The "What Can I Get for Ten Dollas" Issue

Greetings and Salutations!

******Notette On The Editorial Tip******


Even with the hustle and bustle of our almost important lives, we have managed to produce yet another brilliant issue of yobeat magazine, published by the One Woman Party because we are too ghetto to have adequate web space.To you, or oh-so-loyal reader, I give, like the great 2 live crew hoochie once said, everything you want.



Table of Contents

Drool-this month brings some especially juicy tid-bits.

Blue Light Special in Aisle Nine-The brainchild of Sinner the U.H. (up high) masta. Enter our name dropping contest and win something pretty.

On The ill Figga Tip-a peek at our chosen role model of the issue, the Slicksta himself.

Who Needs Vert?-unfortunate sinner visits Stratton in November and complains.

O.W.P. drops some knowledge-one woman party casually discusses Barbie on a skateboard. Break out the Tea and Crumpets.

Sinner Hits The Green Room- Sinner knows all the celebs . A glance at up-and-coming biker nerd John Bethers.

Go Play Kick The can!-One woman party talks about her favorite TV commercials. TV rots your brain, though, so don't watch it. Instead, read YOBEAT on the net, receive completely inaccurate summaries of the commercials you're missing from this highly informative article, and go outside and play with the neighborhood children.

Rekkid Review- Sinner the hip reviews H20's latest. I saw this band about 3 years ago with SOIA in NYC and, luckilly, threw down with the baseheads in the bathroom before their set, so I was able to see them in their entirety. Not too shabby.

Drizzible-a basically incoherent rant from everyone's favorite One Woman Party about hip hop ya don't stop, racism, and memories from back in the day when I wore Air Jordan's. You probably won't understand it, so just read and memorize the "wigger" sentence near the end.



Drool

Our e mail correspondant gossip columnist did not do his job, so there's no talk about people he wishes he knew in this months issue. Um, the only gossip I can think of is that I like this boy. Refer to your latest issue of Soap-Oprah Digest for some equally interesting info.



Blue Light Special In Aisle Nine

The Official YO BEAT Name Droppping Contest

Hey kids, now's your chance to show the world just how cool you are. Its our first ever YO BEAT contest, and a great chance for you to win something from my personal collection, as well as get published. So here it is, your assignment is to write a short essay containing as many convincingly dropped names as possible. These names must be impressive to we, the editors of YO BEAT, and it must also be a coherent story. Please send your entry, with a subject of "I can drop more names than you" to Yobeatmag@aol.com. good luck suckas.



On The ILL Figga Tip



Like us hard working peeps at YOBEAT magazine, Slick Rick embodies the non-materialistic spirit of the thug life, and thus, we have chosen him as our role-model of the ever changing number of days between issues (a new feature that I'm sure all of you will eagerly await each 37 and a half days, or however often we decide to put up the new issues). To fully appreciate the heroic essence of this great man, who is gettin out of jail one of these years, see "the show", reviewed in the last issue of our upscale publication.



Who Needs Vert?

Sinner Pimps Stratton

For us 'core eastern riders, the opening of the first halfpipe is a monumental occasion. Some particular pros, whose names shall go unmentioned, were releived not to have to drive all the way to Timberline to ride a pipe cut by people that don't know how to use a dragon, when Stratton got their shit together and opened their world famous halfpipe. After riding Ram's Head at Killington, with their super-rockstar kickers, and enough herbs for 10 mountains, the prospect of a shiny new halfpipe was a great one. By the time I got my lazy ass down there on Sunday, decided I was too cheap to buy a
ticket, and hiked all the way up to the pipe, the thrill was gone. Before me was a ditch, with walls topping almost 5 feet, and absolutely no vert. After proclaiming that i was going to fall on my head on my first hit, I dropped into the pipe, and actually made to about the 3rd hit before landing on my head. Actually, the only people riding that pipe well were PA loke and Option rider extrodinaire Shawn Durst, and Stratton Home-town Hero John Smallwood. Other names to drop included rockstar pros Luke Wynen and Keir Dillon. Due to the fact that it was the second day of the pipe, everyone had
already been there and decided that sitting on their couches and watching TV was more valuable to their snowboarding career, so that was pretty much the crowd. Word on the street how ever, was that East Coast Legend Gary Land was there the day earlier, and Matty Cass, Ron Ciodi and others had turned the mini u jump into one big huck fest.
Now, i whine about the little pipe and lack of vert, but I must give tons of props to Stratton for actually opening with a pipe. Perhaps a little mountain we like to call Killington could learn a little something from this. Oh yeah, and were assuming that by the time the US Open rolls around, Stratton's pipe will be in it's full splendor.



