Sarah Morrison's Best Week Ever
Sarah Morrison recently came up with the best life plan ever. Instead of trying to do things that are fulfilling and make you happy all the time, just do the most ridiculous things possible and appreciate the random and amazing occurrences that pop up each and every day. Ever since adopting this theory, Sarah has had the best week ever. And although it appears on Myspace each week, we’re not above poaching content. We have also become aware that not everyone has Myspace and some people depend on reading it here. And those people would like a way to contact Sarah without a Myspace profile. If that is you, click here. Withour further adieu, here it is, the Best Week Ever. Best Week Ever: February 29th "I can't. Diplo is in your Myspace top 8 and Diplo's mom is in mine." -I walk in the door of my parents' house carrying a trash bag of clothes and a gorilla stuffed animal. My sister simply goes, "Where did you just go?" I am putting down my gorilla on the kitchen table and reply, "Oh, i went to open a new bank account." She pauses for a second, nods her head and goes, "Oh so you needed the gorilla for that." By the time i realized what she said, i look up and she had already left the room. -I was trying to come up with a name for a party i am going to throw down the line. I call Melissa to ask her to help with suggestions. She asks me what i have come up with so far. I add, "I just want to call it LolCat." I then add, "I want to call everything LolCat." -I always say when i I write my memoirs i am going to call it "How the internet ruined my life." I was bored one day and started keeping track of my week, and more and more people read. It was cool to watch. With that came hate, judgement, anonymous comments, and the like. I take responsibility for it, I wrote that first blog. And, great things have happened because of all this. But, it gets hard. I have made a NEW rule that i cant read messageboards, comments on any blog i write, or Google myself. I can't say i have been following this "rule." BUT, I chose to do this. And the results both positive and negative are mine, to call my own. I just read almost three years back in this blog, where Dana DeArmond agrees to be my internet sponsor. I miss Dana. -My mom has survived Breast Cancer three times. She asks me to do the "whatever annual Breast Cancer walk" in Boston some weekend coming up. I ask her the date and start pulling up my Blackberry calendar seeing if i was free. She tells me it is three days long. I had assumed it was some sort of mile or two trek along the Charles River. In disbelief, I go to the computer and pull up the website. I shake my head and go, "Oh my god, the Avon Breast Cancer walk sounds like fucking Burning Man." I then agree to just "give money." -Crystal gets in some horrible car accident. Then within 24 hours loses said totaled car on the street near her house. Well, she has no recollection of where she parked it and it is no where to be found. She tells me how annoyed she is when she finds out it had been towed. I shake my head, "At least it wasn't stolen." She argues that she wished it had been stolen. I start to detail nightmarish account after nightmarish account of having my car stolen. I begin to add to the story, "So the second time my car was stolen..." Crystal starts laughing and puts me on speakerphone. She interrupts, "Oh my god Sarah Morrison's car has been stolen more than once!" (speakerphone laughter ensues) I shake my head, "Obviously." -I am driving from New York to Boston, again. I encounter a snowstorm, again. I end up getting off the highway after 8 or so hours and get a motel somewhere outside of Hartford. I go to some nearby gas station to get chips or something to eat. The gas station dude is eyeing me as i roam around the store. A minute or so after my entrance, he actually wanders over to the aisle i am standing in and asks if he can help me find anything. I shake my head "no." I pick up a bag of chips and then put them back and pick up another bag. He is staring at me from behind the counter and angrily yells, "Can i help you with something?" I put whatever is in my hand back down. I have said it before in instances like this, with other people. This time completely alone in a LAMB coat, some cute-ass dress, and pair of three hundred dollar boots, i manage to announce, "I swear to god when i am anywhere besides New York or LA people think i am homeless." I slam the door, go back to my motel and opt for the less judgmental vending machines. -Wes DJs some party in Boston, Saturday night. Some sorta-cute boy starts talking to me at the bar. He works at Louis Vuitton , which i can't decide if it is lame or not. He then points to the DJ booth and tells me how much he loves Diplo. He adds, "Like he is in my Myspace Top 8." I start to laugh and tell him i have to go...to the bathroom. He seems bummed out. I add, "I can't. Diplo is in your Myspace top 8 and Diplo's mom is in mine." -A photographer comes over and starts taking my photo. Wes is nearby and the photographer asks him to stop so he can take his photo next. The photographer goes, "Sarah Morrison do you know Diplo?" I pose, then shake my head, "no." He then turns to take Wes' picture. He says to him, "Diplo you don't know Sarah Morrison." Wes goes, "Sarah is lying. We used to be engaged." I roll my eyes and walk away. -We are at the after party. I am sort of intoxicated. I am sitting on some couch talking to Spanky. Wes comes over. He leans over to me and loudly "asks," "Hey, want to come back to my hotel room and have sex later." Spanky looks at me so confused, not sure if he should kill homeboy or not. Wes smirks and walks away. Spanky is waiting for my reaction, to determine his next move. I start to explain, then stop for a second, trying to figure out where to start. I go, "That's Diplo." Spanky sorta pretended this explanation did the situation justice, I then added, "We know each other." Spanky relieved, awkwardly nodded. I attempted the same. -I just asked Gina how much the rent is for the room in her apartment in Hollywood. I don't know. I am homesick.
Best Week Ever: February 8th "There is a huge difference in being the pregnant girl from that Britney Spears movie and giving Vincent Gallo actual head on camera." -I NEED A PLACE TO LIVE IN THE GREATER BROOKLYN NY AREA MARCH 1ST. HELP ASAP K THX. -I start whining about boys to Gina on Ichat, unaware if she is actually listening or not. I type dramatic line, after more dramatic line. She replies, "Intervention." I start planning my own intervention, as Gina tries to explain she is just watching the show on A&E. I reply, "I am going to walk into some "room," with all of you sitting there. The doctor will ask everyone what my problem actually is. In unison, you guys will all be like "everything." You will say "DJs." My mom will say "burritos." Someone will totally say "the internet." Have Cory at cinespace come and say something too. Then put me on a plane." -I am half listening to Anthony and typing away on my phone. I hear him inform me that I smell "like Blackberry." I become startled enough to stop typing and completely put my phone down. He explains that it's my lipgloss, not my phone he is referring to. I pick my phone back up, confused as to why I didn't assume that. -I am unable to be in one place at the same time every week. So I watch TV shows months later like every episode in the course of a week. This week I watched Gossip Girl. Through the entire 13 hours, all I could think about was how bad I wanted to make out with Chuck. I kept telling myself it was "cool." These teenage actors are always 35. Um he is barely 20. I am officially creepy. -I opt to move my belongings from my parents' basement in Boston to my new apt in New York, during the Superbowl. My mom not a football fan of any sort, thinks I should stay through the game, and leave in the morning. My dad is helping me put things in my truck, during half time. My mom finally goes, "You are really going to drive from Boston to New York, while these two teams …" My dad interrupts, "Sure she is. There will be no traffic and every cop will be sitting in a bar watching this." -The last time the Patriots won the Superbowl, my neighbors drunkenly attempted to tip over every parked car on my street, together as "one." The night the Red Sox won the World Series I listened to furniture being thrown out windows and gunshots. You are sort of forced into the drunk insanity of it all, growing up here. I am more than over it. I chose to drive from Boston to New York, Sunday night during the Superbowl. I left at half time. I DID listen to it on the radio. I had to pull my truck over somewhere around that "2-minute-mark" because I kept losing reception. I caught myself shaking my head feeling stupid for leaving. I sat their antsy. It was like I was almost an actual sports fan. Then it was over. I shook my head and rolled my eyes. I laughed, starting the car back up glad I wasn't in Boston. -I walk out of the door of the apartment I am subletting in Brooklyn. I hear "Sarah Morrison" being beckoned from a white kidnapping-esque van. It's Mike Hart. Mike Hart and I lived in the dorms together 100 years ago in The Middle of Nowhere, New Hampshire. I run into him every couple of years in some sort of comparable weird-made-up-sounding-circumstance. We learn that we are living on the same street, like three doors down. We aren't able to make any other conversation besides just repeating this and laughing. I finally walk away waving, "Of course we do!" -World famous DJ Steve Aoki comes to meet me one night for drinks after DJing with or for come combination of Madonna and Rihanna. I surprise even myself by being excited to see him. He grabs me, hugs me, spins me around, and goes, "Is Diplo gonna beat me up? I rolled my eyes, "Sadly enough, no." -I am not even going to justify why I was talking about Taryn Manning to Leah on the phone last night. I just "was." Leah was like, "That girl is sort of like Chloe Sevigny. She doesn't really do much and people know who she is." I love Chloe. I disagree, "There is a huge difference in being the pregnant girl from that Britney Spears movie and giving Vincent Gallo actual head on camera."
Best Week Ever: February 1st "Don't fuck with Sarah Morrison! XOXO Gossip Girl." -I am having a really low self-esteem week. I am watching that movie Flakes with Zooey DeChanel. I suddenly sit up and announce, "One time Wes' mom told me I looked like her!" My mom was sort of walking by. She stopped, tilted her head as she looked at the screen, and then walked away without saying a thing. -I am very independent, always have been. Over time, I have developed some sort of weird dependence on Trevor. I catch myself asking him questions that with less than 30 seconds of thought, I could answer myself. I ask him for emails, phone numbers, how to spell things. I didn't realize I did it, until one day Trevor disappeared i.e. was on a plane. He steps off the plane and addresses every question I had sent. I get phone number after email after spelling after zip code. I finally realized and said to him, "I depend on you way too much." I added, "With less than five minutes of effort I can solve all of these problems on my own." I paused for a minute and realized, "Trevor, you are my Google." -I have a "little incident," last night. This boy I like starts dating some Mcdonalds' employee or Coffee Bean Barista or something similar. I get a *little upset.* I detail the ridiculous story today to a boy i know today, via Ichat. His name is Rory. I know him from my formative (heavy drinking) days in Boston. I detail last nights drama. I go, "I could see he was typing a message to me, right then. I didn't want to hear anymore of what he had to say. So, I just deleted him off Blackberry Messenger. Rory paused for a second, then tried to make me feel a little better, by distracting me. He recalled a story from "the 1990s." I walk/barge in on him and some girl, yelling. I don't really want to hear it and tried to stop him. I admit, "I used to drink a lot back then." Rory then adds/suggests, "You stormed into my apartment. My roommate tried to keep you from coming in." He acknowledges, while at the time not so thrilled with my emotional rampage, he still remembers it. He says, "So, YOU deleted him off Blackberry Messenger, Sarah?" I nodded. He added, "I think you need to start drinking a little bit more." -Our conversation continues. I attempt to solidify the drama in being deleted off of Blackberry Messenger, by me. Rory finds it all sort of funny. I am trying my best to be borderline serious in the explanation of my actions. Annoyed, i just finally say, "I am Sarah Fucking Morrison!" Rory quickly responds, "Don't fuck with Sarah Morrison! XOXO Gossip Girl." -Trevor throws his two cents in regarding the situation (above) this morning. I can tell he is not so thrilled with some of the things I managed to say before the "deletion." Knowing how I get, he is treading very lightly on the idea of telling me I was even sort of wrong. I shrug, "So, he knows I am just like every other girl." I add, "See, I can be crazy too!" Trevor manages to affirm, "Sarah, you are not crazy. MIA is crazy. " -I make a last inquiry to Lloyd, regarding SXSW. He still doesn't want to go, unless I/someone pays for it. He adds, "You must be able to find someone who will pay for my flight." Annoyed, I ignore him. He adds, "I will tell people I am Pase Rock!" -I have been watching Celebrity Rehab on VH1. My favorite part of the whole thing is the girl from Family Matters, addicted to weed. Crazy heroin addicts threaten to kill one another and throw up on themselves mid-sentence. If you look carefully enough, you can see Family Matters girl sort of walking by confused in the background. Television no longer exists as we know it. Our only hope for thoughtless entertainment is reality television. There will be no more 24 or Damages or Nip/Tuck. All we can do is pray to the Viacom gods for "Celebrity Weed Rehab." -I talk to Cory, (favorite boss ever/Cinespace manager) this week regarding a friend of mine. Cory agrees to meet with Greg. He gives me a time and date to relay on. Sort of distracted, I call Greg. I give him the entire rundown from staffing issues, to upcoming events, to what time on Thursday afternoon I wanted him at Cinespace. The whole rant must have lasted a minute and a half, at least. I finished my speech, took a deep breath, and waited for Greg to respond. He paused for a second. Trying not to laugh he said, "Sarah, you called the wrong Greg." I then had to call the right Greg, rinse and repeat. -I am doing "who knows what" on my computer, as my sister watches television in the same room. I pull my headphones off and ask, "Is pedophile spelled with a "f" or a "ph." She turns around VERY quickly. Until then, she seemed unaware of my presence at all. The look on her face makes me feel sort of awkward. I just fake smiled and put my headphones back on. I waved to her, and announced, "Forgot it, I'll figure it out!" -I was supposed to move to New York today. It is hailing out. So, I will instead, move to New York tomorrow. Fortunately for my parents, they get to spend the evening with me. I am in the kitchen, earlier tonight. I can feel my mother staring at me. Finally, I turn around to find out what exactly she wants. She is concerned about my appearance. I inform/remind her that I am not going anywhere, due to the hailing going on outside. She looks at me and says, "Sarah you are wearing a t-shirt, a pair of black tights, and pink High tops." I swear to her that she will be the only person affected by all this. She continues on and on. I finally just walk away from her. I say nothing. I head up stairs, find a pair of American Apparel Hooters shorts, and return with them over my tights. I dramatically storm past my mother. She looks at me, smiles, and nods like she "won."
Best Week Ever: January 25th "See, your sister Sarah feels like she did a bunch of coke and its 10am." -Lloyd tells me he is glad I came to the party, Sunday night. He adds that he doesn't want to hear any more reports of people seeing me at Annex again. I add, "I met the girl that draws those pictures of me and Gina on Myspace, in the bathroom line at Annex. Lloyd unsure of which issue with my last statement to address, nods, "I'm sure you did." -Donavon informs me he just brought me fiancé's album at Target. Legitimately confused, I ask, "Marky Mark's?" He replies, "Steve Aoki's." -Kelly calls to set me up with a photo shoot, this week. I add, "Tell them I've gained a bunch of weight." Kelly informs me I have not gained "a bunch of weight." I roll my eyes. She asks, "Well, you are still pretty, right?" I add, "Um, duh." -Gina doesn't return my text messages for 24 hours. I obviously opt to tell her I deleted her from my Myspace Top 8. She gets all-defensive about her broken phone and love for me. I roll my eyes, "You are just saying that cause you looked at my page and got all sad when you saw I replaced you with Tom." She then adds, "I can't believe you. I just moved you up on my Top 8 and you deleted me?" I finally call us both out, "I didn't take you off my Top 8, and you didn't really look." -I have found myself placing interns lately. I have had one in Philly and two in LA in need of internships. I was discussing the phenomenon with Keith, referring to myself as an intern pimp. -I write to Russ on Blackberry Messenger in need of something ridiculous and random that only he could assist with. He gave me the information I needed. He then replied, "Your weird BBMs make me remember you are still alive." I replied, "Aw thanks." -I return home with a copy of Steve Aoki's CD. I pull it out of the Target bag and announce, "I am making a vow that something of mine will be on sale at Target by this time next year." -My dad remarks about how my sister makes coffee way too strong. I take my headphones off, to agree. I go, "My heart is like fucking pounding. I feel like I just did a bunch of coke." My dad points at me, then at my sister, and announces, "See, your sister Sarah feels like she did a bunch of coke and its 10am." -Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein adds me on Facebook, this week. I instantly get excited, accept his request, and changed my relationship status to engaged to him. This engagement did not last as long as last week's engagement to Steve Aoki. And while Steve found the whole thing funny, I feel like Adam may not have. -Jared texts me asking if I am going to "that party at Studio B on Feb 1st." I inform him it sounds far away, I may go, and he should ask me when it gets closer. He tells me its some thing with Naeem and Busy P. I nod agreeing it sounds like somewhere I will probably appear. He goes, "Let's get drunk together that night." I reply, "Noted, drunk with Jared in February in Brooklyn." -I am going to be occasionally blogging on the iheartcomix blog as well as the other 80 places I frequent. This week's installment is "Sarah Morrison's Top 10 DJs of 2007 It is pretty funny. I recommend it.
Best Week Ever: January 18th and prior "I am going to Alaska like in the movie Into the Wild. Instead of alone with a rifle, I am taking Henry Rollins, Chase Lisbon, and a bunch of weed." -Donavon inquires how my stay in Boston is going. I nod calmly and reply, "I want to jump out the bathroom window upstairs at my parents house. There's like three feet of snow on the ground. So, I am afraid that might cushion my fall." -I find some feature on Facebook where I can get engaged and simply chose whom on my list of friends I would like to be engaged to. I instinctively select Steve Aoki. It then informs me a message will be sent to Steve to "confirm the engagement." I felt defeated figuring he won't approve it, and instead "yell at me" on BBM. For reasons unknown and unquestioned, I woke up engaged to Steve Aoki on Facebook. While some of the comments I received regarding said engagement were kind of funny, those that Steve received were priceless. My personal favorite was, "Congrats you're engaged to one of my favorite 20-somethings in all of the United States of America!" -I am beginning to address my pile of outerwear under the DJ booth last night. I have maybe gotten one arm into sweatshirt number two, when Wes grabs my Blackberry off the floor and starts yelling trying to find "it's owner, while standing inches from me. He begins scrolling through it mumbling names in the phonebook he knows. He then announces, "They know Naeem!" Dissapointed in the how the investigation is going, I just lean over and grab it out of his hand. He mumbles something about not leaving my phone on the ground, and wanders off. -Little Rye Rye plays last night. I love her. Shit's slowing down, and so I head over to say hi. I tell her that I want to adopt her. She doesn't seem at thrilled, as I had hoped. -Stretch Armstrong and I are the only "out of the closet readers" of Lloyd's blog. Nonchalantly Lloyd throws this out, "(DJ) AM came up to me, out one night and told me he liked my blog." I don't take Adam for much of a reader and try to shoot the whole thing down. Lloyd swears Adam reads blogs all day, everyday. Sort of concerned i ask, "Shit, does that mean he reads mine too?" Lloyd nods, rolling his eyes. "Maybe that's why he deleted me on Blackberry Messenger," I shrugged. -Lloyd manages to inquire, "So how is that thing with you being Gina's manager going?" I nodded and ensured him it was going good. He added, "So how long did you guys actually manage to keep that going for?" Trying not to laugh I managed, "Businesswise, Gina and I were headed in two very different directions." -Thrilled at the fact Naima is back in NYC, I beg her to let me stay in the dorms with her at NYU. She seems just as excited and promises popcorn, hair braiding, and mayhem. Naima fails miserably. She falls asleep, leaving me devastated. Lloyd and Pase try to console me over breakfast, at 5am. Truthfully, neither of them have any idea why I wanted to stay in the dorms at all. They are making that very clear to me. Not entirely sure myself, I simply announce, "I am 28 years old. My time for it being even sort-of-ok to stay in the dorms is quickly coming to an end." -Lloyd is experiencing my lack of enthusiasm/optimism when it comes to my horrific apartment search. He throws out happy images of babies, cute little animals, and free drugs. I seriously stop him and go, "I just don't want to have to go back to LA." I add, "My fear is not never finding an apartment in New York, or being unable to rent my apartment in Philly. It is not homelessness or worrying I will have to move in with my parents for the rest of eternity." I continue, "I am afraid I will be forced to move back into my old apartment in Hollywood and work at Cinespace." -I am on the train this afternoon. I am seated next to two-college freshman returning to school, after winter break. They are discussing things like their excitement to see the campus again and their inability to sleep past 8 am, while home at their parents' house. My phone rings sometime during this, with Leah inquiring about a text message I had sent her earlier. I just start crying and muttering about a boy who left with some ugly waitress the evening prior. I throw in something about Naeem and how I am going to have a nervous breakdown. Leah is trying not to laugh, while sort of suggesting that I calm down for my own sake, and that of the train's passengers. Before hanging up, i add, "I haven't slept yet." I notice the college freshmen sort of frozen, not sure whether they should continue debating their favorite campus building's architecture, or not. I start to get up. I apologize quietly, then step over them both. I head to the snack car and return with two drinks. -I am upset last night/today after a boy I like disappoints me. Sadness, logically grows into anger and then to sort of humor-filled irrationality. After Steve Aoki, and later Naeem have no idea what to say to me at all, Keith becomes my target. Due to my not-so-logical state, Keith does not recommend me "taking any sort of action," in the foreseeable future. I roll my eyes. Unphased, I add, "This is like the part in American Beauty where Kevin Spacey goes crazy, just remove the teenage sex and add "I haven't slept yet." -I have found the solution to my latest unfavorable life assessment. I am going to Alaska like in the movie Into the Wild. Instead of alone with a rifle, I am taking Henry Rollins, Chase Lisbon, and a bunch of weed.
Best Week Ever: January 18th and prior "I have read about how horrible I am, how much worse I am in person, an entire three paragraphs by some 16 year old about how bad she felt for me and how worried she was I would still be doing what I am doing at 30, and most recently Cisco Adler's desire to have hot hate sex with me." -I have gained ten pounds. Downside, I can't get into my jeans. Upside, I have enough boob to buy a bra. I wander around Victoria's Secret long enough to find some simple black bra with no padding, grab it, and begin to head to the register. Some sale associate stops me and asks me if I need help or would like to try said undergarment on. I shrug, " I don't own a bra so whatever this is, I am sure it will work." -A boy I know is telling me he really likes a lady friend of mine. He is looking for suggestions on what he should do. I suggest he tell her. At least, then he would know either way. Supportively I add, "One time I texted Wes telling him I liked him." The boy wanted to know what happened. I shrugged, "He wrote something back about me wanting him to have gay sex with Steve Aoki." The boy seemed empathetic, "I am sorry, Sarah." -I go outside to smoke a cigarette. I return inside and my sister asks me how I smoke cigarettes so fast. I pause for a second to think about it, and then announce, "I just smoke the cigarette really fast." She looked at me sort of blankly and simply nodded. -Someone asks me about Nicky. I, in turn inform them I am not speaking to Nicky anymore. I add, "I.E. I simply respond to him with really bitchy text messages." -I finally get a chance to meet up with Anthony at his Bopnique Musique studio/lair of music brilliance. I bring my sister along. The two of us are sort of wandering around exploring all of Anthony music gadgets and gizmos, speechless in amazement. We pause to stare at his wall of albums he has worked on. They range from Duran Duran to the Dawson's Creek Soundtrack. Anthony looks at my sister and announces, "I was more excited to meet Sarah Morrison than I was Elton john. But don't tell Elton, I said that." -I call Naima to figure out if she is back from LA yet. She informs me she will not return to New York until late January. She then asks, "Where are you going to be on January 18th?" I quickly respond, "Sitting outside your dorm at NYU waiting for you." -Naima asks me if I still talk to Dora. I tell Naima, the last time I saw Dora was at some sort of afternoon pool party at her parents' house in the valley, one weekend they were away. I added, "It was weird. That kid from the Transformer's movie was there. He pulled this machete out of his backpack and started swinging it around doing Karate moves alone in the yard." Naima wanted to know what Dora's reaction to that scenario was. I go, "She was sort of ok with it." She just said, "Sarah, he is training for the new Indiana Jones movie." Naima laughed, "Like that makes it ok?" I nodded, "Exactly." -Nikki starts telling me she saw them filming the Sex and the City movie on her way to work. I tell her to shut up because I don't want to hear anything about the movie. She continues, "They were in Duane Reade! I just ruined the whole movie! There's a scene where Carrie goes to the drug store." I roll my eyes, "You still just made me sad." -I am telling DJ extraordinaire Lloydski of my brilliant find of old Marky Mark tracks. I agree to go Lloyd's Big Fun party Sunday night (If you are in the Nyc area I recommend you attend as well. I hear Diplo may make an appearance.) Lloyd sort of ignores my Marky Mark references. He then adds, "Ok Sarah, you are on the list as "girl with my Funky Bunch records." -I am in the process of organizing my sort of unorganized last minute SXSW party. Gina and I are discussing it via Ichat one evening. I have all the DJs lined up. I tell Gina I want to book one act. She suggests I ask Uffie and gives me Anna's screen name. I simply type, "Hi, Gina gave my your screen name. I am totally obsessed with you and want to marry you and have you rap your vows to me!" I sent this to Gina as well. I was instructed by Gina to inform Anna it was me "NOW!@" I did pause a little, and eventually managed to type, "It's Sarah Morrison." Anna thought it was funny and informed she was ready to "kill Gina." I smiled, cause I won. -I am going over a list of possible acts to book for this SXSW event. I get to "Spank rock." I announce, "No. Negotiating with Naeem is going to be like trying to do that drunk interview with Franki Chan at CMJ." -My brand new Macbook crashes. (Thank you Aviron Ron P for your assistance in this matter, and every other computer matter I have burdened you with over the years.) My hard drive is not even visible to the Genius Bar geniuses. They take off with my computer for a while. An enthusiastic staff member returns fifteen minutes later. He is trying to get me excited about the fact that I may have lost everything on my computer, but Apple is giving me a brand new laptop. I stare sort of blankly at the three technicians hoping for me to smile and state, "Sorry about my lack of excitement. My laptop is 2 weeks old. If this had been five years down the road I would totally be hugging all you guys." -One of my favorite bloggers Rose of AroundTheWayGirls.net features me as their girl of the week. Like clockwork the "Anonymous" haters post their nasty comments, which Rose deleted and I don't care to ever read. I was relaying the story to someone. In my annoyance with people who get all bitchy, hiding behind their computer screens, I go, "I have read about how horrible I am, how much worse I am in person, an entire three paragraphs by some 16 year old about how bad she felt for me and how worried she was I would still be doing what I am doing at 30, and most recently Cisco Adler's desire to have hot hate sex with me." I shrug, "Pussys."
Best Week Ever: January 4th and a little December "Great, now something comes up when you Google my name and Cisco Adler." -I apologize for not updating this for a month. I also apologize that what you are about to read is not that funny. I have been sort of dealing with the big stuff in life lately. I forgot to pay attention to the little stuff. -My sister receives some sort of new exciting Ipod for Christmas. She plugs it into her computer and is in awe of its capabilities. She announces, "It upload photos too. I wish I had more photos." I remark, "Plug it into my computer. You will instantly have 500 some odd Cobrasnake photos of me to enjoy!" -I get a new Macbook. I instantly fall in love with Video Chat. I alert Trevor to the news via one of our boring twelve some odd options for communicating with one another, Blackberry messenger. Trevor manages to remark, "Now we will never ever be apart!" -At the dinner table Christmas evening, my aunt manages to ask, "Sarah, so what do you plan on doing after you are done being famous on the internet?" -Greg is the first to alert me of Spankrock's Loose video's internet presence. He goes, "It is definitely xxx, but then again the only two people I have met off Myspace and enjoy talking to are Sarah Morrison and Dana DeArmond. So I am ok with Noodz." -Donavon starts texting me. I reply, "Hold on, I am forcing my dad to watch the Spankrock Loose video." Donavon simply typed back, "He must be so proud." -Brooke and I go to see Juno. There is a preview for some dumb new romantic comedy with Katherine Heigel. The screen reads, "From a screenwriter of the Devil Wears Prada." I roll my eyes and rephrase, "From a reader of the Devil Wears Prada!" -My brother is supposed to go to the doctors the day after Christmas. He stumbles downstairs clothed, ready to go. My dad asks him to go upstairs and shower, for the doctor's benefit. I add, "Go upstairs and wash your balls, Sam." -I receive a Myspace message from a girl in New Zealand telling me she had gone to see Steve Aoki DJ the previous evening in her homeland. She tells me, "The whole night I just wanted to go up to him and say, "I like Sarah Morrison so much better than you." I told her I wish she had. -I am telling Franki Chan that my goal for next week is to get an Adderol prescription. I am convinced it will make me more productive. He agrees. I then add, "Adderol is like coffee laced with happiness." -I am lurking on the Hollertronix message board, detailing my intense fear of it and its inhabitants to Gina. Fearless, Gina gets an account and posts something over there. I am in complete shock. I go, "The Hollertronix board is the only thing on the internet I am afraid of." -I am making coffee in my parents' kitchen one morning. My laptop is playing music and beeping with Ichat messages. I am talking to Donavon on speakerphone. My dad walks by and inquires, "It there ever a point in your day were everything isn't loud?" I shrug, shake my head, and remark, "I don't think so." -I offer Wes and the Mad Decent groupies a 16 year old girl in Philly who had wanted to intern for me. I instruct him to send me a legitimate list of things he will have her do. I reiterate 6890293 times that she is a 16 year old girl and they need to remember that when she is there. I receive a list that goes something like this; count cds, go to record shops with one sheets, help in the wherehouse, count cds, get food, and BJs if she is cute." Knowing he is trying to upset me, I reply, "Hand jobs until she is out of high school, k thanks." -When I have brilliant insights or time on my hands I still post some of my ramblings on Trevor's blog EatSkeet.com. I go to the site one day this week. I lose my train of thought when I encounter by a bunch of blogs by Cisco Adler. I forget entirely what I planned to write in the first place. I simply type, "Great, now something comes up when you Google my name and Cisco Adler." -I have never deleted anyone off Blackberry Messenger. It is not like people can Google enough weird tags and come up with my Blackberry pin. While my list may not be any sort f reflection of my BFFS, I know everyone on it. Whether I talk to them everyday, the presence of their name and constant update on were they are every single day does not seem to bother me. I notice this week that Adam "DJ AM" deleted me off BBM. It pissed me off. I am not entirely sure why, but it did. I was out with my mom when he was trying to apologize and re-add me. I simply stopped, turned to my mom, and said, "This whole thing just makes me want to post a blog about how he used to try to have Cybersex with me." She paused for a second, looked at me blankly, and then continued walking.
Best Week Ever: December 7th "You should just move in with Diplo's mom!" -I have a lovely one bedroom apartment for rent ASAP in South Philadelphia. Sarah@cinespace.info for more info. -I hate the reference "Blah blah blah is the new blah blah blah. (ie. Gwyneth is the new black) Fortunately/unfortunately my week can only be summed up by, "New York is the new LA and Facebook is the new Myspace." -I am hanging out with Nicky and he is complaining incessantly. He is over Philly. As he continues his rant he appears to be over pretty much everything else, as well. He then announces, "Let's move somewhere crazy and have babies!" I shrug and agree to it. He adds, "Like Croatia!" I look at him confused and go, "I was hoping it was going to be somewhere like Brooklyn." -I love Crystal, I do. Crystal writes me on AIM one day asking if I want to write for some blog she is starting. I tell her I will, only if it pays. It does not. She adds, "It's a good opportunity to get noticed and out there." I simply respond, "Oh, I was out there and they noticed me way too much. That's why I left LA." -Greg has moved to LA. I know Greg from my formative days in Boston. I have probably seen Greg once since 2003. He has not just moved to LA, he has moved in with Gina and Lax. I am on the phone with Kelly one night, when she informs me he is sitting next to everyones new best friend, Greg. I relay this one story, "I was moving out of one of my apartments in Boston. Greg agreed to come over and help move the furniture out. All he did was throw my couch off the back porch." -Leah asks when she can come visit me in Philly. I tell her she can come whenever she likes. I add, "You just have to tell me when you are coming. So I can get furniture and clean." She adds, "Knowing that maybe I will just show up. I add, "Great with a camera crew from TLC?" She adds, "With Ty." -Wes has some weird thing on his leg. I show up at his studio/crackden to bring him antibiotics, one afternoon. I hand him the medicine. I go, "Take two now, like when you were little and the doctor would say that." He looks at me like I am insane and goes, "What doctor was that, Dr. Kevorkian?" -We are all on our way out the door to leave Wes to his "music." I am not sure why the exit stopped and turned to Wes discussing how he went to a better college than the rest of us. But it does, and we all stop to watch him Google. As the page is loading he announces, "I went to one of the best film schools in the country." The page appears and his school is not on it. He sort of starts to scroll around on the page, getting upset. We all stand there sort of awkwardly with our coats on waiting. I finally go, "I'm sure it got like an honorable mention." I then grab Naeem and Ian and whisper, "Let's go." -I get mugged and sort of groped (I'm fine and it could have been worse. You guys get the brief and PG version) The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way and became my sort of reason to leave Philadelphia. Keith seemed sort of concern and inquired where I planned to go next. I told him I hoped to move to New York, a little sooner than planned. He then suggested, "You should just move in with Diplo's mom!" -After the mugging bit, I went to my parents' house in Boston for the week. Me, my mom, and my sister went to the mall one afternoon. We walk into Abercrombie and Fitch. The teenage employees are sitting on the couches. The horrible music is so loud that you are unable to speak to one another or walk around without holding your hands over your ears. I run out of the store after ten seconds of this and scream, "This is like the worst party ever!" -My mom offers to buy me a bra at Victoria's Secret. I am wandering around, completely afraid. I finally ask a salesgirl if they make a bra without padding. She directs me to one. She holds it up for me to look at. I grab it out of her hands and deem it "perfect." I begin to head to the register. She stops me to ask if I would like to try it on. I shake my head, "I don't even own a bra. So whatever this is, I'm sure it will be fine!" -I don't like Iphones. I don't want one at all. Even my own mother seemed disappointed when I arrive to visit her with a Blackberry. She remarks, "I figured if anyone I knew would have an Iphone it would be my daughter." -The East Somerville Community School caught on fire the other night. It was some sort of electrical thing that spread throughout the building. This means little to you if you are not from Boston. I cried when I saw it on the news. I spent a lot of time in that school. I wrote to Leah about it saying how sad it made me. She goes, "I felt so bad watching those kids on TV. They were so bummed out and I don't even like kids." -I am sitting at the computer, at my parents' house. My mother and sister enter the room. My sister turns to my mom and goes, "You look really skinny." I turn around, point at my sister (who has lost at least 40 pounds since the summer) and go, "You look really skinny!" Then nether of them say anything. I start to awkwardly laugh. My sister then manages to announce, "I like you normal. When you are really skinny, it makes your face look weird." I looked at both of them and simply and nodded -I am leaving the airport and am getting into a shuttle to go home. There are two van drivers standing near the shuttle that is set to take me home. One of them starts laughing as I approach. The other one puts out his cigarette, smirks, ad goes, "How old are you, 13?" I roll my eyes, "No 12" and hand him my bag. -Dora takes me out of her "Top 8" and replaces me with Anna aka miss Uffie who I love to death. I think its sort of funny and write some sort of sarcastic comment on Anna's page deeming her cooler than me. Dora writes me some bitchy message telling me to get over it. I try to tell her I just thought it was funny. She responds, "It's not that funny and everyone knows I havent't talked to you in like five months." The last time I did talk to her was probably October. She hasn't returned any of my phone calls or texts lately. It was probably entirely so she could justify removing me from her "Top 8." My god somehow someone just said to me, "Everyone knows I haven't talked to you in five months!" -I know a lot of you girls were Myspace friends with Waffles + Falafels.Waffles+Falafels was a clothing brand I modeled for. They had dope t-shirts. It was more like this gang of girls around the world that you wanted to be your BFFs. There was some business breakdown this week. Waffles is gonna try to put something new together and keep us girls ganged up. So add this page so you don't miss out on what's next. Cause whatever is next; you can guarantee I AM IN! -I will be in NYC this week to support my "internet Boo Trevor" aka DJ Skeet Skeet and check out some Heatherette and Irregular Choice stuff. Mostly to hear what Trevors gotta show to NYC. See you Wednesday.
