How To Get Sponsored
So you think you deserve to be sponsored. I can answer this question myself with a big affirmative, because in my experience most people do. I am sick and tired of reading letter upon letter from sponsor seekers, and for that very reason I have comprised a list of FAQ's that I never wish to hear again.
Q. I’ve been snowboarding for almost a whole season, and I just learned 1080 rodeo flips, why am I not sponsored?
A. First of all you’re an asshole, and second of all, that's rollerblading.
Q. I saw (insert name of overrated pro here) and they suck. Why are they getting paid and I’m not?
A. There are two reasons why terrible snowboarders are pro. 1) They are shameless self- promoters and 2) They are sleeping with someone in the industry. Both are easy to accomplish.
Q. How do I get sponsored?
A. Try, no one will approach you with offers for free product, unless of course you are a tall blond girl, or you have a cool Scandinavian name.
Q. Why won’t Volcom return my calls?
A. You’re an asshole.
Q. I made the sickest video of myself doing backflips on a kicker in my backyard and sent it out, why is my mailbox not flooded with free shit?
A. Backflips are gay, so are you.
Q. I am sponsored, but none of my reps ever call me back. Why?
A. Think about it, if everyone who called you wanted something from you, would you call them back?
Q. You're sponsored, can you get me sponsored too?
A. Let me think, NO.
In closing, you don’t deserve to be sponsored. You are not special, you are just another asshole kid who thinks they deserve free shit because they got second place in a USSA contest, or in some cases, you just entered. Nobody gives a shit about you, and the chicks probably don’t dig your beanie. Quit snowboarding now, because if you can’t get paid for it, it’s not worth doing. Asshole.