I wrote a Cracked.com style article about talking about snowboarding aroundÂ acquaintancesÂ . I’m looking for critique in regards to grammar and opinion. I want to know if this view is shared by the snowboarding community. It should take you about 5-10 minutes to read this.
Love the message and it has some funny jokes, but if you’re writing for an internet audience it’s way too long. Actually, for any modern audience. My advice –Â Take those bullet points and turn them into 3-5 sentences each, max. Basically pick one point you want to make and use a couple sentences to set it up and the last sentence is the punchline. Use your words wisely. You’ll be amazed at how much powerful your writing becomes when you don’t ramble to make your point.
If you openly admit that the entire opening paragraph comparing lift lines to video game lobbies is terrible then why even keep it in the first place?
You’re still drawing out entire thoughts into multiple sentences when the same message can be conveied succinctly in one or two. This is either because of redundancies or because you’re just doing a hell of a lot of hand-holding for the reader. Anyone reading your article is most likely familiar with the events leading up to one of your friends being behind you in line, there isn’t really any need to walk them through the entire process. The article is about etiquette and what to do in a given situation, not about how that situation arises or how much it sucks.
Your entire second segment of the article can be summed up in the single line “What we need to start doing is making sure everyone is accounted for before getting in line.” You’ve padded that message with a ton of filler and don’t even address the questionÂ presented in the first sentence:Â “how to appropriately cut line.” Â Your solution to politely cutting the line is “don’t cut line.”
Identical issues are found in the smoking section. The entire thing boils down to “wait 5 minutes and smoke on the lift” but you pad it with situational observations and personal anecdotes. You acknowledge that you don’t know what you’re talking about (I’m not a smoker but..) and then end the paragraph by saying that you don’t really care but you might if you had kids. This isn’t objective journalism, you don’t need to portray both side of the coin. If you’re writing an article telling people how to act in public you need to state your opinion then present a strong argument to support it.
Boil your paragraphs down to the core message you’re trying to convey. Use the rest of the available space to support your message and explain why someone should listen to you. If you want to inform AND entertain you do the exact same thing but play the entire thing a little looser and employ more personality in your writing. I don’t know if your goal is to give sound advice or to entertain but then entire thing is entirely too milquetoast to be doing either.