Best Week Ever: November 23rd "One time Russ came over and there was a bottle of" I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" spray on the floor next to my bed." -I am in the bathroom at Tattooed Moms. It is probably 10pm. Some girl is puking all over the place. I sort of laugh and her friend informs me it is said girl's birthday. She then leans in and sort of whispers, "She is 30." -Nicky and Matt are walking me to my car, one evening. Matt notices the missing passenger side mirror, which is actually inside on the floor of my vehicle, due to a mishap with my driveways fence a while back. He points at the missing mirror and asks, "So what do you see in this? I simply state, "The future." -Allegra and I somehow found ourselves dancing with some overweight bald dude at Making Time. We rolled with it. I end up downstairs later, without Allegra and encounter said dude alone. It is the end of the night and they are playing the Beach Boys. Dude pulls me over to dance with him. He seems harmless enough. His first move is to grab my left boob. Once I sort of call that move off, he simply grabs my vagina. With that, I will never feel bad for a penis again, no matter who it is attached to. -Making Time ends at 4. We then head to Sean's for some after party. It quickly becomes light out. I see people putting on their jackets and assume it is time to go home. I quickly learn we are all going to a bar that opens at 7am, instead. I put my coat on; shake my head, and go, "Only in Philadelphia." -I hate going to the movies, due to the fact I have horrible ADD and the whole process stresses me out. I really wanted to see Gone Baby Gone, last week. Nicky was unable to get his shit together. Nicky finally found himself "ready," this week.Unfortunately for him, the movie is no longer playing. He then has to coerce me into going to see "the Devil something depressing" starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. I arrive at the theater 5 minutes after it started. He looks annoyed and I don't really care. Trying not to laugh I go, "So Ben Affleck's in this, right?" He replies, "Yeah, and Marky Mark." We head into the theater. -Taryn lives upstairs from me. We frequent each others apartments when in need of gossip or toilet paper. She shows up at my door one night. She is leaning in my doorway. I assume she is tired. She informs me that she is drunk. At some point during the conversation, she pushes my door open and screams when she witnesses the state of my apartment. I push her back into the hallway and tell her to stop. She starts laughing and asks, "Did I just see a Pizza Hut box in a pile of clothing?" I roll my eyes and reply, "Hopefully you are SO drunk you won't remember this tomorrow." I then add, "One time Russ came over and there was a bottle of" I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" spray on the floor next to my bed." -My flight to Boston is delayed for three hours. By the time I arrive in Boston, I could have driven there. Actually, I could have driven there slowly. While fake sleeping at the Philadelphia airport, I hear some woman trying to get someone's attention by awkwardly saying "Excuse me" over and over again. I become sort of aware, afraid she is speaking to me. Luckily, I hear some lady recognize her request. She simply states, "Are we in Tampa?" The lady whose attention she had eventually received somehow managed to nonchalantly reply, "No, we are in Philadelphia." I started laughing uncontrollably. When they looked at me, I went back to "fake sleeping." -I spend Thanksgiving at my grandparents' retirement home in Worchester, Ma. My aunt turns run-of-the-mill dinner conversation into natural disaster conversation, logically. Due to my ties with Los Angeles, I am asked for my thoughts on the So Cal fires. I tell them I was worried. I add how I became especially concerned when I saw the television footage of San Diego, due to the fact that my friend Kelly's parents live there. I tell my Thanksgiving audience about my distressed call to Kelly, "She told me her parents had been evacuated. I asked her if they were at the stadium. She told me they had gone to a resort in Orange County." I then added, "I starting laughing and told Kelly that sounds like what my parents would do." My dad trying not to laugh, shook his head in agreement. -My sister wants to go to the local bar the night before Thanksgiving. I do not want to, due to the fact it will be a parade of everyone I do not want to ever see again from high school, but drunk. I somehow manage to get myself down there. I refuse to go in and am standing by a Chinese restaurant nearby. My sister comes out to check on my whereabouts. I see a bunch of overweight drunk girls in cheap shoes stumble by. I then hear someone scream their names. I go, "They are still fat, probably still angry, and I am going to sit in the car." I then ran past them, with my hood on, while my sister screamed me name. -I run into Mike's cousin outside of that bar in my town Thanksgiving eve. He tells me he heard I moved to Philadelphia. He starts talking shit about LA. He can not believe I lived there that long. I sort of shrug and announce, "I love LA. I am just on a one to two year long East Coast vacation." -Steve Aoki whined and bitched trying to get me to go up to New York the last time he was DJing there. I had other plans here in Philly. I see on the internet this week, not only was he in NYC, but he DJed my latest internet idol Kesh's birthday party. I avoided the topic of why he did not tell me he was in New York and went straight to the topic at hand. I wrote, "You DJed Kesh's birthday party?" He replied, "Yeah, she is awesome, Sarah!" I rolled my eyes and replied, "Tell her to adopt me." -I invited Nicky to go to Boston with me for Thanksgiving. Due to my late notice, he is unable to get off work. I text Nicky on Thanksgiving to wish him a happy holiday. He tells me to say hi to my mom for him. My mom says the same back. I admit to everyone that it is my own fault Nicky could not come. After the discussion ends about my inability to understand people who have schedules, I text Nicky back, "Perhaps, I am unable to comprehend that people have lives. Apparently, the world does not revolve around me." I then add, "I am not sure that I believe the second part." -I had what I thought was a zit that turned into some sort of crazy death looking abrasion on my thigh. I went to the ER where they determined it was a spider bite that got infected. Wes writes me this morning inquiring about that "bug bite I had on my butt" and informs me he has one now "too." I tell him I have the rest of the medicine that I didn't take. I tell him that he can have it. He then asks me to bring it to him. I simply reply, "No." Best Week Ever: November 16th "Wait, you drink rubbing alcohol?" -I have been told by half the world (i.e. three of my friends and one interview I read of Chloe Sevigny's) that I need to purchase a pair of Cheap Monday jeans. Luckily, Urban Outfitters sells them. I take the size I should wear and one bigger (just in case) into the dressing room. I can not even sort of get into either pair. I am about to hand my unwanted items to the girl in the fitting room on my way out. I pause and ask, "Do these run small?" She grabs the clothes from me and tells me she has heard they do. I add, "Ok, that helps a little. You can have these and I will grab another size that I refuse to disclose on my way to the register." She starts laughing, points at me, and announces, "I like her." -Urban Outfitters has given me a gift card in exchange for some of my services. I am looking at the website and find this cute romper I want. I text my roommate/upstairs neighbor, who works at Urban to see what size she thinks I should purchase. She suggests an 8. They biggest size the thing comes in is a 10. In New York, I see the romper in the Soho store. I try it on. I purchase a 0. Inside, I feel that I won a little. -I am sitting on the bus next to some boy who is making conversation with me. He hears me on the phone talking about getting a job with Nylon and asks if I am a writer. I admit to "sort of being" one. I ask him what he does. He works at a bank or something; I was not really paying attention. He then adds, "It just pays the bills. I am really an artist." So I inquire about the art. He is not sure what kind of artist he is. He says he likes photography and has read two books about it. He then asks me to suggest ways to get into photography. I try to tell him to take a class. He sort of shrugs that off. He sort of just wants to know how he can become a photographer with few skills by morning. I suggest he go to nightclubs with his crappy digital camera, take some photos, and post them on his blogspot. I add, "You will be a party photographer by the end of the week!" -I am buying a bunch of dumb stuff at Wawa (Philly's 711) late one evening. The sober checkout boy somehow charges me double for everything, plus a carton of Marlboro lights vs. the pack I had asked for. He returns it all. But, none of that will clear for a week or so, as anyone with a bank account knows. At this point, there are 80 people in line behind me yelling. Now, I just want the pack of cigarettes and to leave the store. When he goes to charge my card, it won't accept the charge for the cigarettes, due to the fact I had probably 50 dollars in my account and he has charged 4 times that already. I get mad and tell him he screwed up and it's not fair I can't have cigarettes. He stops for a second and then yells to the line, "Someone buy the cute girl her cigarettes?" The douchebags in line start yelling obscenities. I scream back with more obscenities and tell them how I feel. The checkout boy hands me the cigarettes, winks, and says, "They are on me." I give the idiotic boys in line the finger as I walk out. -Spinderella is DJing here one night in Philly. We are at Tattooed Mom's before heading over to see her. I text Sean Agnew the king of Philly's social scene, asking him what he is doing and if he wants to come hang out. He responds with something about not coming out. I inquire, "Are you hanging out with Spinderella?" He replies, "You are like the third person to ask me that." -I get in a cab to go to Kelly's. Upon entering the cab, my driver asks me if my name is Natalie. I shrug and tell him "Maybe." He informs me that his mother has psychic powers or something. When he was in elementary school she told him he would marry a girl named Natalie. The story is actually much longer than this. Like, it is still going on as we approach Kelly's house. I hand him the money and tell him my name is Sarah. I add, "I hope the next girl you pick up is Natalie." I somehow exit the cab with his number anyways. -Nicky and me get in a huge fight after I find out he is becoming a DJ. Our "relationship" has been strained since. I was sort of mean. I did announce during the argument, "I will never become a DJ, but if I did my DJ name would be DJ Haras." He didn't get it. So I had to add, "That's Sarah backwards." -Wes doesn't pick up his phone or respond to my "Happy Birthday" text messages, late Friday evening. I ask Sean if he knows where Wes is. He tells me Wes decided not to go out. I ask, "Why, it's his birthday?" Sean obviouslly has no knowledge of this. He asks, "How do you know it's Wes' birthday?" I simply state, "His mom told me." -We are the Mad Pussy party Saturday evening. It is Wes' birthday so since he wants to leave we all have to oblige. Allegra had just gotten to the party. She is talking to both me and Kelly, but I am sort of just standing there staring at both of them. She finally turns to me and goes, "What is wrong with you? I have never seen you this quiet?" I start laughing and go, "We ate weed cookies." -Jason Musson appears at some house party we are at Saturday night. It is approximately 3am and he asks me if I just woke up. I tell him about the Weed cookies. He becomes alarmed. He goes, "That's what Kelly just gave me?" I shrug, "Probably." He goes on about how he just ate one and she had failed to mention the weed part. I simply ask, "You just thought she just had cookies in her purse at some house party at 3am?" -I am Buffalo Exchange selling more of my clothing. The boy doing the buying stares for five minutes at my Stitch's jeans. He then announces "26.50." Alarmed, I go, "Those are this season's. They retail for like 210 dollars." He looks at them again and asks me "where they sell them." I sort of roll my eyes and go, "Um everywhere. I bought them at Fred Segal." He gets all snippy and goes, "Well, why are buying 210 dollar jeans at Fred Segal and wearing them twice?" I reply, "That's really none of your business." I get 50 dollars for them. -I spend Tuesday afternoon at the Spankrock "Bangers and Cash-Loose" video shoot. Naeem texted me asking me to come and be in the video. I arrive and they are shooting. So, I am stuck behind a curtain in the kitchen with some girl waiting for the shot to end, so I can head in. I am unable to see what's going on. But, I am able to hear things like "Now, you make out with her," "Grab her boobs, and "Lift your ass higher." I turn to the girl holding me hostage in the kitchen and go, "I am going to kill Naeem." -Once let into the Spankrock and Benny video shoot, I witness what would be classified as soft core porn. Luckily, the participants are Suicide Girls or Burning Angels or something. I will be able to keep me clothes on. Naeem sees me standing there staring at the video screen. He comes over to hug me and asks, "How was your day so far?" I tell him I was at home writing and drinking coffee. Sort of overwhelmed I go, "Wow, I wish every Tuesday afternoon was like this." -During some break in shooting, we are corralled into the kitchen for some sort of Vodka demonstration. What occurs next is crappy 6.99 Vodka is filtered through some device where it the ends up tasting like Grey Goose or some comparable pricier Vodka. I clap my hands in the middle of the whole thing and announce, "This is like Science1" -The demonstration involves us trying both the crappy Vodka and in the end the filtered classier Vodka. As the crappy Vodka is passed around, some dude announces disgusted, "This tastes like rubbing alcohol." Immediately I announce, "I am so tired of drinking rubbing alcohol." Some other boy apparently hears me, sort of shakes his head in confusion and asks, "Wait, you drink rubbing alcohol?" -Amanda shows up at some point at the video shoot. She looks at the screen half laughing and half in shock, and announces, "My mom in going to kill me." I add, "Once this video comes out, I am going to pretend I don't know any of you." -There is a commercial for these Macaroni and Cheese bites at Sonic. I have never seen anything I have wanted to eat more. I went to the website and discovered the closest Sonic is 40 something miles away in New Jersey. Email them to me. -I work things out with my mom this week. We are on the phone making small talk when the doorbell rings. I tell her to hold on a second, as I go to answer the door. It is some dude in a suit. I quickly ask him, "What are you selling?" He starts his rant about the Latter Day Saints. I shake my head, tell him no thanks, and head back inside. My mom is still on the phone and inquires, "What was he selling?" I go, "He was just selling religion." - The kind and charitable team at waffles + falafels have agreed to donate a portion of t-shirt profits to the Sarah Morrison charity fund. Up until recently they have not been for sale, and you girls have been asking about them. So this is your chance. Go get a shirt and become a Waffles girl just like us! Oh, and my charity drive ends Monday. So buy them now, bitches!
Best Week Ever: November 9th "I don't know bags or shoes. I am like Cobrasnake fashionable." -Kelly points at my blog, one afternoon. She shows me several instances where the name "Kelly" is mentioned. I tell her that she is not the only Kelly in my life, and that in fact I have a good friend in LA named Kelly. She then informs me that to her (and perhaps the other Kelly) it seems like I may be making up parts of my blog. I stare blankly at her and eventually agree to identify them accordingly. I doubt anyone else is convinced I am making things up, but whatever. So I will now differentiate them as we go. -Kellyturso.com and I are at an art show of sorts. It is less than exciting. We end up downstairs and talking to the underage bartender. She is cute. Her name is Ayana. She is in school and is detailing the roommate drama that we remember oh too well from our college days. We promise to go out with her the following week to some college party. Half way through the week, Kelly texts me and asks, "Wait, are we really going to a college party on Thursday night?" I simply reply, "Duh." -Kellyturso.com comes back from NYC. She suggests we move there. I agree. She then details her stay in Brooklyn, with fear in her eyes. She starts detailing the overwhelming hipster epidemic that Brooklyn has been plagued with. She adds, "You are the closet thing I know to a hipster." I roll my eyes. She corrects herself, "Sarah, you are not a hipster. You are like a hipster hybrid."
-I am buying some dumb shirt Wes wants and then later does not want from Urban Outfitters. One person after other rolls up with returns. The checkout girl keeps apologizing and informing them she can't do returns yet. I go to high five her and say, "Stay that way!" -Urban Outfitters now employees me. So I go down to their store to purchase the free clothes they gave me. I am in line. Some girl behind me holds up this gray and red striped t-shirt to her male friend. She goes, "I could totally wear it with a pair of black jeans. Should I get it.?" I turn around, look at the shirt and simply go, "No." -I am walking out of Urban Outfitters and the alarm goes off. I stop due to the fact I am not stealing anything. Two employees grab my stuff and receipts and take off with them. I am on my Blackberry waiting to leave. Then manager dude rolls in and asks to check my bag. Perhaps somehow I look homeless or like a criminal, I don't know. He seems sort of embarrassed when I explain I freelance for them. They eventually let me go. Upon leaving I was like, "This would never even sort of happen to me in LA." -I have been selling my clothes at Buffalo Exchange here in Philly. I sort of want to volunteer there. They are looking at my LaRok dresses and Yanuk tops and press 10 in the calculator because they don't get it. I don't need the stuff. So I figure 20 dollars is better than taking up space on the floor of my apartment. So, if you are looking for Sarah Morrison's last season's everything that didn't sell at my LA yard sales, you will find it at the Philly Buffalo Exchange. -I am on my way back from a meeting in NYC, one afternoon. Its pouring rain and I am hustled on to some Chinatown bus allegedly bound for Philly. I sit down and inquire if we are actually going to Philly. No one knows for sure. Then some dude comes on the bus to collect our tickets. He yells something about going to Philadelphia and DC. At least three people stand up, go over to him, and ask if we are going to DC or Philly first. I laugh and say to the dude next to me, "Oh, I hope to god we are going to DC first." -I am at a meeting at a magazine in New York one afternoon. They enlist me to write for the magazine's boy version. I am thrilled. The gentleman meeting with me lays out what he wants me to do for the magazine. He then adds, "Maybe down the road you could write for the girl mag as well." I shrug and say, "I don't know. I don't know bags or shoes. I am like Cobrasnake fashionable." He laughs and agrees. -Nikki and I are both brilliant in our separate ways. We opt to have a business meeting one afternoon in NYC. It ends up just being shopping. At some point outside of Uniqlo in the rain we start talking business. She gets a phone call. She goes, "I should just tell them I am in a meeting." I add, "Let me call you back. I am in a business meeting outside of Uniqlo in the rain." I pause for a second, and then add, "If this is really a business meeting, Lets move inside to Uniqlo's elevator!" -Nikki and I enter Soho's Forever 21. I instantly became very overwhelmed and remark, "Oh my god. This place is like H&M on fire!" -Me, Nikki, and Adam all head out of the rain and into some Starbucks in Soho one evening. I look like it's my first time at Disney upon entering the establishment, as I observe people at tables in conversations with laptops. I remark, "I have only seen this on TV!" Nikki inquires, "What do Starbucks in LA look like?" I add, "They just have lines!" -Adam asks me what my email is. I go, "Oh it is sarah@theinternet.com." Nikki starts laughing. He looks up and announces, "I had just typed 3/4 of that into my Blackberry." -While at Nylon this week, I was handed the new Nylon. I was at Kelly's (kellyturso.com) showing it to her. I the held up Steve's interview (oh and that photo resulted) Kelly goes, "Oh my god is that Dan Oh?" I sadly informed her, "Just Steve Aoki." -Love me now, judge me later kids. I have been freelancing for several fashion establishments and magazines and am waiting for invoices. Due to a few glitches in a few peoples "systems" I am not receiving payments until mid December. I owe my landlord 1200 on December 1st. I do not have it. So donate here if you care. If not look for my blogs on "homelessness." HELP ME PAY MY RENT AND November 2nd "Sarah, you have a serious attitude problem right now. I will talk to you when it's over." -We are in a cab one night. Jac and Crystal pass me some water bottle of Vodka with a splash of orange juice. I take a sip of it, start to gag, and then announce, "It tastes like Cinespace and Steve Aoki!" -It is Halloween afternoon and I finally come to decide that I am going to either be "pregnant" or "Steve Aoki." Leah votes Steve Aoki. She suggests I carry around a 12 pack of Pepsi as part of the costume. Texas Mike suggests I be "pregnant Steve Aoki." When I inform Leah of this, she logically comes up with, "You can give birth to the 12 pack of Pepsi!" -I receive a text message from Crystal that reads, "You remind me of Edie Sedgwick minus the drug overdose and catastrophes." It was 3:15 am. -I sleep at Kurt's for reasons unknown the night of Halloween. Amanda was away so I could stay in her room. I am not good at sleeping at other people's houses. I sort of just lie there for a little while, talk to Gina, and then call Kelly to come get me. Kelly and I may or may not still be drunk at 9 am when she and I decide to stop at some Asian market by my house. I am not sure why we are there or what we are purchasing. Kelly is trying to tell me how cool Asian food is. I keep insisting I want hash browns. A nice Asian lady rings us up. She hands Kelly her change. Kelly picks up the bag, waves, and goes "Gracias!" -Allegra calls me the day after Halloween. She has a real job so this throws me off. I pause and ask her, "Wait, is today a holiday?" -Allegra informs me she called into work and that it was not in fact a holiday. She then said, "I was like let me call someone who doesn't do anything….Sarah Morrison!" -Trevor inquires about my boy situations. I detail them and my frustration with each individually. I tell him I am done with all parties involved. I add, "I am going to focus on my career." -Now that I am "focusing on my career," I am trying to remember what exactly my plan was before I became a Los Angeles nightlife princess. As I reevaluate, I come to the conclusion that I want my own Top Shop line. -I do not really understand how people dress here. I do understand that it is very different from how I dress. I am shopping the other day on Walnut St. I am waiting for the light to change. Some dudes in a car yell, "Hey hottie where do you dance?" I roll my eyes, point to the curb I am standing on, grab my boobs, and answer, "Right here." -When American Apparel and I parted ways, a portion of the divorce settlement read that I would be able to keep my employee discount. I have been using it since. I go into an American Apparel here in Philadelphia. I am all set to be rung up. I inform the aspiring "Dora" at the register that I am an employee. She asks me which store I work at. I pause for a second and say the store I used to work at. I then watch her pick up a phone. She tells me they just have to call and verify that I work there. I start laughing, leave my purchases on the counter, and run out of the store. -I call Kelly from across the street. I tell her the story, which she enjoyed. She doesn't understand the part where I run out of the store, but nor do I really. (Kelly is aware that during this shopping venture I was supposed to purchase a shirt for a DJ gentleman friend of mine) She goes, "Did you get him the shirt?" Outraged I announce, "I bought his shirt at Urban. I did not like the way I was treated at American Apparel today. They just lost one customer!" Kelly laughing then informs me she walked into a wall. -Crystal calls trying to get me to join her in New York one night. I decline. She then informs me they are driving to New York (from Atlanta.) She sounds drunk. So I begin asking a few more questions. I get no coherent answers. I suggest, "You might want to stop drinking if you guys are going to drive 15 hours to New York right now. You are going to have to pee." She replies, "Ashley knows how to pee in a bottle." I nod. -Both Kelly and Bettie are away for the weekend. Allegra suggests I go out with her and her friends. Something happens and I get homesick. She calls and I am sort of crying. I announce, "I am not going to go out. I miss LA. I miss my friends and I keep crying." She tries to act normal. I add, "I'm probably getting my period. But if you want to continue being my friend you should know, I am always like this." -I have two separate conversations with Trevor this week on BMM that made no sense whatsoever. The first conversation, I felt like I was communicating really well, but he had no idea what I was saying. At some point he suggests, "Maybe I am not getting all of your messages. The second conversation he is trying to ask me something about booking Amanda Blank. I get lost somewhere when he brings up twelve other people that are completely unrelated to the situation. I keep asking questions for clarification. He clearly thinks he is making sense. I just give up and go, "Maybe I am not getting all of your messages." -I spend one afternoon watching some sort of marathon of that show Made on MTV. I don't really want to be "Made" into anything, but I really like that show. If you want to be "Made" into anything I could help with, let me know. I will be your Made coach! -Marky Mark (Mark Wahlberg-my soul mate) is here in Philly filming some movie. We are out the other night and some conversation about New Kids on the Block ensues. I logically bring up the Marky Mark thing. Homegirl gets excited. She adds, "I hope I run into him somewhere." I then add, "Run into him? I have the website where they list the locations for filming each day for the extras." I figured she would be impressed. She just found me creepy. -Myspace now allows you to have unlimited pictures. It also lets you upload hundreds at a time. I decide to take them up on this offer. I uploaded hundreds of not so great photos of me and my friends like Myspace asked. While uploading them, I paid little attention to what I was offering the internet. When it came time to label them, it got good. I forgot how funny my life actually is until I had to determine what was going on in half these pictures. My personal favorite is my current "default." This is the Brittany Moore wasted yelling "I made out with Mark the Cobrasnake night." Matt Colon involves me in this due to the fact she is muttering "Steve Aoki" from the floor of the LAX girls' bathroom. Somehow Mark and I end up in charge of keeping her alive. If you look at the photo, there is a tent where some homeless woman is living. She proceeds to spray Mark with Lysol to keep him away. I could type a story like this for every single one of these photos, but I won't. But, Will claims to have a video of this night. Write him and make him put it up. -Nicky has agreed to drive my brother's car back from Colorado with me. He is looking for details on the trip. I get sort of bitchy and tell him he doesn't have to come. He responds, "Sarah, you have a serious attitude problem right now. I will talk to you when it's over." It's not over yet.
Best Week Ever: October 26th "When you talk it's like listening to Six from Blossom on Speed." -I stay at some loft in NYC with Crystal and her crew. I wake up one of the last days there and walk into the livingroom. I begin to discus my period, or something similar. .Crystal just throws her hands up in the air and announces, "Everytime Sarah Morrison walks in a room, I feel like I am on a reality show." -We are checking Myspace. Gina has a new picture up of her and Anna (known to most as Uffie). I stare at the photo for a second. I show it to Jac then go, "Look at this pretty picture of Gina and Anna! They never look this pretty!" -I am standing outside the bus station in Philly, waiting for Kelly. I meet the homeless crew of the block. Some gentleman is talking to me. He asks me if I have a boyfriend. I tell him that I do. He inquires if said "boyfriend" is going to give me a massage when I return home. I shrug and inform new homeless friend that homeboy, "better." He goes, "If he doesn't, come back down here. I will get some baby oil and rub your feet down." I add, "Oh my god, I might come back." -I get back from CMJ, exhausted. Nicky writes me a text asking me where I am. I inform him that I am "hiding." He asks me from what. I inform him "New York." He goes, "Like the whole city?" I affirm, "Yes." -Naeem calls and asks if I will do his latest Spankrock video. I agree. Then I add, "I am going to ask that if all possible, I would like to roll around on the hood of a car in a metallic American Apparel bikini." He laughed, but then he said he would "try." -A while back, I decided I TOO wanted to be a white rapper. I was going to break into the "industry" with my "rap" cover of "Hey there Delilah" by the Plain White Ts. Donavon informs me that the little brother of one of the Gym Class Heroes already did this. I get pissed. I then announce, "Yeah, he probably reads my blogs." -Kelly calls me to go somewhere and do something. I attempt to decline, due to the fact it is raining. I then add that I bailed on Naeem the night before, so maybe I should I go out. She goes, "I was driving today. Naeem was walking in the rain. I pulled over and offered him a ride, but he said no." I start laughing and ask, "Were you like little boy would you like some candy?" Kelly responds, "Well yeah, who doesn't like candy!?!" -I post blogs on Trevor's site EatSkeet.com. After a wonderful post I wrote about some LA kid's crappy blog, our readers decided to "hate me out" over there. I say to Trevor the other night, "Uffie is to the Hollertronix board as Sarah Morrison is to EatSkeet.com " -I leave Gina a message telling her a wonderful story, I KNEW she would enjoy. She calls back past my bedtime and leaves this voicemail message, "When you talk it's like listening to Six from Blossom on Speed." Best Week Ever: October 19th "I thought Frankie Chan was my least favorite DJ of the day. I changed my mind it is Blake Miller!" -I write Best Week Ever last week. The first comment I receive is from DJ Mom. It reads, "So, that's why he calls me about the thingy on his chest! Both of you need to stop being paranoid. You forgot to mention that his Mom requested you to be her friend. Ha! LOL DJMom1 PS Next week may be even better since you lived!!!" It is really my best week ever because Diplo Wes' mom is my friend on Myspace AND she is reading my blog. -We have some sort of intense social gathering of Philadelphia's finest, Sunday night. The celebration which involved a full bar and really had no other purpose than entertaining ourselves on a random Sunday night before we all had to go to New York for CMJ. Naeem aka Spankrock and I spent a good deal of the evening sitting on the couch talking shit about people. Every time Naeem says anything to me from "I will call you back" to some actually scandalous story, he is convinced it will end up in my blog. This evening Naeem is fascinated by my outlook on throwing parties, useless people, and my new search for an east coast intern. He announces, "Can I be your intern?" He continues, "I think I will learn a lot. Several boys start shaking their heads in confusion, "Wait, Naeem is going to be Sarah's new intern?" I shrug, "He is going to learn a lot." -I am telling Kurt about the mouse that is still living in my apartment. He suggests I get a cat. I express that getting a cat with the sole purpose of having it kill a mouse is probably not the most favorable pet adoption tactic. (If you live in Philadelphia you know the city is full of feral cats that just wander around everywhere. If you don't live here, you now know this.) Kurt adds, "Just leave the door open and let those feral cats come in and eat the mouse." I nod my head in acknowledgement of his latest brilliant plan. -I am entertaining everyone with the story about the art school girl taking photos of me with my shorts half down coming out of the bathroom at the Khyber one night. The only other girl present begins to discuss the Philadelphia-Cobrasnake-esque dude. She has us acknowledge how often we see him out. She then reveals, "He lives in Delaware. He drives up here every night." I pause for a second, "That's another state, right? -Kurt and I are having a lovely conversation until I decide I want to discuss being 28 instead. I ask him if he has found any grey hairs yet. He admits to finding two or something. He then makes me answer the question. I go, "I found a colorless one once. It was more blonde than gray. Kurt starts laughing, and then tries to nod, "Yeah, I'm sure it was blonde. Most girls with black hair just get blonde ones sometimes." I roll my eyes. -One of the boys that had not yet met me was enjoying my presence. He goes, "Woah you don't wear bras. How come you don't wear bras?" I shrug, "It is sort of my thing." -I am supposed to be on my way to New York, but am not yet. I ask Nikki if I should take a bus or a train. She tells me a bus would probably be cheaper. I tell her, "That's makes sense. I was going to fly." -Nikki is asking me questions about my plans for CMJ. Her complicated line of questioning goes from what are you doing to where are you staying. I tell her, "I am just going to throw clothes in a bag and see what happens. I hate organization." -I am at some Vice party. Mark Hunter texts me asking me where I am. I am in the middle of writing back telling him, when I run into Ana. She is typing on her blackberry and goes, "I don't know where Mark is." I show her my phone. Then some girl I do not know at all wanders over holding up her BBM conversation with "The Cobrasnake" to show Ana. I start laughing. As we all begin to realize the ridiculousness of the situation, Mark comes up behind me. We all hold up our Blackberrys to him. Mark leans over to hug me. I say, "This probably actually happens to you more than I realize." -We head to Rebel to set up for our party sometime when it is still light out. They have me making gift bags. I am incessantly complaining. I suggest, "Why don't we just leave all these boxes out and just have people make their own gift bags? Crystal pretending to humor me goes, "Like a gift bag buffet?" I get excited, "Exactly." She walks away. -I continue complaining about the dumb tasks I am doing. I inquire if anyone has an intern that can do this stuff. I then suggest, "I will go post a Myspace bulletin. I guarantee I will have ten girls down here that will want to hang out with us and do this stuff for us." -No one lets me post my Myspace bulletin so I continue making gift bags and whining. I inquire if there is beer anywhere. No one helps me. I then announce, "I have never had a job I couldn't drink at." -I am on the phone with Nikki trying to explain why it is light out and I am at the club where our party is at 10:00pm. I tell her I have been making gift bags and hanging things up. I go, "I have never done anything like this." I explain how there was an amount of time set aside to make a dj line-up. I add, "I usually just have them all fight over it." I explain how I have been at the club since 3pm. I then add, "Seriously, it is a good night if Sarah Morrison shows up at the party she is throwing before 11pm." -I start panicking then I realize the party is 21 plus. Crystal is sort of ignoring me as I ask questions about sneaking in my underage girls. Nikki is with me when I have to go try to get Lauren Foust and her gang in. I go, "This is my first 21 plus party. I'm going to have to spend the evening trying to figure out how to get all my friends in." -Blue Jemz James and his lady friend Lax roll into our party Thursday night. Us ladies are in the bathroom chatting. She goes, "Did you hear who I am moving in with? Gina!" I try to be excited, but for some reason just start crying. As I cry and laugh at the same time and try to explain how I miss LA, I just scare everyone in the bathroom. Gina enjoys the story. (In my defense, I get my period the next morning.) - LastNightsParty's front man Bronques and I FINALLY meet each other one night this week. He took some pretty photos of me. We sat and chatted for a while apparently "on the record." He asked me questions like, "Not everyone loves Sarah Morrison huh?" and "Doesn't Trevor look like the guy from the Truth commercials?" It will probably appear on the internet shortly. -That girl Anne Lee rolls into my party with Ellei. I hug Ellei, then go to hug homegirl. She just turns her head pretending not to see me. The problem is, she is standing less than a foot away from me. Ellei tries to defend the girl as drunk or something. I try to call her a bitch, but she is too busy pretending to be invisible 8 inches away from me to notice. I shrug, "I will just call her out in my blog later." -The video interviews don't go as planned due to the fact the DJs were all very intoxicated. I am sure they will be entertaining for you guys to watch. They should be up on MixRevolution.com soon. I actually tried to watch some of the footage. The interview with Blake (Moving Units, Weird Science, drinking problem) hits a 15 minute mark and I still haven't asked him a single question. At some point I do announce into the microphone, "I thought Frankie Chan was my least favorite DJ of the day. I changed my mind it is Blake Miller!" -Star comes down to Philly for a photoshoot a couple weeks ago. I wanted to see her, but I had been so sick that I didn't meet up with her. I tell her how bad I feel and promise to hang out when i am feeling better up in NYC. She opts to text me, "I don't like the way you treat me." She then removes me from her top 8 on Myspace. For the finale, she does not return my phone calls when I am up in New York. So I replaced her in my top 8 with Tom. -The DJ interviews Thursday night were exhausting. Naeem/Spankrock agrees to do one before his show Friday night at the Fillmore. They won't let cameras in. It is raining. I have my period. I am tired. Then the door guys starts hassling me about my press pass. I just start crying and call him asshole and proceed to go sit on the sidewalk outside. As I storm off, I do begin to remember that 90 percent of the crowd of djs and indie press outside knows me. At the time, I really did not care. I get it back together and go in to the show. Donavon points to Ryan and goes, "He heard like three different people talking about how Sarah Morrison was crying outside." I start to laugh, "Only three? That's not that bad." -One of Crystal's roommates from Atlanta comes up to hang out. She is on the phone with one of her friends, yesterday afternoon. She goes, "I am in New York for some DJ fest." I start laughing, "Oh my god, I like that hanging out with us makes CMJ seems like a DJ fest!"
Best Week Ever: October 12th "I am officially "Dallas." I just dyed my hair blonde and just tried cheese." -We are driving around Philly. There is some Irish festival gong on. I turn to Bettie, "I've always wished I was Irish." She spits out her coffee on the dashboard. I continue, "No seriously, growing up in Boston and not being Irish Catholic sucks." She nods her head in understanding, "So you wish you had skin cancer and a drinking problem?" I shrug, "Whatever." -We are all out to eat one afternoon. I like eating. We all order our individual meals. I sort of encourage everyone to order and consume several appetizers and chocolate cake for dessert. Gina is splitting the bill up fairly evenly. I announce, "I should pay more." She doesn't understand why. I shrug, "They didn't want cake. I should pay more for the peer pressure." -Dora takes me off her Myspace top 8 within days of me leaving LA. We are on the phone the other night, and I bring it up. She tells me she has just been having a hard time lately. I go, "I seriously thought everyone in LA took me off the day I left. They were like "Yes Sarah's gone, free spot in my top 8 for my new best friend." -I am out in Philly one night. Some girl comes up to me at the bar and asks, "Are you who I think you are?" I simply shake my head, "No, I am not Posh spice." -Mallory writes me this week. She details her morning ritual of standing at the bus stop at 7am n Glendale, Starbucks in hand. She says she turns towards the bus stop and almost spills her coffee when she notices the entire bus stop in plastered with photos of me. I assume it's some horrible drunk disastrous picture and get nervous. She says, "No it was that cute one of you from Nylon." I am as confused as she is. -Reagan leaves LA around the same time I do. I move to Philadelphia. She moves to Dallas. We share our stories of LA girls trying to fit into normal places with one another on a fairly regular basis. This week she texts me, "I am officially "Dallas." I dyed my hair blonde and just tried cheese." -I have what I assume is a giant zit on the back of my leg. I am showing it to my friends to gross them out. The next day, I am bending over to get something, when Wes screams and grabs my leg. I look at it and my "zit" has a giant black circle around it. He is yelling that I am going to die. I shake my head, "Ok, then take me home. I would rather die there." -I go to the free clinic Friday for my spider/bug bite death thing on my leg. The free clinic is closed for meetings. A nurse comes out to talk to all of us waiting outside. She says they will be open Monday. She then asks us what is wrong. I show her and (everyone else standing outside) the thing on my leg. She starts waving her hands in the air, insisting I go to the ER. Then three other ladies standing outside are grabbing at me, looking at my leg, and talking to one another. One of the ladies goes, "Girl, you are going to die by Monday." Another chimes in, "You sure are." I stop, back away from the crowd, and announce, "Ok, I am gong to the Emergency Room. Just stop saying I am going to die." -I am waiting to be seen by a doctor at the Emergency Room. There is a girl next to me who had come in a few minutes before me. A boy our age rolls in 20 minutes after me. He is crazy sick, and looks miserable. Old person after old person comes in. They have wheel chairs or walkers. They have issues like their "eye hurts" or their elbow "looks weird." One old person after another keeps complaining to the attendant at the window. They are issued past us. After the third one or so, the miserable boy next to me starts laughing. I go, "We are going to die here for being young." (It is an infected spider bite and I survive.) -My mother calls me last night inquiring if I still want "a car." I affirm that I do. She tells me that if I buy a plane ticket and fly out to Denver, I can take my brother's 2004 Honda Accord from him and drive it back here. I become ecstatic, and start looking at flights. Today, I call my brother to inform him of the plan. Of course, he knows nothing of this. He proceeds to flip out. I start laughing hysterically and he hangs up. I continue to look at flights. -I have a dream last night that Nicky and I are getting married. I miss some of the details, but for some reason he leaves me at the alter. I text him today, to tell him. He replies, "I wouldn't do that. I would leave you after we had a couple of kids and a mortgage. I go, "Oh good, hopefully that will be my dream tonight." He adds, "You would look hot stressed out in a nightie with mad kids running around." -I will be in NYC all week for CMJ. I am doing video interviews with DJs and dance music-esque artists for Mixrevolution.com. Mixrevolution is a networking site for DJs and the like. So go sign up for a profile and check it out. If you are a DJ and want to be interviewed hit me up. I am asking all my DJ friends who are going to be around to do interviews with me. On the phone with Steve Aoki one night, he starts whining and tells me he hates interviews. I roll my eyes, "God Steve, I'm not going to ask you questions about your remixes." He waits for me to continue. I add, "It's going to be more like why are there dinosaurs on all of your sweatshirts." -This Thursday night October 18th at Rebel NYC is our Heist party. We have Deerhunter, LeCastlevania, Klever, Roxy, Lauren Flax, Frankie Chan, and a bunch of others. It is hosted by me and Crystal. It is going to be epic. Rsvp at myopenbar.com/deerhunter. See you bitches there. Best Week Ever: September 28th "I may not be a DJ, but I own a gun." -I am talking to Naima, who is in NYC. We are discussing how much we miss LA. I tell her I want a burrito. She goes on about how there is no Mexican food on the east coast. She adds, "They have LIKE Chipotle." I pause for a second, "Wait, that's that place in Glendale, right?" Naima replies, "Exactly." -There is a mouse in my apartment. I have no idea what to do. I enlist the help of a boy I know. His only solution is to sleep at his house. I decline. I inform him, "I am putting cheese outside my door and sleeping with my apartment door open. He replies, "Yeah that seems logical. The mouse leaves and someone comes in and kills you." -I was at a certain fashion brand for a business meeting, this week. They toured me around the building introducing me to everyone. The gentleman doing my introductions announces, "This s Sarah Morrison. She has Myspace and a Blog." -My tour guide at said meeting was showing me a bunch of photos "my friend Mark (thecobrasnake.com) Hunter" had done for them. I was looking over the board, when the gentleman turned to me and said, "Mark told you about the project he did with us right?" I tried to think. My brain was saying Mark probably did inform you about *said* project. So I simply stated, "Sometimes, I only half listen when people talk." -All awesomeness/hell breaks lose on the "internet" aka eatskeet.com, this week. After I say some scene kid's blog sucks. It quickly goes from a "who's who is the Hollywood club scene" to my "alleged sex-capades" and Gina's ability to DJ being injected into her via Dan's penis. It is a good read. We had to disable comments, due to the fact I was losing sleep because they were blowing up my blackberry. In case you missed it "the worst blog i have ever read." -We still need a headliner for our CMJ party Thursday October 16th. I decide to just ask everyone I know to do it and see what happens. I target Wes, early. He tells me he only wants to DJ things when there is something to promote. I go, "There is something to promote!" He looks at me waiting for more. I think for a second and remark, "We are promoting FUN!" He rolls his eyes. -There is a girl here in Philly named Allegra. She is a teacher, but doesn't seem to have a problem drinking 40s and talking shit. We are shaking our asses to some Spankrock at the Diplo show the other night. I lean over and tell her I want to ask her a question. She looks at me, waiting. I go, "Did it bum you out when that allergy medicine ruined your name?" She told me it "did." -After the "Diplo rave" Wednesday night, I end up somewhere in New Jersey at a lake with Wes and Sean Agnew. We go cliff jumping, swimming, and fall asleep on a raft. Wes says I almost die at one point, by falling off a cliff. Luckily the Vodka I consume prevents me from remembering that part. All is good and fun until we wake up on the raft in the middle of the lake, with no "land" in sight. I am freezing and may have the worst headache of my life. The boys start paddling so we can get to "shore." -For unknown some reason, we wake up in the car next to Wes' apartment that morning. He has a doctor's appointment. I go inside to sleep. He returns home. I try to wake up by continuing to lie there making business calls. I hear him on the phone as well, but am not really paying attention. He starts throwing t-shirts at me. He goes, "There are dudes coming over. You have to put something on. After they leave, you can go back to lying here, on the phone, in your underwear." -Some dude comes over to have some business meeting with Wes. Dude is hung-over and goes to the bathroom to puke for at least five minutes, during said meeting. I find the whole thing informal enough to decide me lying on the ground is appropriate. They discuss remixes, emails, and the like. I am not really paying attention until I am hit in the stomach with a pile of napkins and a pen. I quickly sit up. Wes goes, "Sarah, take notes." -My roommate from college gets married Saturday. My date "bails" last minute for some NYC Switch thing. I start to panic. Then I realize I can probably get Nicky to go with me. I call and tell him my date has a conflict and I NEED him to go with me. Like I assumed he would, he began a rant about how he doesn't want to be my second choice/back-up plan for everything. I am rolling my eyes and half listening to him when he announces, "I may not be a DJ, but I own a gun." -Lauren and Jason's wedding is at 4:30 in the Pocono's. It is supposed to be a little less than two hours away. I leave Philly at 2:30pm. I hit traffic to the point where I am still in Philadelphia and it is 3:45pm. I text Lauren to tell her, but will safely assume that my traffic issues are the least concern of a bride on her wedding day. I drive at least 90 mph the entire way. I impressively pull into the parking lot a little past 5pm. I run from the car towards the banquet hall with only my keys and Blackberry, in hand. I stop as I see some formally dressed people heading my way. I ask them if it is ok to go in, due to the fact I just arrived. They shrugged and informed me the wedding was over. So I run and find myself the last person in line to greet the bride and groom. The couple in front of me enjoyed my arrival. The wife told me, "We missed a wedding once. We were driving from Ohio to DC and hit traffic. It was my college roommates wedding and I still can't forgive myself." I simply nod, point towards Lauren, and announce, "And, that's my college roommate." -I spot Chris Ryan at the wedding, and get excited. Chris and I have known each other for a long time. We only run into one another every few years at weddings and chance meetings in random cities. I am glad to have him as my surrogate wedding date. Everyone is up and dancing to "Celebrate" and "Sweet Caroline." The two of us are sitting at an empty table picking at cake and gossiping. I turn to him and go, "I have never understood why people choose to stand, when they could just sit?" Chris Ryan looks around, nods, and goes, "Look at all these chairs." -My friend Bettie works at the airport. We are sitting around one night talking about nothing important. She had learned that day that Jane magazine had been given the ax. She seems sort of unnerved that this information came to her 2 months later. I change the subject and begin talking about CMJ. I am talking about my plans to go out and flyer the few days before the party. I go, "I haven't been in New York in a long time. Now that Misshapes is done, I don't know where the kids go." Bettie quickly shakes her head, waves her a hands a little, and goes, "Wait Jane magazine AND Misshapes are done? Where have I been?" I shrug, "The airport?" Best Week Ever: September 21st "This is like my version of that Tom Hanks's movie Castaway. Me without my Blackberry is pretty much me, on an island, with a volleyball." -Melissa informs me she has a really good idea for a reality show. She details, "So you put the Hogans and Dog the Bounty Hunter's family all in a big white trash house and see what happens." -I get a locksmith to come out and make a key for my car (due to it being lost amongst all the rest of my shit at my birthday party) The "locksmith" ends up being a 40 something Russian couple. He details his love of tantric sex in broken English to me as he removes pieces of my car door. He continues on about their open relationship and stripper pole in their living room. Together, they then encourage me to attend some swinger party they are having at their apartment on New Years Eve. I end up with their phone number, address, and me promising to come by on New years. -I lock myself out of my apartment one afternoon. I initially leave to walk to the market on the corner, for a second. I do not take anything but what I presume are my keys. Once I arrive home, I realize I have Bettie's keys and not mine. I do not have my Blackberry. The only three numbers I know by heart are Melissa's, my parent's, and Cinespace's. I realize I am sort of screwed. My only option is just to sit on the steps hoping one of the girls from upstairs comes home eventually. They do not. Luckily I am on the east coast, where people sit unemployed on their stoops drinking 40s all day. I meet the neighbors. The 84 year old woman across the street had some good stories that the gentleman of the neighborhood seemed to have heard a hundred times before. The teenage boys wanted to know about LA. Their burning question was "Who is hotter in real life Lohan or Hilary Duff." At some point, some gentleman I had yet to meet comes from around the corner and hands me a copy of Cosmo Girl. I look at him blankly and inquire where it came from. He shrugs, "I stole it out of the Beauty Shop's mailbox for you." I smiled, "I love Philly, already." -It gets dark and no one has returned to my building. Realizing I have Bettie's keys, I decide to walk over to her house. She is hungover from the night previous and staring at the television blankly. I arrive all agitated, begging for tools to break into my apartment with. She tells me to just relax and watch TV or "eat something." I try for a little while then announce, "This is like my version of that Tom Hanks's movie Castaway. Me without my Blackberry is pretty much me, on an island, with a volleyball." -I am sort of half asleep at 1pm one afternoon when the doorbell rings. I quickly get up realizing I made an appointment for the gas company to come and turn my gas on. I stumble out of bed and onto the street where I encounter a van and a gentleman with tools eyeing me in my tank top and bootie shorts. We realize that the basement is locked. So I begin furiously making phone calls, with no avail. He decides to wait ten minutes with me, to see if anyone calls back. Around minute three of him asking me about LA and the boyfriend I have made up so I do not have to give him my number, I tell him just to go. Upon leaving he asks, "Are you sure you are not single?" I go, "Just because I am waking up mid afternoon still wearing my makeup from last night, doesn't mean there's not some boy that loves me for it!" I wave bye, shut the door, and go back to sleep. -Nicky and I are in the car one day. He is trying to get me excited about my new residence. He goes, "Name the only city with a higher murder rate than Philadelphia?" I go, "Baltimore?" He shakes his head, "Wrong, Fallujah." -Taryn is sitting on the floor of my apartment one afternoon. She looks around, "I never noticed how many outlets there are in here." I look around realizing she is right. She adds, "There must have been some sort of phone sex ring in here before you moved in." I add, "I am going to use it for rows and rows of interns!" -I stumble upon an absolutely horrible blog, one afternoon this week. Actually, it is not remarkably horrible, just run of the mill LA scene kid horrible. It is written by a kid I know and see out. It uses the ever so popular Cory Kennedy "name drop name drop I ate a burrito name drop" format, she made famous. But, his name dropping and burrito eating seems unnecessary due to the fact he is just "some kid I see out." So I write a post on Trevor's site deeming it the worst blog of the year and link it. Then it gets good. The comments start rolling in. It's like a Los Angeles D-list blogroll. Some photographer kid I have asked 80 times to not take photos at my parties because he is not "the Cobrasnake," gets all nasty. Then Brittney Moore who I made infamous after her drunken scene with me and Mark Hunter chimes in. Lil Brit informs me my life of talking shit on the internet and going to parties with underage kids is lame. She thinks I should be "starting a family." Without much thought, I logically type, "They pay me to do all that. There isn't much money in baby making." -Naima calls today. I inform her I may be yelling because I can not hear out of one of my ears. I tell her I got sick and have been throwing up for the past 24 hours straight. I then tell her I have also had this cold for at least a week. I go, "I miss LA. I think I am suffering from culture shock." Best Week Ever: September 7th "You don't get Hepatitis from not washing your hands. You get Hepatitis from Tommy Lee." -I get my period in Canada. Therefore I purchase Canadian tampons. They were sort of extra large looking, but I went with it. We get back to Portland and I feel sort of sick. I get fevery and naceous. Brooke seems concerned. I sort of shrug, "I think I have Canadian Toxic Shock Syndrome." -I do not really go over so well in Portland Oregon. Brooke tries to explain that when I talk about my life I sort of overwhelm people. She tells me that some wakeboard boy we hung out with had remarked how he did not understand why I thought DJs and LA parties were so cool. I disagree entirely with my intervention. I tell her that everyone has their thing. I go, "I didn't bitch when he talked about wakeboarding. I don't complain when Bettie talks about the airport. People need to get over themselves." -We stop in Montana to stay the night with Ben, on our journey to the East Coast. We go out to dinner. Ben takes the lettuce off his hamburger. He holds it toward me and goes, "If you pour ranch on it, then it will be like eating salad." I oblige. -We are walking down the street in Missoula Montana. A cop car suddenly turns on its lights and siren. It then speeds past us. I point at the speeding car, "Superbad changed my whole view of that." Ben adds, "If they weren't just running lights because they could before, I am sure they saw that movie and were like, "Shit we can do that!" -We sleep in some dorm room sized apartment in Missoula, directly above a bar. It is so loud. I can not sleep. I try to wait it out, hoping once two rolls around the commotion will end. It does not end until 3:30am or so. We are packing up early, the following morning. I am bitching to Brooke about how I slept for two hours. I go, "You did not hear them looking for Meth?" She looks at me like I am kidding. I shake my head, "From 2am to 3:30am all I heard was "Who has Meth?" "Who wants to buy Meth?" "Want to go in on Meth with me?" Brooke is a very sound sleeper and legitimately admits to hearing none of this. I go, "There was a point where I almost yelled, "I will buy all of you Meth if you shut the fuck up!" -Brooke and I are discussing marriage and my basic fear of said institution in the car, somewhere in the middle of the country. She begins discussing the changing of the last name. I shake my head and wave my hands in the air. I go, "Even if I ever get married, there is no way I will ever change my last name." I pause for a second then announce, "Unless it is something really cool like McLovin." -I am driving and talking about a boy. Brooke looks over and announces, "I know you are getting all googly eyed taking about a (this is where I leave his name out), but we are about to run out of gas." I add, "If we had run out of gas, this would have made for a really good video blog." -I am freaking out as we drive across the country, due so some pending Wednesday night party in Philadelphia and an unorganized booked deal Friday evening in LA. I decide to cancel the Wednesday East Coast celebration, due to my level of panic. I go to Brooke, "I am not Paris fucking Hilton. I can't have a party Wednesday in Philly then fly to LA Thursday for another party." Brooke goes, "The only difference between you and Paris is that you fly standby on Southwest." I go, "She doesn't?" -I receive one of those "We are DJing at *said* LA party tonight at *said* hip LA location TEXT MESSAGES. One of my pet peeves is text messages that should be Myspace bulletins. I am reading the latest one out loud, in annoyance. I go, "I am just going to start writing back "Unsubscribe." -I see that Frankie Chan had called me one day, while I am driving somewhere in the middle of the country. I go to call him back. As it begins to ring, I turn to Brooke and go, "this is going to be good." I learn that Frankie is trying to throw some party the same night as my birthday in LA. He is having trouble doing so, due to the fact I have booked every DJ in the country not at fashion week for the event. He then tries to intimidate me with some sort of "special guest" he will not reveal the identity of. I roll my eyes then ask, "It's not Posh and Becks, right?" Frankie asks, "Who's that? -I am wandering around Zumiez at the Mall of America. Some confused teenage employee stops in front of me startled. He looks blankly at me then manages to mutter, "Your earrings are huge." I look left, then right sort of confused. I look back at him, smile, and go, "Thank you." -I have decided lately I am bored with my life and want to pursue other options/careers. I have decided I want to become a rapper. My first single is going to be a cover of "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's. -I am in Chicago. I am discussing my love for FXs Rescue Me over brunch. Jason does not like the show and I am not convincing him to change his mind. I get pissed and stop taking. Brooke tries to resolve the conflict. She says, "Sarah, tell Jason about how you learned how to get rid of your truck from this weeks Rescue Me." I join the conversation again, excited. I add, "I am going to get my truck towed then offer an employee at the tow lot cash for it!" -I am peeing in the bathroom at some rest area. I hear some woman and Brooke discussing what sounds like Hepatitis outside the bathroom door. When I reach the car, I ask Brooke to clarify the conversation. Apparently the woman was all worked up about some girl who left the bathroom without washing her hands. She was informing Brooke that the root of the spread of Hepatitis is people who fail to wash their hands I roll my eyes, "You don't get Hepatitis from not washing your hands. You get Hepatitis from Tommy Lee." -I am staring at the Starbucks menu with no idea of what I want. It's 10 pm so I don't really want a triple espresso. Brooke goes, "Get something decaf." I turn to her and go, "Thanks like ordering a non-alcoholic beer. The girl behind the counter looks at me like I am a prophet and announces, "That is soooooo true!" -I go to the mall in New Jersey with Bettie. She is getting a suit or something for a job interview. The game is to find something that covers all her tattoos. She is trying on suit pants. I suggest she wears a skirt. She says, "I have to cover my ankle tattoo. I shrug, "Wear one of those Lohan alcohol monitoring ankle bracelets to cover it up!" -I am in the bathroom at the Khyber, I start to walk out of the stall with my shorts totally unbuttoned and bam some flash goes off. I yell some obsenities at the girl with the camera. She then tries to explain to me this is her dumb art school project. I think it's stupid and my facial expression is communicating that. I finally go, "Good luck Cobrasnaking people in the bathroom!" She has no idea what I am talking about. I pat her on the shoulder and walk out. -I am having trouble dressing myself outside of Los Angeles. People keep saying I can't wear bootie shorts. I have to wear a bra. The list goes on. I compromise on my birthday. I wear actual shorts. I wear a white tank top with no bra. I did all right n the bar. The boys said I looked cute. Then Wes took us for pizza after. I am at the counter and every boy working is staring at me. I turn to Wes and thank him for my pizza. Then the gentleman at the register goes, "We want to thank you." I go, "Oh, for my boob?" He nods awkwardly. I smile, "It's my birthday. It is my present to you." -We are outside eating our pizza. Wes goes inside to get something. He comes out and announces, "They all still talking about Sarah's boobs." -I am relaying a conversation I had with a party photographer regarding my birthday extravaganza to Gina one day, on the phone. Basically, he thought he was a big fucking deal and according to me he isn't. I am giving Gina the play by play of what I said to him. She seemed to think I was retelling the story in my own words. After I stop, she asks, "What did you really say to him?" I go, "That." She laughs sort of awkwardly scared. I go, "Oh my god I am turning into the female Steve Aoki." -I go over to Amanda Blank's to try and get my ass into one of her dresses. She inquires about why I left LA exactly. I tell her how I quit Cinespace. Then I was just doing random events here and there. I was sort of over it so I would show up really wasted or end up really wasted by the end of the evening. I would wake up hungover and read about it in a blog somewhere. I go, "I got a little too Amy Winehouse/Lily Allen." Amanda shakes her head, "Exhaustion." I nod, "Exactly." -My birthday party was fun. Thanks to everyone that came. Thanks to all the DJS that played. Thanks to Cinespace. Thanks to my mom for giving birth to me. Check out photos on kidpaprazzi.com and willteeyang.com. Ron didn't come so I am mad at thecobrasnake.com. So don't look at those photos ever again. -I am sure most have heard by now that my change purse thing I roll with, with my ID, credit cards, cash, and apartment and car keys got stolen Friday night at the party. This minor detail left me stranded in LA for the weekend. I go stay at Dan's. Gina wants me to go to LAX with her Sunday night. I tell her no one is going to be there because everyone's in Vegas at the Justice show. She rolls her eyes, "I have seen Justice a billion times." I remind her of the shows line-up. I then add, "But you have never seen Frankie Chan!" -Gina and I encounter a bunch of drama related to Neighborhood festival. This results in us returning to our arrangement of me being her manager to get the booking solidified. So, I really like this boy. He is not making a move and I don't know what to do. So I suggest to Gina that she be "my manager." I add, "You have to write to him trying to book him for a date to make out with me." She agrees. I give Gina his AIM screen name. -Get siked for for CMJ kiddos. Our party Thursday night is going to be off the hook. Stay tuned for more details on that. I hate saying "Off the hook." But, damn it's been a while since I've been in NYC. See you there. -You miss our road trip videos? They are up on Youtube! Go check them out! I heart the Mall of America.
