More than anything, life is a story of the bad decisions we make.  Looking back we can chart our lives along the course of terrible fashion decisions, terrible personal relationship decisions, and terrible career decisions.  For many of us who grow up skateboarding there is an ugly moment in the mid-twenties when we make that the fateful, and useless, decision to walk away from skateboarding.  I don't mean the moment when you give up on becoming pro-- because for most of us that was never a possibility anyway-- I mean that slippery moment when that last skateboard you bought slowly transforms itself from indispensible apparatus of fun to urban-sheik apartment decor.  One month goes by and you haven't found time to skate. Two months go by and you realize you haven't been to the park in ages.  Suddenly three years rip by, your subscription to Transworld ran out long ago, and you change the channel when you see skateboarding on TV.

Then one day  a friend calls from out of town and says she's coming to visit. She says:  "I've made a color-coded chart of all the skateparks in your area, and I have a computerized time table of which park we will be skating each day according to a complex rotation involving the I-Ching, our astrological compatibility, and which Britney Spears song my I-Pod chooses to play on random rotation that morning."  And you say: "Right... skateboarding.... cool."

So you go to the local skate park, which you realize you've never even bothered to check out when you moved to town.  And you're a little bit excited.  You've missed skateboarding and you can't wait to rip it up.  You tighten your trucks and you get out your Adio sneakers. You are wearing your Alien Workshop T-shirt and a big hoody. You hear NO-FX blasting from the parking lot, and you think to yourself: "This is going to be great."  Only it isn't great, because you suck.  After two hours you realize that the only trick you can still do is a shuv-it.  And when you do it you flail your arms so much that the everyone thinks you're autistic. They give you encouraging thumbs up, and sympathetic grimaces when you fall on
your ass. The worst part about learning to skate again for the first time is not the frustration about loosing abilities that you once had, it is the complete loss of confidence that comes with knowing that you look like a deusche bag.  Let's say that you dedicate 10 solid years of your childhood to skateboarding.   You might be surprised that a short three year hiatus from the sport has left you so helpless. If this were snowboarding, you think, you could walk away for ten years and come back better than when you left.  But this is skateboarding.  And it isn't 1999 anymore.  Suddenly it is 2004.  And you don't understand why a simple rock and roll to fakie, a trick you once did in your sleep, now fills your heart with pure existential terror.

What you need is some practice.  You're too self conscious to get that without scheming a little bit.  And through trial and error these are the best schemes that I've come up with for GETTING BACK INTO SKATEBOARDING:

1.  Pretend you're an Eastern European.  Fake a thick accent and answer all questions with non-sequiturs.  For example, someone may ask you:  "Hey man, where ya from?" you say, "Sex Machine" or "Do you want to touch my Penis?" This strategy will also excuse your appearance: the baggy pants and Tony Hawk sneakers which have gone woefully out of style since you last hung out at the skate park.

2.  Show up at the skate park with a cute girl who can skate.  You might suck but you'll get credit as "the dude who came with Brooke."

3. Find a free outdoor skatepark that isn't very good.  Show up early on a weekday so you can have the place to yourself as you remember what an ollie feels like, and how to do bonelesses.

4.  You're old now--demand respect.  Pop some easy old school tricks that you learned when the New Deal was still new-school.  How about double-flips, or super tech lip tricks.  Kids will understand that you skated once upon a time.  They might even ask you questions about what happened in the old Star Wars movies or what it was like to skate with Gator.

5.  Say you that you just started skating last week.  No one will believe you, because your board is three years old and you know where to put your feet, but they will respect your right to be completely delusional and will give you space.

6.  Make friends with the kid at the skate park who everyone knows and tolerates but doesn't really like to hang out with.  This kid needs a friend who can greet endless fly-out sessions with unconditional love and support.  Alienation means you won't have to make embarrassing small talk.

7.  Skateboard naked.  No one will notice that you are having a tough time landing tricks.

8.  Since you are now the oldest guy in the park buy beer and cigarettes for the younger kids.  They won't respect you, but they will use you to get fucked up; you can use them to feel popular and comfortable in your new surroundings.

9.  Vehemently deny the fact that you ever killed someone just because they didn't respect your skating ability.  Deny it so much that it is awkward and people avoid making eye contact with you.

10.  Construct a home made knife or "shiv" from a coil of your mattress. Hide it on your body and use it to stab the first person who tries to make you their bitch. You'll have instant street cred, and won't have to worry about getting gang raped in the shower.

11. Oh, don't be a whuss.  Just go skate.  The skills will come back slowly but surely.  You're not invincible anymore, and you won't learn new tricks unless you skate every day, but console yourself with these facts: you can drive, you can go to bars, you do own a car, and you know what sex is like with people other than yourself.  What more can you ask for?

-Kevin Peckham