One Woman Party Drops Some Knowledge

*****Read this because it's important. Like everything I write, it doesn;t actually get to the point until the end of the first paragraph, so skip to there if you're pressed for time, as I know all of our glam-rock readers are.******

Can I get a Literary term? How about IRON(ing)Y


Being the hip cat that I am, I rarely have the time to engage in such trivial matters as watching all four hours of the CBS kids Saturday morning line-up, but somehow I ended up in front of the TV for a rather lengthy period of time on this fine morning after halloween. As my people brought contracts for signing and requests to "do lunch", I was somehow able to absorb a crumb of ghostwriter "the outta the straight out da hood years," wheel of fortune (can I just mention that Lucy the cyber pimpette could
break it down with Carlton from Fresh Prince any day), and Sports Illustrated for Kids. Between the brief segments of quality show were many, and probably much more important than actual programming when considering the C.R.E.A.M. lifestyle of the networks, cutsie commercials, urging me to join the Burger King kids club, buy pound puppies whose leashes attached them to eachothers tails, elephants in line at the circus style, and, this would be the item I actually wish to comment about so listen carefully, more than one "buy barbie and one of her trillion accessories" promotions. On one
such barbie commercial, in contrast to 12 others selling "retirement Barbie drives cross country with geriatric ken in an RV", was an ad for barbie and a dog whose name has slipped my mind, we will call him Ese for the time being, whom she could take on walks. How does Barbie keep up with her youthfully spirited dog, you might not be wondering? Well, I will tell you. She SKATEBOARDS behind him.
I am assuming a skateboard was chosen not to promote females in skateboarding, but rather, because it was the only easy way for Barbie to roll behind Ese, since inline skates are not currently a barbie accessory after rollerdorker Barbie caused young children's hair to catch fire. Maybe it is just me, but I found slight irony in the fact that one of THE worst possible role models, whose "perfect"dimensions, if applied to a real woman, would prohibit her from being able to stand up without tipping over from the
burden of her busty bust and high heel shaped feet, was now, ridiculously, serving as a role model to young girls inspiring skateboarding. Why, after years of extremely under-promoted female skateboarders, and a mostly unrewarded quest to promote legitimate women's skating, in contrast to the sit on the curb with a never used board to pick up hella fine skateboard guys apprach, does Barbie seem to be the medium who will reach the most young girls? I do not have an answer to this, as there seems to be none of any logic. I can only hope that along with an inspiration to try skatebooarding,
which many young girls will, no doubt, have because Barbie does it, comes the understanding that this 5'2, 38 DDD with a 19 inch waist blonde-haired hoochie is NOT the ideal woman.
I will acknowledge that the idea of Barbie on a skateboard is not at all as bad as it may appear upon first glance, yet the mixed message of a seemingly flawless promoter of plastic surgery on a skateboard will, understandably, be sending disturbingly mixed messages to young girls who play with Barbie (boys who play with Barbie are not eligible as they have millions of legitimate role models in skateboarding avaliable to them, although it would be nice if they could all learn that girls CAN skate. Although, a boy
who plays with Barbie is probably more hip to this than any of his G.I. Joe war fighting counterparts.)
Many young girls, because of this skater Barbie and Ese pair, will now be exposed to skateboarding and the fact that women can and are participating in it, a phenomenon that they, most likely, would only half-understand at a later point in life if not for skater Barbie, possibly the only benefit present. Hopefully, as they realize that they can skateboard, and I can only wish they will later see Elissa Steamer pulling switch flip tricks and K- grinds in "Welcome To Hell" as legitimate inspiration, they will too realize that the sickiningly disproportioned blone( who wears a helmet, RAH RAH SIS BOOM
BAH, points for safety) that has inspired them to skateboard, should not serve as an inspiration to model their physical appearence after. This is a fantasy, though, as at 6 or 7 years old the girls will, most probably, not distinguish between the twisted "values" that Barbie represents and the fact that she skateboards, a concept which many,much older than these innocent young, have yet to grasp. I can only hope that, in their future, these girls discover both the true essence of and love for skateboarding and the same of and for their own bodies.