Best Week Ever: August 24th "I do not think when my mom was pushing me out of her vagina she was like wait stop its New York fashion week!" -I love cheap grocery store check-out celebrity gossip magazines. I stock up on a bunch, one evening. I start flipping through "In Touch Weekly." I encounter a few photos of Rihanna having lunch somewhere in West Hollywood, in a Cobrasnake/Ed Banger shirt. My jaw drops and I just stare at the photos, baffled. I eventually am able to speak and beckon Brooke over to see. Even not from LA, Brooke is impressed. She goes, "Text Mark!"Somehow my first reaction goes, "No, he will never give any of "us" free shirts again!" -Brooke and I are discussing things the dollar store sells that you refuse to purchase; due to the fact they should cost more than a dollar. I inform her that the dollar store in LA sells both pregnancy tests and condoms. Brooke shrugs, "Dollar store condoms probably increase the sale of dollar store pregnancy tests." -I am trying to find my birthday party dress. I am not going to tell you exactly what it looks like because I don't want anyone else to show up to my party in anything similar. Ok so, I am not a big EBay user, but as most know my best friend Melissa is pretty much the queen of EBay. I begin trying to search for my dream dress, using the site. I find myself distracted by the harem of EBay people ripping off Melissa's Mama Stone Vintage empire. The dress finding task gets lost after a minute or so. I become fascinated by people selling vintage clothing in front of what looked like our garage. I lose it when I find dresses described using adjectives Melissa has made up while high. Melissa has mentioned this phenomenon to me, many times. I really never understood the scope of it until I saw someone else use the term "ruffle puff." I call Melissa to detail my experience. She goes, "I found this really sparkly dress. I stared at it and stared at it. I couldn't come up with an adjective to describe it. For some reason I just typed, "Glitterama." I then hear her typing. She tells me to check my email. I open it up and find the link to some other Melissa-esque EBay store. Homegirl is selling some cheap horrible looking sparkly dress. She describes it as "Glitterama." Unprepared, I projectile spit coffee on my Blackberry screen. -I am in Portland, Oregon. Oregon is a large state that smells sort of strange with freeway exits every 30 miles. Women still wear scrunchies and fluorescent nylon tracksuits. Once in Portland, you are very close to the Washington state border. Washington is not much different. You pass by pick up trucks with gun racks and early 1990s Civic Hatchbacks driven by toothless white dudes. The whole thing is sort of unnerving. I have lived in the crappiest neighborhoods of many of our US cities and never felt unsafe. Yet, I have driven through New Hampshire at 2am, wondering if I would live. I am admiring the scenery as Brooke and I cross into Washington State from Oregon, one afternoon. I turn to her and go, "Washington and Oregon are just giant versions of New Hampshire and Vermont." -I drive with Brooke to some lake in Washington State to watch a bunch of teenage boys wakeboard. The teenage boys are all looking at me like I am an alien. One of them turns to Brooke, "Your friend's outfit in interesting." She replies, "She is from LA." He shakes his head and goes, "Oh ok." -When people ask me where I am from, I always tell them I am from Boston. Now that I am not in LA, I have finally come to terms with the fact I am now from LA. It seems to be the only explanation that makes me make any sense to the world, outside of the 101. I am discussing this fact with Brooke in the car one afternoon. I go, "What do you think people on the east coast dress like?" Maybe I should start looking at Last Night's Party photos to find out." -I go sell the rest of my clothing at some resale place in Portland. I am having trouble as some girl asks me what season each Marc Jacobs item is from. I start whining and documenting where I wore each item of clothing to, as the girl prices things out. Brooke goes, "You know you do not have to sell every item of clothing you have been photographed in." I look at her confused. She adds, "There is no Cobrasnake in Philly." -I love Amanda Blank. Due to the fact her level of celebrity is equivalent to mine, I don't feel that weird writing her insisting she be my friend when I move to Philly. She seems siked on it. Then she never returns my last Myspace message. I worry she got creeped out about my blog entry entitled "I am a Stalker: Amanda Blank." Those that know me, know I am kidding. Maybe she didn't. Whatever, me and Amanda exchange a few lengthy Myspace messages. She alerts me to the fact that Heidi and Spencer from the Hills have a song where Heidi sings and Spencer raps. She then adds, "It makes me embarrassed to be white." -I inform the Waffles and Falafels brigade I am coming to Vancouver. Waffles asks me what I want to do and see. I remind him that I am "big in Canada." I then request, "Try to get me an autograph signing at the mall." -A boy I know reads my AIM away message alerting the internet I am in Canada. He inquires why exactly. I reply, "I want to learn how to fluently speak in Canadian." -My DJ friend Wes has another DJ friend in Vancouver. Wes suggests I go and hang out with him. His name is Paul and he seems to enjoy me, as well. He lets me pick 4 songs to play at the after party. I choose Rihanna's "Umbrella," the Outhere Brothers "Boom Boom Boom," Lil Mama and Avril's "Girlfriend Remix," and L'Trimm "Cars that go Boom." He seems excited as I list my choices, until I get to L'trimm. He looks at me disappointed. He then shakes his head, "No." He does give me another chance. I pick Spankrock instead. I dance around to "Bump," and then announce, "I want to be Amanda Blank when I grow up!" I then add, "Don't tell her I said that." -Waffles and I are rolling down the streets of Vancouver. We encounter a few members of the Waffles harem of underage Canadian girls. Brittany and Lovisa join our hungover party train. We seem to be attracting a lot of homeless people. Brittany claims she saw one of Vancouver's well known homeless dudes on a date with a well known homeless lady, one evening. The Vancouver gang gets into this juicy gossip. We then all somehow come up with the best reality show idea ever, to date. It is sort of like MTV's Next, but with homeless people. We are still working out the details when Brittany exclaims, "Let's call it "Who Wants to Date my Bum?" -My birthday party is rapidly approaching. Due to the fact, I have a vision of my dream dress and a goal to lose ten pounds I feel a tad overwhelmed with the two tasks at hand. I turn to Brittany and go, "I am going to have to drop everything and just focus on these two things. Brittany adds, "Drop everything…like eating!" -I have this image of what my birthday party dress is going to look like. It is very 1990s Supermodel. It is something Cindy Crawford modeled circa 1991. I am combing stores vintage and designer looking for it. Lovisa suggests I write Cindy a letter asking if I can borrow said dress from her. She has a feeling Cindy Crawford probably doesn't get a lot of fan mail, at this point and it might work out. Brittany rolls her eyes and goes, "Then write to Christy Turlington asking if you can borrow that sheet she wore in George Michael's Freedom video. -One of my favorite songs is the Outhere Brothers "Boom Boom Boom (Let me hear you say Way-ooh.) I am shopping, sort of hungover in Vancouver. Finding my friends in stores seems hard. Yet, sort of yelling/singing "Boom Boom Boom Let Me Hear You Say Way-ohh" is easy. Without direction or acknowledgment of this being an activity, I suddenly I hear Lovisa and Brittany from different places reply, "Way-ooh." Brittany then adds, "This is fun! It is almost like Marco Polo!" -We are sort of packing up, to return to America. My new friends Brittany and Lovisa are sitting on the couch. I look at them, then up at Keith and go, "I like underage Canadian girls so much better than underage American girls." Brittany quickly adds, "Yeah, because underage American girls are like 20. Underage Canadian girls are 17 and still in high school!" -We are getting ready to leave Vancouver. Similar to every time I am supposed to leave anywhere, I have decided I do not want to go. I am avoiding eye contact with Brooke. I am instead letting my teenage friends read magazine interviews I have done out loud to me, in lieu of packing. Lovisa is turning pages looking for my next quote. She gets distracted by some ad and says, "Is this girl a plus size model? I can't tell. Her thighs are huge." I am throwing my belongings in a trash bag and remark, "If I keep eating at this pace I am going to be a plus size model very soon." Keith sounds optimistic and remarks, "Plus size model! That could be the next Sarah Morrison career move." I roll my eyes and shake my head, "There is already some plus sized model in the UK named Sarah Morrison." I then add, "If I don't lose ten pounds, I am totally screwed." I then add, "I need to stop Googling my name." -I have horrible luck in general. Most are aware of this fact. Brooke seems very nervous as we approach the Canadian border. We make it through fine. I am really tired on the way back. As we approach the border, Brooke starts questioning me again. I tell her I am changing my story this round. Half asleep, I inform her to tell customs I am a figure skater. She and the boy in the front seat get their stories straight. Sort of asleep, I hear Brooke say something about the fact they have America's third greatest figure skater in the back seat. I mumble, "Yeah, Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding are better than me." -My West Coast birthday party aka "Sarah Morrison's 1st Annual Super Sweet 16" is going to be amazing. It is Friday September 7th at Cinespace, so save the date. I call Rony tonight to see if he can show up with the Rony's Photo Booth extravaganza. He informs me that he will be in NYC. He then goes, "That's New York Fashion Week. You are the worst party planner ever." I quickly reply, "It is my fucking birthday. I do not think when my mom was pushing me out of her vagina she was like wait stop its New York fashion week!" Best Week Ever: August 17th "Our sites are going to lose a lot of traffic without photos of Sarah Morrison. " -The last event I am enlisted to do in LA is Scarlet's night at Beauty Bar. I arrive remarkably close to on time. Scarlet seems impressed. She tells me she is exhausted. She offers me a drink. I get a Rockstar and Vodka. She debates getting one too. I shrug, "It's like cocaine in a glass." -I go to LAX, Sunday night under the pretense it is my last night out in LA before I depart. Everyone seems intent on having some sort of heart to heart with me, now that they know I am leaving. Girls who glared at me from afar for the past year or more hugged me and told me they loved my outfit. Boys I made out with long long ago and avoided me accordingly as my celebrity increased, kissed me on the cheek telling me LA wouldn't be the same without me. All this, got a bit much for a girl trying to leave this shit. I saw a booth that would seat 8 with one dude there. I asked him if he minded I sit. He shook his head, no. After a good deal of awkward silence, I threw a bunch of conversation starters towards the gentleman. I learned he doesn't go out until after the HBO line-up ends. He detailed the mediocrity of John from Cincinnati. We discussed HBO past and present for a length of time. Then, I brought up Rescue Me. We discussed that for beyond at length. He seemed strangely impressed by my interest in the series. He told me he had never met a girl that appreciated the show. Our conversation logically transitioned into a conversation involving transporting drugs on airplanes. We some how got into a discussion on how males transport drugs without vaginas. After the 12th text message and a realization it had become 1:35am, I told my new friend Jason I had to go. He gave me a hug. I said, "The first time you meet a girl do you usually discuss smuggling drugs and Rescue Me?" He laughed. He then shook his head, "Usually just smuggling drugs." -I am supposed to leave LA Tuesday, but I freak out. I opt to watch TV instead of packing. Brooke calls to inquire how the "move" is going. I start crying and tell her I have chosen not to leave. She tries not to laugh, while reminding me my choice is not really an option. I add, "I miss Whitey (my kitten who peed on all my clothes and ruined my life.)" She informs me I do not. I add, "I am going to get drunk one night and call that girl asking if I can have my cat back." -I am looking at TheCobrasnake.com, one night this week. I have never had any desire to own one of Mark's dumb t-shirts, until Mark's dumb t-shirts appeared in tank top form this week. I call him to inform him I need one. He tells me the Mediums are gone and he only has Larges left. Staring at the computer screen I feel defeated. I then look harder at the image in front of me and perk up, "Wait, what size is your Grandfather wearing in this picture?" Mark starts laughing. Rony yells, "Sarah Morrison just said that?" I shrug. I guess I was on speakerphone. -Mark agrees to send me a large tank top that would never fit me. I am still on speakerphone. He goes, "Both Rony and me are going to miss you. Our sites are going to lose a lot of traffic without photos of Sarah Morrison. I smile, "I know boys." -A certain well known DJ has developed an affinity for trying to have "cyber sex" and/or real sex with me by attempting to allure me via AIM. Said boy signs off one night and I feel relieved. Then this boy i know, signs on. Sometimes when drunk, this boy may say things sort of similar to DJ (listed above.) The two of us have plans to go to my college roommate's wedding, in September. He types, "What are you wearing?" I inform him that "said DJ" into cybersex just signed off. This boy types, "...to the wedding." Before i have time to respond, he quickly types, "Slut." -I end up leaving LA at like 9:30pm to drive to Portland. The drive was going fine until 7am or so, the following morning. I get really tired and decide to stop in some sort of Oregon town with roads and some sort of mini mall. I go to get gas at the local gas station, to bide time before their Target opens at 8am. I pull up to the pump and get out. I am instantly greeted by a gas station attendant. I sort of jump when I hear him behind me. I look at him and ask if there is self service. He replies, "You are from California, right?" I nod and ask him how he knew. He looks in the door of my car and points, "There are dollar bills all over the floor and you handed me a credit card." I nodded and shrugged. -My gas station attendant friend is pumping my gas. As I get out of my truck in a pair of bootie shorts, a Foxy Brown shirt, and a pair of bamboo hoops that read "Angel," something happens. He calls me "baby." Within milliseconds, he freaks out. I didn't notice. He apologizes uncontrollably and starts "over calling" me ma'am. I start to get uncomfortable with the whole Ma'am thing. The gas appears to be done. He starts to shake my hand wishing me the best on the rest of my trip. I smiled and said, "'I liked it better when you called me baby." -OMFG Sarah Morrison's Super Sweet Sixteen (2) is at Cinespace Friday September 7th. Confirmed DJs: Keith 2.0 Wilson (Moscow,) Dirty Dave (Blow Up LA,) Young Americans (Hush Hush), Royal Rumble (Hush Hush), Scarlett (Hang the DJs), Louisah (a bunch of shit), Gina Turner (unless she goes to Incubus), Stuart (gives me checks from Cinespace) AND MORE! Line-up will get crazier as we get closer. FREE with presents for Sarah! 5$ with out shit.
Best Week Ever: August 10th "What if I had been pregnant, given birth to a baby, and then just decided to post a Myspace bulletin to give it away?" -I run into Max the other night. I met Max a while back. He was cute and charming. We talked and kissed one night. He called me and wanted to hang out. I knew he didn't know about "the internet" yet. So, I waited and sort of avoided him, until he inevitably found out. Eventually, one of his friends directed him my way. As I assumed, that was sort of it. I saw him the other night and hadn't seen him in a while. He sat down next to me and said, "I liked you so much more before the internet." I nodded, "Me too." -I am moving to the east coast. In the best interest of my new kitten Whitey, I chose to find him a good home instead of forcing him to road trip across the country with Brooke, me, and a pick-up truck. The night before Jess came to adopt the kitten, Melissa had a talk with Whitey. She goes, "You are going to get adopted tomorrow. You are going to go live with your new mom Angelina, your new brother Maddox, and your new sister Suri Cruise." -I am moving. Moving involves packing and cleaning. I hate both of these things. Melissa is here this week. Due to my lack of motivation and approaching move out date, she decided to help. I am watching VH1 as I hear her yell, "I am taking the trash out and cleaning the bathroom." I tell her thanks. She comes into my room and informs me, "I am throwing the entire trash can away. You are not taking it with you. So now if you have trash put it in this trash bag. Or, just keep throwing it on the floor here next to your bed!" I smile and nod. -I am telling Stuart about giving away the kitten. I am trying to make him say I am not a bad person for giving away my cat. He is half listening and sort of patting me on the back, to comfort me. I finally go, "I just gave away a kitten." He is telling me it is not a big deal. I add, "What if I had been pregnant, given birth to a baby, and then just decided to post a Myspace bulletin to give it away?" He shakes his head and tries to tell me it is not the same. I add, "Myspace bulletin." -Melissa and I sell at the Rosebowl Flea Market in Pasadena, Sunday. We are up at 5am and out the door by 5:30am, Sunday morning. We stop at 7-11 on the way to the freeway. I am still half asleep and feel slightly nauseous as I wander around trying to buy junk food for the day ahead. I am staring at a row of chips and soda. I suddenly turn to Melissa and announce, "I don't think I am going to go out tonight." Melissa also still half asleep looks at me blankly for a second, trying to decide what to say. I add, "Oh my god. I just said that before 6am." She nods, "Well, we can order takeout then!" -David is selling with us at the Rosebowl. I learn quickly that he is apparently sober, now. He is not drinking, doing drugs, or smoking cigarettes. He apparently has been sober for almost 90 days. He is asking me about why I am moving out of LA. I try to explain, "I have to get out of here. I just need to do something else for a while. I love LA too much to not come back." David starts laughing, "Sounds like my sobriety plan!" -A girl comes by our spot at the Rosebowl. She buys a bunch of stuff. I am bagging it for her. She explains how she does not do Ebay. She is so glad we did the Rosebowl again. She then adds, "Thank you guys for existing." I look at Melissa, who is sitting in the car trying to prevent heat stroke. I look back at the girl and go, "Well, you are welcome!" -My Blackberry stops charging late week. I have to take it to some cell phone fixing place on Melrose. It ends up ready to be picked up Sunday, early evening. I am parking on Melrose and shutting the door to my car, when I am approached by a pack of what I assume are teenage boys. We make some conversation. They ask how old I am. They do not believe I am 27. They all announce their own ages being between 20 and 23, which I do not buy. They then try to give me their phone numbers. I explain that I do not have my Blackberry. I tell them that I am about to pick it up from being fixed, at this very moment. They don't believe my story. I throw my hands up in the air and announce, "Normally I would lie to you guys and tell you I don't have my phone. This is the first time I am telling the truth." I then turned around, and walked away. -Travis, a former busboy at Cinespace calls me the other day. He informs me is going to be on reality dating show on MTV. He sort of explains the premise as something about him going on a date with a girl. Then his friends and her friends interact in some sort of trailer I presume, deciding the verdict of said date. He then informs me that he has decided his friends are going to be Jason Stewart, Stuart, and myself. I ask him why us, exactly. He goes, "You guys would be funnier than my real friends." -I leave LA probably Wednesday, at this point. I am driving up to Portland. When Brooke and I feel road trip ready, we are off across the country in my truck with all of my clothes and some shoes. Stay tuned. This has to be good. -My birthday party is a little unorganized, like myself. It is September 6th. Its location is Los Angeles. Its exact location will be determined by the end of the week, promise. Thanks to all the 3 billion DJs enlisted to do it. It's going to be really fun. Make sure to save the date, kiddos. And, make sure to bring presents!
Best Week Ever: July 13th " I live in a first floor apartment. We never open the blinds." -My yard sale was fun. Thanks to everyone that came. I did have a family emergency early afternoon. If you came and I was inside and did not get a chance to talk to you, I am really sorry. I hope everyone got a lot of stuff. I think we are going to do one more sale. Stay tuned! Maybe I will get up a half hour earlier and hang things up! Maybe not, but we already have new stuff. Yay?!? -Dim Mak records coerced me to show up VERY last minute to some Hot Hot Heat video shoot. On the phone, it seemed an almost emergency that I get there. I arrive super late, but I arrive. I am sitting outside waiting for my role to be determined. I can not find Tick or Ana who forced me to do this. I end up lost and am sort of corralled into some dumb line, where I am supposed to pretend I am siked to get in to see the band. I keep trying to take off, some casting guy keeps telling me to stay. There is some Cory Kennedy-esque girl next to me. She is reading a book one minute, doing handstands the next, and then insisting she needs to get a hot dog. There is dumb dude near her that loves Hot Hot Heat and is a member of their Myspace fan club. He babbles on about his rough drive from San Diego. He asks "Cory Kennedy-esque girl" where she came from. She tells him "Topanga." He inquires, "Kansas?" Confused homegirl, shrugs. I shake my head and inform both of them, "Topanga is near Malibu." -My ten minutes of not being able to find Ana or Tick seem like 10 billion minutes. There are some girls behind us in this weird dumb line. I hear them meeting dumber boys. They ask one another what they do for a living. They ramble on about dumb retail shit in the valley, while I sit on the ground trying to figure out where the fuck Luke, Ana, or Tick are. I sort of hear the boys mention the dumb state schools they went to for a semester or two. The boys inquire if the cheaply dressed push-up bra girls went to school in the area. One looks at the other, the designated spokes-girl announces, "We don't believe in formal education." The other one giggles and nods. I pick up my bag, blackberry, and inform the dude who is making me "act like I am in line" that I am leaving. Tick and Ana find me a roll inside that involves me drinking. It is a much better match. -We are still at the Echo Plex doing this video shoot, when 1 AM rolls around. Luckily, I have acquired a roll with booze. I do ask Ana, "Doesn't Frankie Chan have a night here tonight?" She responds, "I thought so." -Gina calls me today inquiring if I will go to the Incubus show with her September 7th. I remind her than September 6th is my birthday. That means there will be a sort of gigantic super-sweet-sixteen-esque extravaganza, just without the fancy car and me calling my mom a "bitch." She is going on and on about her love for Incubus. I am nodding. Then I agree, "I will go if you to the Spice Girls reunion show in December." I thought my ultimatum beat hers by a billion, but she seemed bummed. I was so confused. I added, "Even Posh is going to be there!" She told me she had to go then added, "Think about Incubus." -I encounter Mark handing out flyers for his 12th yard sale of the month. Once he hands me one I ask, "What are you selling? The stuff no one bought the first time?" He turns to me and remarks, "My yard sale is going to be better than yours." I am still looking at him confused (as he passes out more flyers.) He then yells, "Cobrasnake Yard Sale tomorrow! Sarah Morrison t-shirts 50 cents!" I roll my eyes and start to walk away. Then he yells, "Sarah can you give me a ride home?" -I do acknowledge that I seemed into the idea of "4th of July," on the 3rd of July. I woke up sort of late, sort of tired, and sort of already over it. Chanelle texts me. It is 6pm or so. She tries to invite me to a Barbeque. I decline. I go, "I am sort of over the 4th of July. I like Christmas better." She replies, "Ok Sarah, I will make sure to invite you to my Christmas Barbeque instead." -I do make it out Tuesday, later than I planned. It is really hot inside. I EASILY coerce Kelly into going for a walk with me, to get cigarettes. We accidentally end up at Beauty Bar, and she seems ok with it. Beauty Bar it even hotter and full of weirder looking dudes, who seem a little more desperate. I suggest to Kelly that we walk back to Cinespace. On the way, I run into a model girl I know, 3 djs, a few door dudes, and one dude who yelled my name out of a car. I turn to Kelly, "I wish I was as popular on other streets as I am on Hollywood Blvd." -I have some sort of generic "Blackberry ringtone" and opt to trade up. I put 20 percent of my attention into finding a new ringtone via my phone's "browser." I scroll through uber hits of the moments, classic oldies, and similar. I get to a link called "Songs everyone knows." I click on it. There before me appears a list of songs that I would classify as "most people over the age of 25 SHOULD know." I scrolled through a list of songs that "no one knows" unless they like me, peaked in 1993. I selected En Vogue's totally missed classic "Free your Mind." I get excited every time my phone rings. Some pretend to recognize it. Others actually sit through me playing it, singing it out loud, doing a runway walk, and yelling "Funky Divas." They then admit, they have no idea what it is. -I corralled the "who's who of who Sarah knows" to head down to this Microsoft Zune BBQ today. I was late getting down there, like usual. I arrive and find Trevor and his new girlfriend. Donovan has been there since the start because he has a work ethic. Dan rolls in with his entourage. I attempt to try to introduce each circle to one another. I point, describe jobs, point, describe pastimes, point, and then just start laughing. Trevor decides to describe me. I listen, as he in more words than this says "Sarah write blogs and throw parties." Trevor goes, "I read Sarah Morrison's blog every week. Actually, before I read it I hit Control F "Trevor." If my name comes up, I don't read it." -Hush Hush is Friday…TOMORROW. It will be fun, like always. Since Cinespace booted us, are locations are getting creative. Tomorrow FRIDAY July 13th @ Senor Fish (422 East 1st St 90012) It is still 18+ and 5 dollars. So bring money. I do the door and bitching about paying 5 dollars pisses me off. -Things have been tough lately. This town is strange. I meet people. I think they are my friends then they sell my stories to Teen Vogue Messageboards. They make up there own versions of my reality and the attention is theirs. I can only blame myself for letting in people that will sell my secrets or create secrets that do not exist. I have never heard a single rumor about myself that was even sort of true. If you have a question about me or my personal life, please ask. I have nothing to hide. -I am off to Philly/Baltimore, Saturday. If you are there, let's hang out. I guess I am "city shopping." I am considering moving back to the east coast. I just don't know if NYC is for me. I live in a first floor apartment. We never open the blinds. I think I need to open my blinds. Hopefully, I will remember to do so before I leave the airport, Best Week Ever: June 29th " You don't need an instrument when you play the snowboard." -My box of t-shirts arrive at cinespace, just in time for my yard sale NEXT weekend. So, I go down to pick them up. I am going through the box seeing if any of the shirts are actually big enough to fit any of my former male coworkers. I find one that I deem the largest of the girls' mediums and hand it to Stuart. He starts shaking his head. I go, "You should wear it around cinespace to remember me." He looks at the shirt, at me smiling, then shakes his head, "No." -Stuart and I have not seen one another in a while. Our days of spending hours on end with one another in a bathroom sized office have become brief encounters once a week, if so. So we decide to catch up. He is telling me that he has figured out how to make it work with girls. He goes, "You don't ask questions." He then nods confidently. I, a little confused ask, "What kind of questions? Like what time is it?" He shakes his head, "More like do you want to hang out?" I am still confused. Then he started quoting T.I. and told me not to tell anyone. -Cory my former manager overhears me complaining that I weigh 140 pounds. He starts laughing and announces there is no way I weigh that much. I tell him my scale says I do. He adds, "Unless someone planted a giant metal rod in you, you do not weight 140 pounds." I suggest maybe aliens did so while I was sleeping. He goes, "What's the word for that?" I shrug, "An anal probe?" He nods his head, "Yeah, not exactly what I was thinking of." -I am late to everything. I end up really late to the Lady Sovereign thing, Friday night. Trevor Andrew a former pro snowboarder (footnote: He may still snowboard. I don't pay attention to snowboarding anymore.) is in a band and is set to open for her at the Avalon. I am so late I miss the whole Trevor thing, which was the reason I was attending entirely. I finally get there. I find Donovan. I begin to ask him 300 or so questions about the spectacle I had sadly missed. I ask, "Did he play an instrument?" Donovan shakes his head, "You don't need an instrument when you play the snowboard." -I go meet Gina and Kelly and whoever at some party in Silverlake, one night. I have to pee really badly, so I head straight to the bathroom. When I go to open the door to exit the bathroom, the handle just spins. I keep trying and realize I can not get out. Not sure who exactly is at the party, I am unclear what to do. I sort of give up and decide to sit on the bathroom flooor and wait. I hear people outside the door. I hear what I am 40 percent sure is Grace's voice. I yell her name, but that does not work. I opt to call her and hope I am right. I tell her I am locked in the bathroom at a party i think she may be at. This confuses her due to the fact she has not seen me all night. She bangs on the door, then yells, "I am coming in!" I get up off the bathroom floor and happily exit the restroom. We walk out in to the living room and Grace yells, "I just saved Sarah Morrison's life!" Zane is sitting on one of the couches and goes, "I didn't even know Sarah was here." Grace announces, "She is! She was just trapped in the bathroom." -Everyone is drunk at the party. I am not. We are sitting outside. Zane, a boy I know from Boston gets up to go inside. I yell, "I will give you a dollar if you can find me some sort of alcohol to drink." He yells back, "Three dollars." I roll my eyes and tell him to forget it. Frankie interjects, "You should do it. That's cheaper than at a bar." -My internet gets turned off. I call to see if Time Warner wants to turn it back on without me actually paying them. I tell my customer service representative, "I work from home. If you turn my wireless back on, I can make money. Then I can pay you!" He inquires when exactly I plan on paying them. I suggest next Friday. He tells me my wireless should be back on and working fine. He adds, "Usually people ask to pay 2 or 3 months down the road." Excited I go, "Oh can I do that?" He simply responds, "No." -Donovan calls today and asks how I am. I tell him I am fine and ask how he is. He responds, "Stupendous." I tell him he won. He adds, "I figured I would use a word that Sarah Morrison would use." I tell him, "That's more like a word Mary Poppins would use." -My summer wedding date positions are becoming complicated to fill; Lauren's wedding in the Pocono's, especially. I ask Wes first. He is the boy I met in from Philly a few weeks ago. Due to the fact he took longer than 24 hours to accept said invite, I had already moved on to Kurt (also from Philly who I met at SXSW) by the time he came around/checked his messages. I preface Kurt's invitation by informing him I had already asked Wes. Kurt unfazed, suggests, "Why don't all three of us go? It'll be like Big Love." -Gina asks me if I would like to go with her and Louisah to go look at Lesbian clubs in West Hollywood. She is all excited. I am all confused. I try to understand why we are going to Lesbian night clubs. She tells me she wants to do a Lesbian electro night somewhere. I ask why. She informs me, "Lesbians are hipsters too." -I am having a "Yard sale" next Sunday July 8th. The location is still to be determined. I will be selling an insane amount of (mostly vintage) clothing; dresses, jackets, skirts, and anything else you can think of. The clothing is taking up half a room in my apartment. I want the clothing to take up ZERO parts of any room in my apartment. Everything will be cheap and I want it all gone. I will also be selling my Sarah Morrison t-shirts, if you did not have the internet when I was selling them that way. There will be booze, djs, and me of course. So save the date! I will let you know the location once we figure it out. Best Week Ever: June 22nd " Imagine living life like you are always wearing a hood." -I run out of gas on Cahuenga and Franklin. Well, I start to run out of gas around Fountain and Cahuenga. I know there is a gas station at said intersection and I just need to make it there. My truck completely dies twelve feet or so before the gas station. Some gentlemen waiting for the bus help push it into the Shell parking lot. At this point, I am informed that while the gas station is open, they have no gas. I walk to a Chevron or something up the street, asking to borrow a gas can. They tell me I have to buy one. At this point, a teenage boy behind me in line offers to let me use his. So we fill up the gas can, and he drives me back to my truck. All is said and done. I thank him and inform him I am buying a gas can, so this does not happen again. He looks at the bed of my truck and remarks, "You should just fill the back up with gas, in case you run out again." I look down at the bed of my truck. I tell my new teenage friend it's probably not the safest idea, but I will consider it. -Dan texts me about something involving Myspace and moving a couch, during my gas debacle. I inform him I have more important things to deal with at the moment. He offers to help. I tell him I found a teenage boy to help me. I add, "All I had to do was buy him a blunt and give him my number!" -A girl I know is moving out of LA. She is trying to get rid of clothes she does not wear and other sort of bulky possessions, before she goes. Gina and I go rifle through piles of clothing on her apartment floor. I pick up some brightly colored sweater and remark that some boy would probably wear it. The girl points at it and goes, "I went to a party a few weeks back where everyone wore Cosby sweaters like Bill Cosby wore on that show. What was the show Bill Cosby was on?" I pause confused, Gina also confused sort of stops, and then some boy goes, "The Cosby show?" She nods, "The Cosby Show!" I put the sweater back and continue digging. -Gina and I are waiting for pedestrians to cross Hollywood Blvd, so our vehicle can turn onto it. All of a sudden we both point straight ahead. We watch a woman rolling a baby across the street. She has the child in one of those black rolling suitcases people take to airports in hopes of getting their luggage mixed up with someone else's. I am just staring at the whole thing, speechless. Gina is all flustered and trying to make sense of it. I start to talk about something else. Gina is not with me. She throws her hands in the air, "Sarah, we just saw a baby in a suitcase!" -Spencer runs into me at the Hollertronix party. I am wearing a bra. He then sees me this week out somewhere. I am wearing a bra again. He insists I have gotten a boob job. He brings Dan over for backup. I explain the situation. Dan looks at my boobs, at Spencer, then announces, "She is wearing a bra." I smile at Spencer who is still staring at my boobs, looking defeated. -Melissa is supposed to take photos of me one morning. She informs me she only has an hour. I can not be late and have to come completely prepared. She tells me to bring shorts, shoes, and "cranial accessories." I go, "Cranial accessories?" She shrugs, "Like earrings, sunglasses, and maybe a hair scarf?" -I have gained ten pounds maybe a little more, since last summer. I do not really care. But, I will admit I am irritated by the fact I can not get into some of my clothes. I am telling some girls I know about my weight gain. Trevor stops me confused, apparently not believing me. He starts to look me up and down trying to determine if he agrees. I assure him I am right. I then add, "Upside? Hopefully this will get my photos off all those stupid thinspiration sites!" -My former roommate found two kittens at my old house. He cleaned them up, took them in, and decided he did not want them. Melissa and I decided we did. The white one is technically mine and the gray one is Melissa's. I name my kitten Whitey Bulger and have named Melissa's Gray Whitey Bulger. Apparently, this is only funny if you are from Boston. -The power goes out one day, for a few hours. Melissa arrives at my house during this societal inconvenience. She complains she can not watch television. She complains she can not use her computer. She then announces, "I can not even charge my phone! Electricity is everywhere!" -The kittens run around my apartment destroying things all day and all night. They wrestle with plastic bags. They eat toilet paper rolls. They chew on my shoes. One evening, Melissa yells from the other room, "Is that you stuck in a plastic bag or one of the cats?" I yell back, "Just me." -My friend Lauren is getting married in September. Somewhere around the age of 19 we decide when she gets married, I will plan her bachelorette party. I am sort of excited due to the fact I actually have gotten into planning parties. I start throwing out ideas. Lauren stops me and goes, "Remember that both Vikki and Danielle are pregnant. So they can not really "party." I go, "They are still going to be pregnant in September?" Lauren reminds me, "They are still going to be pregnant in September. They are actually going to be pregnant for nine months." -Melissa walks into my room and picks up a Sex and the City DVD off the floor. She looks at it and goes, "Oh my god I thought this was me on the DVD! I told you I look like Sarah Jessica Parker." I look at her and ask, "You really thought that there was a picture of you on a Sex and the City DVD?" She nods. -Alumni sent me a bunch of shirts. If you do not know them they make all that Nacho Bear and "I am So NYC" stuff. I am sporting my "I am so NYC" tank top Friday night at Hush Hush. Mark hunter shows up, looks at me, and asks, "You shopping at Urban Outfitters now?" I roll my eyes, "No, I get free clothes from people on the internet." -I am voicing details on my latest self-induced depression to my friend Gina. I am ranting about my shitty apartment, the fact that I do not have a single friend over the age of 19, my recent weight gain, and my inability to wake up before 2pm. Gina suggests we start the club night we have been talking about doing forever. I sort of shrug. She then goes, "If you want to do a night with me you are going to have to do it now. I am about to blow up." I look at her in hopes she is kidding, realize she is not, and change the subject. -I attempt to write what one might refer to as a "blog." It details my week in paragraph form. It includes both the interesting and the uninteresting. I put it up on Myspace assuming the kids will enjoy it. They do not. I delete it. I run into Preston the other night. He proudly informs me he read the entry before I removed it. I tell him, "I deleted it after I received the 5th message saying it read like Cory Kennedy's Blog." I add, "I am going back to bullet points. Paragraphs are for teenagers." -Brooke informs me she has a new coworker who has no peripheral vision. She is telling me how weird it is. I go, "Imagine living life like you are always wearing a hood." -I am going to have a yard sale. I am going to be selling the remainder of the Mama Stone Vintage collection, now that we are no longer doing the Rosebowl. I will also be selling some of my t-shirts, if you forgot to buy one off the internet. It will be fun. There will be music, booze, and some serious bargains on vintage clothes. There is a lot of clothing. I am aiming for the weekend of July 7 and 8. Stay tuned to find out my exact plan. Also if you have an idea of where I could do this, let me know. -I have two weddings sort of coming up. One is in Denver at the end of July. The other is in the Poconos at the end of September. Apply within, if you would like to be my date to either function. You have to be local. I do not want to pay travel expenses. Best Week Ever: June 8th " I told you to move to Philly, not LA." -All planes are delayed when I arrive at the airport in Boston. I get on some delayed flight that gets me to Chicago, where I find my flight to LA is delayed as well. I am really tired and over it when I get on my connecting flight at 11:30pm. My pilot gets on the intercom and informs us his name is "Mario Lopez." I instantly felt better. -My in-flight movie ends and I am waiting for my complimentary episodes of the Office and 30 Rock. All of a sudden I realize I am watching an advertisement for employment in the government's coolest and hippest agency the CIA. It goes on to depict how fun the CIA is. I am sort of looking around to see if anyone else finds this as strange as I do. The lady next to me does. I turn to her and go, "Are you really weird and secretive? Join the CIA!" -A girl I know who designs clothes and I are discussing sewing. I tell her I don't even have my sewing machine out. I hate when people see it and decide they want me to sew half their wardrobe for them. She identifies. She remarks, "I am a clothing designer. I have my own label. I want to say "Do you ask Marc Jacobs to hem your pants?" -We are discussing new club night ideas. I mention my thoughts on Frankie Chan's night moving to Saturday. We all decide someone should do a Tuesday somewhere. I get excited and announce, "I would totally do it, but I would be afraid I would find Dim Mak interns hiding outside my house with eggs and squirt guns." -Melissa informs me there are kittens living at my old house. I get excited and want to go see them. She tells me that they are smaller than her cat named "Boobies." I add, "Probably, since she was full grown when you got her." Melissa adds, "She only weighed ten pounds." I remind her my cat Kiki weighed six pounds full grown. Melissa adds, "Kiki was all fur. Boobies is all muscle." -Melissa continues describing the kittens to me. She says, "One is gray and the other is white." She goes on, "I think the gray one is cuter, but Lily thinks the white on is magical." I ask why. She says, "Because it has blue eyes." -Brothers and Sisters are in town. They are a great band that you should go see play this month, while they are in LA. They are also known as "my best friend Melissa's boyfriend's Will's band." Greg is their drummer. I ask him what is going on in his life, since I have not seen him since SXSW. He shrugs, "I got my hair cut. What do you think?" I look at it, think for a moment, and say, "It will look better when it grows back." -We were watching some show on E! where they are discussing Paris Hilton's jail stint. Melissa asks, "Do you think people will intentionally commit crimes to be in jail with her?" I reply, "I certainly hope so." -We are walking back to the car after eating at Fred 62. I am walking down the middle of the road. Melissa remarks, "Look what I found! A sidewalk!" I shrug, "Streets are just giant sidewalks. I find them less restricting." -I run into an intoxicated Frankie Chan, Wednesday night. He says, "Did you here where I was and you were not, last night? Cinespace!" I nod, "Yeah, I fell asleep accidentally. I heard you were there." Frankie continues, "Yeah I was there. It's all over the blogs." I go, "Dan told me. Maybe he read it in the blogs." Frankie shakes his head, "No, he saw me there." -Things are shutting down, Wednesday night. As the Djs pack up, we all begin to discuss our Sopranos predictions. Every single one of us thinks something different is going to happen. I go, "I am going to go home and read all the blogs to see what people think is going to happen." Then I point at Frankie and announce, "Then I am going to go read all the blogs about you going to Cinespace!" -I get really dizzy in my kitchen, the other night. I end up blacking out. This is something that has never happened to me. It scared me a little bit. The next day I feel ok. I am just weirded out. I go over to look at the kittens at my old house. I only have a few minutes, before I have to leave for a meeting. I get in the car, and realize I do not have my keys, for the second time that day. Melissa hands them to me. I go, "I have lost my keys twice today. Maybe, I have brain damage." Melissa shakes her head and replies, "I doubt it. You always lose your keys." -I meet a boy Friday night. We decide within the first ten minutes we are soul mates. Within the first half hour, he is pushing away dudes trying to talk to me and going, "Get away from my girl." We are talking on AIM this weekend, when my phone dies. I find my charger and turn my phone back on. I type, "My Blackberry died. I missed everything you said in the past five minutes." He replies, "I asked you to marry me. I got weirded out when you didn't respond and asked someone else." -We stop by the Steve Aoki yard sale, Saturday afternoon. Mark has a video camera now. This is much more annoying than the regular camera. He is setting up fake scenarios and forcing us to pretend they are real. He has Steve Aoki sitting in a chair holding a Sharpie. He is making girls go over to him and asking him to sign things. Immediately after signing some girl's ass, he starts to grab my phone, and then announces, "Yes Sarah Morrison, I will sign your Blackberry." The camera pans to me and I wave my hands, "I am not doing this." -I get to LAX, Sunday night around 12:30. I go sit with Gina. The problem is that Gina is not sitting at all. She is dancing on a couch. She keeps reaching into her purse and grabbing receipts. She then proceeds to rip them up into little pieces and throw them in the air. I opt to go get a drink after five minutes of this. I see Dan on the way. I go, "Go look at your girlfriend." -Me and homeboy are standing next to my car. He complains about how he could not get backstage at the CSS show. I start to laugh and tell him I did. He grabs my wrist and goes, "How did you get a yellow wristband?" I keep laughing. He goes, "Even Steve Aoki couldn't get backstage." I nod, "I know. We saw." -I am at LAX Sunday night. I am tired and sort of just waiting for the weekend to end. I am sitting in Ronysphotobooth biding my time. Some dude on vacation comes in and says he wants a photo to remember his trip to LA. Rony goes, "Here take a photo with Sarah Morrison!" -Sunday evening at LAX finally ends. I wait for homeboy to get his stuff. I go, "You are my favorite DJ." He replies, "Aw you are my favorite non-DJ." -I move to LA three years ago for no other reason than I am supposed to move to Philly and the apartment I have lined up falls through. Instead of looking for another one, I just drive out here. I am on the phone with Bettie last night, telling her about my weekend and my latest soul mate from Philly. (Kurt and I fell in love at the Nylon party at SXSW and decided we were soul mates. He is also from Philly) Bettie simply states, "I told you to move to Philly, not LA." Best Week Ever: June 1st " Aw, I wish my mom was here to help me defrost butter!" -Trendmill talks to Sarah Morrison. Trendmill is a fashion networking site. In the words of Sarah Morrison "It's like a Myspace for clothes." Sign up to network with the hottest designers, fashionistas, and girls who love clothes just as much as you. IF YOU DON'T HAVE A TRENDMILL PROFILE....SIGN UP FOR ONE NOW! -I am on the shuttle, on the way to the airport. We stop to collect some weird dude in a wife beater speaking very loudly on his cell phone. He gets in the large empty van and opts to sit right next to me. From his loud conversation about "how hard his dick was" in front of the camera, the mention that he is "tired of fucking and wants to direct," and finally some story about how he "fucked 3 girls on camera when he was 16," I use my detective skills to determine he is some sort of porno dude. He ends the phone call 30 seconds before I arrive at my terminal, in order to make conversation with me. He is from somewhere in the south. He is asking me questions, but I really can not understand his sort of Three 6 Mafia meets Dolly Parton accent. I nod a bunch. I do decipher this question, "How do you meet dudes in this town, if they are all gay?" I shrug, "Offer anal." I grab my bags and wish him a safe flight. -censored (This is what i will now write every time i have to remove portions of my blog, after people yell at me.) -censored -When smoking at my parents' house, I put out cigarettes and then shove them down the cracks in their deck. I assume that if they ever tear out the deck, the years of cigarette butts will have grown into a garden of full-fledged cigarettes. I am sitting outside smoking, when my dad comes out informing me he has a present for me. He hands me a coffee can full of cat litter. I look at it, and back up at him confused. He rolls his eyes, "I made you an ashtray." -I run into my old boss from high school, one day downtown. I do not think I had seen him in at least five years. I enjoyed working for him at 16.I enjoy talking about our lives 11 years later on a street corner for 35 minutes, even more. We begin to part ways; I stop and say, "There is not a person I would have rather run into on Main Street." I then add, "Now you can go on with your day feeling good about yourself, knowing you were the best person Sarah Morrison could have run into on Main Street." -My brother always has weird shit going on. It is hard to predict what he is going to do next or why he will justify doing it. My mom is on the phone with him sort of shrieking. She announces, "That is great news! Congratulations!" I yell from across the room, "Is he pregnant?" -I am trying to bake cookies and talk to Brooke on the phone simultaneously. My mom is wandering in and out of the kitchen, worried about the cookies. Her microwave is very complicated. I am trying to defrost a stick of butter, when she asks if I need help. I announce, "I can't figure out how to defrost the butter." Brooke still on the phone sighs, "Aw, I wish my mom was here to help me defrost butter!" -Leah and I are on the phone discussing the recent celebrity DUI trend. I then add my brother to the list, somewhere in between Lohan and Paris. Leah at first is alarmed, due the fact she did not know my brother got a DUI. She then goes, "Actually, Sam getting a DUI does a service to the community and the country as a whole. All of America probably feels safer." -My dad is making fun of the fact I do not eat meat as he prepares a meal of hotdogs and sausages for the family to enjoy. I announce, "Let's not even say I don't eat meat. Let's just say I do not eat penis shaped food." -I am at Leah's apartment. There is a note taped to the wall from a boy I have known for a very long time, who also is one of Leah's old roommates. Written circa 2001, it reads, "Thanks for being my roommate and helping me last night. It was really outgoing of you.