Olympic gold. Just kidding. He’s a terrible role model for today’s youth. They should revoke all his medals, damn doper.

Seeing as you don’t own a car or any material possessions for that matter (much like the Jesus) you have little to no carbon footprint.  Do you see yourself as a role model for environmentally conscious youth of today?

I am very concerned for the youth. I pray for them every night before I go to sleep.

“ Now as I lay to sleep I give the lord my sole to keep oh and please help the kids”

That’s so awesome…   So let’s talk about your work with homeless youth?

In between working out 7 days a week and being celibate I find my self alone a lot.  I have a lot of time on my hands to make positive contributions to society. I try to give back as much as possible. Yes we can!

How’s your reality show coming along? I hear your filming season two.

It’s almost done.  Were wrapping it up with a real cliffhanger for next season you can catch it on MTV8 the Ocho.

By the way congrats on signing that four-year contract with “Fuck Yeah Bro Energy Drink” FYBED has been really taking care of you.  What’s it like to land a corporate sponsor like that?

It’s amazing I just have to put 13 stickers on my board and always have one in my hand. I don’t fly anymore just limo it around.

How many FYBEDs do you drink each day?

I used to drink at least five but the dentist told me that at that rate I wont have any teeth left so I renegotiated my contract with FYBED to cover dental. Super hush hush but there coming out with an easy IV kit so you can just sit there and don’t have to drink it anymore.

Fantastic! You’re such an inspiration to young Americans.  Thanks for your time Ben Rice. You’re a gentleman and a scholar.