Sinner Hits The Green Room

An Interview with a biker nerd




Fly guy John Bethers biker nerding


Over the past few weeks, due to the MTV Sports and Music Festival, and some other major events, I have become increasingly aware of the sickness of BMXing. Recently, while attending a tradeshow in Albany, New York, I was privlidged enough to witness the "Airwalk Stunt Show", which was two BMXers going off, and rollerdorker, going. I found myself watching opened mouthed as two kids on little bikes practically hit the ceiling after going off this ramp that I wouldnt have even made it up. I find that I have more respect for these "extreme" athletes then I do for some others, namely snowboarders.
Maybe becasue I know just how easy snowboarding is. Maybe just because watching them is rad. This is an interview with one such athlete, who definalty earned his autograph signing rights, and he's a damn fine announcer too.

YB: What's your name?
JB: John Bethers.
YB: Age?
JB: 22.
YB:Home?
JB: Provo, Utah.
YB: How long have you been riding? It is called riding, right?
JB: Yeah its called riding, let's see I was 14 when I started, so 9 years.
YB: Who throws down the goods?
JB: Airwalk, of course, thats the main one, and Eastern Bikes and Useless Clothing.
YB: So, why do you kick so much ass?
JB: More like I get my ass kicked!
YB: How come you get to be the announcer?
JB: Actually, I didn't want to announce, I just wanted to be a grommit in the show, but my boss was
really busy, he had a kid, so he had to hire someone to handle it. The guy was a real asshole and didn't
have a clue what he was doing, so I had to do it.
YB: If you were in the Miss America Pagent- One piece or two?
JB: Two for sure. And a bikini, a two piece bikini.
YB: Do you have a girlfriend?
JB: No.
YB: Care to elaborate?
JB: Nobody's willing to put up with my shit, leaving all the time. I'm a nice guy and everything, it's just I
travel a lot.
YB: Would you ever consider a career in porn if this BMX bit doesn't work out?
JB: I thought about it, I'm just waiting for a good name.
YB: Would you not go to a snowboard shop because there was a strip club next door?
JB: Hell no, I'm there. I think they should be one in the same. I don't know what the big deal is, except
maybe for little kids. As an adult, it doesnt bother me. That girl who's with us, the rollerblader, went to
Hooters with us last night, and she was all offended, but I just accept it as a part of life.
YB: What else do you do with yourself?
JB: Computer graphics, video editing. I don't know, what do I do with myself?
YB: Any sports?
JB: Yeah, I've been snowboarding for 9 years too. Pretty much goes with Utah.
YB: Okay, Why does Airwalk sponsor rollerdorkers?
JB: It's just for this show. My boss always had rollerbladers for this show, and they sponsor the show,
not the inliners. They give her product and stuff, but she's not on the airwalk team.
YB: What do you listen too?
JB: face to face, Beastie Boys, Fugazi.
YB: Name some BMX tricks for the kids.
JB: Well there's one I just made up, it's called an assisted suicide. Its when you take your hands off the
handlebars, grab the seat and back peg and drop the bike down. You kind of have to see it. Some
other names are a hitchhiker, stick-bitch, thats a good one, rope-a-roni, that's kinda stupid, funky
chicken, and spastic freak squeak.
YB: How do you remember all these names?
JB: It's just like snowboarding, how do you remember a backside rodeo flip?
YB: I don't, I just make them up as I go along, sandwich names are always good.
JB: Yeah, I was announcing a skate competion and I kept calling ollies bunny hops and saying they
were doing bar-spins, it doesn't really matter.
YB: Are you really down with the XXX, or is that just for the kids?
JB: No drugs, No alcohol, but I'll take all the XXX parafinalia you got.
YB: Do you forsee a future for BMXing in the olympics?
JB: I hope not! That would change the whole nature of the sport.
YB: Do you ever wish you got into an easy sport like snowboarding?
JB: I do snowboard. But, no, I like what I got, and I got what I deserve.

That's right folks, you heard it here first. You should be hearing a lot more about this young man, as
well as many more, as the sport of BMXing grows, which it will. You can catch the Airwalk stunt team
at an elementary school or skate park near you. And remember, don't do drugs, and wear your helmet.