-Greg." I was moving out of my apartment one summer and asked Greg to come over and help me move the furniture out. He threw the couches off the back porch. -I end up hanging out with the Youth Service director from the town I grew up in, until 2:30 in the morning in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot. We are talking about phones. He has a Treo which he hates. I let him play with my Blackberry hoping to convert him. He ends up going through my 1000 plus person phonebook. I label people in my phone with their first name and 1-3 adjectives that will jog my memory on how I met and/or know them. Bill is enjoying my labels, reading them out loud, and asking if these people know about "this." I am sort of shrugging and discussing those I can not identify adjectives and all.. He starts laughing hysterically, holds the phone up, and announces this one is my favorite, "Liz Vermont Weed." I reply, "Oh, I know who that is." -I am supposed to go out with Leah one night. Me and my dad are watching my DVDs of The Office: Season 2. I want to watch more Office. She is on Blackberry messenger trying to force me to come out, then later guilt tripping me. I am relaying the conversation to my dad. He tells me to promise I will go out the following night. Leah is still mad. My dad then goes, "Tell her you will go out tomorrow night and you will have two times the fun." I type this to her. He then adds, "Tell Leah, I am not only guaranteeing, but giving permission for two times the fun." -I skip New York, due to the fact I only have a window of 24 hours to go for. When I think about the amount of people I will have to see in said 24 hour period, I get tired and already need a nap. So, I coerce Bettie to fly up to Boston. Bettie is one of my best friends. We lived together during our formative years in crappy apartments in crappier Boston neighborhoods. She has not been back since. During said coercion I announce, "Come up here. We will go out in Boston. It won't be fun, but it will be funny!" -Bettie and her boyfriend have been dating for quite some time. I assume they will get married soon. She begs to differ. We are sort of drunk and discussing the "Bridesmaid situation" that we will all have to eventually face. I announce, "I think the Myspace "top eight" may have some direct correlation to Bridesmaid selection. I wonder if your number one has to be your Maid of Honor?" -We are out one night in Boston. I have had a few drinks. The night is looking to be sort of amazing. I announce, "I am going to get drunk tonight and be like I am moving back to Boston! I will wake up tomorrow with a hangover, wondering what happened. Leah adds, "You will find a bunch of papers in your purse and be like shit I signed a lease!" -We are gossiping about the whereabouts of those we grew up with. If they are not in Boston, they seem to be in Philly. Luckily, that is where Bettie resides so she has that territory covered. She is giving us the rundown on the Boston expatriates, now there. I ask about a boy we all know. Bettie says, "He is back in jail." Due to the fact it had not been that long since I talked to him, I am alarmed and ask why. She shrugs, "He started stabbing people again." -Bettie is inquiring about my current living situation. She asks me, "So do you have a roommate?" I nod, "Melissa." Confused, she reminds me Melissa lives in Texas. I tell her that Melissa rents a room in my apartment still and comes back every month. I add, "Ten years from now, I will probably be married, own a house, and Melissa will have her own bedroom in it." -We are supposed to meet a friend of a friend in Alston. None of us have ever met him. All we know is that he is going to be on a bike. The boy in question rolls up in front of us. I have no idea if this is him, or not. Leah just yells, "Are you on a bike?" -Mike is driving my dad's car around Boston. I am sitting in the front seat, due the fact I should at least be watching where we are going because the car is my responsibility. Some Billy Bragg song comes on. Spanky announces, "Some kid tried to tell me one night that Billy Bragg is a better songwriter than Morrissey. I roll my eyes, "That's retarded." Spanky nods, "Wicked." -Mike is driving me and twelve or so boys around in my dad's car. It is now light out. Mike is stopping at green lights and running red lights. He insists he knows where he is going, but keeps taking us in the complete wrong direction. Spanky keeps asking him if he is on acid. I keep trying to fix the directional issue suggesting where he should be going. Spanky tells us both to shut up and announces, "I am giving directions. He is on acid and she has not lived here in three years." -I get back to my parents house Sunday morning around 8am. My dad is up and drinking coffee in the kitchen. I laugh, "I just got home." He nods, "Yes Sarah, I was standing here 30 seconds ago when you walked in." I shrug, "Maybe I should go to bed." -Go Buy my "i wanna be sarah morrison when i grow up" t-shirts! Everyone loves tshirts. If you are a boy buy these ones. If you are a girl buy these ones. This is the LAST WEEK! Then there will be no more T-shirts. Seriously, now or never. -I have caught up on the Sopranos. I have to see the season finale, Sunday. I do not have HBO. If you do, know me, live in the LA area, and promise not to speak from 9-10pm, have me over! Best Week Ever: May 25th " I bet somewhere out there is a dude that may be lucky enough to get road head from Sarah Morrison." -Gina and I decide I should be her agent.The first gig we book is a bat mitzvah. It ends up being the coolest party either of us have ever attended, and probably will ever attend. I arrive a little late. I head to the pool and see Gina set up on the side at one table. The other table is two high school boys who appear to be in charge of the video end of the entertainment. I sit down next to Gina. She motions to the video boys to come over and meet me. One of them stands up, smiles widely braces and all, and yells, "Oh my god it's Sarah Morrison!" Dan shakes his head, "Of course, Sarah already knows them." -As the evening wears on, the parents get a little more intoxicated and begin to dance. One of the moms heads over to us and inquires if Gina can play some "Salsa, Meringue, or Rolling Stones." I tell her sure. Gina nods obligingly and remarks, "The next song." Then the next song comes on. I stop and listen for a moment. I am taking in the Foreigner song Gina has deemed appropriate, and is now bouncing up and down to. I then remark, "I like that Salsa and Meringue and the Rolling Stones somehow equaled obscure Foreigner." -We head to a party downtown after the bat mitzvah ends. I am discussing how amazing the party was, with a few of my friends. I announce that I will be ending all other business ventures, and will be exclusively throwing Bat and Bar mitzvahs. One of my friends sighs, "I remember Sarah when she was just a writer and worked for porn companies." -Star and I are discussing ideas for Saturdays night's party at the Echo, which we are hosting. We are talking matching outfits. She is talking selling t-shirts with our faces on them. She then remarks, "We should sell Sarah Morrison and Zina Star calendars. We would just need a couple more Cobrasnake pictures of us together." I go, "What do we have like four or five pictures so far? We could do it." Star adds, "I think there are only like two." I sigh, feeling sort of defeated. -I am outside the party Saturday night, talking to a boy I know. He is introducing me to one of his friends. He says, "This is Sarah Morrison. She is a big party promoter." Then Mark chimes in, "This is Sarah Morrison. She is famous on the internet." -I have hung out twice with this boy who is every thing I do not want in a boy, ever. He meets me at Star's. As I walk up to the car, he stares blankly at me. Then goes, "Are those want to be Ugs?" I look down at my yellow Jennifer Swii boots, and then up at him disgusted. I go, "No one wears Ugs. No one wears things that want to be Ugs." He shrugs, "Yeah, they do." Disgusted I remark, "No, one I know." -He then gets in my car and moves a bunch of paper and magazines on the seat. He finds photocopies of that article that ran a while back about me in Nylon. He is shocked. At first I think it is because I was in the magazine. Then he goes, "You look so cute here. Why don't you look this cute all the time?" I inform him I look exactly like that "all the time." He adds, "Not right now, you are wearing glasses." I turn up the radio. -Me and the boy go down to Dave's Blow Up LA party. I instantly lose boy and find Dave. I am telling him how horrible said boy is. I relay the information that he actually inquired if I would give him "road head" in the car on the way over. I then go on to tell Dave I had declined. Dave laughs, "I bet somewhere out there is a dude that may be lucky enough to get road head from Sarah Morrison." I announce, "No, I drive standard." -There is some adorable bartender girl at the party, who looks like Amy Winehouse. I freak out and tell her this. She looks at me disgusted and goes, "Ew, she is so ugly." Sort of startled and confused I reply, "I love her. Translation: I am giving you a compliment." She tried to smile, but it didn't really work. -My gas and cable get turned off. I do not have the money to turn both back on. So Melissa "my sort of roommate" volunteers the rest. She Pay Pals me 300 dollars. The email from Pay Pal reads: "Amount: $300.00 USD Subject: $ for shower and cable! Note: not for drugs or clothes!" -There is a new restaurant manager at cinespace who does not seem to enjoy me like the management of the past has. He takes me off the schedule last week. I go in to find out why. He talks in circles, and sort of awkwardly comes to the fact he has been brought in to make changes and create a better business. He informs me that if I have a better attitude and am willing to work with him on whatever his secret new plan is, I can get my hours back. Due to the fact I am not 12, this tactic did not work so well with me. I simply respond, "No thanks." He flips out and starts going on about how I expect him to make it through the week without me. He is ranting about dinner, events, and whatnot when I calmly stated, "You should have thought about that when you took me off the schedule." (FYI: I am seeking employment. You should hire me.) -I am going to Boston Sunday. My mom calls today inquiring "if I am still coming." I inform her, "As long as the plane still comes." If you are still in Boston, my number is still the same. -My t-shirt SALE is ALMOST over Go BUY shirts They are so cute. -Trendmill interviewed me. You should read it. Then you should sign up for a Trendmill profile. Best Week Ever: May 11 th " I learned that spitting at New York was probably not the best thing to do." -In review, I kissed a boy I liked a few times. He got back together with his considerably younger than myself exgirlfriend. No big deal. Exgirlfriend happens to have a large following of also younger than myself friends and disciples, who apparently have waged internet and social war with me. I have not seen all of what has been written, due to my inability to fit in two hours of Googling my name per day. I was forwarded one message board thread with photos of *said* girl at Coachella. The thread is 20 something photos with captions all praising her adorableness. The last photo is me at Coachella and the caption simply reads "whore." -I am perpetually "out" on Tuesday evenings. I receive messages from several internet girls that Carson Daly said something about me in his monologue, the Tuesday after Coachella. None of them seem to be sure what he said, exactly. They all do seem to know that he said "Sarah Morrison" and "Coachella" in the same sentence. That was good enough for me. If it had been Oprah, I might have inquired a little bit more. -I do not write Best Week Ever last week. I make an announcement informing it will not run, due to the drama that the week prior and its Coachella blogs ensued. I receive a message informing me that "This is like letting the terrorists win." I respond, "Or the drunk 17 year olds." -I am at the gas station. I fill up my tank. I get in my truck and start the engine. I am about to leave the parking lot, when someone knocks at my window. I roll the window down to see what this gentleman might want. He goes, "Do you need any help?" Confused, I sort of look around making sure nothing is on fire. I reply, "With what?" He says, "Filling up your gas tank." I shake my head and inform him I already did that. I add, "Did you want to pay for it?" He stumbles around trying to come up with something to say. I wave to him and begin to drive off. The lady pumping her gas next to me laughs. -Some guy rolls into cinespace while we are showing the De la Hoya fight. He sort of wanders around, buys a few drinks, and watches a portion of the fight. I am outside smoking a cigarette when he exits the building. He looks confused. I ask him if I can help him with anything. He goes, "I just really want some Heroin." I nod, disaffected. He continues, "You know when you just want Heroin and can't find it anywhere?" I nod, "Welcome to my life." He heads down Hollywood Blvd. -We are at Dora's, hanging out by the pool. She is discussing her fascination with the 1990s and obvious choice to pretend she lives in the 1990s. Since, I actually peaked in 1994; I have a good deal to offer Dora in terms of fashion, music, and miscellaneous pop culture from said decade. Dora all of a sudden has a revelation, "Let's call MTV! We can do that show Made. You can be my Made coach." I get excited then inquire, "What exactly are we making you into, me in high school?" Dora shrugs, "I want to be Made into a 1990s girl!" -Brooke writes me telling me she informed her gentleman friend that I acquired an intern. He allegedly responded, "Sarah Morrison has an intern? That's like Kramer having an intern." -I return home late one evening this week and sign on to AIM. A boy I know, who I had seen out that evening begins making conversation with me. His line of questioning goes from "What time did you get home from work?" to "Are you horny?" with less than 30 seconds in between inquiries. I think he is kidding and change the subject. He then asks me what I am wearing. I let him know I am wearing the same thing he saw me in an hour ago. I walk to the kitchen and return to find he typed me one last message and signed off. The message read, "Whatever I am jacking off and going to bed." -I receive a phone call from a boy today. He asks me if I throw parties. I inform him that I do. He tells me I gave him a flyer for one of my parties somewhere. (He now lists 15 options for where this may have occured.) He is not sure how he got my number, but pretends to know. As he keeps trying to explain it, I realize exactly who he is and where I met him. I let him continue to try and play it cool. Once he finishes, I tell him how he met me. He gets a little embarrassed, due to the fact he was quite intoxicated during the evening I am referring to. I tell him I handed him a flyer. He grabbed me and started trying to make out with me, in from of my intern. He asks a few more questions. I give a few more details. He goes, "I tried to kiss you in front of your intern?" I remind him he did. He then goes, "You have an intern?" -I am hanging out with a friend of mine who works for Myspace. He is informing me that companies pay them insane amounts of money to build their Myspace profiles. He goes, "You have more friends than most of these people that have spent a hundred grand on their profiles." I shrug, "I have more friends than Trishelle, from the Real World." -My friend Jason and I are discussing my lack of current employment. He is informing me I should get a "job." I tell him I am not going to. He tries to gauge what exactly I am going to do instead. I list a few options. He then offers to find me a job. I look annoyed, "I only work part-time. I don't do things for more than four hours in a row." -Jason is continuing to try to convince me that I should do one thing 40 hours a week somewhere, called a "job." I am lying on the bed. I have sort of stopped listening. I do hear him say, "You need a job. It's time to grow up." I sit up and announce, "I am grown up. That's how I know I don't want a job." -The internet appeared in an uproar, due to some content that appeared in my last few blogs. I am not a big fan of taking things back, but I will edit them. Pumpkin summed up my sentiments the best when she stated on Charm School, last week, "I learned that spitting at New York was probably not the best thing to do." Then she went on to tell the camera, that she meant nothing of the apology. She is just trying to play the game. You know, you would have probably spit at New York, too. -My t-shirts are on SALE for 20$ this week, and THIS WEEK ONLY. So go buy them. They are so cute. They will make you smile. Best Week Ever: April 27th " We don't like Sarah Morrison anymore." -I bring out a few of my "I wanna be Sarah Morrison when I grow up" tshirts to LAX Sunday night. I am putting them on people and taking photos to display their pure awesomeness. Mark suggests I go ask Lohan to wear one. I look at him, roll my eyes and announce, "I don't want Lindsay Lohan to be like me when she grows up." -Mark receives one of the few complimentary t-shirts, due to the fact, he took the photo of me that is on it. I hand it to him and announce, "You have to wear it." He replies, "I have a shirt on." I add, "I don't mean right now, just every day from here on out." -As most are aware, my exboyfriend Mike runs a Biodiesel venture that received a nomination for one of the coveted Myspace Impact awards. We are on the phone discussing it for the 80th time. I go, "You know you owe me for this. I want a cut of the money, if you win." He pauses, "Ok, I will give you ten bucks. I shrug, "Ok." -I receive a Myspace message this week. It is entitled "Snake fuckers." It reads, "I googled images of "snake fuckers" (why? isn't important) and the first picture was of you (i think) wearing a cobra snake t-shirt." -Thursday evening around 9pm, Dan and Gina and Dan's Lexus arrive to pick me up for Coachella. Once I open the car door, I discover the weekend will also include Jason Stewart and Chris (Cory Kennedy's twin and also 17 year old sister). I inform the carpool I need to go to the bank before we leave. Chris announces she has to pee already. Jason suggests she pee at the bank. I remind them the bank is not open, but suggest she pee outside in an alley by the bank. She goes, "The last time I did that, I ruined my Marc Jacobs shoes." Jason inquires, "The last time you peed at the bank?" -I can't sleep in the hotel room which all five of us are wholed up in. Around 7am, after a solid two hours of sleep I opt to just get up and go downstairs to do work. Somewhere around 11, Jason appears downstairs. He finds me reading Vogue at a table outside. I am on the phone with Brooke detailing my thoughts thus far on that which is Coachella. I go, "It is sort of like the poor man's SXSW." Jason goes, "It is not at all." He pauses for a second then announces, "Actually, that's exactly what it is like." -I am contacted by a New York newspaper. From what I understand, they are doing an article about DJs, maybe parties, or maybe both. I call the girl back. She begins asking me questions. She starts with my parties and the DJs I have worked with. She sort of all a sudden stops and asks me how I met Steve Aoki. Then a bunch of questions about Steve follow. I do my best to stay professional. I explain his role in the LA party scene. I am stumbling around thinking of positive things to say about him. She stops me and just goes, "Ok, seriously I heard you and Steve don't really get along. You guys have a love/hate relationship that's why I called you." I say only glowing things about Steve, but I do manage to remark, "Steve and I have a very different approach to business. I wouldn't ever want to work for him. I can safely say, Steve Aoki would never want to work for me." -I see Steve later in the day. I give him the girl's contact info that is writing the article. I go, "They called me because they heard we have a "love/hate relationship." I said only nice things about you. Now it is your turn." -Dirty Dave is fun by day, but amazing my night. He shows up to my Coachella poolside party extravaganza, Friday night. He is wasted. He is being amazing. Gina is standing by the DJ booth, waiting for the final decision on whether she will DJ again. Dave heads over to her and announces, "I saw you DJ once at Holly's. You are a better than MSTRKRFT." -Brynne texts Gina threatening to "kick Sarah Morrison's ass" if she ever talks shit about her again. This is obviously going to be good. Gina writes Brynne inquiring what exactly I had said. She tells Gina "my beating" will be the result of telling people (Jacob only) she was on Ecstasy, the day before. I go, "She was spinning in circles like she was at a Phish show and then jumped in the pool fully clothed. I have never done Ecstasy, but I would assume that is what doing Ecstasy looks like." -I made out with this boy a few times. He got back together with his (considerably younger than me) ex-girlfriend. I see her and her seventeen year old pseudo internet celebrity friends more. Things get more and more awkward. I am standing in line for the bathroom at some Coachella party, which I am not enjoying. One of her little friends rolls up in line. She is drunk and underdressed. I say hello to her. She stumbles around trying to explain how she didn't see me standing two feet away from her. She then turns to some boy and goes, "We don't like Sarah Morrison anymore." I laugh out loud and announce to no one but myself, "Oh, this is going to be fun for the next six months!" -I have stopped going to my job. I am discussing ideas of what I plan do next to bide my time. I have some ideas for new club nights. I have some meetings coming up a variety of companies. My friends sort of actually concerned, inquire what I am planning to do next. I go, "I heard Spinderella has been DJing lately. I want to start a night with her." Everyone sort of pauses, looks startled, and tries to think of something to say. I simply announce, "Best idea Ever!" -I hate Coachella. I remind everyone of this, probably every hour or so in the 2 and a half days we spend there. We finally just decide to go home last night. In the car I remark, "If I even sort to allude to want to go to this next year, remind me I don't." -Gina gets excited to find a survey in a some magazine. She seems to have acquired it during the weekend. Now, she is using it to entertain us on our ride home. The survey is entitled "What color are you?" She decides to read each question out loud, then force each of us to answer. The magazine ask us things like what we plan on being when we grow up, how we cheer ourselves up when "feeling down," and a bunch of other stuff I paid little attention to. She apparently is recording all of our answers, so she is able to tally up the results at the end. I do recall selecting "Pilot" as my desired occupation. When we finish, she reads off the "color" the magazine has individually deemed each of us, and its personality description. She gets to me and sorts confused reads, "Sarah is pink." She goes on to describe that I am always happy. I love everything I like rainbows and babies and small animals. I run through fields and laugh, or something comparable to this. Jason goes, "I have never heard anything even close to that wrong before." I point at him and announce, "I am going to be a pilot." -I have gained ten pounds. I am not thrilled with this, due to summer coming. I decide I am going to diet. I arrive at work tonight informing Sergio I am going to take Phen Phen. He nods, "That's a great idea. So when you drop dead the headline in the paper will read, "Internet celebrity dead. Phen phen and cigarettes were found in her purse." -I decide to stop at my local market on the way home. I am keeping my dieting in mind, while selecting my purchases. They ring up my coffee, 12 bananas, bag of Smart Food popcorn, and bottle of Vodka. I announce, "I am dieting." One of them laughs. I go, "If this works. I am writing a diet book about it." The other boy working goes, "I like any diet that involves Vodka." I point at them both and announce, "So will America!" Best Week Ever: April 20th " I think White Castle would beg to differ." -My t-shirts are here! They are awesome. We are taking photos of the kids wearing them THIS week. They should be up for sale on No Star clothing's site by next week. If my picture wasn't on them. I would totally want one.-Two older gentlemen are at my place of employment for a film screening. They seem to be enjoying my company. I tell them I am from Boston. One of them tells me he hates Boston. He says, "I was there one winter. I have never been that cold in my entire life." I inquire, "Have you ever been to Canada?" -I have my new intern pass out flyers for me at Tik Tok Saturday night. She finishes and inquires if she can do anything else. I tell her to hold on because I need to find Gina. All of a sudden she scurries off and returns with Gina. Gina entirely confused goes, "How did this just happen. I had never even met this girl." I nod, smile, and say, "Good job, intern!" -Gina, Dan, and I are walking to the car, Saturday night. Gina is still discussing how my intern found her without actually ever meeting her beforehand. Dan simply shakes his head and mumbles "Sarah Morrison has an intern. What is the world coming to?" -Cinespace has an appetizer on its menu called "Belly Bombers." "Belly Bombers" are six mini hamburgers on a plate. I overhear one of our cooks speaking to a client about all the dishes he invented at our establishment. I hear him announce that his most crowning achievement was his creation of the innovative "Belly Bombers." I yell across the room, "I think White Castle would beg to differ." He rolls his eyes and continues his rant. -I am sitting on the patio Tuesday, with some of my 19 year old friends. They all begin to perk up as Cobrasnake rolls by flashing his camera. Mark does not see me. I sort of yell his name. One of them stands up and screams, "Mark, Sarah wants you!" I start waving my hands in the air and announce, "I do not want him. This is how rumors get started." -I introduce my intern Jourdan to Dave, one of Cinespace's owners. He is sort of speechless as the introduction begins. He then pulls it together and tells her how nice it is to meet her. Once she leaves he goes, "Can you get me an intern, too?" -Tuesday evening, we are standing around at the Dim Mak office. Steve Aoki decides he wants to play poker. He tells us all to go outside and find people to participate in his 3am venture. People actually listen to him, and start filtering outside. I continue standing there, as his disciples scurry around. He points at me and instructs me to go find people to play. I roll my eyes, look right at him, and announce, "No." Mark Hunter starts laughing and announces, "I love Sarah." -Stuart is talking about Coachella. I turn to him and go, "When did you get Coachella tickets?" He sort of shrugs and nonchalantly tells me he got them a month ago. I ask him if he can get tickets for me and Star. He shakes his head. I then ask, "How about one ticket for Star and I to split?" -My favorite exboyfriend Mike runs a Biodiesel company called Grease not Gas. He is nominated for a Myspace Impact award. There are three nominees in his category of "Environmental Activism." The winner receives a 10 thousand dollar grant. He is up against some river clean-up something or rather. His real competition is Surfrider, a very well known non-profit for their involvement in cleaning up our beaches. (They are the real threat.) Mike and I are on the phone discussing the matter. He is not worried about the river people, but very concerned about Surfrider. I am as well, but try not to let on to it. Suddenly I announce, "Oh my god. I know a boy who works at Myspace. I can have their profile deleted!" He starts laughing uncontrollably. I then add, "I was half serious." Still laughing and replies, "I know." The contest ends THIS Wednesday April 25th at 12 noon PST. So VOTE VOTE for Grease not Gas until then! If you do not support his cause, vote for him simply because he is "Ok" with THIS. -Gina and I are discussing the early turnout, at the party Wednesday night. She goes, "Did you hear Steve Aoki telling people to come to your party, last night?" I look baffled and announce, "He must be drinking again." -At Wednesday night's party, there are approximately ten lists at the door that some dude from Camel is trying to manage. I head downstairs to check on things. He yells to me, "These people say they are on Sarah and Gina's list?" I wave my hands, encouraging him to let them in. He is inquiring as to where said list is. I announce, "I do not do lists. If they say they are on our list they are our friends, just let them in. Pieces of paper give me anxiety." -Julie, Dan, Rony, and whoever else are inquiring what exactly my intern's responsibilities entail. I shrug, "I am still trying to work that out." I go, "I had her hand out flyers one night." Chris Kennedy announces, "She also drove me home on Saturday." I nod, "She hands out flyers and drives people to Santa Monica!" -Leah one of my best friends from Boston leaves me a Myspace comment this week. It quotes a comment I left her a while back. It reads, "Sarah Morrison -"I am jealous that Leah has like 30 something comments on here and I have like 5." She adds, "OH THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!" -Stuart is showing us photos of some 500 dollar/night hotel he booked in New York. I tell him how ridiculous this is. I suggest a more affordable Comfort Inn or Best Western. He rolls his eyes and goes on about how no one stays in Best Westerns. I go, "My Friday party at Coachella is at the Best Western and you can't come." He is still looking at the hotel photos. He turns to me and says, "What?" -Coachella is this coming weekend. Saturday night's festivities are still under construction. But Friday night is going to be amazing.It is DJs Jason "Them Jeans" Stewart and Dylan "Le Castlevania." Its Dylan's birthday so there will be cake. The party is free, the booze is free, the fun is FREE. It is sponsored my Urb Magazine and Mixrevolution.com. It is hosted by yours truly. Come. It is at the Best Western, by the pool. Best Western is probably the fanciest hotel I have ever been to. -It seems that I and my place of employment are going to be parting ways. I am not sure what I plan to do next. I made a list of some ideas, but I can't find it. I have a couple meetings this week. If you have any business propositions for me, let me know. Let's wait to start anything until after Coachella.. Best Week Ever: April 13th " I can not think of anyone more appropriate to wear an "I Want to be Sarah Morrison, When I Grow Up" t-shirt, than Steve Aoki!" -Mark "TheCobraSnake.com" Hunter is selling new shirts. They compare the similarities and differences between the Home Depot, Jello, and party photography. Buy them. Then wear them places and feel pretty. -Friday night at Hush Hush was good. Thanks to all of you that came. Next Hush Hush is Friday May 4th, so start picking out your outfit. So, somewhere in a lull at the door, I go to check on the Rony's Photobooth extravaganza that is set up on the patio. I start to head over and hear Rony yelling. His girlfriend Julie simply says, "Sarah, welcome to "Rony's Drunken Photobooth." -I inform some boy he is not coming into Hush Hush Friday at cinespace, due to an altercation he had with Dora and I a few weeks back. He is unable to recall yelling at us and calling Dora a "drunk bitch" and me just a regular one. He finally apologizes and I let him into the party. When security finally cards him to get into my 18+ event, they inform me is 19. One of them goes, "Well, you won't have to worry about him ever being here on a Tuesday again!" -I go to sleep at 11pm Saturday evening and somehow do not wake up until 4pm Sunday evening. I wake up sort of confused as to how this happened. One of my friends is inquiring about how my Easter was, I inform them, "I missed Jesus and the Easter Bunny." -I run into Mark Hunter, Sunday night. He has been out of town as of late, I have not seen him in a while. He approaches me and goes, "Stop talking about me in your blog." I respond, "Stop taking photos of me." He does not hear me and asks me what I just said. I smile and reply, "I missed you." -Tuesday night, I am approached by several people surprised to find me. They inform me that when inquiring about my whereabouts to the new door boy, they are told "Steve Aoki fired Sarah because she was letting too many people in for free." When they inquired about my Friday parties, the big Wednesday party next week, my full-time job at cinespace, and where the hell I was, homeboy shrugged. He simply informed them I no longer work at cinespace, "Steve Aoki fired Sarah." -There are some girls here from Canada. They apparently came to vacation in LA. They sort of asked around as to what is cool and have been everywhere I am all week. Mark inquires if they have met me, yet. They nod. He adds, "Sarah Morrison is famous." They look at me lost. I add, "I am not famous here. I am famous on the internet." -My mom calls this week, asking how things are going. She asks about last weeks party and the Camel party coming up Wedneday. I say, you will enjoy this, "Gina agreed to DJ the party for a hundred dollars. She called me this week, trying to convince me to pay her 200 dollars, so she could pay me back the hundred she owes me. She then continued on about how it would be like I was paying her 100 dollars." My mom remarked, "Sounds like something you would say to dad." -My "I want to be Sarah Morrison when I Grow Up"t-shirts are done. Erik from No Star clothing is mailing me a few, so I can get some photos of someone wearing them for the site. They SHOULD be up for sale by the end of the week, early NEXT WEEK at the latest. After much and or little thought, I decide I am going to ask Steve Aoki to model them. I can not think of anyone more appropriate to wear an "I Want to be Sarah Morrison, When I Grow Up" t-shirt, than Steve Aoki!" -Some girl is asking me where the LF is, that my photo is hanging up at. She said she drove around looking for it, and could not find it. Sam (who works there) happens to be sitting behind me. He goes, "Your photo is not up anymore." I look at him confused. He shrugs, "It's a new season." I look at him disappointed, "I am so last season." -I need a roommate. My first underage friend is unable to move in because she is still trying to get her license. The second underage friend is apparently pregnant. It is a small place so I need someone I know well and like "weller." Apply within. It's sort of very cheap. -I am informing Glen that I got an intern. He nods and informs me he is glad. He adds, "I started to worry when I read that Myspace bulletin asking if anyone knew what parties you were hosting at Coachella." -Sergio asks me to split a pizza with him, this evening at work. I decline, due to my recent eating activity. I explain that I went to the grocery store, last night. I bought sushi, a sandwich, and a pizza, thinking I had food for the next few days. Out of boredom, I managed to consume all three last night while watching reality television. He goes, "You have an oral fixation." I reply, "And, I hate blow jobs." -THIS WEDNESDAY April 18th! DJs, FREE Cosmos, Me, Go-go Dancers! This is a party I would come to even if I was not throwing it. Wed April 18th at Cinespace! DJs SAMANTHA RONSON, Tina T, Gina Turner, DJ Taina, Maria Holland, and Louisah! Frees Cosmos to 11! ! Dancings, cupcakes, cookies, girls, boys, free cigarettes, boooze, free other stuff, and more cupcakes! AND ME! Best Week Ever: April 6th " I wish I dated Sarah Morrison in High School." -I am talking to Jason on AIM about Djing a party. Stuart is basically reading the conversation over my shoulder, making verbal comments. I tell Jason how much I would pay him. He replies, "Damn, girl." Stuart then says, "I want you to ask Jason how he feels about the fact he just said "Damn girl" to Sarah Morrison." -After work Friday, I head over to the Betsey Johnson party. I encounter the girl with the list and give her my name. She rifles through her clipboard, stops, and starts laughing. She says, "Just so you know it says Sarah Morrison + infinity. I look over at the sidewalk full of infinity. She goes, "Just go in." -I get my period Saturday. I am having trouble communicating with people due to my cramps and misery. My manager Cory is talking to me about some party I am throwing. I somehow have no idea what he is talking about at all. He looks at me and goes, "Are you retarded today?" Annoyed I reply, "I have my period." -My AIM away message all day Saturday reads "I have cramps." I go to check my messages sometime in the afternoon. I then see that Ron's away message reads "Sarah Morrison has cramps." -Gina owes me a hundred dollars. I am paying Gina 100 dollars to Dj a party coming up. She calls to suggest that I pay her 200 dollars. I inquire why exactly. She explains it is so she can pay me back. She adds, "Really, it is like you are only paying me a hundred dollars." I tell her I will think about it. -There is some Vodka promotion going on at work. I am at the front on the computer, when approached by some scantily clad girl with a tray of shots. She offers me one. I go, "I can't I'm drinking." She looks at me confused. I correct, "Working, not drinking." She wanders off, still convinced I am drunk. -Our accountant is asking Stuart the nature of several credit card charges listed in the system. Stuart is trying to uncode the abbreviations he associated with the charges, but is not succeeding. He opts to call the companies and to inquire what they do, to solve the dilemna at hand. He just starts calling places asking them "what they sell." They explain their products to him. He nods and looks at us, "I am going ask everyone in the office how many "of those" they want to buy. We will call you right back and place an order!" -The owners of my place of employment are opening a new restaurant. I have been put in charge of collecting all necessary forms and paperwork for its opening. I tell one of our owners today that I want him to take them off my laptop for fear my computer is going to crash. He nods understandably, "Let's get them off as soon as possible to make room for internet blogs and to ensure Myspace loads faster." I smile and nod. -Ryan "the bartender" borrows a CD from one of the bar backs at work. Ryan is informing him he attempted to bring it back that day, but realized he put the wrong CD in its case. The bar back asks Ryan, "What's in it, Celine Dion?" Ryan replies, "George Michael." -Mike is in LA this week. I bring him to Cinespace, Tuesday evening. Ron spots me and heads over to say hi. I introduce Mike. I go, "This is Mike. We dated in High school. Ron looks at Mike and says, "I wish I dated Sarah Morrison in High School." -I have been getting a lot of hate mail this week, from weird unattractive dudes on MYSPACE. Hate mail from weird unattractive dudes on the INTERNET means only one thing: someone is talking about me on a crappy message board, somewhere. The gentlemen and their messages call me ugly, then stupid logically. There are several tactics to use when responding to hate mail. You either do no respond, post it for everyone to enjoy, or come up with some clever mass response. I have chosen option 3. I now inquire to each, "I hope writing messages to attempt to *hurt* people over the internet is not just something you see as a "hobby," but gather a "mission from god." -One of the new busboys is very confused as to how I live without the consumption of meat. I am listing things I can eat. I get to pizza, when I confuse him. He informs me pizza has pepperoni on it. I try to explain that it does not have to. He asks, "Is it like salad pizza?" I nod and say, "It IS like salad pizza.." -I hear our waif-ish bartender bitching about her weight again. She shrieks, "I would die if I weighed 130 pounds." I inform her I weigh 130 pounds. She does not believe me. I try to explain that I am 5'9 and if I did not, it might be a little concerning. This still alarms her. -I get a few Myspace messages today informing me the Mama Stone Vintage website is not working. I call Melissa to tell her. She informs me she has not looked at the site in months. She then says, "Ok, I am writing a note to myself. It says website does not work." -Gina and I are sitting in Dan's room when Spencer starts knocking on the glass door that leads to the patio. Gina and I are talking and want Spencer to go away. Gina yells to him, "Hold on Sarah, Dan, and I are having a threesome." She is sitting at the computer and sort of monotone says, "Dan put it in my mouth." I am lying on the bed. I add in a similar tone of voice, "Dan, come on my face. Gina goes, "No, in my mouth." Spencer simply states, "You know I can see both of you." -Hush Hush is tomorrow night Friday April 6th at Cinespace. Djs Gina Turner, Dan Oh, Skeet Skeet, Royal Rumble, Nytel, Godollars, and Aaron Castle. Ronysphotobooth should make an appearance. Jacob and I will be there too. 2/1 drinks 10-10:30. There will be lots of dancing and lots of mayhem. It is 10$ if you are underage. See you tomorrow kids. -The "I want to be Sarah Morrison When i Grow Up" t-shirts are being printed this week. Get siked. They will be for sale on here and at the No Star website. My dad already reminded me hates tight shirts and to get him one in XXL. Best Week Ever: March 30th "Fred Savage still probably knows Topanga" -Our office at work is the size of a bathroom and looks sort of like a cross between a boiler room and a janitorial supply closet. Our chef comes in one day, while I am in the office. He looks around and remarks that we should try to get on some make over show where they redo our office. He goes, "You guys should be on America's Most Fucked up Office. You will totally win." -He then starts thinking about the contest at hand. He adds, "There is probably an office way more fucked up than this, with like someone in a freezer." -Steve Aoki tries to start another fight with me, Sunday night. He is trying to be an asshole and I am sort of tuning him out. He then goes, "I just want to know why you tell people I fired you. You do not work for me" I shrug and reiterate, "Because you tried to fire me and I do not work for you. He is still going on about how so many people ask him about "firing Sarah Morrison." I simply state, "It is in my blog." He then gets all worked up and asks me why it is in my blog. I look at him and reply, "Because it is funny." -I have some checking account overdraft incident this week, after I set up some automated payment with a credit card company that I forget about. I receive close to 200 dollars in overdraft fees. It is fun to watch each Starbucks charge for 5 dollars become 40. I call my bank to see if they can waive some of the fees. I inform the gentlemen on the phone that I never do things like this. He then pulls up my account history and informs me that my account has been over drafted three times. This means that they will not reimburse me, due to my poor standing with the bank. I inform him the overdrafts were probably back in the 1990s. I go, "I have had this bank account for 12 years. This is only thing I have had for twelve years and have not lost yet." He tells me to have a good day. -Stuart lends me ten dollars. I need 8 dollars for parking I may spend the other two as I please. I actually had never been to the Dollar Store. I got some sort of frozen pizza, a bag of chips, and a Kit Kat all for 2.25. -Sergio gets in trouble and is sent home from work. He tells me it inspired him to clean his room. His room is a disaster of dirty dishes and dirty clothes. He does the dishes and laundry. This impresses me. I suggest he come clean my room, next. I go, "My room is full of clothes and takeout boxes. You won't have to do dishes because I do not own any." -I have Stuart watch my video blog on exercise. He nods and informs me it was pretty good. I add, "I should have been on the debate team in high school. Stuart nods, "Yeah that would have worked out well. The other team would have no idea what you said because you talk so fast. They would just assume they won." -A boy I know informs me a bunch of his girl friends were shopping at Forever 21 in Orange County. A girl shopping nearby held up some dress to show her friend. Her friend remarked, "That's totally something Sarah Morrison would wear." -I announce, "Stuart, Star and I are going to do a cable access show. Aren't you excited?" He shakes his head, "Not really, but I am excited for your campaign video for those boys' high school election." -Fred Savage leaves a message looking to make reservations at my work. Sergio and I grab one of the bussers, pull him over to the phone, and force him to listen to the message. He goes, "Call him back and tell him to bring Topanga." Sergio tries to explain that Fred Savage's brother was on Boy Meets World. I stop him and go, "Fred Savage still probably knows Topanga." -I have the new Blackberry 8800 that almost no one has. Jacob looks at it confused and asks, "Where did you get that?" I tell him where. Still in awe, he adds, "Steve went down there to try and get one. They said they did not have them, yet." I smile and shrug, "I have something Steve Aoki doesn't have!" -I borrowed the Departed from Sergio this week. He asks me how I liked it. I tell him I cried through the entire thing. He looks at me confused. I go, "It was about Boston. It made me homesick." He nods, "The Departed made you homesick." I shrug. Best Week Ever: March 2nd " I see Jason Stewart at least twice a week. Each time I see him I tell him how much I miss him." -Melissa calls me last week to inquire why Britney Spears shaved her head. I am usually up on most gossip, so I am a logical choice for such a question. Unfortunately, I am busy at work and am unaware of the situation. I try to get more information out of Melissa, with no success. She tells me she has been watching all the celebrity news shows, but all they are tallking about is Anna Nicole. She adds, "If Anna Nicole had not died, we would know why Britney shaved her head." -I meet some gentleman at Lax. We get into a conversation about what each of us does for a living. In LA fashion, he tells me what he wishes he was doing. In my fashion, I tell him what I actually do. He has landed himself a gig in the mailroom at some talent agency, in hopes to working his way to the office floor. He then asks me what I wanted to be when I was seven years old. I tell him I wanted to be an illustrator for children's books. He abruptly informs me, "At seven, I knew I wanted to be a Hollywood agent." -Due to the fact I go to work at noon, usually work until ten-ish, and then end up at some nightclub until three am, I have lately found it a struggle to remember where I parked my vehicle when my day began. There have been nights where Dan or others have driven me around from lot to lot and up and down streets trying to jog my memory. Finding a vehicle you parked 13 hours prior is a very difficult task. I have lost my car at the mall at least 5 times, I can count. No one is ever at the mall longer than two hours. -I am forced to be out and about most nights of the week, at various clubs and parties. There was a day when Mark the Cobrasnake was the only party photographer around. You sort of knew where he would be and when. You dressed a little cuter and smiled a little more, and tried to look a little less intoxicated. These days, everyone is Cobrasnake. There is some sort of party photographer at every night I end up at. I have gotten to the point where I throw my hands up in the air or a purse in front of my face encouraging them to leave me alone. A girl i know is next to me last night as I do this once again. I explain the scenario to her and she sympathizes. I add, "I feel like I am like the indie-rock Britney Spears." She then encourages me not to shave my head. -There is some sort of management meeting at cinespace where they decide I should walk around collecting people's emails for our email list. I look less than thrilled and attempt to avoid the task by frequenting the bathroom and such. We have a new manager who does not know me very well. He informs me that he will give me an extra "shift drink." (I am given one per shift which I rarely partake in. So now I am being offered two) I remind him that I arrive at work at noon. At 11pm, I want to leave cinespace. I do not want to stay and drink. He sort of thinks for a moment and suggests free meals. At this point, I inform him that I am a vegetarian. I tell him I only work for cash. He wanders off to "think about it." -I tell Stuart how the new manager offered me drinks to collect emails, at night. I go, "He was talking to me like I was 5 years old or Sergio. (My hostess counterpart, with an affinity for men and drinking) Stuart recaps, "So he was talking to you like you were a little gay boy?" I nodded. -I encounter a presumably gay boy entering the girls at bathroom at cinespace. I direct him to the men's room, and he declines. He replies, "I am like half girl." Then I try to tell Stuart. Stuart does not want to handle the situation.. He suggests I interrupt my manager Cory out of a meeting to deal with it instead. I explain the scenario the to Cory in front of the room of people he is meeting with. He sort of roles his eyes. He inquires, "Stuart, told you to get me?" I shrug, "Stuart is like half girl too!" -Today is Megan's last day at work. I get all weird when leaving and tell her how much I am going to miss her. She sort of rolls her eyes, telling me she is still going to see me still. I acknowledge that. I add, "I see Jason Stewart at least twice a week. Each time I see him, I tell him how much I miss him." -Stuart is looking at a Myspace profile of a boy we both know. I opt to discuss the insanity that said boy has an eyebrow ring, in a decade that is not the 1990s. He is the only person I can think of that has one in this day in age. Stuart agrees. Then I start to think and realize, "Ian our security guard had one, so that's two!" Stuart sort of alarmed listens. I then shriek, "And, Fergie has one, that's three!" -My legs hurt and I opt to sit on a barstool, tonight at work. I discover one of our newest female bartenders talking to our Marketing Director. I hear shrieks of "head shot" and audition" repeatedly, without emotion on my part. After our marketing genius ventures on, I turn to her and inquire, "So you are an actress, too?" She asks me naively who else at our place of employment acts. I inform the girl, "Everyone, but me." -The new night in Hollywood is Trash and Diamonds@ the Social on Wednesdays, without a doubt. To make any night the "new night in Hollywood," you need me as your door girl. So, Wednesday evening was amazing. If you missed it, come next week! The door was a little chaotic, due to the Socials security team of giant Russian dudes. The security mafia became overwhelmed by the crowd of people looking to get in. They had no other tactic but screaming "Move" repeatedly, when it came to crowd control. This did not seem to work. They then huddled and convinced one another I (the door girl with the list) was the problem. Instead of moving people into line formations, they opted to send me inside for increments of 5-10 minutes. To the confused giant Russian dudes, I was some sort of human magnet. I guess I sort of am. Best Week Ever: February 23th " I made out with Mark "TheCobraSnake!" -Our accountant asks me Monday morning why I am wearing hospital bracelets. I inform him that I went to the emergency room Saturday. He then asks me why I am still wearing them. I reply, "For sympathy." He informs me it is not really working. -Some girl writes me a Myspace comment informing me that I come off as a huge overly conceited bitch, but she spelled conceited "conceded." -I realize that I am overbooked and really tired. So I prioritize my commitments this week, and eliminate some of the less favorable ones. I am informing one of the gentlemen I work with that I am going to try to get better at saying no to things He inquires what exactly I am talking about and goes, "What, like sex?" I explain the situation then finish with, "But, I am still saying yes to sex, drugs and alcohol." -I am accosted by Matt to deal with an intoxicated girl in the bathroom at LAX. I do inquire to Matt how exactly I was brought into the situation. Matt does inform me she was yelling "Steve Aoki," and I was the first person he encounters that knew Steve. I do my best to deal with the drunk girl, due to the fact I had met her once prior when she informed me she loved my blogs. I sit her up, get her sort of together, then my line of questioning ensues. I ask her who she came with, where her friends are, and where she lives. She does not speak for at least ten minutes as she throws up, she finally mutters, "I made out with Mark "TheCobraSnake!" With that, I call Mark Hunter and he spends the rest of his evening with me, an underage drunk girl, and the ladies bathroom at LAX. -Some sort of telemarketer type calls cinespace asking to speak to a waiter or waitress for some survey thing. I inform her we are only open for dinner, so there is no one that fits that description in the building the moment. She then asks me if tomorrow morning would be a good time to call back. I tell her it would be perfect. -One of the gentlemen I work with tells me he likes the dress I am wearing. I tell him that I had two dudes approach me wondering how much my services cost on the walk to work that morning. I add, "In Hollywood being asked if you are a hooker by more than one person is really the measure of a successful outfit." -I am on the phone with Dora. I tell her I have to go because I about to go clean out my truck out. I tell her this is due to the picture of its interior that appeared on Cobrasnake this week. -Spencer is drunk and arguing with some guy at Dan's birthday party. I opt to listen to the conversation when I hear Spencer yell, "You know what dude you might as well be hunting for berries with a pet hawk!" When I ask Spencer how the argument began, he informs me the guy doesn't have a Myspace account. -I find the Camel girl, Tuesday evening. I am waiting patiently for it to be my turn to get free cigarettes. A non-smoking boy I know approaches me and opts to remind me that smoking "causes Cancer then kills people." I reply to him, "It is better to stand in line and wait for free Cancer than to stand in line waiting to pay for Cancer!" -My mom goes to New York for the weekend to visit her best friend Tory. She calls me to tell me how much fun she had. She says that they went shopping in Soho. Each time they went in a store Tory would ask the girls working if they read Nylon magazine. When then said yes, she then would point at my mom and go, "Her daughter is on page 52." All those C and Ds in Biology and Algebra sounded forgiven. -Eric interned at Dim Mak records this summer. He had to go back to college in the fall. Florin interned next. He was here from early fall and just left in January. Due to college break and whatnot, Eric has been up and around Hollywood lately. I pull Jacob (the Dim Mak records bus boy, mascot, and Renaissance man) aside one night at LAX when he is hanging out with Eric and ask, "Come on Jacob, pick one: Florin or Eric?" Jacob looks at me alarmed and goes, "Sarah, that's like saying "Come on Jacob, pick one: mom or dad!" -I am on the phone with one of my friends at work. I am giving them the rundown of my day. I detail: "I am at cinespace all day, I work the screening tonight, I am going to see Stuart play guitar, then I am aiming to be at the Social by midnight." I then add, "I slept for three hours last night. I am like a Power Puff girl." -Miss Uffie is in from Paris, this week. Having her around has sort of made this week. Having her around, may be the reason I have not slept in days. Sometimes I forget I am not 19. She plays at cinespace Tuesday. Then has a second show Wednesday night. Stuart is asking me how the Uffie thing at the Social went.. I inform him that Rockstar Vodkas were 15 dollars. He then asks me how many I had. I tell him that I had two, but then some guy bought me one. He inquires about who "some guy" is. I shrug, "He was taking photos of me." Stuart starts laughing, then tries horriblely to imitate me and says, "I don't know. He is making the next Sarah Morrison doll!" -I am not one for advertising, but here we go. I am hosting this party at LAX(Hollywood and Las Palmas) this Sunday. Its those Madden boys from Good Charlotte, Lauren Flax (Nyc) and my friend Ms Gina Turner DJing. I am hosting this amazing and super fun dance party. COME! Go to the door dude say you are with me and no cost AND no line wait. SWEAR! Go right up to the door guy, ignore the line, say you friends with Sarah Morrison, then you should get RIGHT Best Week Ever: February 16th " Sarah, he reminds me of a Jewish grandfather, who is always on vacation in Tampa." -I am no longer doing the door on Tuesday at cinespace, due to some budget cuts. I am instead socializing upstairs. I am telling this to a boy I know early Tuesday evening. He remarks, "If I walk in and some new girl tries to make me pay I am going to go, "Be careful, you are doing the job of a legend." -Wednesday at work is sort of chaotic and I do not think I even sat down for more than five minutes, in the twelve hours I was there. As I run around putting finishing touches on the tables before dinner, Stuart stops me, put his hands on my shoulders and tells our owner Dave, "We really got our money's worth out of Sarah today." -On Valentines Day, Sergio and I spend the evening sitting happy romantic couples for dinner. He asks me where Stuart was going. I tell him that Stuart had made "reservations for 3" late this afternoon. He is taking out the girl he likes and one of her friends. Sergio shakes his head in disappointment and says, "Poor Stuart, it is like he is wearing a glove with too many fingers." I look at Sergio confused and ask him if he just made that up. He insists it is some sort of real saying. Then goes, "Ok, maybe Stuart has two hands and one glove?" I shrug. -Stuart is trying to decide on his DJ name. I think his idea is stupid. I tell him to run it by Megan, so she will agree with me. I instruct Megan to listen to Stuart and we will see if she laughs or smiles. Megan announces, "That's not fair I always laugh when I look at Stuart!" -Ryan informs me we should make one of those pacts where if we reach a certain age and are still not married, we marry each other. I agree to it. He then expresses concern for me taking his last name because of all my internet fans. I suggest, "I will hyphenate your last name or put it in parentheses and have it be silent!" -Another boy I know is complaining about the removal of me from cinespace's Tuesday night door. He says, "You are like the icon of Tuesday night!" I shake my head, "No I am like the mascot." -I complain that my eyes hurt and keep pointing out how one of them is really swollen to my coworkers Friday evening. People sort of ignore me. I wake up Saturday covered in hives with my right eye completely swollen shut. I tried to go to the doctors, but they send me to the ER. So I spend Saturday at the Emergency Room. I am not sure what is funny about this, but my friends will tell you that this is not the first time I have ended up in the ER because my eyes swelled shut. That, I guess is probably the sort of funny part. -I am talking to a DJ I know about another DJ I have been working with and I don't really enjoy. The likeable DJ is going on about how said DJ is nobody. He goes, "I am a real DJ. I go to other cities to DJ. Next week I am going to Phoenix!" -People ask me about "my type," in regards to dating. I am always sort on speechless. I like and have liked the strangest array of boys ever. I am telling Gina about the latest boy I like. I try to defend the situation and begin discussing his merits. She is still confused. She goes, "Sarah, he reminds me of a Jewish grandfather, who is always on vacation in Tampa." -I am hanging out with a sort of intoxicated boy I know, Thursday night. He is telling me how much he enjoys me. He adds, "You are Leigh from Misshapes, but hotter." I shake my head no, "That's like telling some "regular girl" she is prettier than Angelina Jolie!" -Dora comes to my work the other night. Megan is behind the bar and asks Dora if she wants anything. Dora inquires, "Do you have anything for cramps?" Megan hands her a beer. -I try to put together a party in 24 hours. It did not go as well as planned. I decide to shut down a little after eleven, though others thought we should give it more time. I storm into the office and tell Megan, "Maybe this isn't my calling. Maybe I should find a new career plan." Megan rolls her eyes, "Is this where I have to tell you that your parents' divorce was not your fault?" I add, "They are still married. Are you telling me they are going to split-up?" -Gina calls me to tell me she is walking to Kmart. The Kmart she is referring to is no where near her house. I sort of think she will realize this and turn back. Apparently, she gets there 4 miles later. She calls me to see if I can pick her up. I am on the phone with Brooke for a half or more, while in the car driving to get Gina. Brooke and I are about to end our conversation. I then add, "I do want to say that I am still driving and she somehow walked here." Best Week Ever: February 9th " Best Week Ever sucks this week because I am using my actual "memory."" -Mark Hunter receives an email from Canada that reads, "Sarah Morrison is the coolest girl ever and you are the coolest boy." I think this is like Canadian prom queen and king. -I hire Jacob to do my door Friday night. Steve Aoki drops him off and pulls me aside to inquire if I am paying Jacob. I roll my eyes at him and refuse to address the question. He then tries to tell me that he is like "Jacob's manager" I roll my eyes again, "No, you are like Jacob's dad" -We are having some sort of Madonna record release party at work. Sergio is thoroughly enjoying himself. One of the bussers asks me why Sergio likes Madonna so much. He does not seem to understand the Madonna phenomenon He inquires, "Is it because she has been around for so long? I shrug, "Maybe it is her music" Then another one of our bussers adds, "I asked him one time. He told me it was just because he is gay." -I go to LAX Sunday night after work and do not see Danny, but Jacob doing the door. I had only two evening prior given Jacob his first door gig. I go, "Jacob's second door gig! No one even called me for a reference." He replied, "They aren't paying me." -I tell Stuart that I am having a really good day Tuesday. I inform him that I got a new apartment, a raise, and then tell him to guess the third thing. He goes, "And you. Got a boyfriend?" I roll my eyes, "I could not do all of that in one day." -My great day Tuesday is ruined when I and everyone else is fired by a drunk nameless DJ. Supposedly some of arrangement is being worked out. But, I would bring your five dollars when you come Tuesday. -There is quite the "incident" last Tuesday night. A boy I know and one who is a little crazy get into this fight. The one in question goes a little nuts and takes off. I am on my way to work when I see the less than sane individual on the corner of Ivar looking like he rolled out of a gutter, in the clothes he wore the evening prior. I call Jacob to express my fear. Steve gets on the phone telling me to park somewhere else. He then tells me not to make eye contact with the individual in question because he may rape and kill me. I tell Brynne, "There's something about Steve Aoki informing you before noon that you may be may be raped and killed that really sets the tone for any Wednesday in Hollywood!" -Stuart and I opt to watch the cameras from Tuesday night for fun, Wednesday afternoon. Initially to watch an altercation occur between some boys we know. I start to just get into it. He leaves, goes to the bank and returns, "I point at the camera and announce, "I have been talking to Trevor and Rony outside for 25 minutes and am still talking." -My phone broke Thursday. It broke immediately after I began crying on the phone with Russ, left work, and attempted to call my new landlord to try and go sign the lease for my apartment. I am not one to reveal my secrets. Best Week Ever sucks this week because I am using my actual "memory." -One of the waitresses at work is also a singer. She is really good too. She tells me she is excited at the prospect of making a video about me and that I may put it up on my page. She tells me she is just going to sing one of her songs and for the intro state, "Sarah Morrison likes this, so you will too." -My new phone is very complicated. I try to find anyone who owns it or anyone who knows anyone who owns it to show me how to use it. The only person anyone seems to come up with is Mark Hunter, who is in Australia. I sort of give up and figure I will just answer it when it rings. Due to some sort of touch screen function, I am unable to do so. I have managed to figure out how to make phone calls to those who have just called informing them, "I have no idea how to answer my phone." Best Week Ever: February 2nd "I do not want to read about this on the internet tomorrow." -I am entering credit cards manually in the bar computer for hours on end, while Sergio and Stuart just stand there drinking. I get cold and ask Stuart to get me my sweatshirt. He returns with a scarf. I then ask Sergio to get me my sweatshirt. He brings me my phone. Finally, I am warm. -I receive a Myspace message from a girl informing me that her and a friend were talking about something when her friend remarked "I swear to god!" She informed her that God may not be in fact real, and that she should swear to something more tangible like "Sarah Morrison." -For those of you that call me, you are familiar with my voicemail message which details the fact that I am unable to come to the phone using internet acronyms like "BRB" and "TTYL" among ten other sort of questionable ones. I have been calling apartments lately, hoping to solve my homelessness dilemma. I receive a voicemail message from what I will presume is some older landlord lady which states, "I do not understand your language. We need local references." -Sergio is late again. This time he is really late and after we had discussed it at length. My manager decides that Sergio is not allowed to drink for two months. I see Jason later that evening and retell the story. He comments that this is not going to encourage Sergio to arrive on time. I agree. He goes, "They should give Sergio a drink every time he is on time." -I arrive at the Dim Mak office last night and Hoon reaches in his pocket and pulls out a Red Sox pen and asks me if it belongs to me. Confused, I tell him it does and inquires how he knew it was mine. He shrugs, "You are the only girl I know from Boston and the only girl I know that needs a pen at cinespace." -I have been having these dreams about this boy I know. I get to the point that they are reoccurring approximately twice a week. So, I opt to tell him due to the fact this is the only known way to make reoccurring dreams end. Then I end up kissing him last night. I came home, went to sleep and had another dream. I am out of ideas. -The boy in question is kissing me in the hallway at a party. I keep turning around to see if anyone is watching. He keeps telling me to stop and informs me no one is paying any attention. In my defense, I respond, "I do not want to read about this on the internet tomorrow." -The boy I kiss keeps telling me to slow down. After the third time he says it, I stop look at him, and announce, "I talk fast and I kiss fast. This is not new to me. Every boy I have kissed since the age of 15 has said the same thing. I am probably not going to change." -Stuart is debating about using my truck to move stuff this week. He looks in the bed of the truck and the trash that has accumulated. He inquires, "Why don't you clean this out?" I look at him blankly and respond, "Because it is dirty and I don't want to touch it." -I have been kicked out of my apartment. Due to the fact I have no time, I am unable to solve my dilemma. My mother calls me today at work to inquire about the apartment search. I inform her of the above. Like most who I have posed my dilemma to, she also has no solutions to offer me, my belongings, or the belongings that also need to be relocated that belong to Melissa, who now lives in Texas. I tell my mother, "I have begun to understand the cycle of homelessness. When you work all day and all night, you do not have time to look for apartments." -Megan comes in to work this afternoon and asks how last night went. I debate about revealing some of the dramatic stories of the evening and settle on, "Stuart and I got in a fight. Then we hugged and made up." -Friday night is our party Hush Hush at cinespace. DJs Young Americans, Royal Rumble, Dan-Oh, Trevor "Skeet Skeet", and me making sure everyone lives through the night. 2 for 1 drinks 10 to 10:30, so come early. Ronysphotobooth and Cobrasnake Ron will be capturing the fun. Oh, and be nice to Jacob. I am making him work the door. -According to most polls, Stuart is slightly adorable. I personally find that he ruins every single photo with me, or otherwise by throwing up "peace signs." If you are unfamiliar with this ridiculous phenomenon check it out on Stuart's page. I may have taken most down, due to how dumb he looks, unfortunately. He is convinced my annoyance has started a trend. Weird girls all over LA are doing it. I volunteered to go through cobrasnake photos to prove him right/ wrong He informed me, "It is everywhere, not just Cobrasnake." Best Week Ever: January 26th "I decided for my new resume, I am going to make stuff up. I am going to say I am the real writer of Sarah Morrison's Best Week Ever." -Kevin Peckham" -I receive a Myspace message this week from a gentleman informing me he enjoys my writing. He goes on to tell me I am beautiful. He then suggests I go into acting. He thinks I should pursue my career in a way similar to that of Tina Fey. He goes on to tell me how much he enjoys my friend Dana DeArmond's fetish videos. Then he recommends I do one with her. -I receive a message from a girl I went to high school with telling me she had seen my interview in this month's Nylon. She tells me that she showed the article to one of her coworkers. The coworker inquired if she had in fact "sat at my lunch table." The girl informs me that she was was unsure, but did remember me showing her my nipple ring in a bathroom at a party in Vermont once. In my defense, it was the 1990s. -I run up from the door Tuesday night to get drinks for Stuart and myself. One of the security guys tells me that some girl named Bethany was looking for me. She told him she knew me. I shrugged, "Everyone thinks they know me." He goes on, "I told her to go look for you in the back." I look at him confused and remark, "It's Tuesday. I am downstairs on Tuesdays." He adds, "That's why I told her to go look for you in the back." -Some girl comes in the door, Tuesday evening. When I inform her she is to pay me 5 dollars to get in, she rolls her eyes. She tells me she waited to get in for half an hour. She then goes on some rant about how she is never coming again. I simply respond, "Oh ok. Bye!" -Frank a friend of mine from Boston, sends me a message entitled "Your old apartment." In it is a link to a news story in the Boston Herald. Upon reading the story, I discover one of the apartments Bettie and I used to live in has been recently being used as a gay whore house. The Boston police staked the place out and discovered the entire apartment had been converted into a gay sexual Disneyland with swings and other contraptions. This was (and still is) the nicest cutest apartment I have ever lived in. I told my mom I might move home, due to the fact it is probably for rent. -I am on the phone with Brooke. She is in the Salt Lake airport waiting to get on a flight for Denver. I have to do some stuff at work and inform her I will call her in an hour or so when I am through. Not even an hour and a half later, I call Brooke back. She tells me she is in a rental car driving to Denver. Startled and confused I sort of yell, "What?" She sighs and calmly responds, "Of all people, I thought you would understand." -Our first party Hush Hush at cinespace is a huge success. The next one is this coming Friday February 2nd. I am in a meeting at work where we are discussing it. Dave, one of our owners, informs me that he has something to tell me. He goes on to tell me that Stuart is going to be DJing in the lounge during happy hour through when my promotion begins. He goes on to ask me if I will have a problem with this. I laugh, and inform him I do not. I tell him, "Stuart is my favorite DJ." -Gina and Dan, Hollwood's new "it" couple, have been DJing Thursday's at Holly's on Wilcox. The first week had maybe ten people. Two weeks ago the bar had roughly forty. They put me on last night as the host of the evening. We completely packed the place. I text Stuart to inform him of the turnout, since he had attended one of the less than thrilling evenings a few weeks back. I go, "I should have majored in bringing people from the internet to parties." -Dirty Dave points out a girl and her horrendous style to me last night, for us to pick apart. He goes, "I am over girls with mullets." I add, "It was cool in Boston in 1999. I don't know why it is still cool." I then realize what I just said. I sort of shake my head, get it together and remark, "Wait, it is still not cool." -Brooke asks me if I have read Yobeat, lately. For those who are not familiar with Yobeat.com, it is the website Best Week Ever started on and still runs on. It is the home to stories that make fun of extreme sports (mainly snowboarding) and make fun of life in general. She tells me that Kevin has written a piece where he talks about making fake resumes and with a variety of untrue job experience to make himself seem more exciting. "I decided for my new resume, I am going to make stuff up. I am going to say I am the real writer of Sarah Morrison's Best Week Ever." -Kevin Peckham -I do not have my MasterCard. This is due to the fact it was maxed out and I then let Ron use it to try to open a locked door at the Dim Mak office, one night. Since I do not have my credit card number, I am asked 300 questions each time I call. Usually, I list my Social Security number, address, date of birth, and phone number and am granted the ability to make a payment. This time I am asked the above, then my mother's maiden name, and then my pet's name. I sigh and go, "Her name was Kiki. She is dead." The customer service representative gets a little awkward and suggests I change it. "I respond, "I don't want to." -I am manually entering credit cards into the computer at work, this evening. I am using the bar computer. I have to sort of block out what is going on around me. I am doing well until Stuart and Sergio find it unable to continue speaking to one another and find they must speak to me. I ask them to stop approximately 40 times. Then Stuart begins throwing ice cubes at me. I turn around and tell them that I am working. I go on to remind them that they are drunk and need to let me work. Stuart shrugs and goes, "Well, I am not on the clock." I look at Sergio who is. He tries to think for a second then announces, "And, I am on a break!" I roll my eyes and go back to what I was doing. Best Week Ever: January 19th "I love Sarah Morrison after 2 am." -Sergio the other "hostess" at my place of employment has worked at cinespace for four years. He is trying to convince me to do bottle service for him one evening that I am not scheduled. I have plans and have no desire to help him out. He is begging me to cover his night. I tell him just to tell management he can not come in. He goes, "I can't. They are going to fire me." I look at him blankly and inquire why exactly. He informs me, "I have been late…for four years." -I go into work Monday on Martin Luther King Day and find the door locked. I am hitting the buzzer and realize Stuart is not there. I call Megan, one of the girls who works with me to inquire about Stuart's whereabouts. She does not know either. I go, "Does Stuart think he is black?" -Melissa and I are trying to figure out a way to get a copy of February's Nylon mag, due to the fact that it is mid January we are finding this task difficult. She tells me she just signed up for a subscription and it may have come to her house. She is about to call her boyfriend to ask him to check the mail when she pauses and inquires, "What day is it today? July or January?" -I used to love television, before I started working nights and found myself never home to watch the shows I love. My favorite show 24, had its season premiere Sunday night, while I was at work. By some chance, we were closed Monday and I end up home to watch the second installment of this event. I voice my concern to Melissa that I have missed all of last season and have no idea what is going on. She states, "All you really need to know is that Jack is sick and tired of helping America." -During 24, there is this crazy scene where Jack kills Curtis. It is a very Sophie's Choice moment. He has to kill someone. (dot dot dot) He starts freaking out after he shoots Curtis. I start freaking out after he shoots Curtis. Melissa looks up from her laptop and reassures me, "Curtis will be fine. I am sure he either has a movie to go do or his contract with Fox was up" -I am in February's Nylon. Check it out! I am one of five coolest nightlife girls ever. Mark "thecobrasnake" Hunter interviewed me a while back. I forgot about it until I started receiving Myspace comments from girls informing me they had seen me in Nylon. Due to the fact it was so long ago, I know longer remember what I had said .So I started a mad search to find a copy of the publication. I asked the Waffles and Falafels gang if they had a subscription. They told me they did, but had not yet received February's issue. Still brainstorming I go, "I bet Cory Kennedy has one. I am going to call her." They responded, "Cory Kennedy has everything. We are a couple of days behind here in Canada, which mean we are years behind her." -I am trying to tell Gina some secret stuff about a boy, at the Dim Mak office at 3 am Tuesday night. When I realize everyone in the room is listening to me, I start to talk really fast and in codes so no one but Gina understands me. At this point, Steve Aoki announces, "I love Sarah Morrison after 2 AM!" -Someone calls and inquires if we have his credit card. I look through the box and inform him we do not have it. Once I hang up the phone, Stuart asks me what the gentleman's name was. I tell him. He then grabs the credit card box and starts rifling through it. I look at him and simply go, "Fuck you." Stuart gets all worked up that I swore at him. I simply state, "I went to college I know how to read." -Gina and Dan have been trying to make this Thursday night at Holly's happen. It is a great venue and the DJs spinning are awesome. Gina tells the crowd at the Dim Mak office about the night. She then informs everyone that I would be hosting the night. Everyone sort of turns to be waiting for me to say something. Since, I had heard nothing of this until this very moment, I simply state, "I will be doing shout-outs." -I inform my roommate that I would like to move to Hollywood in the coming months. He decides that I should go next week. So I am being evicted or something. He only text messaged me this sentiment. Then he text messaged me some sort of total of what I owed him in bills. I did not respond. So Pat: If you are reading, I will post here next week what you owe me for my storage unit and hotel I am staying in."(If you want me to live with you, apply within." -Stuart informs me he has solved all my problems and found me somewhere to live. I tell him to go on. He then details some sort of 900 dollar guest house that is seventeen foot squared. I look at him blankly. He then goes, "Oh and it is in the valley." -Jacob, everyone's favorite Dim Mak records intern has his birthday a month or so ago. I am called my Russ and Luke seeing if I want to go in on buying him a fake ID. I contribute 30 dollars to the cause. Nothing seemed to transcribe. I than take it upon myself to find Jacob an ID. I deliver it to him the other night, He is more than excited. He calls Luke to tell him about it. He goes, "Sarah found me an ID, and it is awesome." He is still talking to Luke when I lean towards the phone and go, "Luke, I want my 30 dollars back!" -Jason "Them Jeans" Stewart shows up at cinespace the other afternoon. He asks me what I did the evening prior. I tell him I went to the Myspace BPM party. This issue of BPM featured people who were deemed Los Angeles area celebs on Myspace. I tell him who made the magazine. He pauses, "Wait why were you are I not it? I go, "We are too cool for BPM." He adds, "Who needs BPM when you are in Nylon!" -I go into American Apparel the other afternoon, to take Gina on her break. While there, I opt to make a few purchases. I am at the register when I realize I should buy some tights. Gina is ringing up my purchases and the small/medium tights I selected. She informs me that they run really small and I should purchase the medium/large ones. I sort of shrug and understand, due to the fact that I am taller than most girls. I quickly switch them out. I go to put them on last night. I begin to pull them up and reach my waist and realize the tights have more to give. I pull them over my boobs and discover if I cut arm holes I could keep going. We are getting dressed to go out last night at Gina's, I pull them over my boobs and put on a low cut top. Gina wants to leave. She looks at me waiting for me to change. I wear the "tights bodysuit" out to piss Gina off and to see if LA girls really pay that much attention to what I am wearing. If this catches on, Gina gets dollar. -I break the heel on my shoe at work tonight around 9 Pm. I have been at work since noon and am due to leave around ten anyways. I feel like there may be some sort of solution somewhere in the office. No one seems to be able to help me. Around 9:30, I recommend that my manger let me leave, due to the fact that I am limping because of said fashion mishap. He looks at my blankly, rolls his eyes, and then tells me I can't go home. I respond (referencing my hostess counterpart Sergio), "This is not fair4! He gets to leave when he is hungover. This is my hangover." Best Week Ever: January 12th "If you had a penis, I doubt you would be wearing a unitard." -Luke, Stuart and I are doing the door Tuesday night. That Ghost Town DJs song "My Boo" comes on. Stuart calls it a sex song. He then asks me to have sex with him. I decline. -Russ is telling Stuart how I misquoted him last week. Stuart is discussing the fact I allegedly misquote him on a regular basis. He then informs Russ that one time I said I would have sex with Luke if he was wearing a suit. I try to clear up the situation by explaining myself. Neither of them are listening. Russ simply states, "I wore a suit to court once. Is that hot?" I nod and inform him it is. -Russ then goes on to tell us he has been in jail. He adds, "That's hott right? Girls love that stuff. Does it make you want to have sex with me?" I assure him it does, when Stuart chimes in, "I actually just asked Sarah to have sex with me and she said no." -Russ is standing next to me by the DJ booth. He is holding a drink and making some sort of strange movement above the glass with his hand. I look at him confused. He states, "I need a straw." He then adds, "You work here. You should have straws on you." -I inform Stuart I am working in the office again, as of last week. I go, "We can watch John Mayer videos on Youtube together." He adds, "Or better yet, we can watch your videos together and you can make me tell you how funny you are!" -I am walking around the patio one evening after we are closed, picking up abandoned packs of cigarettes and shaking them. One of the bus boys stops and asks me, "Are you really doing that?" I simply state, "I found an almost full pack last week." -I am wearing a unitard underneath my clothes, out the other night. I have to pee really badly, but realize what an ordeal it will be to do so. I inform Gina that there is a whole in the crotch of it due to poor manufacturing. I add, "If I had a penis I could just pee right now." She then goes, "If you had a penis, I doubt you would be wearing a unitard." -I am walking up Ivar and notice the parking ticket Nazi giving every car in sight a ticket for one reason or another. He then begins to get in his car. He goes to start it and the engine won't turn over. I point, laugh, and walk away happy. -I am supposed to model for Mama Stone Vintage. I go out the night prior and am sort of disheveled looking the next morning. I ask Melissa if we can do it the following day instead. She agrees to reschedule. She adds, "Tyra would not vote you off this week. She would just talk to you about models and partying. Then she would give you one last chance, and vote off the short girl." -Sort of well aware of what I am doing, I bend the rules making some reservation at work due to the level of difficulty I was having with the customer. Sergio ends up all worked up by what I did. He goes, "You want to know what I told her? I told her you just started working here and are still unaware of our policies." I laughed and sort of shrugged. -Dan and Gina have sort of liked each other for a while. Lately they have been spending more time together. Dan apparently remarked to Gina, "We are next to each other in Sarah Morrison's Top Eight." -I am informing Sergio that my room is always freezing because the heater is in the hallway. I then reveal to him that I have been sleeping in winter jackets. He suggests I open the door to my room. I add, "I can't because then the dog comes in and licks the crotches of all my underwear and jeans that are on the floor." -My manager at work walks in to the office. Someone remarks that he looks tired and asks if he got enough sleep last night. He tells them he slept too much and that is the problem. He adds, "When I am not here all I do is sleep." I add, "Me too! Well, that and watch reruns of Roseanne and Full House on Nick-at-Nite. He shakes his head and looks at me confused. I add, "Next week Growing Pains joins the line-up." He points at me and states, "Now that is a good show." -I turned my diary into a "blog" of sorts. Check it out.. This week's round-up is coming! Best Week Ever: January 5th "Have you and Stuart done it yet?" -I am at work New Years Eve. One of the boys who works with me remarks how great it is that we have to work on new Years. I simply announce, "Another holiday with all the people I love." -I end up getting out of work around eleven on New Years Eve. So I heard out to parties. I am sitting at Mountain Bar talking to a boy I know. I keep sneezing. I inform him I have no idea why I keep sneezing. He tells me it is because I am drunk. I tell him that I am not drinking. I then add, "Wait why would drinking make me sneeze?" -Ron the other Cobrasnake starts to take a picture of me with a cigarette in my mouth. I try to stop him and remark, "Don't, I am trying to be a role model for the kids." -I run into a boy I know. We may have kissed a few times. He now has a girlfriend. I inform him I stopped drinking. He goes, "That's good for me." -I run into Maggie a little intoxicated one night. She says she has something to tell me. She leans in and whispers, "I am sorry I didn't join your fan club." I tell her i forgive her. -I am standing in front of the Dim Mak office on the phone, where they are attempting to not have a party. Mark moves me so I am not standing in visible sight. He goes, "If you are standing out here people are going to think it is a party." I reply, "No, they are just going to wonder if I am a hooker." -We are getting ready for the Friday night party at cinespace. Russ asks me if Jason is coming. I tell him I am not sure. I go, "I think Stuart is coming." Russ asks, "Have you and Stuart done it yet?" I shake my head. He adds, "I am not good with girls, but Stuart really isn't good with girls." -The party we throw Friday night is more than a success. It gets a little chaotic at times. I am walking out after all is said and done and encounter Jacob on the street. He asks me when we are doing it again. I tell him once a month. He stumbles off the curb and goes, "Once a month? More like four times a month!" -I got this pair of Michael Kors boots that sort of lace up. They are easy enough to get on, but a little difficult to remove. I have slept in them three nights this week. -I have decided I would like to live closer to work. I tell my roomate I want to get a place in Hollywood. We discuss that