Go Play Kick The Can!



Commercials I Like

Okay, I'm a dork and I happen to watch TV. I hate commercials, for the most part, and I also hate
when they cut into quality programming, such as The Oprah Winfrey Show (Hey Oap!) to show a
"News (insert channel number) Special Update!" I suppose it's alright when the update happens to be
about school being cancelled, although they only need to run those until I see that I don't have to go to
school, but who really cares about what Bill Clinton is speaking about most of the time or the weather.
All Americans should learn to read before they listen to equivocal "who's sleepin in Abe's room" and
"smack talkin about keepin ebonics on the D.L.." Oh yes, and maybe it's just me, but I happen to
notice when it's snowing or raining outside and say to my trusty side-kick Lassie "Look girl, it's raining,
gee wizz," and that's it. I do not need to miss out on quality talk shows just to hear that it's raining or
snowing, unless, of course, there's an actual natural disaster a-brewin, which is never the case. (I also
feel bad for the grunt newsies who have to stand outside in the hail and get blown away, just so that the
average coach potato knows the elements are acting up again.) Enough about that. Now I will talk
about the commercials that I really like on TV and misquote all of them.

First there's the great Seinfeld commercial, wherein he travels to some country where they speak
English with flair, unlike the ugly drawl of most Americans. (Now I will make up the part of the
commercial that I don't exactly remember) Cheeky Jerry bombs his comedy act on the first night
because he knows nothing of the local culture. Then he paints the town red in an attempt to proverbially
"down" himself with the lokes, hitting up pubs, yodeling, and hopping with kangaroos. Then he tells
some jokes that are funny. Lastly, (can I please get a drumroll?) and this is the only part that I actaully
remember, he's up on stage and says "A tilly, A tally." (at this point I roll on the floor laughing every
time I see the commercial, but I'm not exactly sure why I find it so funny) I'm sure that people who
have never seen this commercial have no idea what I'm talking about, and so do a majority of people
who have. The ones who remember it, however, must realize that it is ingenious.

Next we have the poorly made budget commercials, points there already. It doesn;t really matter what
they're about, but the more ghetto the item they're selling, the better. A few that stick out in my mind
are "Granmama's sweet potata pie filling", "Light-up-loc-blocks," and anything on the spanish channel.
You'll know them when you see them.

On the sentimental tip, there are those commercials that bring a tear to my eye. For some reason, I like
the MCI one about the boy next door and the NIKE ones (I'm sure at least one of these is done by
another company, but I'm too lazy to find out) about "let me play sports" and "I run because." (I will
note right here that NIKE sucks because they employ women in third world countries, grope and
torture them, all the while paying them less than the the $2.10 it costs to eat every day. Like their
commercials. Boycott their products.) Break out the tissues.

Then we have the "era" music collections and video tape sets. I especially appreciate the disco
collection that supposedly comes with entertainment magazine and "bootea base classics volume 8."
TV-show-tape wise, I always like the "Pee-Wee Herman Show" box set , and I think I once saw one
for the classic Murder She Wrote. I'm a sucka. Maybe if you send money to YOBEAT, I can buy me
some of these treasures.

Lastly, we come to the corporate genius category. The only two commercials I can remember right
now are the "chump"one for playstation, I think it is, and the NIKE skateboard ones. We will start with
NIKE, a comapny that sucks because of the afforementioned and because their only true interest in
skateboarding is the money it will bring them. Their commercials, you know the "what if we treated
muscle heads like we treat skateboarders" ones, however, show a speck of sense. (I would imagine
with all the money they save by employing young girls for a dollar a day in Indonesia, they can afford to
pay some "clever" young-blood a few c's to come up with something that will appeal to the "alternitive"
set.) Now the "chump" ones, where I will make up lines again, for playstation. We see mini-reverse
hustlers with no game talking smack, as they show no talent for basketball whatsoever. They bust out
lines something like "I seen your game on a milk carton," "I gots mad skills, baby" and " straight
butta,baby" and then trip over their own feet. (Being the queen reverse hustler that I am, I can
completely relate and will use these lines in the future, no doubt, because I don;t feel like coming up
with any of my own.) We soon learn that the "chumps" are game-system king nerds and break out a
can of whup ass while they sit behind a screen. Big ups to playstation. These companies are really rich
and can pay people to come up with good commercials for them. Send money to YOBEAT and
maybe we'll come up with something almost good. Until then, it's all about "granmama's sweet potata
pie," baby.