his girlfriend will move in when I move out. He then writes me a passive aggressive text message saying he decided she would move in February 1st, and that i should start looking for a place. Initially, I was making moves to figure out where I could possible live and what we could go with the massive amounts of Mama Stone Vintage chaos in the back, in two weeks. Now I have just decided to stay and see if he knocks on my door on the first asking me to leave. -I am turning my diary into a blog where I detail my days and nights for the masses. Stay tuned. It is in the works. Best Week Ever: December 29th "I feel like a Mermaid!" -Daphne the dog is eating trash off the floor. I opt to feed her. I go into the closet where Pat keeps the dog food. Half crying, I tell Melissa that there is still cat litter in the closet. She looks down at the dog, as I try not to cry and goes, "Nice job, Daphne!" -Melissa and I are standing at the checkout line in Jasmine Sola on Newbury St. She points to a display of stickers you put over your nipples if you are not the bra wearing type. The package reads "Low lights are for cars." Melissa goes, "Sarah those are for you!" -At the same checkout line, Melissa spots disposable underwear in small convenient packages. She remarks, "Underwear to keep in your purse? It is like oops I just had sex in my car again!" -Leah informs me she started smoking. I get really excited, clap my hands and scream, "Yay!" -Leah, Melissa, and I are sitting in a parked car on the streets of Boston unsure of what we are planning to do next. Leah announces, "Lets go get a drink." Melissa reminds her I stopped drinking. Then they both agree I can just get an O'Douls. -I woke up in my parents' house one morning to women speaking Spanish, outside the room I am sleeping in. When I finally get up, I realize my mother has hired cleaning people. I step out of the room to try and figure out if they are still there. I see a sign on the door of the room all my belonging are scattered in and I had been sleeping in, it reads "Do not clean!" I then opt to take a shower. -I force my mom to go out to eat with me at the Cheesecake Factory. We are waiting for our table. I am sort of just staring at the Cheesecake. A little girl next to me tells me she thinks the chocolate one looks the best. I agree with her. I tell her I love chocolate. She then goes, "I hate cheesecake. It tastes weird." The grown up in me tells to inform her that Cheesecake is not weird. It is good. I then turn to my mom and go, "Cheesecake is so gross." -I am holding my sister's cat. My mom leans over and goes, "Aw Kiki!" I look up sort of startled. My mom realizes what she said. My sister simply rolls her eyes and goes, "Nice job, Mom!" -My sister storms into my parents' house announcing she has Mono. I get excited. I announce, "Hopefully I caught it from her. Then I can stay here for another month and just sleep on the couch and watch movies!" -I take one of those airport shuttles home, the other night. Half way into my ride, I realize I am going to be the last one to be dropped off. After two hours, we are still no where near close to dropping me off. I opt to begin making friends with my Haitian shuttle driver, who moonlights as a cosmetologist. I keep complaining how hungry I am. After we drop off the last customer, we decide to go to Jack in the Box. As we are waiting in line he announces, "You are my favorite passenger." -I am talking to Glen on AIM. I inform him that I am purposely sitting on my phone so someone at work will notice I am doing nothing. They then in turn will tell me I can go home. Glen replies, "Sarah, if I didn't know you. I think I might love you." -I am telling Star I want to move to Hollywood so I can walk to work. She starts giving me the pros and cons of living in Hollywood. She tells me that sometimes you feel like you are too much in the middle of everything. She goes, "At times, I feel like I might wake up and find Cobrasnake taking pictures from my balcony." -I arrive at LAX last night and begin talking to one of the promoters. He offers to get me a drink. I inform him I am trying to be sober and no longer drinking. He then stops and goes, "You smell like weed." I reply, "Well, whatever I am not drinking." -I am standing near the bar last night when some dude starts talking to me. He has no idea why I am not in the least bit interested in what he has to say. He starts going on about how girls are always interested in him. I turn to him and simply respond, "Really?" -We are throwing a party this Friday at cinespace. You should come. It will be the first Friday of every month. Dan and I are discussing it last night. He announces, "Let's have Stuart DJ the next one." I agree. I then add, "I am going to have Stuart DJ my next birthday party. Dan looks at me confused and goes, "Wait, when is your birthday party?" I reply, "September!" -Dana informs me she got extensions. I ask her how she likes them. She announces, "I feel like a Mermaid!" Best Week Ever: December 22nd "I am not sure I would be able to handle Sarah Morrison on Christmas." -I walk into work one night, this week. Stuart looks at me strangely and asks me if I cut my hair. I get nervous. I tell him I just cut my bangs before I left the house. He is still staring at me. I get fidgety and start trying to fix them. I am asking him if they look bad. He is sort of nodding and announces, "They look bad." I turn to Jason and ask him about my bangs. He looks at me awkwardly and shrugs. I start to get all flustered and am trying to fix my hair when Stuart grabs me by the shoulders and announces, "Sarah, when boys tell girls they don't look good, it always means they do!" -I am informing Stuart that in my age I have developed a taste, but more so an appreciation, for men in suits. I start to name several boys I had never looked at otherwise, but when dressed up suddenly became very attractive. He asks me if I think he would look more attractive in a suit. I tell him, "I am not sure. I can not predict who I will find attractive in suits. It just sort of happens." He then points to Luke and goes, "Would you have sex with Luke if he was wearing a suit?" I pause, look at Luke, and announce, "I don't know." Stuart runs over to Luke and screams, "Sarah says he would have sex with you if you were wearing a suit!" -Stuart, Luke, and I only HEAR the music on Tuesday evening, due to the fact we are downstairs sitting at the door. I suddenly go, "Oh it is DJ AM!" Stuart looks at me like I am stupid and informs me it is Steve Aoki DJing. I shake my head and go, "I bet I am right, go look!" Not believing me, Stuart runs upstairs to prove me wrong. He quickly returns to tell me I am right. He then inquires how I knew that. I simply responded, "He is my favorite DJ!" Stuart replies, "I thought I was your favorite DJ?" I add, "Well, he is my favorite DJ, next to you!" -A film producer is talking to Megan, our events coordinator at work one evening, during a screening. Their conversation ends and he heads over to where I am standing and asks me if I had worked on the film. I shake my head and tell him I work at cinespace. He looks at me alarmed and goes, "This place has all the girls huh? I mean Megan, she is a knockout. And you! Well, aren't you just adorable!" He then sort of shook me, as I awkwardly smiled. -I lose my phone at work one evening, sort of intoxicated. Due to my level of intoxication, I am unable to even sort of begin to figure out where I may have left it. Someone eventually finds it sitting on the counter right next to where my purse had been. The next day at work my manager looks at me, smiles, and goes, "Oh look, it is the drunkest girl ever!" -Sergio my hostess counterpart at cinespace is known for his amazing ability to never be on time for work, or anything ever. I am sitting in the office in the middle of the afternoon, when he walks in. I am confused, due to the fact I have never seen him awake before 4pm. My manager is doing some paperwork and without looking up states, "So, you just decided to come to work six hours early to make up for every single time you have ever been late?" -My grandparents have moved into a retirement community (which we later find out is in Western Massachusetts) from their home in Connecticut. I write Melissa a text message saying I can not go shopping with her, due to the fact I am going to Connecticut. We are on the phone trying to reschedule, when Melissa asks me what time I am returning from this trip to Connecticut. I go, "I forgot. They actually do not live in Connecticut anymore. They live in a Retirement Community." Melissa adds, "Oh ok! Obviously they don't live in Connecticut anymore! How could I forget how Retirement homes are states of their own!" I simply add, "More like islands of old people." -I receive a Myspace comment this week that reads, "I want to be just like you when I grown up, except smarter and blonde!" -I meet up with a girl I had been meaning to meet up with for a while. So we are talking about some buisnessish stuff and somehow end up realizing we know a bunch of the same people. All of a sudden she goes, "Have you heard of that girl Dana DeArmond?" I throw my hands up in the air and go, "Dana is a good friend of mine. Please don't say anything bad about her." She shakes her head and goes, "No, I love Dana!" I simply responded, "Oh you do? -Stuart is all excited to tell me that he is coming to Massachusetts for Christmas. He does not really know where in Massachusetts he is going, but after some questioning I figure it out for him. I tell him it is not near Boston, but that I am going to see my grandparents and will be right near by. He pauses and announces, "On second thought, I am not sure I would be able to handle Sarah Morrison on Christmas." -I make friends on my six hour plane ride to Boston today. They are a little drunk when we board. They tell me that they have been hanging out at the airport bar for quite a while. They made a friend at the bar. He apparently is sitting in first class and promises to bring them drinks during the flight. Then the girl turns to me and goes, "Then he asked me if I had any E. Is that weird?" I simply state, "Yes, looking for E at the airport is sort of weird." She nodded. -Our plane finally lands this evening. And I take out my phone to see what I had missed. Sort of disappointed I turn to the girl next to me, "Only one text message and one email that entire time." She shrugs, "It is Christmas Eve." I agree, "I guess people need each other less on holidays!" -My mom calls to tell me she is at the airport. She wants to know if I have gotten my bags yet. I go, "Um not yet. I found a Dunkin Donuts counter on the way to Baggage Claim!" Best Week Ever: December 15th "Tyra says a real model always keeps going!" -Florin, Dim Mak records latest intern is leaving. Everyone is talking about how they do not want him to go. I announce, "Stay and be my intern. You can pick out my clothes, return my Myspace messages, and drive Katrina places!" -Everyone is ridiculously hungover from Monday night's holiday party, Tuesday evening. Megan is confused. She does not understand how people can be hungover at 7pm. I am trying to explain to her how it can happen from time to time. My manager interrupts and simply announces, "It is easier than you think." -A boy comes in the door Tuesday at work. I am collecting money and sort of only half listening to what he is saying. He goes, "You looked really pretty Sunday." I think he is telling me I look really pretty until I hear the word Sunday. I stop what I am doing and look at him and go, "What?" He repeats, "You looked really pretty Sunday…at LAX." I sort of nodded, weirdly smiled and said, "Oh Ok!" -I am in the office getting ready for the evening at work. Dave, one of our owners goes, "Smile, Sarah!" .I pause, point at him, and state, "I am saving the smiles for the customers!" -We get some sort of ridiculous amount of Tab Energy drink delivered to my work. I am looking at it and talking to the delivery boys. I go, "5 calories? They should make someone try to live only on this stuff, for a week." The delivery boys like this idea. I then shrug, "I am not doing a whole lot right now. Come back in a week!" -I am sitting at the podium at the top of the stairs at work, last night. I am greeting people and sort of pointing them to their tables. The top of the podium is broken. I know this because every time you put any pressure on it, the top falls entirely through and so do you. Not really thinking I lean on it. The top falls through, I fall through, and somehow the entire thing goes crashing forward on to the ground. A group of boys are walking up the stairs at this very moment. They appear slightly alarmed. I sort of step over the thing and tell them I am heading them to their table. The boys are remarking on my ability to play it cool. I go, "Tyra says a real model always keeps going!" -Melissa is here this week. Melissa smokes weed all day long and often forgets what she is doing. This includes, but is not limited to, her losing lit cigarettes around the house. She informs me she has switched to smoking American Spirits. I ask her why. She tells me that they put themselves out so they can never start a fire. I go, "Oh good, I feel safer!" -Some drunk dude comes and sits down next to me and begins hitting on me. I am not really paying attention until he says, "Do you think I am handsome?" I look at him sort of confused and go, "Yes?" He then asks, "Are you just saying that?" I nodded, "Yes." -Melissa writes me a text message asking if Chase brought back the stuff he borrowed. I told her he did. She then wrote, "Was it sexy? Did he bring sexy back?" I did not respond. -Stuart comes in last night and informs me he is DJing. I get excited and tell him I am his biggest fan. I then add, "Actually, I think I am your only fan." Best Week Ever: December 8th "Sarah Morrison, I can see your nipples!" -It becomes December 5th or something and my landlord writes me a text message sort of suggesting I give him rent. I check my bank account and discover I have 795 dollars. So I write him a check for 790 dollars and hand him a ten dollar bill that I find in the bottom of my purse. -Brooke informs she is having trouble researching snowboarders because all the sites she is encountering are in German. I tell her that Google has an option to translate websites. I add, "I only know this because when I am bored I Goggle myself. Google translates Italian Teen Vogue's messageboard for me!" -Ben calls me and leaves me a voicemail detailing this story. He is hanging out with some girl he is sort of into. He realizes he needs gas and stops at a gas station to fill up his car. He is selecting the grade of gas to put in his vehicle when his dream date inquires what year of gas he plans on using. He pauses and confused goes, "What?" She then explains to him that the grades of gas represent the year the gas was "made." With this, they had to part ways. -The dog is bothering me one evening. I stop what I am doing, look down at her and remark, "We are never going to be friends unless you turn into Kiki." -Katrina is getting a cell phone. I am signing the paperwork for said telephone. The piece of paper I am filling out has a line that reads "Birth date" then right next to it "Expiration date." I start to laugh and show it to Katrina. She goes, "Oh yay, you get to pick when you want to die!" -Katrina is writing down things I need to do while I am saying them out loud. I state, "I need to re-call Russ." She says, "I am doing to write down confirm with Russ so you sound smarter." -Steve Aoki walks in to cinespace Tuesday and I am collecting money at the door. He points at me, walking by me, and announces, "Sarah Morrison, I can see your nipples!" I wave and go, "Welcome to cinespace! Great to see you, too!" -The only change I am given Tuesday night is ones. I am handing people change for their twenty dollar bills entirely in ones. As I count out fifteen ones for the tenth time, I remark, "Here you go! I was stripping earlier!" -I am standing at the bar one night at work, waiting for a drink. Some dude next to me offers to buy me a drink. So when the bartender comes over, the gentleman orders. I announce, "He is buying me a drink." The bartender hands me the beer I wanted. I whisper to him, "Look I am saving us money!" -I am at the door one night and some dude passing by asks my name. I inform him I do not have one. The security dude working the door only half hears the encounter and inquires, "You don't have a phone?" I shake my head and go, "I don't have a name, of course I have a phone!" -Sean, one of our security dudes and I watch a drunk couple sit on Hollywood Blvd in front of our venue one evening this week. I remark how gross it is that they are sitting there, due to the fact I have watched people puke in that very spot. Sean points to the curb and goes, "I have watched you sit on that curb drunk on Tuesday nights. I have pleaded with you to get up. You just shake your head and tell me to go away." Sort of defeated I go, "I am going home and dry cleaning every single dress I have ever worn on a Tuesday." -The lamest thing in hipster news this week on Gawker is the fact Steve Aoki has a blog. The second lamest thing is a link to this picture of me and Jason "Them Jeans" Stewart is our matching jackets. Gawker calls us "Eskihomos." I sort of agree. Best Week Ever: December 1st "Let's call DJ AM!" -Katrina stays at my house while I am in Portland. She brings Gina over, without prepping her for the condition of my bedroom. Gina looks around at the clothes all over the floor. She then notices the dresser drawers not in the dresser, but on the floor holding clothes. She looked around at the whole set-up or lack there of and goes, "Why is there nothing in the closet." -I am on the plane back to Portland. The pilot comes on and informs us we are approaching Los Angeles and we should put away our electronic devices. The guy in the row across from me doesn't seem so into this. The flight attendant approaches him once asking him to put away his laptop. She then asks him twice, then three times. The third time he sort of starts to fake put it away. She gets all worked up and starts telling him he is breaking federal laws and endangering all the passengers. At this point, he just refuses to put the stupid computer away. She starts freaking out. I lean over and go, "Seriously, dude put it away. I will give you a magazine." He quietly puts the computer under his seat and the worked up flight attendant storms off. -Gina removes Katrina and me off her Myspace "Top 8" this week. She replaces us with Steve Aoki and DJ AM, respectively. -We host a pre-parade party at cinespace, last Sunday. The highlight of the event for the kids who attended was a table full of kids from various hit Nickelodeon shows, signing autographs. I receive a phone call from some child star's mother, after they had headed off to the parade. She was all worked up because her little celeb lost his cell phone, and apparently he has numbers in it that we would die to get. So, I enlist a bunch of kids to run around and look for it. After approximately five minutes, one of the boys goes, "Why are we looking for his phone? It is probably a 3000 dollar phone. It must have a feature where if he loses it, it like runs back to him." I smile, point at him and remark, "I like you!" -The organization putting this pre-parade event is giving out toys to children. Correction, they are giving out Barbie sized Jesus, David, and Moses dolls. The dolls recite Bible passages when you press a button on their back. One of the bussers asks, "Who do you think you have to pay for the rights to use Bible passages? Who the hell is making money off these?" I shrug, "The Catholic Church?" -All my CDs get stolen a while back. Since then, I have only had one CD in my car. It is some Dim Mak records sampler. It has begun to skip. Katrina goes, "Let's call Jacob to get us another one." She then pauses and goes, "Let's call DJ AM!" -We are watching television and some ad for a new Mel Gibson movie comes on. People begin discussing the weirdness that is Mel Gibson. I simply point at the TV and state, "He is like Borat! He hates Jews!" -We are at Jesse's party, Friday night. It gets broken up and we head to another location. I sort of half inform Glen where we are headed. I then tell him to call me. Katrina and I had been there for quite a while, when I decide I should check my phone. It reads "8 Missed Calls." I am remarking that all eight missed calls are from Glen, as he walks in the door. He starts to go into some rant about how many times he called me. I am holding the phone and go, "Look, I will call you back right now." -I write a diary entry about running away. I am telling Katrina about it. I told her how the only thing I brought with me when I ran away was a Spelling Book. She goes, "Ok, I ran away once to my bus stop. What did I bring with me? Um, a pair of pants!" -Stuart is a DJ! Well, Stuart DJs a party at work Saturday evening. He begins to set up at the DJ booth. He informs me that he has a song that he is going to play just for me. I get the sign halfway through his set that my song is coming up. It was that "Do you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain" song. I told him I loved it. -Katrina coat checks Saturday night and makes a lot of money. As she is emptying out her tip jar she goes, "Lets go to a real grocery store tomorrow, not 7-11!" -Ryan the bartender informs me his Improv group is doing a skit on me. Sort of interested, I inquire what it is about. He goes, "Well, it is not necessarily about you but the main character is a disaffected hostess." I inform him to let me know what happens to her. -Katrina and I are wandering around Rite Aid last night. We each have a pile of strange purchases we do not really need. We walk by the liquor section. Katrina announces, "Let's get beer!" I look at her confused and ask why. She shrugs, "Beer is fun! There is nothing else fun to buy." -At work on Tuesdays we have a Svedka Vodka promotion. It involves free Vodka and it makes you drunk. Katrina inquires, "Is there a Svedka Rehab?" I go, "They lock you in the closet that Russ uses as his office at Dim Mak." Katrina adds, "Oh, and they feed you through the bars in the window!" Best Week Ever: November 24th "You are like Pamela Anderson and he is Borat!" -As we walk out of the movie theater, I turn to Kelly, hold up the bottom of my dress, and go, "Look, popcorn juice!" She tells me i am being gross. I remind her that popcorn juice is actually just butter. She then asked me to just call it butter, instead. -A lot of people up here (in Portland) seem to be getting married or engaged, lately. I find the whole phenomenon to be extremely strange. I simply state over dinner one night, "I don't get why people are getting married?" Jamey informs me, "It is because they love each other and they want to have babies." -We watch the movie Elf one night. I remark once it is finished, "I like Christmas movies. They make me happy I am going to start renting more Christmas movies, maybe it will make me happier." -Ashley is excited to see me. She announces, "Let's go to American Apparel tomorrow! Every time I go in that place I am like, "I wish I could afford this stuff. I wish Sarah was here!" I look at her confused, "Ashley that stuff is like 12 dollars, full price." -Brooke is informing a former Yobeat contributor and snowboard photographer extraordinaire that I am in Portland, so "Best Week Ever should be really good this week." He is excited that I am not in LA, and goes, "Tell Sarah we want less "LA," and little more "Boston." -I am having Brooke read some of my creepy Myspace messages one day. She is reading one where the gentleman details how he loves me and feels like he should be in California because of his love for me. Brooke hands me back the laptop and announces, "You are like Pamela Anderson and he is Borat!" -Brooke's coffee maker is broken. Brooke's coffee maker appears to be completely fine, but the button to turn it off and on has somehow been completely removed. Brooke insists she is going to run out and buy a new one. I tell her not to because I want to fix the coffee maker myself. After I was unable to accomplish anything with a pen cap, I then try a knife until I shock myself. So I boil water. I pour the water through a colander lined with a paper towel with coffee in it. By the time Brooke returns with the coffee maker, I am drinking coffee. She was recapping the story on the phone to a boy she knows, he responded, "Sarah should be on Yuppie Survivor." -Brooke is detailing her plans for her Thanksgiving dishes to the staff at Grenade, one afternoon. She begins to list all the dishes she has planned and gets to "hummus." Dave interrupts, "Hummus and Thanksgiving don't really go together." -We are at the Apple store. I point at a sign in front of me and announce, "If no one steals your Ipod, you can trade it in for a newer model!" A teenage girl nearby starts to laugh and asks, "Someone stole your Ipod?" I turn to her, "Two, actually. I wonder if they traded them in for cooler ones." -I am telling Mike how I ran into Travis one night, at my work. Travis and I discuss how high school actually was not that bad, due the amount of losers and geeks we had to be friends with. Most schools only have a few, but our high school had a lot. Mike laughs. I add, "I didn't even have boobs until like seventh grade. (I pause) Wait actually, I still don't have boobs." -Steve Aoki's AIM account gets hacked. I suspect this after I receive several "holla" type messages. I did personally enjoy when the hacker called me "shorty" And, I replied, "I am taller than you." -I am at some convenience store last night buying ice cream and candy and whatnot. The lady is ringing up my purchases and I ask her if I can get a pack of Parliament lights, as well. She simply shakes her head, gives me the total for my purchases, and says "No." I stop sort of startled and say, "Wait, I want cigarettes though. Can I get Marlboro lights or something else maybe?" She looks at me irritated and confused, and goes, "I guess." -We are watching Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera trying not to look completely miserable hosting the Thanksgiving parade this morning, in the rain. I go, "Katie Couric is probably sitting at home, watching this in her pajamas, and like pointing and laughing at the television." -The five year old at our Thanksgiving celebration today gives us a rundown of the gender of all her pets. The cat is a boy, the two dogs are girls, and she is not sure about the fish. She then goes on, "Mom is a girl. Dad is a boy. I am a girl. You are a girl. And, even Brooke is a girl!" Best Week Ever: November 17th "Why doesn't God just shoot me in the face with a hammer!" -Each week, I finish cinespace's update then email it to our owners to proof read and approve, before I post it. Dave, one of our venue's owners happened to be sitting on the patio. So, when I finished this week's update, I simply walked my laptop over and handed it to him. I told him I felt like it seemed silly to email when I could hand deliver it, like in the olden days. He then added, "Really Sarah, I should thank you for saving us on Broadband." -Katrina and I are picking her boyfriend up at the airport. We opt to park instead, of the always interesting curbside pick-up. We decide we are going to smoke weed before walking to the terminal. I then pause and voice my concerns about smoking weed at the airport. Katrina ignores me. I go, "There are probably cameras everywhere." She is still ignoring me. I then announce, "You will see when we go to pay for parking and it is 200 dollars. You will be like, "Wait we were only here a few minutes?" The parking person will say, 'Yeah, well we saw you smoking weed." -Cory Kennedy texts me while we are still at the airport. It reads something like "Tonight LAX! Go it will be sooo fun." I turn to Katrina, read the message out loud, and suggest we write back "Already there! What terminal?" -I inform my roommate Pat that I am going to Portland. I then mumble something about how there is no reason to tell him I am going. "It is not like I have a cat to take care of or anything." I then begin to wander out of the room. Pat announces, "I will tell you why you should tell me you are going to Portland. So, I do not think you are…I don't know DEAD." -Stuart is eating a Pear, at lunch the other day. All of a sudden, he stops and pauses, turns to me and asks, "Am I eating an Apple or a Pear, right now?" I inform him it is a Pear. -I have several boys labeled in my phone as "Don't Pick Up," for various reasons. Lately, calls I have been avoiding have turned from boys to Credit Card companies, due to the fact I have no money to pay them. I finally labeled both MasterCard and Discover as "Don't pick up." Visa has yet to bother me. -I told Mike I was coming to visit. He asked me if I had told anyone else yet. I go, "I called Kelly and Jamey. That's everybody in Portland, right?" He responded, "Yes, Sarah those are actually the only two other people who live in this city." -Mike then asked if I was going home for Thanksgiving. I quickly responded, "No are you?" Then I stopped, "I am sorry. Your parents moved. I forgot. Is this a touchy subject?" -I go to the airline counter to check in for my flight. The gentleman behind the counter goes, "Sarah Morrison: destination Honolulu." I shake my head and say, "I am supposed to be going to Portland. Plus, I can't really go to Honolulu. I did not bring a bathing suit." -I may have lost the Beauty Pageant, a few weeks back. But according to reports, there are photos of me during my talent competition, as well as Gina and Katrina in their Team Morrison shirts in this week's LA Weekly. And, not a single picture of the Pageant winner. Losers are always cooler. -I finally pay my Discover Card bill, today. So I opt to pick up their 9th phone call of the day, around noon. The lady on the other end wants to update my account info. She inquires, "Is there an individual close to you that you will give us permission to discuss your account with?" I tell her, "Depressingly enough, no." She pauses, laughs, and then tells me she is sorry." I go, "Eh, I am OK with it!" -I am sitting in the office of uber-hip Snowboarding apparel company Grenade, today for quite a while. One dude gets upset that he has been selected to go out and pick up lunch. He is mumbling something, and then kicks open the door, and yells, "Why doesn't God just shoot me in the face with a hammer!" The door slams. A boy sitting at a near by desk asks, "Did he just ask us to shoot him in the face with a hammer?" I shake my head, "No, he asked God to." -Brooke is on the phone with Jason this afternoon. Jason has managed to get married and move to Chicago, since the last time I saw him single and living in the Northwest, a few months ago. I get on the phone and inform him that I had announced this morning, "It would be funner, if Jason was here." I then added, "It would also be funner if Kiki was here." Best Week Ever: November 10th "I thought I was coming to save you, but I don't think you really needed too be saved." -I lost the Beauty Pageant Sunday night. I was told by Judge Jesse Camp that he and Preston had my vote. But, Preston and Jesse Camp don't make you a winner, apparently. There is a video of me very intoxicated at the Dim Mak office, late Sunday discussing my loss that will appear on YouTube soon. I barely remember the video being taken, so this should be must a "view." -Katrina and Gina wore homemade "Team Morrison" t-shirts to Sunday's Beauty Pageant. They were one of the few that actually came to said event. Jacob and Hoon had made comparable awesome t-shirts, but Jacob was not let in. I did tell security he was my little brother. -Katrina and I are standing outside of cinespace smoking at 5:00pm. Some dude waiting for the bus inquires what is going on inside. He asks, "So what is in there, a rave?" Katrina starts to laugh. I simply respond, "Yes, a rave." He continues, "You guys just stumbled out of there, huh?" We both nodded. -I enter my local 711 for my weekly grocery shopping. The cashier is excited to see me. We make conversation for a bit. I then wander around picking out bags of chips and candy that will make my dinner for the week. When it is time to ring me up he throws his hands up in the air and announces, "Everything is free!" I inform him it is not. He goes, "I have been drinking since 7. I go, "Tonight?" He responds, "No this morning!" -Ryan one of our lovely bartenders at cinespace, decides he is going to find me a "man." He is the "pirate" last week, concerned about my disaffected nature. I inquire why exactly. He tells me that he thinks something needs to "affect" me. -I have been sick for more than a month and this has become a concern of most of my fellow employees. So, I cough and some sort of "piece of cough" hits Sergio in the face, as he is sitting a few feet away from me. He starts screaming and yelling. I simply inform him, "I am a sick superhero and this is my super power." -I am at a market near my house and am supposed to purchase some sort of alcoholic beverage. I am staring at the beer selection, when some thugged out teenage boys approach me wanting to "party." I inform them I am all set, but continue to talk to the boys. Some guy comes along, grabs my arm, and informs the boys that he is my boyfriend. After the teenagers disperse, he tells me, "I thought I was coming to save you, but I don't think you really needed too be saved." -We host an event for Kevin Smith's new documentary, the other night at work. The gentleman running the event informs me he is my biggest fan, loves my columns, and is a member of my fan club. We then take a photo together for his Myspace. My manager comes by as we are posed for our photo, I state, "He is a member of my fan club. You are not." My manager rolls his eyes and continues on. -My manger at work, comes into the office and requests that one of us give him the updated sheet on the events for the evening. Megan inquires when he needs it. He replies, "Immediately, if not sooner," and walks out of the room. -Someone mentioned going to Beauty Bar late one evening this week. I informed them that I would not being going; due to the fact I was boycotting Beauty Bar because of my contest lost. Jacob screamed, "We will never go to Beauty Bar again!" -I am walking by a bunch of boys Tuesday night. One of them yells "Happy Birthday." Then the others begin to chime in. I yell, "It is not my Birthday!" Then one of them responds, "Every Tuesday is your birthday party!" -Verdell calls and tells me she has bought some pair of shoes that I must see. She informs me that she has emailed me photos. She tells me, "I may not be able to walk in them, but I want them to bury me in them." She goes on, "Make sure I have some sort of casket with a see through bottom, just enough to see my shoes." I agreed to do so. -Britney and Kevin split. We are all devastated by the news. I saw in on TV, and then only moments later, I was informed my internet porn sensation Dana DeArmond, "Oh my god Brit and Kfed went the way of Burt and Lonnie!" We miss you Lonnie. -Verdell informs me that she had a friend over this week, who needed a tampon. The friend asked where the tampons were. She informs her that they were kept behind the towels in said closet. She asked Verdell why she kept them behind the towels. Verdell simply explained, "They are super. I don't want guys to think I have a big vagina." -I am a YouTube sensation. If you have missed a single Video Blog, you are out of the loop. Go check them out. Sometimes I think, sometimes I think out loud. Best Week Ever: November 3rd "Look at what Sarah is wearing now! It can all be yours next season!" -Still unsure of my "the future" costume for Pat's Halloween party; I announce that I am going to be Kiki. Pat rolls his eyes, sort of laughing. He than demands that this not happen. I tell him it will be cute. I will wear a collar that says "Kiki. I run away a lot," like the one she had. I go, "At some point in the night, you will probably find me passed out in my Kiki costume on the bathroom floor, with a bottle of Vodka in my hand!" Pat shakes his head and walks away. -Pat has a Halloween party Saturday night. Initially I was into, but then opted to uninvite everyone I actually knew and sit in the back on the computer. I went in the house at 2 am, to use the bathroom and eat pizza. I ate my pizza then waited to get in the fridge, while two drunk dudes were scoping out its contents for anything that had alcohol in it. I pushed them aside, and grabbed a carton of milk. I drank some, then put it back. The boys stood straight up and looked at me admiringly. Then one announced, "You just drank Milk. That was awesome." I go, "You can have some!" -Katrina asks one of our bartenders what he "is" Sunday, for early Halloween. He tells her he is a pirate. I look at him again to see how exactly he is a pirate. He points at me and announces, "And, Sarah is…I know…disaffected!" -Katrina and I clean my room. In the process, I pull out all the clothes I no longer wear. I fill an entire trash bag and offer them to Katrina and Dora. Katrina does very well with the bags contents. She has worn a completely "new" outfit each day this week, of clothing that formerly belonged to me. Someone tells her they like her dress, at work one night. She announces, "I should take pictures of me wearing all your clothes and post a blog of me in all these outfits. I will be like look at what Sarah is wearing now! It can all be yours next season!" -I am smoking a cigarette on the patio, at work one evening. A gentleman comes over and asks if I mind if he shares my ashtray. I look down and see it full of cigarette butts. I respond, "Well, it looks like others have shared it before. So, why not!" -I am telling Stuart I was disappointed in the whole Halloween thing (where Dora takes off and takes off her Power Puff girls' outfit, leaving only two Power Puff girls.) He responds, "Sarah, this is why you should not be hanging out with 18 year olds." -Another disappointment and one of more significance, Dan does not dress up at me, like he promised. He was G.I. Joe or something comparable. I inform him, "You know this means you are going to have to dress up as me for Thanksgiving!" -I remind Jacob that my Beauty Bar Beauty Contest Semifinals are Sunday night. I instruct him to be there. I tell him I want to make sure everyone cheers the loudest for me. He goes, "I am going to wear a Sarah Morrison t-shirt!" -Melissa is all worked up about the cable bill. I am supposed to drive to Eagle Rock and put it in my name. This is supposed to be on the top on my nonexistent "to-do list." After another message about it, Katrina remarks, "I don't even ever see you guys watching TV." I reply, "Yeah, I really only watch Sex and the City DVDs." -Mike sends me some camera phone picture of "Sarah M + Mat B" carved in cement. He inquires, "So who is Mat B?" Mat if you are out there, call me. Mike has my number. -Some boy I work with comes over to me and begins staring at my jacket. He inquires, "What is that made of?" I go, "I don't know…jacket? -I am verbally relaying a phone message to Christian, today at work. I am sort of talking in circles, but I get what I am trying to say. I also think Christian understood it somehow. Stuart is staring at me the entire time. Once I finish he goes, "Christian, if you did not understand that, she can type it up in a blog and you can read it on the internet. Or, better yet she can video tape herself explaining it and you can go watch it on YouTube!" -My manager walks in to the office today. I am sitting and staring at a giant picture of Kiki on my laptop. He looks to see what I am doing. I go, "Want to look at pictures of my dead cat?" Best Week Ever: October 20th "I thought it was important. You were wearing glasses." -Katrina and I are discussing ideas for inventions that we both have. I let her in on my caffeinated toothpaste idea. She discusses some of her concerns with my product, which I defend. She then inquires, "What is it going to be called?" I stop to think for a second. Then Katrina announces, "I know! Best Toothpaste Ever!" -I have had a cold off and on for what is starting to seem like forever. I inform my fellow employees at work that I wish they made nose tampons, for runny noses. We then decide that they could market them as "Tamponose." -We end up in Orange County or as I like to call it Mexico at some new dance night. Luke, Jacob, and Florin all show up, as well. Luke and I use the remainder of Cory Kennedy's drink tickets. Later, he is over at the bar buying her a drink. He yells to Katrina, "Ask Sarah, what Cory is drinking?" Katrina yells back, "Alcohol!" -We play the "who should drive home game," after the Orange County festivities come to a close. I inform the carpool that I have only had two beers, but I do not have my glasses. I announce, "Me driving without glasses is like I had four beers." -I arrive at work in a grey t-shirt, red slip, green tights, and gold bra. I had changed my tights from purple to green at the last minute, due to a run in the other pair. Not until I arrive at work and encounter my coworkers, do I realize I look like some sort of holiday elf, or walking Christmas tree. I am in the kitchen, putting a cake away in the walk in freezer. My manager, who has not yet commented on my ensemble, opens the door and yells, "Sarah what are you doing? Is Santa in there?" -Twenty something people are sitting in one room socializing, after cinespace gets out Tuesday evening. It is decided that a cab needs to be called, in order to get a bunch of girls back to their car. As one intoxicated person after another screams the address into the speaker phone, things keep getting worse. More people start yelling. After calling the cab company numerous times, and them hanging up, the group began to feel defeated. Until one boy I know quietly remarked, "Why don't you take it off speak phone?" Everyone sort of looked at him like he was a genius and the cab was called successfully. -One of our owners at work comes over and asks me how I am doing. I sort of unenthusiastically reply, "Great." He adds, "You don't sound like you are doing great." I point at him, and go, "And, that is why I am a hostess, not an actress." -I go over to Katrina's house one afternoon looking for her. Her boyfriend answers the door, then goes to get her for me. She comes to the door looking sort of concerned. I tell her I want her to go to this thing at Vine Bar with me. She relaxes and runs to get her stuff. Her boyfriend shrugged, "I thought it was important. You were wearing glasses." -The office door at Dim Mak gets locked from the inside. Poor Jacob can not get in to sleep. People are shoving library cards and video store cards in the door to try to get it open. I give Ron my maxed out MasterCard to use. We leave the door with all the cards wedged in it, give up, and return to my house. I receive an inquiry from a boy who works there as to why my MasterCard is sitting on his desk. I explain the situation. I inform him he can throw it out or carry it around in his wallet. He tells me he is going to carry it around in his wallet and flash it to try to get into clubs. -I run into Alec at Beauty Bar. Alec lives in San Diego. He is one of my brothers old roommates, or as I commonly refer to him, "my Jewish brother." I had not seen him in a year or so. He was in LA on business. I was excited to see him. I go, "This is so much better than running into my actual brother!" -We are discussing that dance night in Orange County we went on that field trip to. A boy I know who did not attend, remarked, "I want to go! I love sixteen year old girls." I turn to him and announce, "You do not have to go all the way to Orange County. There are sixteen year olds, right here at the mall!" -I am pouring Katrina a drink, Friday night. I point to the cup, asking if she wants me to fill it up more. She goes, "Just leave room for the straw!" Best Week Ever: October 13th "You are like Bettie Page, but you don't live in a trailer." -Stuart inquires why I am not drinking on Tuesday evening, as I hold a water at 11pm. I go, "I threw up last Tuesday." Drink in hand, he shrugs and announces, "I threw up Saturday." -A girl I know shows up Tuesday evening at cinespace, with a bunch of her friends I had never met. She introduces me to all of them, then announces, "And this is Sarah. She is famous." -I have to have a talk with Dora about security's issue with her standing on the couches on Tuesday evenings at my place of employment. She agrees to stay on the floor the entire evening. I am waiting to get paid as we are closing. Dora comes over to me and informs me she did not stand on a single couch the entire evening. She then adds, "You would be really proud of me. I have actually been telling other people to get off the furniture too." -We are playing Black Jack late one evening this week. Dan sort of intoxicated is sitting two people away from me, chanting "Sarah Morrison is so hot." Steve informs him that I am sitting two chairs away, which Dan knows. Each time it comes around to Dan's turn, and his choice whether to "hit him or not." He announces, "Sarah Morrison me, and slams his hand down or the table. He then lost a few hundred dollars. -Ron and I are discussing how we met. A boy we both know is enjoying the story. He motions to Ron to get his camera out and offers to take a picture of the two of us. Both of us shake our heads. Ron announces, "There are enough pictures of the two of us." I agree, "Like we already have the entire slide show for the wedding, at this point." -Katrina is approached by two drunk dudes hitting on her. One of them remarks, "You look fucking awesome." Knowing exactly what he said, Katrina looks at him outraged and states, "I do not look like a fucking possum," and storms off. -Steve from 90210 attended some sort of event yesterday at my work. I was going to ask to get a picture with him, but couldn't find him in the crowd. When he was exiting, I yelled, "Bye Steve!" Ginger said he turned around and looked "a little pissed." -The floor of my truck is covered in crap. There is a set of dishes, a bunch of magazines, some extra clothes, a lot of empty Starbucks cups, and a bunch of other stuff I have not really acknowledged in a while. Jacob and I drive back from cinespace the other night and park on Fountain. The next day I notice one Marc Jacobs' shoe on the floor and am unable to find its match. After work, Katrina and I decide to drive back to where Jacob and I had parked the previous evening, hoping by some strange chance the shoe was actually there. When we pull up, we see the shoe. The two of us started screaming and yelling. I go, "This is like Cinderella!" Now I get to find Price Charming!" I then pause as Katrina and I try to put the pieces of the actual Cinderella story together. We come to the realization that the prince was supposed to find the shoe. Katrina convinced that Stuart and I am supposed to live happily ever after together announces, "We have to hide the shoe, so Stuart can find it!" -Jason and I are discussing some work stuff this morning. At some point, I am talking about our respective roles in the task at hand. Jason announces, "You are a valuable asset." Flattered I go, "No, you are a valuable asset!" -Katrina and I drive by a convertible today with two children in the backseat. She announces, "I would never drive with my kids in a convertible. I would be afraid they would fly out." -Katrina and I are walking up Ivar today. I hear someone yell "Sarah Morrison," and see a car slowing down. I look at the car, and the girl begins to roll her window down. I do not recognize her. I wait for her to say something. She just starts laughing, points at me and yells, "The internet!" -I am expressing my concern over people pulling my writing and photos and using them without my consent. I explain the whole ordeal to Katrina, after I get off the phone with a boy who is helping me sort out some of the matter at hand. Katrina pauses then announces, "You are like Bettie Page, but you don't live in a trailer." Best Week Ever: October 6th "Something bad happened." -We end up short on servers Monday evening, at work. My manager informs me I have a half an hour to sort of learn how to put orders in the computer because I will be waitressing during dinner. I look at him like I want to run away. He is giving me a sort of run down on how we are going to make this work and is laughing. I pause and ask, "Are you laughing?" He adds, "Sarah, I am only laughing to prevent you from crying." -I am watching a movie in the back Tuesday, when Stuart text messages me informing me that he is running late. He asks me to go set up the door downstairs. I tell him that one of the security guys already brought everything down. He then instructs me to "bring it back up stairs and do it again." -Stuart and I are discussing the events of the evening prior, in the office one afternoon this week. Megan turns to us and asks us to stop gossiping. Stuart goes, "It is not gossiping, when we are talking about ourselves. -Dora and I are sitting on the patio as security is kicking people out, late Tuesday evening. One of our owner's comes and sits down next to us and jokingly tells us we have to leave. As which point Dora goes, "Sarah works here! She does cinespace's Myspace profile!" -Dora and I are talking to two boys she knows that are twins. I inform them that Dora and I are also twins. Even know I am a brunette and she is a blonde. We are ten years apart in age, and she lives in the Valley. -I am doing the door Friday night at work. Some guy comes in, hands me his ticket, and announces, "If you are not famous, you should be." I look up, point at him, and go, "I like you!" -Friday evening, a girl I know shows up at cinespace, while I am working the door. She tells me she wants to introduce me to the boy she is out with. I do not inform her she introduced him to me Tuesday evening, and just go along with it. He shakes my hand and looks at me like he recognizes me. I go, "I met you on Tuesday. I was in this exact spot and you were standing right there. He goes, "You look different." I inform him, "I changed my clothes." -Katrina and I are in the car one day. She remarks that she is having fun, during our day's adventures. I pause and go, "It would be funner if Kiki was here." -I take Katrina to the doctors at some insanely early hour, Saturday morning. We are sitting in the waiting room, when some guy delivers a newspaper. The newspaper is entirely in Chinese. Katrina holds it up. There is a giant picture of some building collapsing on the front page. I announce that I will read it. I point to the Chinese headline, and read outloud, "Something bad happened." -Sara one of our waitresses at work, disappears for a month. She returns last night and is asking me for a recap on work. She asks me what's new. What has changed? I pause and think for a moment and announce, "Oh, Ginger makes pot Brownies, now!" -My bedroom door has one doorknob. So, when I shut it I have to make sure I turn the doorknob around. Since this is a task I am unable to keep up with, my roommates have simply grown accustomed to me climbing out my window and coming in the front door when I have locked myself in my room. Pat returned home today from errands excited and informed me he bought me a present. I yelled, "A Kiki cat?" He announced, "A doorknob!" -I decide to look on Craigslist for a cat. I find a story of this cat that had been rescued during hurricane Katrina and nearly dead. The family saved her and now they are moving overseas. I send them an email expressing my interest in the kitty. I am telling my mom how I feel like this cat and I are destined to be together. I remind her that I rescued Kiki also, when I took her from Oregon from Mark and Jamey's house. My mom goes, "You rescued her? From what, Mark?" -Pat and his girlfriend walk in the livingroom, as I am on the phone with Brooke. Brooke is giving me the rundown on her week. It becomes my turn and I announce, "I went to the gynecologist and I threw up on Tuesday night." They laughed and walked out of the room, but Brooke seemed impressed. Best Week Ever: September 29th "Someone killed my cat for my birthday!" -Katrina and I are talking and I am apparently half listening. She says, "They are like relax and all of a sudden WHAM!" I add, "And, you are like um I thought we were just kissing?" She looks at me confused and informs me, "I was talking about the gynecologist." -I am purchasing a pack of cigarettes at a local liquor store. The guy ringing me up asks, "How old are you?" I hand him my license. He laughs and announces, "You are old enough to buy anything!" I smile and go, "Thanks!" -Dora calls while Katrina and I are driving down Cahuenga looking for parking. She asks me if i am at cinespace yet. I inform her that "Me and Cahuenga are looking for parking." -Katrina and I are watching some E! show. They are showing these new purses with a fluorescent light around the lining, so you are able to see inside your bag. All the purses they show are little. I remark that they should make big bags. Big bags are the ones that really need it. Then Katrina reminds me that a little fluorescent light would not help a bag the size of the ones we carry around. I announce, "My bag would need a chandelier." Katrina adds, "Mine would need a small man carrying a flashlight." -Katrina and I decide to play a game. It goes like this, one of us says a number and the other person has to go to through their Myspace comments to that respective page. You then have to respond to a question or comment someone wrote months or years ago, and post a response to it on *said* person's page. One of the first comments I randomly respond to is from John in June. It reads, "I am in big trouble!" I comment back, "So are we!" John quickly writes back, "So are we? What are you talking about? Are you high again?" And, with that John won the game. -Katrina and I are sitting in my front yard. I am complaining about the parking situation by the house and suggest we should start taking the bus to work. Katrina gets excited and announces, "Yeah, the bus is like a dollar!" I add, "And if we end up in Hollywood at four in the morning, we can take a cab home." Katrina pauses, and then reminds me, "Wait that's not a dollar." -I work the door on Tuesdays with Stuart. He is wandering around cinespace looking for me, as it approaches 10 pm Tuesday. I realize the time, but I am watching a movie in the back when he finds me. I lean over and go, "Do you need me?" He tells me "Soon." I go, "Do you want me to come now?" He shrugs and goes, "Five minutes." Katrina sort of laughing and sort of alarmed asks, "Do you want me to leave you guys alone?" -Stuart gets evicted from his house the day before his birthday. I try to make him feel better and announce, "Someone killed my cat for my birthday!" -Jason and I are in a meeting at work about a new promotion we have going. They ask me how I am planning to promote the evening being discussed. I announce, "Myspace, I have like 9000 friends." Jason goes, "That is a lot for a girl who does not take her clothes off." They then ask what my market is. To which I respond, "Well, 90 percent of them are girls, and ten percent of them are guys that would like me to take my clothes off." -Katrina takes a picture of Stuart and me working the door, Tuesday night. We both head over to the camera to see the photo. She goes, "Aw you guys would make a cute couple!" To which Stuart responds, "We would either make a really cute couple or a really great brother and sister. No one is sure, yet." -My dad is in the San Diego County area on business. I drive down to San Clemente to meet him this week. I arrive to where we are planning to meet. I get out of the truck and start to look around. A gentleman nearby looks at my truck, my Massachusetts plates, then announces, "You are from home." I nod and respond, "And, a little homesick." -My dad and I are eating lunch at the beach. I am telling him that I think I have a cavity or something. I go, "My tooth is bleeding." He announces, "Sarah, teeth don't bleed." -Steve Aoki shows up at cinespace and I am not there. Katrina is there by herself. He looks at her confused and goes, "Wait, do you work here?" She tells him that she does. He goes, "I thought you just sat here and hung out with Sarah." -Katrina and I decide we are going to take a road trip. I can not think of anywhere we should go. She announces, "the Grand Canyon!" She decides to ask people how far the Grand Canyon is from LA. The first girl she asks tells her it is 36 hours away. Katrina looks at the girl alarmed. I roll my eyes and go, "We could be in Boston in 36 hours. I will take you to the Grand Canyon." Best Week Ever: September 22nd "I love you, but if you don't die, I am taking it back." -Melissa, Will, and I are out at dinner in Austin. Will asks Melissa if she has ever told me that she loves me. She starts laughing uncomfortably. He instructs her to tell me right then and there that she loves me. She does not. I go, "I could die on the plane back to LA tomorrow. She responds, "I love you, but if you don't die, I am taking it back." -I arrive at LAX, after sleeping most of the plane ride on my tray table. I get off the plane and spot a Starbucks, so I enter its Space Mountain-esque line and wait for my turn. The guy in front of me is some sort of Evangelist and is handing out pamphlets from his place in line to those surrounding me. And, with that I was back in Los Angeles. -I am waiting for Katrina to pick me up from the airport, before I realize that she is not actually coming, nor is anyone else. I am sitting on my luggage in the median area, where people wait for rental shuttles and whatnot. Some police officer asks me if I am getting on a shuttle. I tell him I am not. He tells me if I do not move back to the airport sidewalk he will write me a 65 dollar ticket. I shrug and say, "That's fine." He walks away going, "I will write it up if you don't move." I yell, "Fine." He never returns. -I arrive home and discover my house has hosted some sort of giant party the previous evening. Melissa and Kiki are gone, and everything is in disarray. My luggage is still in the driveway, so I throw it in the back of my truck and drive south, until I get hungry and tired. I find a motel somewhere near San Diego. I paid for one night initially, but ended up staying two. I like motel rooms. They have no discernable past. Homes have stories. Motels don't talk. -I begin working on my website while in exile. I needed a Kinko's to scan some old photos. So, I Mapquested the closest one and headed over there. After returning, I receive a Myspace message from a girl telling me she just saw me at a Kinko's in Oceanside and was "too starstruck" to say Hi. -Have you been reading my diary? You should be. It is a collection of stories from the past and present. I am adding them periodically each week. With each story, you begin to understand who I am and how I got here. I recommend it. It is called thesarahmorrison.com. -I tell my manager at work that I am running home to change before I work the door, Tuesday night. He goes, "Do they pay you to do that?" I stare at him confused and go, "Yes they pay me. I do not work for free. I am not a Girl Scout." -I am waiting for Stuart Tuesday night outside the office. Some very drunk boy approaches me and asks me if I know him. I tell him I do not. He goes on to ask if I am "Sarah Morrison." I nod. He goes, "I thought I met you two weeks ago. This girl told me she was you." Confused I say, "She said she was "Sarah Morrison?" He shakes his head, "No, she said her name was Vanessa." -I am on my way out of cinespace at like 2 something, and my hand is grabbed by a boy I know. He is pulling my arm and insisting I come with him to a party that "Paris is at." I pull away and inform him I am going home. He looks at me confused and asks, "What is wrong with you tonight?" I shrug, "I am trying to be a grown up this week." -One of my owners at work comes over to congratulate me on some sort of minor accomplishment, this week. I knew exactly what he was referring to yet responded, "On what? My cat dying?" He tried not to laugh and said, "No, Sarah not on your cat dying." -I mention something about being 27 to Stuart, who reminds me he is also 27. I then remind him he is almost 28. He informs me he is planning to stay 27 forever. I tell him I would like to be 23 forever. He then tells me he likes 27. He continues, "You are not too old to get the young girls, and the older girls still want you." I look at him like he is insane and continue what I was doing. -Katrina calls to see if I can pick her up from work. She then asks if I can call her boyfriend to see if he can pick her up, instead. I am leaving a message for Blake detailing that I dropped off Katrina at work and that she needs a ride home. I go on to tell him that one of us needs to pick her up, and that he needs to call me back as soon as possible. I then realize what I am saying and go, "I feel like we are an amicably divorced couple with shared custody of the kids." -EJ is moving to NYC. He asks me for my email in case I ever get off of Myspace. I am writing it down when I pause and announce, "If I ever disappear from Myspace something is horribly wrong. I suggest calling the Cops." I then finished writing down my email, and hand him back his notebook. -I am squatting on the ground behind the host stand at work surrounded by cases of beer that need to be relocated, when Stuart comes over. He inquires, "Is there a barback here?" I shake my head and point across the room and inform that "the bar is over there." -Apparently I have a fan club. It looks sort of awesome. I have no idea who is doing it, but who ever they are I sort of like them. Be their friend because having a fan club with 14 friends is sort of depressing. Best Week Ever: September 15th "I know you are not happy, but pretend to be happy. Americans are supposed to be happy." -Katrina and I are in a local retail establishment shopping and visiting with Jessica. Jessica asks me about the status of some boy we all know that I had accidentally made out with a few times, and is notorious for doing the above and being an asshole about it. Katrina goes, "She announced she was deleting him out of her phone." I nodded. Jessica goes, "Oh good Sarah. Then you would never see him again!" -I am walking down Hollywood Blvd, after work Friday evening at approximately 2am. I am approached by some young boy. He asks me what I am doing. I tell him that I am leaving work. He then inquires, "Where do you work? A lingerie store?" To which I respond, "Yes, a lingerie store." -I am squatting on the ground flipping through the new La Weekly looking for an ad I am in at 2:30 am, in front of that news stand on Cahuenga. I am discovered by a drunk gentleman I know, who decides to keep me company. Drunk club goers seem to sort of be successfully maneuvering around me, so I opt not too move. A group of dudes stumble upon me, and one of them announces, "Don't sit like that, if you are going to dress like that." My drunk gentleman friend quickly yells back, "Don't talk like that, if you have been drinking!" -Katrina and I are in my truck, due to the fact Melissa has returned and taken her car from me. As most that have seen my truck could tell you, it is simply a place to hold whatever items I was unable to fit in my storage unit. As Katrina admires the dishes, scale, and other household items she inquires, "Can I smoke in here?" I start laughing and nod. She adds, "Well, I didn't want to contaminate the Spatula." -Katrina and I pull up at a light in front of a Starbucks with outside seating. She points at a table in front of the Starbucks and asks," Is that Jason?" We both proceed to yell "Jason" and laugh uncontrollably. He waves and laughs back, making fun of us. After we drive off, Katrina remarks, "I did not think that was Jason. He looked smaller. Maybe it was because he was sitting down." -Melissa text messages me informing me that one of the neighbors just called her "pensive." -Katrina and I arrive at work and tell Ginger of the awkward stoplight encounter with Jason. We kept telling her it was just so weird. She finally stops us and goes, "Why was it so weird? Starbucks is probably the most common place you could run in to someone." I shrug, "I think maybe it was because we were in a car and he was not?" -Some dude asks me for change, the other day. I tell him I do not have any because I put it all in my meter. He then informs me of his plan to put super glue in all meter coins slots. I add, "Super glue is too expensive." He points at me and announces, "Not if I steal it." I tell him that I like him. He then asks me if I want to be his girlfriend. I inform him I have to go to work, but maybe later. -I run into a boy I know unexpectedly at the flea market, as we are starting to clean up. He heads over to hug me, I warn, "I have been here since 5 am and just woke up from a nap in the backseat of the car. He hugs me and responds, "And, that is exactly what you smell like." -I return home from the flea market and find that Kiki got hit by a car, or took a nap under a car that did not notice her. She was not alive and there were ants all over her. I had to touch her to make sure. I cried a lot. I did not speak for 24 hours, until I arrived at cinespace Monday night. Then the week got progressively worse, but we will keep it PG. Kiki died this week, and I will miss her forever. -Discover card calls me this week informing me I owe them 120 something dollars. I inquire how on earth I could possibly owe them that amount due to the fact my monthly payments are usually 20 something dollars. They tell me I never paid August's bill, therefore there is a late charge. They then tell me September's payment is overdue and it has a late fee attached as well. I go, "I seriously owe you people that much money for my DISCOVER card?" He tells me I do. I pause and announce, "My cat just died," then hang up. -We are about to leave for Texas early Thursday morning. I am bringing my stuff out to the car, half asleep when, something bad happens that I will not discuss because Melissa is editing this before I post it making sure it is "not depressing." I sort of lose it and take a bunch of Dramamine and sleep for a while. I wake up in the car and Melissa informs me it is 2 pm and that I am in Arizona. She goes, "You just woke up hours and hours later, in another state? Doesn't it feel like your experiencing time travel." I shake my head, "No, it feels like I am experiencing depression." -Melissa and I are headed towards the Border patrol station. She hides her weed and asks me if I can try to look normal, or at least sit up in the car. She adds, "I know you are not happy, but pretend to be happy. Americans are supposed to be happy." -I am reading some celebrity gossip magazine, today. Melissa asks me how old Angelina Jolie is. I read, "31." Melissa then adds, "You know, Sarah. She is closer to your age then your 17 year old friends are." -I send a text message to my reliable or semi-reliable friends, asking if any of them will pick me up at the airport. Jason inquires later in the day if I found someone to pick me up. I tell him that I did. He adds, "I hope he is tall dark and handsome." I respond, "She is small and Asian." Best Week Ever: September 8th "I dont think this is a hangover, but whatever it is, I dont like it." -I ask my manager if he is going to need me to stay the evening. He responds, "Yes Sarah. We are having some sort of porno party and you are going to stay. This should excite you because this will be great for all those funny little things you write." -Dana text messages me letting me know she is coming to said porno event at cinespace. She writes, "They suggest sexy or minimal attire i.e. Sarah Morrison attire." -Dana and I are being hit on by two trashy dudes. They are talking and we are not listening. I am staring off into the distance with my arms folded. One of the guys taps me on the shoulder and asks, "Are you cold?" I uncross my arms and inform him I am not. Dana goes, "Thats not cold. Thats pensive." They look at her confused and move on. -One of the security guys comes over and asks me if I have any lotion. I go, "No, but I have Mary-Kate and Ashley perfume." He looked confused, and just heads downstairs. -I get home Friday night and find a package in my room. I open it and discover an Ipod. At first I thought it was from god. Then I found a card that read, "Happy Birthday. Love, Mom." -I am having stomach issues. I have this weird pain in my side all the time. I sit down in the office and announce that I think I have an ulcer. Stuart responds, "Sarah, you don't even know what an ulcer is." I turn to him and go, "Well, it is either that or death." -I run into a boy I know from home at Beauty Bar. I instruct him to come to my birthday party on Tuesday. He tells me he can not because he will be in Omaha. I go, "Oh Omaha is funner anyways," and walk away. -I am being hit on by some dude at Beauty Bar, and finding no visible way to get out of the conversation. He asks, "So is your area code 310 or 323?" I inform him it is 323. He then asks, "Has anyone ever called you convenient before?" -I am under the impression the boys at Dim Mak have a helium tank, due to them arriving at cinespace with one, a few weeks back. After trying three different boys, I was directed to Luke who informed me they rented it from a party supply place on Melrose. He suggests I rent one. I inform him that they are heavy and I had just wanted to have one brought to me. I tell him, "I will just buy balloons. They are way lighter." -Ron and I are discussing his Cobrasnake pictures. He is telling me that people are saying he takes bad pictures of them. I go, "Ron, this is Cobrasnake. This is not Glamour Shots." -I am giving one of the waitresses Annaliese the seating chart at work, last weekend. I inform her that our waitress Stuart is coming in for dinner and point to where she will be sitting. Annaliese goes, "Wait my Stuart?" I go, "The waitress Stuart." I then stop, and point at everyones favorite male employee Stuart and ask, "Does that make him my Stuart?" She says, "Well hes not mine." -I decide that making everyone dress up at Disney characters at my birthday party is a great idea. Katrina agrees with this sentiment. I text message Steve Aoki DJ extraordinaire to inform him he will need to get a Captain Hook costume. He does not write back. -Katrina and I are carrying my cake and bags of birthday paraphernalia, up Ivar Tuesday early evening. Some pseudo-homeless dude asks us which one of us is having the party. I inform him it is me. He asks me how old I am going to be. I tell him, "16. I cant wait to get my license. My daddy is getting me a car." Katrina asks me what kind of car I am getting. I tell her I am getting a Land Rover. She starts stomping her feet and goes, "All my daddy got me was a BMW!" I go, "Thats because your dad is an asshole." The presumably homeless gentleman goes, "Have fun at the party." We responded, "We will!" -Katrina and I are running up the stairs at cinespace Tuesday, after a brief appearance at Starshoes. A group of boys are coming down the stairs. One of them points at me and yells, "I used to love that girl!" I turn to Katrina, "I guess he doesnt love me anymore," and we continued up the stairs. -My birthday party is fun like woah. If you missed it Cobrasnake was there to document its awesomeness. I heart cinespace. I heart Dora and Katrina and everyone else that helped. I hearted my dress. I heart everyone that came. -I end up sleeping for some short amount of time on a couch at the Dim Mak office Tuesday evening. I get up because I hear people and dont see Dora. I am standing and trying to communicate, when one of my boobs comes out of my dress. Three boys point at me and go, "I can see Sarah Morrisons boob." So I go lie back down. -Katrina and I are not doing too well Wednesday at work. We are sort of laughing uncontrollably for no reason and staring blankly straight ahead a lot. I am discussing how I hate hangovers. Katrina adds, "I dont really get hangovers. I dont think this is a hangover, but whatever it is, I dont like it." -I am standing outside of work last night waiting for my cab. EJ one of our security dudes is moving to New York. He goes, "Next year come to New York for your birthday." I shake my head defeated, "No more birthdays." -EJ is laughing at me and my impatience in waiting for my cab. He says, "I cant wait to read Best Week Ever." I laugh and point at him and announce, "Me too!" -I am on the phone with Mark today who witnessed the loss of my boob late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning. I am hanging up the phone when I hear him go, "Keep your boobs in your shirt today!" Best Week Ever: September 1st "I should be meowing because I miss Melissa." -So I am looking at this boy I knows Myspace profile, I see that he has this girl in his top eight that I remember from a hundred years ago. The girl made out with this boy I was dating, in Boston. He broke things off with me because he really liked her or something. He was sort of a dickhead. I ask the boy how he knows her. He tells me she helped get some music stuff going for him. He continues, "She then came out here to visit and popped the question...." He paused, "Will you put me in your top eight?" -You might remember Melissa and I being rear ended by some dude on the way to Danas Bingo night a while back. Well, it turns out the boy in question has decided that we backed into him. I tell Melissa this fun fact and she says, "So we backed into him going thirty miles an hour?" I correct her, "We were driving backwards, going thirty miles an hour." -I am training our new hostess at work. She was downstairs and on her way back up, she encounters an older couple who ask her, "How many stairs do you have?" When she returns, I inform her this is not a question she needs to know the answer to. -We are at the door to the club, Saturday evening. Some guy pulls up right in front and announces that he is picking up the Dj. I go to one of the security guys, "I wish people picked me up." He goes, "Maybe if you put your shoes back on and brushed your hair, "people" would." -I run into two boys Saturday evening outside of the club, who are putting on an event later in the week that involves a Rubix cube competition. I go to them, "Did you find a lot of...um people that can do the Rubix cube or whatever?" He corrects me shaking his head, "Sarah, they are called Cubists. They are called Cubists." -I decide that I am going to try to consolidate my debt, or call my credit card companies and complain a little and see what happens. After I have explained my financial situation to the first major credit card the gentleman assisting me says, "So let me get this straight. You have no idea what you make a year, but its not that much. You pay 800 dollars in rent, have three major credit cards, and may or may not be ten grand or so in debt?" I go, "Exactly!" -The next credit card company is less understanding. I explain the situation to them. They offer no solution at all. They instead ask me if they can help me with anything else "today." I pause and go, "But you did not help me with anything yet?" She repeats what she just said. So I just hang up. -Kiki is meowing like crazy, when she is not peeing on Pats stuff. I am telling my mom about it. I go, "She is meowing because she is lonely. She misses Melissas cat." I add, "I should be meowing because I miss Melissa." -Katrina is our new hostess and maybe my new best friend. She approaches me, upset that one of the door guys is referring to her as "Tsunami." She goes, "I have no problem with hurricane, but Tsunamis are huge!" -I am doing the door at work last night for some event. I am handed two lists. One is a five dollar list and the other is a free list. I pick up the "five dollar list" and look at something written next to the first name. I read out loud, "If he is tall. He is comped?" The boy running the event adds, "Not all tall people though, just him." I nodded. -I am approached by a homeless lady I know last night, outside of work. She asks me for two dollars and I hand it over to her with out blinking. The boy doing security looks at me confused. I go, "She watches my car and I give her money for Popeyes occasionally." He goes, "Sarah, where are you parking?" -Outside last night, I watch a boy come out of a nearby bar with a beer in his hand. I grab Ginger and go, "He left with a beer!" She shrugs and says, "Well, he didnt come out of here with a beer." I am still a little alarmed. She goes, "Sarah, you are like the Hollywood Blvd hall monitor." -I arrive at Davids store five minutes late this morning. At which point, he decides to talk to me like I am retarded and says, "I thought you werent even coming?" I respond, "Yeah, that makes more sense, than I worked late last night." After we exchange a few words, he tells me my vibe or karma or something is bad and it is ruining the stores energy and I should go home. My face lit up, "Really? Yay!" -Tuesday night is my birthday party at cinespace. Doors are at 10. I will not be at the door, but Stuart will be. Free vodka 10-11, free Sarah Morrison stuff, rides, drinks, cake, candy, games, bands, Aoki and Jason....and ME! Bring presents! Ok, there wont be rides. Best Week Ever: August 25th "Press 4 if you are Sarah Morrison." -Some shitty band writes me on Myspace telling me that "since i like Morrissey i will like them. I respond, "Wait, but i don't like Morrissey?" They never write back. -One of the boys at work is going to get food at Popeyes. I ask him to get me a Milkshake. He returns with a Smoothie and i complain a bit. I go, "Smoothies are just gross Milkshakes. The vitamins ruin them." I drink it anyways. -I am at work and we are having two separate parties, one is for the Oxygen Network and the other is a birthday party. Two girls arrive and i instantly go, "Are you here for the Oxygen party?" They look at me laughing, and say, "I like that you knew we were here for the Oxygen party." I respond, "Well, the birthday party has been a bunch of dudes wearing Yamakas." -There are squirrels running around in our yard. They are pulling the Avocados off the trees. Melissa goes, "They are getting them for hibernation." I remind her it is August. She looks at my blankly. I go, "They are probably just hungry." -My mom has been getting all the calls related to my computer and its pending repair. She is informing me of the updates on its status. She says, "Everytime they call there is this recording where you "Press 4 if you are Sarah Morrison," we just keep pressing four." -I am modelling for Melissa aka Mama Stone Vintage when she inquires, "Can you look at me with your chin?" -I am modelling some dress and realize there is some sort of faded pattern on the thing. I tell Melissa, "Something used to be going on this dress." She looks closer at it and responds, "Great Sarah, I will just describe it as something used to be going on on this dress." -One of the owners at cinespace commends me on my writing, referring to the cinespace profile. I respond, "I only made fun of Stuart a little." He responded, "Sarah, I am giving you permission to make fun of anyone you want, as much as you want." -I am outside smoking a cigarette on the patio, Tuesday evening. My manager comes out and goes, "Sarah, so who exactly is watching the door?" I go, "The Dim Mak records boys. I told them just to tell everyone that comes in, that the door is at ten." He inquires, "And, do the Dim Mak boys answer the phone?" I add, "I will check the messages when i get back." -My mom calls to ask if i am "ok" this week. I ask her why. She says,"I read on the internet you hit your head on the garage really bad. I hope you write this down and tell the internet your mom called to ask if are ok from reading this." -I am working the door, Tuesday night. A boy i know arrives and commends me on my work ethic. He goes, "With all that you do Sarah, it makes me feel bad that i do not do that much." I tell him i never feel like i am at home. He goes, "Well, maybe "out" is your "home." -I call Stuart crying Wednesday asking what time i need to work. I am trying not to cry, but still am a little. He asks me what's wrong. I tell him my best friend Melissa left for good today and I don't think i am going to make it. I then add, "I know i am 26." he pauses and says, "Sarah, best friends are important." -Someone steals a dress out of the Dim Mak records office, Tuesday night. Somehow i get accused of it, probably due to the fact i was the only phone number of any girl present that evening, those boys had. I tell Ron when trying to clear my name, "Why would i steal a dress from Dim Mak, when i was wearing a Betsey Johnson dress?" Best Week Ever: August 18th "Sarah, who is watching your trailer?" -Some shitty band writes me on Myspace telling me that "since i like Morrissey i will like them. I respond, "Wait, but i don't like Morrissey?" They never write back. -One of the boys at work is going to get food at Popeyes. I ask him to get me a Milkshake. He returns with a Smoothie and i complain a bit. I go, "Smoothies are just gross Milkshakes. The vitamins ruin them." I drink it anyways. -I am at work and we are having two separate parties, one is for the Oxygen Network and the other is a birthday party. Two girls arrive and i instantly go, "Are you here for the Oxygen party?" They look at me laughing, and say, "I like that you knew we were here for the Oxygen party." I respond, "Well, the birthday party has been a bunch of dudes wearing Yamakas." -There are squirrels running around in our yard. They are pulling the Avocados off the trees. Melissa goes, "They are getting them for hibernation." I remind her it is August. She looks at my blankly. I go, "They are probably just hungry." -My mom has been getting all the calls related to my computer and its pending repair. She is informing me of the updates on its status. She says, "Everytime they call there is this recording where you "Press 4 if you are Sarah Morrison," we just keep pressing four." -I am modelling for Melissa aka Mama Stone Vintage when she inquires, "Can you look at me with your chin?" -I am modelling some dress and realize there is some sort of faded pattern on the thing. I tell Melissa, "Something used to be going on this dress." She looks closer at it and responds, "Great Sarah, I will just describe it as something used to be going on on this dress." -One of the owners at cinespace commends me on my writing, referring to the cinespace profile. I respond, "I only made fun of Stuart a little." He responded, "Sarah, I am giving you permission to make fun of anyone you want, as much as you want." -I am outside smoking a cigarette on the patio, Tuesday evening. My manager comes out and goes, "Sarah, so who exactly is watching the door?" I go, "The Dim Mak records boys. I told them just to tell everyone that comes in, that the door is at ten." He inquires, "And, do the Dim Mak boys answer the phone?" I add, "I will check the messages when i get back." -My mom calls to ask if i am "ok" this week. I ask her why. She says,"I read on the internet you hit your head on the garage really bad. I hope you write this down and tell the internet your mom called to ask if are ok from reading this." -I am working the door, Tuesday night. A boy i know arrives and commends me on my work ethic. He goes, "With all that you do Sarah, it makes me feel bad that i do not do that much." I tell him i never feel like i am at home. He goes, "Well, maybe "out" is your "home." -I call Stuart crying Wednesday asking what time i need to work. I am trying not to cry, but still am a little. He asks me what's wrong. I tell him my best friend Melissa left for good today and I don't think i am going to make it. I then add, "I know i am 26." he pauses and says, "Sarah, best friends are important." -Someone steals a dress out of the Dim Mak records office, Tuesday night. Somehow i get accused of it, probably due to the fact i was the only phone number of any girl present that evening, those boys had. I tell Ron when trying to clear my name, "Why would i steal a dress from Dim Mak, when i was wearing a Betsey Johnson dress?" Best Week Ever: August 25th "Press 4 if you are Sarah Morrison." -Melissa and Will are here, so i am back to sleeping on the couch or in the garage, depending on my mood. Will comes home from the bar and enters Pat's room expecting to see Pat, but instead finds me in Pat's bed. He looks startled at first then goes, "So either you and Pat are hooking up or hes stay at his girlfriends tonight." -A boy i know is sitting at the store with me. We are discussing our respective experiences with the opposite sex. He then asks me if i remember what he said to me the first time we met. I do not. He tells me he said, "You should be someone's girlfriend." I rolled my eyes. -At work one night, i am smoking on the patio. The lady running the film screening that is going on comes over to me, and asks me if i have a cigarette. I tell her i do. I then add, "What kind of hostess would i be if i did not have cigarettes for the customers?" -I am standing at the bar at Will's show, Monday evening. Some boy standing next to me is trying to get my attention. I finally lean in to try to figure out what he was saying. Apparently, he is a hair dresser and is telling me he wants to "cut my hair." I heard, "I want to touch your hair and tried to hand him my ponytail." He handed me his card. -I hear Melissa on the phone trying to change her address with her health insurance provider. When she finally reaches a human she states her old address, her new address, then adds "my name is going to stay the same." -Ginger Googles some guys she used to date out of boredom one afternoon. She finds this one guy she knew years ago that had broken her heart. She learns via the internet that he has become a Breathatarian, someone who only consumes natural liquids and air. She goes on about how he used to be when she knew him. She goes, "This would be like if your friend Dana DeArmond decided to become a born again virgin." -I am parking at the convenience store near my house. One of the dudes who works there is outside smoking a cigarette. He points at my license plates and goes, "Massachusetts, how long have you been here?" I tell him a year or so. He goes, "So isn't it about time to get California plates?" I tell him, "I guess i am still not sure if i want to stay." -Wednesday i am a little hungover from Tuesday night's festivities. I opt to drink a Sparks. I decide being slightly drunk sounds better than being slightly hungover. -David leaves the store Wednesday and goes to buy beer. After several beers, David passed out of the couch. After two Sparks, i started writing this. -I am telling one of the security guys at my work that i am excited we are hosting an LAPD event. I tell him i want to meet a hot cop. He inquires why. I go, "They have guns and they have power, you know?" He responds, "Sarah, who is watching your trailer?" -We go to some afterparty Tuesday evening on the roof on some apartment building. I go to get drinks for Dora and I and realize they are charging 5 dollars. I yell to Dora, "Let's go back to Cinespace where the drinks were free!" -My laptop caught on fire as most remember last week. What i thought was just a strange occurrence that was a part of my string of bad luck, ended up being a legitimate Dell recall. -I end up at Beauty Bar last night after working at the store, the club, and attending LA Weekly's Rock and Roll Bingo. So what this means is that i am walking around the bar with a giant purse containing a laptop and a change of clothes. I am trying to not injure anyone with my bag, as the bar fills up. I am standing at the bar when some dude taps me on the shoulder and announces, "You know they don't allow carry ons anymore." -After hitting half the customers in either the head or ass with my giant purse last night at the bar, i finally look for another option. I find Frankie Chan DJ extraordinaire and go, "Frankie, i love you can i put my bag behind the DJ booth?" He nods and starts to take it, then stops, and goes, "Did you just say Frankie, i love you?" I nodded, smiled, waved, and left the bag. -So i drop off a girl i know last night at her car by her work parking lot at 1am, in a less than high foot traffic area. She has managed to leave the gate key in the car and is unable to get into the lot any way besides jumping the 10 foot fence surrounding it. We are trying to come up with a plan as to how to get her into the lot, when some guy walks up and volunteers to hoist her up and over the fence. After all is said and done, and she makes it in. I go to price charming, "Do you just hang out here looking for girls that need to be rescued?" He assured me that he does. -I run into Rachel last night, the manager at Beauty Bar. She reminds me that the Beauty contest Semi-finals are coming up and to get ready. I go, "There are Semi-finals?" She reassures me that i can reuse my "clothes changing" talent. -Glen encounters me sitting on the curb in front of my work tonight smoking a cigarette. He inquires, "What's wrong with you? You look miserable?" I respond, "I am having a very "but, i went to college" kind of day." Best Week Ever: August 11th "This is your postcard from LA." -So I am running around in circles yelling in front of the store I work at. A teenage boy is walking down the sidewalk and looks at me frightened. I go, "There is a bee trying to sting me. I am not crazy." He stares blankly at me. I correct myself, "Well, I am crazy, but there IS a bee." -I am suffering from a case of life sickness this week and opted to check out what Rite Aid had to offer to cure me. I settled on Dramamine. It claims to cure motion sickness, so I figured it would be my best bet. -My mom comes to visit for a few days this week. My tour of LA involved a lot of shopping. We were on Robertson. My mom had gone into a store and I was standing outside talking to a boy I know. All of a sudden Nikki and Paris come down the sidewalk followed by a slew of photographers. I grab my mom and pull her out of the store, I point at the girls and announce, "This is your postcard from LA." -I take my mom into American Apparel to meet everybody I used to work with. Shocked, Naima remarks, "Sarah Morrison, are you wearing a bra?" I tell her I wore it for my mom. My mom thanked me. -My mom and I stop in to meet David at the vintage store I work at. Like usual, there are no customers. David says, "Well, we have had four people in already today." My mom excited says "Well, then we make six!" He corrects her, "No, you make four." -I interrupt one of the managers at my work by asking a question about a conversation he is not having with me. He turns to me and goes, "Sarah, I am talking to them right now. When I am done, the two of us can have our own little talk. Actually, why don't you talk to Ginger, (who is standing next to him) She seems to enjoy talking to you." Ginger turns to him and says, "I think what you just created might be classified as workplace hostility." -My mom wants to go to Malibu. I am not much of a sit on the beach person so I take her to the Country Mart. In the Malibu Fred Segal, I turn to my mom and go, "The beach is fun huh? It is just like the city, but closer to the water." -So my male roommate has a "perfume" or body spray that both Melissa and I really like and sometimes wear to his disappointment. He told us that the company that makes it also makes a similar fragrance that is a little bit more girlie. So I stop in the store in Malibu to inquire about this. I explain the scenario to the gentleman working. He shrugs and goes, "I don't know. I think that one is pretty girlie." So, I bought two bottles. -I am sitting outside of the store smoking a cigarettes. Some boy coming down the sidewalk stops and starts to make conversation with me. He tells me he sees me out front a lot. I tell him it is because I tend to get bored because we don't have that many customers. I inform him that I had checked twice that day to make sure the door was unlocked. -I text message a boy I know. He responds, "Who is this?" Once I inform him, he calls moments later to explain that his phone broke and he lost all his numbers when he got the new one. He is still explaining what happened when I interrupt, "So it's not me, it's you?" -One of our newest bus boys at the club has been given "a promotion" to the AV department. I tell my manager I would like to discuss my disappointment with being overlooked for the promotion. I go, "You may not think I am qualified for the position. But, I actually had a college radio show freshman year. And, regardless of the fact I have had two Ipods stolen, I have been making out with the DJ." She rolled her eyes and walked away. -Kene is discussing how much he likes one of the waitresses at work. He goes, "She is great, but a little dark." She then storms over, throws her bag down, and announces, "I hate everyone, but I like you guys." And storms back off. He goes, "See?" -David and Terry have a party at the store Friday night. As soon as I arrive, I encounter a drunk girl I know, have known for quite some time, and see on a regular basis. She goes, "Oh my god I thought you moved to Texas?" I respond, "That is Melissa. We are different people." She looked at me confused. -I tell Melissa that Chase is coming here in the fall. She goes, "So is H&M!" I add, "I think I am more excited about H&M." -One of the boys I work with is asking a billion questions about my strange vegetarian junk food diet. He goes, "So do you eat fruit?" I respond, "Fruit Skittles." -My computer power cord started sizzling, then caught on fire, and actually sort of burnt me, last night. I was at my third chain retail electronic store looking for assistance, today. Luckily, I am approached by a sales boy right when I arrive. I explain the whole scenario to him. I tell him I have spent 250 dollars today on power cords and other useless accessories, that will not work. I tell him I am thinking of trying to use the USB port. I continue on about some of my other ideas. I go on and on and finally look at him waiting for "assistance." He looks at my blankly and asks, "So, you just want your computer to turn on?" -You thought I could not possibly spend anymore time on Myspace. You were wrong. I am now writing about the interesting happenings at my work