A Rekkid Review





Thicker Than Water

Who would have thought that a New York hardcore band could write a love song? Well, me now. The
standout of this excellent album just so happens to be a love song, written for Toby's wife, who has a
very long name. Entitled Sacred Heart it is ear candy. Thicker than Water is an outstanding effort from
one of the best Hardcore bands out there. I am constantly impressed at their ability to play the same
three chords over and over and make each song sound different and impressive. Other stand-outs
include the title track and Universal Language, mainly becasue those are the only titles I can remember
right now. Also, big ups to the tat shots and the FYP ripoff line, "My family looks out for me like
friends." If you dont have it, go otu and buy H2O, cause hey, I've got nothing but good stuff to say, and
they don't even pay me.



Drizzible


This started off as an innocent review of a Public Enemy album but never actually ended up being one. I will admit that it gets completely ridiculous by the end, where every sentence has nothing to do with the ones before or after it, but I happen to like the idea it almost presents. Since we are not big on editing here at YOBEAT, I figured I'd not edit it and, rather, keep it in it's original and basically incohesive form, especially for YOUR viewing pleasure. As a bonus extra, It also makes me sound like a nerd. Somethin to show the grankids, I suppose.



Beats that Bind


I have recently rediscovered some dope beats from back in my thug life prime, namely the lyrical
mastery of digital underground, Ice T, and especially public enemy, which have brought with them both
memories from back in the day and unfortunate realities of the society in which we live. I can remember
receiving P.E.'s "It Takes a Nation of Millions To hold us back" for my 8th or 9th birthday and being
greatly appreciative that my boy dan the man's moms would allow him to buy it for me, even though it
had a parental advisory sticker. (It was rare that such treats were knowigly purchased for us, as we
were forced to hide copies of 2 live crew and N.W.A tapes labeled by such aliases as barbara
streisand and "folk music" from our parents because of their "inappropriate" language) We were
inspired by the raw power and intelligence Chuck D brought to the mic and gained great knowledge of
"the black man's oppression" from our days of listening to gangsta and classic rap, well, at least as
much as a ten year old can be. We busted elementary rhymes containing such catch phrases as "power
to the people" and "yea boyeeee"and tried to human beat box by breathing onto the tape recorder. At
the tender age of ten, we pretended to read the autobiography of Malcom X and, although my memory
may be failing me, I believe Dan the man sported a "Compton" hat (even if he didn;t, I'm sure we both
wanted one). We failed to care that we were white and Jewish (I can completely relate to the beastie
boys), bought expensive sneakers and clothes because they personified the gangsta life, and didn;t
really care that those whom we admired at the time looked nothing like us. It took a few years, which
brought on the influence of our "wishing-it-wasn't-as-divided along racial lines-as-it-is" society to our
once innocent and untainted minds, (and an obvious change in interest that goes on from year to year)
for us to realize we had practically nothing in common with these rap stars, besides a passion for the
beat. The beat. All that mattered then and all that should matter now, although it doesn't. I am no longer
a ten year old admirer of the gangsta-rap life, but do admire the truth and wisdom of such "the school"
rappers as Chuck D. I understand things now that I didn;t then and often fantasize about life being so
simple as it was "back in the day."
We mainly became interested in rap because it had "lots of swears", but quickly, through the purchase
of every tape in the rap section of one of those mail-order music clubs, discovered the legitimacy and
power of such groups as public enemy.
Music, whatever genre gets things bumpin for you, is one of the greatest things on earth, not geared to
any specific race or religion. Words like "wigger" should never have been coined because there is no
defining aspect of being black that someone of another race could emulate, besides a darker pigment of
skin. Like the great Flava Flav once said "to the beat YA"LL and ya don;t stop"


YO beat is.....

Editors and otherwise Important, cool enough to be paid staff members:
Sinner
One Woman Party

Staff photographer:
Monty the slack ass bitch.

contributing writers:
Dave "Snoman1520"


E mail the one woman party herself if you know whats good for ya. click here foo

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(9/28/98)