and maintaining Cinespace's Myspace profile. Come hang out or at least read about hanging out there. Add us as a friend. You don't want to miss events, dance nights, and funny stories about my workplace that only Sarah Morrison could bring you. Best Week Ever: August 4th "You could tell me you had herpes, and seriously half of LA would have it before I would even admit I ever knew." -I run into Glen out one evening with a bandana tied around his neck. I ask him if he is planning to rob someone. He informs me it is for "our shotgun wedding." -Glen later asks me if I wrote about Jessica Simpson waving to him in a parking garage in Ponytales (my celebrity gossip column) this week. I inform him I did not because no one cares. -I am mad at Stuart this week after he decides to spread a ridiculous rumor about me around "our" workplace. Stuart tries to tell me that I can not hate him forever. He adds, "We both have September birthdays." I go, "Well, my party is going to be better than yours. Stuart adds, "I am sure it will be." -After OK-ing my birthday party plans with the boys in charge of the evening. I ask Jason if I can have a pony. I inform him I would like to do pony rides on Hollywood Blvd. Jason says he has no problem as long as I can get a permit from the city. -I am complaining to Ginger that my legs hurt. She tells me her back hurts. She goes, "This is when I wish I had a boyfriend to rub my back and give me massages." I go, "I dont like people touching me." Ginger adds, "I do." -I am in line for the bathroom at a club Friday night. The girl behind me in line tells me that my purse is pulling up my dress and that she can see my butt. I turn around and go, "No you cant. I am wearing leggings. I would have to be wearing a thong for you to actually see my butt." -A boy I know who is in a local band comes out of the elevator at my work with large musical instruments. I stare at him confused and yell, "Are you like playing here?" To which he responds, "Are you like working here?" -One of the cooks is outside with me waiting for the door to open to our work. I proceed to sit on the ground. He says, "Sarah, you could not pay me enough to sit on Hollywood Blvd." I shrug. He adds, "I wear brand new socks everyday." I go, "I dont think I even own any socks." -I am sitting on the patio at my work smoking a cigarette. Ginger had just gotten up. A girl nearby asks me if I mind if she smokes weed. I go, "Um you can if you want, but I work here. (I point at Ginger) and thats my manager." She nods and puts it away. -I tell Ginger I want to rent a photobooth for my birthday party. She goes, "You dont need to RENT a photobooth. We have one already. Its called Cobrasnake." -Sergio and I are discussing some of the drama that goes on in our lives. I am telling him something top secret. When he interjects, "You know I can keep a secret like you could tell me you had herpes, and seriously half of LA would have it before I would even admit I ever knew." -I am telling Brooke that my truck got broken into and another Ipod stolen. She inquires, "Why would someone steal an Ipod? Dont they know they know they can get one free for outdancing the blonde on Myspace?" -It is approaching door time at my work, last night. We are talking about the plan for the evening, when one of the security dudes storms through. He drops a "No parking after 6pm" sign that is bent in half on the ground. He announces, "I couldnt find a parking spot, so I made my own." I go, "I dont even know what to say right now." Stuart picks up the sign, looks at it, and calmly states, "Thats sort of crazy." -I round up a few girls I know for this ZZ Top photo shoot Tuesday. I pick up my 18 year-old friend Dora in the morning, in the valley. I start panicing when I realize it is 1 am, Dora is drunk, supposed to be home at 1:30am, and I picked her up 14 hours ago. I tell Dora as she is waiting for the cab, "Your mom is probably like Sarah Morrison picked up my daughter at 11am this morning and has not brought her back. I am a bad babysitter." She goes, "No, You are the best babysitter ever!" -I manage to piss off Glen at like 4 am while walking home Tuesday evening, a little drunk. He crosses the street and walks on the opposite side of the street from me. At this point, Cops roll up and ask me how old I am and what I am doing walking alone. I tell them that I am 26 and pissed off the boy who was walking with me because I am an idiot. They go through every single thing I have with my name on it convinced everything is fake because they have decided I am 16. They then ask me if I am homeless. Lesson here kids: Do not piss of boys who are walking you home at 4am. -I am telling Stuart about this boy I like and the drama that has ensued because of it. He listens to the entire tale of my evening Tuesday. He goes on to tell me he likes working the door because he doesnt have to do anything. He just sits there and girls hit on him. I tell him I want to work the door too, so boys can hit on me. He announces, "No, then people will think you are my girlfriend and it will ruin everything." I roll my eyes and go, "Fine." -Ginger arrives at the store I work at and encounters Naima on my AIM talking to people and reading the conversations she is having with them out loud. I announce, "Naima is practicing to be my intern! Intern is going to talk to people on AIM for me and drive me around." Ginger goes, "You should make intern guard the truck at night watching your Ipod while you sleep." -I am wearing a dress working the door at the club, LAST night. Logically, I am collecting money, and storing it on the side of my underwear. Everything is going well until I realize I have just sort of flashed a bus and some old dudes jaw is dropped and does not seem to be closing. -I tell Ginger that I am going home for a bit because of some family stuff that needs me more than this does. She says, "I just want you to know that I am glad you are in my life and I dont think my life would be the same without you." All of a sudden, I realized this place might be home now. Best Week Ever: July 28th "Sarah, she is not an intern if she is just learning to be you." -Melissa is forcing me to model dresses in Hawaii, but the sun is a little much for photos. I recommend we wait until sunset. Melissa reminds me that sharks come out at night. She adds, "I wouldn't want one to jump out of the water and bite off your arm." I go, "Yeah, because then you would have to maintain my Myspace profile." -Some shitty song comes on the radio. I really do not notice it is that Nick Lachey song and am sort of just listening to the lyrics. I realize what it is and announce, "Nick Lachey is such a pussy." -Melissa and I are discussing pregnancy over dinner. I am informing her that I am going to smoke when pregnant. She is trying to talk me out of it. I then remind her that when our moms were pregnant doctors encouraged them to have a glass of wine at night and they did not know smoking was bad. Melissa continues preaching about the dangers of vices to unborn children. I go, "There has got to be a book that tells you what drugs aren't SO bad for your unborn child, a book that's like weed is better than drinking for your baby. Or maybe, if you smoke this many cigarettes a day it wont hurt anybody." Melissa goes, "Sarah, if there was a book like that they would pull it off the shelves." I go, "The bad girls guide to pregnancy." Melissa rolls her eyes. -Since I am unable to afford an assistant, I have opted to take the cheaper route. I am getting an intern. I tell Melissa she is going to shop with me, return Myspace messages, come out with me at night, grocery shop, and drive me around. Melissa goes, "If she is an intern, she needs to be learning something. Sarah, she is not an intern if she is just learning to be you." -I am telling Dana about my trip to Hawaii. She says she heard everything is more expensive in Hawaii. I inform her she is correct. She then asks, "Do they get paid more?" I tell her, "I dont know. I didn't get a job while I was there." -I am in the office at work, when my manager asks me to turn around. I am confused at first until I see him about to open the safe. I go, "You just want to look at my butt." -One evening this weekend, I am leaving work and trying to meet up with some already drunk friends. First they are in Silverlake, then they are going to Cahuenga, then Silverlake, then a bar on Hollywood. I begin to walk to the car, back towards work, bar to the car, and so on while reading their text messages. What felt like my tenth time on the corner of Hollywood and Vine, a boy standing on the corner goes, "Hey you look really familiar?" I stop, assuming I know him from somewhere. He points at me and says to his friend, "I know where I know her from, the other four times she has walked past us in the past ten minutes." -Melissa and Will run into Naima at Starbucks one morning. She tells Will, "Thats one of Sarah's high school friends." I tell Melissa Naima is going away to college soon. I tell her that Daryl already left and that Tiana is going in September. I go, "A lot of my friends are going away to college. It makes me sad." I then realize what I just said and remember how old I actually am. -We arrive at a birthday party for one of my coworkers after the club closed. The boys hosting the party had been celebrating all day and were a little intoxicated when our posse showed up. We are handed condoms by one drunk boy at the door. Ryan and I are looking at our respective condoms. Mine is labeled "Extra Warming." Ryan inquires, "Isn't sex like the hottest thing you could possibly do? I can't imagine you would need to be any warmer." I add, "Maybe it's in case the air conditioning is on." -I am dressed to go work at the store Monday morning. I am wearing a new white tank, I just bought. The shirt can not possibly be worn with a bra, like most of my shirts. Melissa looks at my boobs, then up at me alarmed. She says, "Let's go ask Will if you should have bought that shirt in red, instead." -Stuart informs me that everytime I am drunk and he tries to tell me something, I just roll my eyes and go, "I am Sarah Morrison!" I tell him that it seem like an appropriate thing for a drunk person to say. He adds, "It seems like an appropriate thing for a drunk "you" to say." -My exboyfriend Mike writes me telling me he went to a mutual friend of ours' wedding this weekend. I reply, "Marriage is scary. It's like forever. That's too long." -I show up at work Sunday evening because it was hot and I needed to get out of the house. Ginger goes, "So why are you here? For your check?" I respond, "That and the air conditioning." I add, "I helped customers at American Apparel this morning for their air conditioning." -Our marketing genius at work is explaining there is a girl he knows that is interested in working at our club doing security. Like most clubs, our security entourage is entirely male. He starts reading her strange sounding list of credentials which includes; carrying firearms, sharp shooting, court transcriptions, and heavy lifting. I add, "And, eating pussy." -Kene orders a pepperoni pizza tonight at work. He offers me a piece. I remind him that I don't eat meat. He then goes, "Pepperoni is not meat." He then adds, "I think I am going to make it in to Best week Ever." Best Week Ever: July 21st "I want my birthday party to be better than Lindsay Lohan's." -Melissa inquires whether I bought that Ashanti perfume for her for Christmas. I tell her I did. She then tells me just sprayed it and it reminded her of last winter. She goes, "I didn't think you could have memories from six months ago." -Melissa informs me she is bringing weed on the trip to Hawaii. I go, "In your bra?" She explains, "Let's just say I am double bagging it." -We get through security and into the terminal at LAX. Excited, I turn to Melissa and say, "My lighter made it through." She goes, "My vagina made it through." -Melissa points out that there are kids flying alone on our plane. I explain, "That's what I would do. I would put my kids on a plane and be like "Mommy will see you later." Melissa remarks, "Well, Joe Dirts parents left him at a campsite." -Melissa is reading some gossip magazine on the plane ride. I am sort of looking at it as she reads. The article that's open is about Lindsay Lohan's birthday party. Since I am in the planning stages of my own birthday party I announce, "I want my birthday party to be better than Lindsay Lohan's" Melissa reads, "It was at the Polaroid Beach House and was sponsored by Restoration Hardware." I go, "That's not fair. -Bettie is informing me she thinks she is watching too much television, due to the fact she is getting emotional and really identifying with Lindsay Lohan in that "Confessions of a Broken Heart" video. -I am writing the Ponytales column by the pool the other morning. Melissa is in the hotel pool. I yell, "Is it cold?" She responds, "I dont know. It is really wet." -We are driving up some mountain on the way to ride horses through some picturesque valley. We are passing fields and cows. Melissa remarks, "I want to be a cow." I tell her she probably does not. She adds, "I want to be a Hawaiian cow." -There is a dog named Coco that lives at the horse riding place. Melissa goes, "I like the name Coco. I wish Courtney Cox hadnt already used it. Oh, and that Gorilla." -I had never ridden a horse. After the adventure finished and I am finally standing on the ground, I explain to the girls next to me that my legs feel like they wont go together. I then ask them, "Do I look like a slut?" -The horse lady who is guiding us through the valley of beautiful Hawaiian beauty tells the group she is from South Dakota. Melissa remarks, "Sarah went to South Dakota." She asks me when I went. I tell her February. She looks confused and goes, "That is not exactly tourist season." I explain, "Yeah, I dont really like tourists." -Melissa is on the phone explaining to Will that she smuggled Weed in her vagina. He asks her what I brought in mine. Melissa goes, "A bowl." I correct them both, "Actually, a bong." -We are building a sand castle on the beach today with a four year old. The tide kept rising and starting to hit our castle. We kept adding more and more sand, but the water kept washing it away. Finally, the little girl gets up and announces, "I'm leaving. Bye." -We are driving in the rental car and are forced to listen to the weird radio stations it has to offer. We have found some sort of entertaining Oldies station. Simon and Garfunkel's "Sounds of Silence" comes on. The line "Take my arms that I might reach you" comes on. Melissa goes, "I have no idea what that last line was, but I swear he says "Take me I am a hairy Jew." -We are getting in the car today and I instruct Melissa to look at the little girl standing next to the car parked beside us because she looks like the pictures of Melissa when she was little. I go, "Look, it's a little you." She looks at the girl and back at me, confused. She explains, "I figured she would have candy or be wearing my outfit." I add, "Or be smoking Weed." "Exactly," she says. -I am sitting on the balcony and a bunch of boys come outside of the hotel room next to us. They introduce themselves and start making conversation. I yell inside to Melissa, "There are boys next door!" One of them corrects me, "We are not boys." I yell again, "We have men next door!" -I am reading my new Ponytales column out loud to Melissa. We get to a story about Jackie Chan getting drunk at a concert in Taiwan and being heckled off stage. I read the entire thing and Melissa announces, "Oh my god, the whole time you were reading this I thought it was about Frankie Chan." -We are at a Luau tonight. We sit in the middle of two families. One of the dads asks, "So, where are your husbands, golfing?" Melissa started laughing. I simply responded, "Yes, they are golfing." Best Week Ever: July 14th "I dont know. I measured myself with a ruler." -I am telling Melissa that my life is overwhelming me and I can not keep up with everything I need to do. I inform her that I need an assistant. She asks me what exactly I am going to have my assistant do. I list return Myspace messages, call people back, model from time to time, pay my credit cards bills on time, and drive me places. Melissa goes, "I think you need yoga not as assistant." -The "door guy" at my work is carrying the gates that set up the clubs door down the sidewalk. He says, "I feel like Jesus." Ginger and I tell assure him he looks like Jesus. I then add, "I think Jesus wore a wife beater too." -A boy I know had been dating this girl for a few weeks. After several disastrous evenings, she was committed to a mental facility. He had been visiting her throughout her stay. I decide to ask him this week how things are going. He responded, "Now instead of crazy sex, I get to play crazy Scrabble." -I am coerced into entering a Bad Girl Beauty Pageant at Beauty Bar Sunday evening, hosted by Santino of Project Runway fame. I volunteered to participate before I knew there was a talent portion. I enlisted everyone I work with to help me think of some sort of talent I could perform due to the fact I am sort of talentless. No one is particularly helpful. I am getting frustrated as Ginger inquires whether I have come up with anything. I start to yell "No" at her, when she hides behind Sergio and says, "Sarah is yelling at me because she doesnt have any talents." -Some sort of girl with a microphone and boy with a video camera combination approach me to do an interview before the contest begins. The girl interviewing me inquires, "If you win the 250 dollars, what are you going to do?" To which I reply, "I am going to quit my job! I am never going to have to work again!" -I get really excited once the Beauty Pageant gets underway. I looked around and realized all my friends had come. I go, "I am so happy. Everyone I care about in the world is here!" Ginger adds, "Except for Kiki." -I settle on changing my clothes three times on stage, as my talent in Sundays Beauty Pageant. Other than my heels getting caught repeatedly, it went well. After all was said and done and I received my "crown," a boy commended me, "Girls usually take ridiculous amounts of time to change. You blew my mind." -Ginger tells me Melissa has announced that she will collect ten percent of my Beauty Pageant winnings for being my "stage mom." I then go to Ginger, "She knows this is not EBay, right?" -I introduce Melissa to Sergio who is the other host at my work. Melissa goes, "Ohhhh this is Sergio. You are sick a lot." He whispers to her, "Well, just hung-over actually." Melissa says, "Thats what I told Sarah!" -Sergio is asking me if I am excited about my trip to Hawaii on Sunday. I tell him it will be fun once I get there, but I am stressing out about getting everything done before I leave. I am telling him I am going to have to write both my internet columns before I go. I then I ask, "Wait do they have internet in Hawaii?" -Pat, Kristen, and a few others are in the living room getting ready to go to a bar. Kristen and I are discussing a situation I got myself into that she does not approve of in the kitchen. We begin to enter the living room, sort of loudly. Two of the guests were having some sort of quiet discussion about the Italian language. One goes to the other, "Come sit over here and speak Italian with me." I sit down and go, "Kristen come over here and speak English with me." -A girl I know comes into the store I work at yesterday. She notices my cold and asks me how I got sick in the summer. I tell her it was from making out with some boy. She asks, "Is he hot?" To which I respond, "I guess not, but I sort of like him." She goes, "Sarah, you are being too deep for me." -I set up a girl I know to model for Mama Stone Vintage. Melissa asks her to send her measurements. Melissa informs me she has no idea what the girl I did, but her measurements were 18 ½ inch chest, 16 inch waist, and 19 inch hips. Melissa informs me she told the girl to try it again because her current measurements would make her a small Asian boy. I ran into the girl the other night and inquired about the measurement issue. She laughed and goes, "I dont know. I measured myself with a ruler." -A guy calls my work asking if we had found a phone after Tuesday nights festivities. I look around and find nothing. I get on the phone and tell him its not here and apologize. He says, "It is not your fault. I am the drunk asshole who lost it." I correct him, "You arent an asshole. You were just drunk." He thanks me. -I arrive at work last night with a smoothie. Stuart asks me what "boost" I got in it. I tell him I got the "girl one." Another one of the gentlemen I work with inquires, "So what does that do? Make you pretty?" To which Stuart adds, "Are you saying Sarah needs a pretty boost? Thats not nice." He corrects, "No, I was just worried she got one. If they had an ugly boost, Sarah should have gotten that one JUST to give the other girls a chance." I am still standing perplexed in the doorway with my drink, listening to the two of them and add, "That was clever!" -I am walking back from the bar tonight and hear one of the bussers say "I can see your thong." I panic, touch my butt, turn around, and go "No, You cant." He apologized, told me he can't see my underwear, and that he was just singing that "When you shake it I can see your thong" song. Best Week Ever: July 7th "How do you know I am not a virgin?" -I am sitting on the couch at work waiting for the air conditioning to kick in so I can accomplish something. A girl who works with me is walking by and stops directly in front of me and asks, "Did Sarah get a boob job?" I grab the little bit of boob I have and reply, "It is just an accentuating top." -Two girls I work with are discussing the abundance of Mexicans that live in the Los Angeles area. One of the girls goes, "California must have been filled with Mexicans before it was even California." The other girl responds, "Yeah, like when it was Mexico." -Sergio is informing me that one of the wait staff showed up with their significant other the previous evening. I ask him what the girl looked like. He goes, "A school teacher, wait no a Sub." -One evening this week, I encounter Pat and his dog enjoying a movie in the living room. Upon further inspection, I realize Pat is watching Brokeback Mountain with his dog in the living room. I tell him, "It does not get much gayer than this!" -Ginger encounters me wetting paper towels in the bathroom and inquires what I am doing. I tell her this is my high-tech way of cleaning the menus. She goes, "You know high-tech is just a fancy way to say breaks easily." I go, "Luckily, I cant really break the menus." -I receive a phone call Saturday evening at work. The (I am presuming drunk) girl goes, "Hi, I am just wondering if I can into your club with my fake, oh my god not fake, I mean expired ID." I tell her, "No." She goes, "But it just expired." I reply, "I am sure it just did and still No." -Ginger and I are at a bar this weekend. We go outside to smoke. The line to get in has grown to Disneyland proportions. A gentleman in said line goes to us, "Are all these people smoking or in line?" I go, "They are in line, but give them all cigarettes and they'll be smoking!" -Frank is telling us how one of his friends is getting girls at alarming rates. Ginger and I are inquiring what exactly it is about said boy that makes him so irresistible. Frank says it is his eyes. He then adds, "It is like there are thunderstorms in his eyes." We become alarmed at the thunderstorm reference and begin to get uncomfortable. Frank says to me, "Well, I am sure you could tell me why guys like Melissa. When you are friends with someone you notice that stuff." I respond, "Um, I would just say it is because she is pretty. No thunderstorms." -I get a soda at the San Diego zoo, Sunday afternoon. I ask if I could get a lid for my drink. The gentleman ringing me up says, "We do not permit lids or straws at the zoo. We lost a Hippo to a straw last year." -The San Diego zoo is sort of a letdown. A lot of exhibits have signs that read "Animals temporarily off exhibit." Jason I assume they had gone away for the Fourth of July. -The zoo cost 22 dollars Sunday. I did my math and due to the lack of actual animals present, each animal we saw cost us approximately 4.50. -Jason is talking about wanting to go to one of the outdoor movie screenings they hold weekly in an area cemetery. I tell him I dont want to because all they show are old "Nick-at-Nite" movies. -We celebrate America's birthday at Gingers. She and her roommate are discussing how they enjoy their condo complex. They are pointing to a park type area they have access to. I go, "But, you guys dont have a pool." Ginger adds, "We have a bathtub." I go, "So do I?" -We are watching the fireworks at Ginger's Tuesday. John realizes he left his dogs home alone and the animals may be freaking out do to the sound of the fireworks. He calls a neighbor to check on the dogs and see if they are barking uncontrollably. The neighbor informs John, "Yes, the dogs are barking. I think they like it!" -I drink too much on the Fourth of July. I am on my way to meet up with some boy I know at 3am. I keep insisting I need to go to Cahuenga and Vine. My designated driver who was not doing shots at the bar is explaining to me, "Sarah that is not a choice. Those streets are parallel to one another. You will remember that tomorrow. I am leaving you at Fountain and Cahuenga." He was right. -Some guy comes in to my work last night at 7pm looking to party. He goes, "Do you have any girls dancing here?" I inform him, "It is 7pm, so no. But, we did have girls dancing here last night and they were topless." He inquires, "Were you topless?" I tell him I was not. He asks if he can talk to my manger and tell them he would like to see me topless. I go, "Um that is just weird. Try one of the bars on Cahuenga." -Some sort of mystery box arrives at work. We open it and unveil a case of grapefruit citrus something or rather energy vitamin drink. I go, "Oh that sounds sort of yummy." The boy opening the box says, "Actually thats their slogan, Sarah. It says "Sort of yummy" right on the can." -I go to see the Devil Wears Prada. I put my phone on silent, but am obviously still checking it every half hour. I get an aim message from a name I do not recognize that reads, "Stop checking your phone." I start looking around the theater afraid I am being stalked. I respond to the message, "Is this god?" -I am in the ladies room at the club I work at. I am washing my hands when I see a guy comes out of one of the stalls. I go, "Um you are not a girl. You are not supposed to be in here." He goes, "Eh I dont have anything you ladies have not seen before. I respond, "How do you know I am not a virgin?" He says, "I just know." Best Week Ever: June 30th "It feels like Boston out." -Sergio, my host counterpart at work is complaining about his "love handles." So I pull up my dress and grab my sides to show him my love handles to make him feel better. At this very moment, one of the promoters walks by and announces, "This is the coolest thing I have ever seen happen at this place." -I am complaining about the fact we have a fashion show at work and there are a bunch of models taking up the space I would like to use for customers. Ginger then announces, "Sarah is a model." I correct her, "Sarah is not a model. Sarah lets Melissa take pictures of her in the driveway." -Pat wanders into the living room half asleep with the dog. He is trying to get her to go outside and pee. She is not going. So he says, "I will pee with you!" Both he and the dog head into the front yard. I stop what I am doing and sort of watch the door for a minute. They return a few minutes later. Pat says he did not "really pee." I don't believe him. -I am forced to model for Ms. Mama Stone Vintage on Sunday. It is hot and humid. I can not even pretend I am not miserable. I suggest we do some photos sitting, which Melissa does not really agree with. I announce from the ground, "It feels like Boston out." -I witness two former coworkers reunite and begin to reminisce about their former place of employment, Applebees. One begins to discuss some sort of scandalous story that involves a waitress being fired for passing around camera phone pictures of a male employees dick. At this point I go, "Wait she got fired? It wasnt even her dick." The gentleman telling the story goes, "Well, she sort of looked like it could have been hers." -I am complaining to David about how my nails are always so dirty. I go, "Maybe I should wear gloves." He sort of nods, Then I go, "Or maybe I should just shower more?" -Melissa is supposed to go to Boston Monday. Her flight and most East Coast bound flights are delayed and cancelled. She finally gets on a 10pm flight. She opts to return home for a brief vacation from her day at the airport and making phone calls to complain about her day at the airport. She is sitting in her room insisting on the phone that she wants a window seat. I go, "Who are you on the phone with now, an airplane?" -Ginger informs me Stuart said I was being "very graphic" the previous night. I tell her, "Yeah um Stuart told me he did not know what sex was. So I told him its like stuffing a turkey. I then asked him if he had ever stuffed a turkey?" -I am purchasing a box of Tampons, hot sauce, Sweet and Low, and three bottles of water at 7-11 the other night. I have no idea how strange my purchases look until I realize the guy behind me in line is sort of laughing. So they ring up my items and ask if I would like a bag. I go, "Yes, I would because I am buying a bunch of really weird stuff that for the record is not being used all at once." I turn and smile at the guy behind me in line. -I receive a voicemail message from an insurance company referencing the kid who hit my truck on the way to Bingo a week or two back. The message asks me to call them because they need a statement from me regarding the accident. I call them back and leave a message that says, "Hi this is Sarah Morrison. I am calling you guys back regarding the kid with the Hyundai who rear-ended my truck going like thirty miles an hour. I guess you guys want a statement from me. (I pause and realize what i just said) I guess this will probably do as a "statement." They never called back. -At work one night, some boy asks me and Sergio if we have any gum. We do not. He then asks us where he can get some. We suggest a place right around the corner. He thanks us. As he begins to walk away I say, "Hide it when you come back in because gum is not allowed inside." Sergio is confused and did not know this fact. I add, "Before I worked here I would come to the club and they would search our purses for gum. The first time, I thought they told me they were looking for "guns." -I run into a boy from Boston. He cut all his hair off. When I inquire why he chose to do so, he announces, "I didnt like my shadow." I sort of nod like it makes sense. -A girl at my work has really pretty long straight blonde hair. I am touching her hair last night, again. I tell her, "I feel like every time you turn around I am stroking your hair." She laughs. I go, "You are like Barbie when you first take her out of the package, before her hair gets all tangley. Your's never gets tangley. You are better than Barbie." -Some of the girls I work with and me are on the radio last night PRing my place of employment. I swear accidentally. When I get back to work, one of the club's owners begins asking me how everything went. I ask him, "Say I swore on the radio would you fire me?" He goes, "Sarah, I can not fire you for swearing on the radio." I pretend to know that. -So during our stint "on air" last night, another one of the clubs owner's is being asked about her kids. They ask her what her childrens' names are. She reveals her creatively named kids' identities. The gentleman interviewing us goes, "How did you come up with those names?" She shrugs and goes, "I dont know. I think I was high." -My best friend is moving away. I am discussing the situation with a girl I know last night. After I tell her the whole story, I announce, "This is the first time I have discussed this with out crying. Ask Ginger." -I arrive home and see a bunch of wood, power tools, and general disarray in the backyard. I am on the phone with Ginger at the time and tell her I think Pat is building something. She gets excited and says, "I hope it is a time machine!" I exclaim, "I hope it is a tree house!" -Jason calls the other day, while I am watching Oprah. I tell him the girl from Family Matters is on discussing how she became a porn star. He asks me which girl it is. I explain, "Not the one Urkel liked, but the other one." He goes, "I wish Urkel had gone into porn." I add, "Me too." -David owes me money and tries to give me some sum of his balance each week. As he hands me a bunch of quarters, I say, "Next time pay me in pennies." He points at me and goes, "I can do that Sarah!" Best Week Ever: June 23rd "Sorry doesnt really mean sorry. Presents mean sorry." -I introduce my exboyfriend Mike to a bunch of boys I know, at a party last weekend, where Mike was promoting his bio-diesel company. I say to the boys, "This is Mike. He is famous." One of them responds, "What are you famous for?" Mike replies, "Having sex with Sarah Morrison." -Mike is telling me how he had gone swimming somewhere in Orange County. He goes on to tell me he found this giant tadpole in the water. One of the girls with him started freaking out because it looked like a giant sperm. I go, "You know those alfalfa sprouts? I think those look like giant sperm.They should not be food." -I inform my dad I will not be buying him anything for Father's Day because he does not care. Therefore, it is a waste of my time and money. He agrees with this sentiment and tells me, "The fact I still pay your parking tickets is enough." -I am telling Ginger how proud I am that I have spent hours searching through my friend list to create a Myspace "Top 24." I tell her that I feel so much better because I had bumped a lot of my actual friends off for companies and what not. Finally, things finally feel right. She goes, "Sarah haven't you seen behind the music? When you bump people for companies, it's called "selling out." Good thing you are a writer and not a musician. If you were thats where the dark music would fade in and they would cut to commercial." -I am at Ben's in Orange County, one night this week. A boy, Pete I know from Boston is there, but is on his way to the airport. I ask him where he is going. He tells me he is going to Taiwan. Before I get to inquire about anything else, he states, "Don't worry I will still read your blog." -Suitcase in hand, Pete begins to tell me a story. He says, "Along time ago, I was at one of your parties in Boston. I fell asleep on the couch with hipster guys doing coke all around me. I woke up the next morning and my pants were gone." I look at him alarmed, "You found them, right?" He shakes his head "No." I ask, "So what did you do?" Pete goes, "I walked home in my boxers. They were sort of long, so they kind of looked like shorts." -Ginger buys a wonderful present for some of her friends and is trying to keep it a surprise. I tell her that I want a present too. She tells me not to worry because she has a great idea for my birthday. I go, "Is it a Bar mitzvah?" She didnt say it wasn't. -I am working at David's store, one day this week. David shows up for "reason unknown." A gentleman is trying on a pair of leather pants and decides he is going to purchase them. I head towards the counter expecting to ring him up. David stops me and informs me he is trading them for "a bunch of Mushrooms and some E." I sum the event up, "You are trading them for drugs?" He goes, "Yeah, put that on the receipt." -David and I are sitting outside the shop. A car driving by and yells, "Oh my god, its Sarah Morrison from the internet!" I wave and yell back, "Thanks for the add!" David is shocked and asks, "Woah, who was that?" I roll my eyes and go, "Pat Masterson." -Ben began his stint in Orange County staying with a friend of his "until he found a place." He has instead chosen to continue staying there, indefinitely. Ben and I are discussing the freedom that comes with not living "anywhere." He goes, "The only thing that makes me feel like I live here is my two magazines subscriptions." -I put in a time off request at work in writing for my trip to Hawaii, next month. Ginger remarks that I sign all time off requests with a heart and that this may classify as "workplace sexual harassment." -A gentleman socializing with Ginger and I one evening, informs us that they have banned smoking on beaches. We all discuss the injustice of this. We then try to figure out the rational in all of it. I simply state, "It because babies crawl in the sand. They eat the cigarette butts. Then they die." -Jason decides he wants Jack in the Box last night. We pull up to the drive thru. He turns to me, and asks if I want anything. I go, "Cigarettes." He places his food order and adds "and a pack of cigarettes." -I am telling Ginger that I am mad at Chase. I tell her, "He said sorry. Sorry doesnt really mean sorry. Presents mean sorry." Best Week Ever: June 16th "They aren't black, so people don't really think they are trash bags." -I accost a girl "out" the other night, to see if she wants to model for Mama Stone Vintage. I am telling Melissa the girl seems to be excited about it. I also inform her that Ginger keeps telling me the girl is 17. Melissa seems a little alarmed of her age. I reassure her, "Who cares? It is not like we are doing porn here." -Melissa is looking into fancy Boston area restaurants to take Will to, when the two of them vacation on the East Coast later in the month. She is telling him she found a place with 45 dollar stuffed lobsters. I go, "That is more than I pay to live here." -Pat, Melissa, and I all find ourselves in the kitchen one evening this week. Melissa announces, "This is like Three's Company. She then adds, "I don't want to be Janet." -Melissa plugs in one too many devices and the power goes out in half the house. She bitches and complains for a minute, then opts to go find the circuit breaker. She announces that she is turning everything off and back on. She then goes, "Everyone ready?" Both Pat and I respond that we are. She then adds, "Sarah you don't count." -Ginger tells me she has a piece of glass stuck in her foot. She then goes on to inform me it "kills" and it has been there for a while. I tell her to get it out. She informs me she has tried and given up. I tell her to try again or she will have to her foot amputated. She looks at me horrified. I reiterate, "Gangrene, then they cut your foot off." She goes, "But then I won't be able to wear shoes!" -Some person with too much time on her hands finds my nipples through some dress Melissa has me modeling on Ebay. Ebay take the dress down and informs Melissa she can re-list the item under the "Mature Audience" category. -Melissa and I are discussing an obligation I have, which I have enlisted her to be a part of. She says, "Well, if I couldn't have done it, you could have had Dana pretend to be me. She would just sit there and wave her hands in the air and go, "I'm Melissa. I like Vintage dresses and weed, the whole day." No one would have known. -We are cleaning up our mountain of clothes at the end of the flea market, Sunday. Melissa is handing me those industrial sized blue clear trash bags to put clothes in. She goes, "I feel ok about using these trash bags. They aren't black, so people don't really think they are trash bags." -I inform David that a girl, who has been known to periodically work at his store, came in and took 20 dollars out of the drawer for "gas money." I couldn't really stop her. In my defense, I tell him, "I felt like it was a hold-up." -I arrive at work Sunday night and learn we are hosting a Bar mitzvah, and probably coolest party I will ever even sort of attend. The bartender takes it upon himself to start calling Shirley Temples "Jessica Simpsons." He says it's "so we all know what we are talking about." -I am walking to my car, after my evening at the Bar mitzvah. I am still wearing several glowing necklaces both in my hair and as belts. I encounter some guy who stops me to ask for directions. It turns out he just wants to tell me how important he is in Hollywood. He goes on and on and I fake listen for five minutes or so. He then inquires about the glowing accessories. I inform him I am coming from a Bar mitzvah. He then says, "See in my business, I network with all sorts of people. I know a lot of Asians, an Indian guy, and you are Jewish. I realize what he just said and reply, "I am not Jewish." He tells me I told him I was coming from my Bar mitzvah. I laugh and go, "Um, that would make me 12." -Mike is in town. Mike was the love of my life in high school and a little of college. I agree to meet him at a bar. He calls to say he is going to be a few minutes late. I encourage him to hurry, due to the fact that guys are eyeing me sitting alone at the bar. He agrees to do his best. After fifteen minutes alone, Mike walks in, sits down next to me. The bartender comes over at the exact same second. He puts a shot of tequila in front of me and goes "This is from those guys over there." He puts down a beer in front of me and says, "And, this is from those guys over there." The bartender then says, "This is probably the best thing I have ever seen happen at this bar. Thank you." Mike is still at a loss for words from the whole event, so I hand him the beer and go "Enjoy!" -Ginger is supposed to meet Mike and me out the other evening. She says she is waiting for a cab. An hour goes by; she says the cab still has not come. She ends up finding a ride instead. After she arrives at the bar, the cab(s) she had been waiting for finally call. She remarks, "Taxi cabs are just like dudes. They only call you when you don't need them anymore." -Some guy rear-ends me today in a Hyundai Accent, while I am completely stopped. The front of his car was totally a mess, while nothing but a minor dent was visible on the bumper of my truck. We are discussing the situation, when some dude comes out of the building we are in front of. He hands me his card. He informs me he saw everything and I can call him if I need a witness. He then asks if I do any modeling or acting because he can get me some gigs. -Melissa asks me if I can ask the gentleman who just hit our car if he has any snacks. Luckily, he is standing next to her window and is able to hear her. He offers her gum. She declines. -I found a bra this week. I wore it to the Vivid-Alt Rock and Roll Bingo night we attended tonight. Melissa remarks, "For the first time ever, I can say you are the only girl here wearing a bra." -Melissa, Dana, Ginger and I end up standing in a semi-circle this evening. I introduce Ginger to Dana. I then realize all three of them are my friends, but they are not really friends with one another. Melissa announces, "This is how Sex and the City started." Dana says that makes me Carrie. She gets to be Samantha, Melissa is Miranda. Ginger gets upset, "I cant be Charlotte!" We agree with her and give up. I go, "I just like that I am Carrie." -Tomorrow is Dana's birthday. So, I gave her my present tonight. She thanks me, hugs me and says, "But, I didnt get you anything?" Melissa reminds her "It is not Sarah's birthday." Best Week Ever: June 9th "I think my mom just rolled her eyes and called me white trash, again." -We are informed at work we are being given performance reviews. I reminisce about when I had "real jobs" and had to give reviews out to the kids who worked for me. I inform both my manager and host counterpart that I made a couple kids who worked for me cry, I then realized I said "real jobs." -Ginger gives me half of her Macaroni and Cheese one evening. After eating it, I ask her if it had meat in it. She looks at me like I am an idiot and goes, "Meat?" I tell it tastes like bacon. She explains its some sort of fancy smoked cheese. I nod, "Oh, this happened once at my parents house. My mom had cheese and crackers out. I ate some cheese and spit it out and yelled, "Is this bacon cheese?" I think my mom just rolled her eyes and called me white trash, again." -We have a party Saturday evening. Well, Pat texts me at work to tell me he is having a party. It appears to be some girls birthday because there is a melting ice cream cake on the table. A lovely boy I know from Boston is staring at the cake and announces, "If I was on acid, I would stand here and watch this thing melt all night." -Another boy from Boston approaches me at the party. He informs me earlier in the day, he was discussing the first time we met at some party approximately a hundred years ago. It was at this house that eventually burned down, where he slept in the basement with three other boys I know. I announce, "The thing I miss so much about Boston is how it was cool to be poor." He smiles and agrees. -Some dude calls my work asking what the dress code is. I go through the rundown of what he can not wear. He seems to be listening. He asks if he should wear a shirt. I suggest a shirt is probably a good idea. He fumbles around trying to explain that he means a button down shirt. I inform him that the choice is up to him. He then asks, "Should I wear shoes?" I answer, "Yes." He goes on to inquire if he should wear boots. I finally inform him, "I don't really care what you wear, just wear shoes." -We are out to brunch one afternoon. I start to ask our waitress if she would judge me if I ordered dessert as my meal, when I am interrupted. Dana turns to me, informs me to be quiet, and says that she does this a lot. At this point, she addresses our waitress, "Sarah just came from a eating a large breakfast. She is just joining us for dessert. So she will be having ice cream." Dana places my order for me, smiles, hands the waitress the menu, and thanks her. -I remark that I love the restaurant we have chosen, not just for their desserts, but for the fact they have crushed ice. Between the three of us, we have at least seven half full cups of water and keep requesting more crushed ice. As Dana asks the waitress for ice refills, she wonders if she should instead be asking for water to seem a little less strange. I inform her, its no big deal it is like we are drinking "water slushies." -We are calling out an employee who printed quite a few promotional items with "dessert" misspelled as "desert." He informs us his spelling is not in fact incorrect, and that the word in question is spelled with one "s" in the Midwest. We attempt to disagree. He interjects, "I am older than you. It was a long time ago." I go, "I thought when you were young there werent vowels yet? Didn't they only use consonants?" -I am purchasing some item at my local Radio Shack the other day. As the teenage sales boy is ringing me up, that Natasha Bedingfield song "Unwritten" comes on. I go, "I really like this song." The boy checking me out ignores me. So I ask him if he likes the song. He shakes his head, inferring he does not. I continue, "Maybe its because I am a girl. Do you think maybe only girls like this song?" He hands me my bag and goes, "Probably." -I am standing in line at the ATM. I hear, "Oh my god, I love your outfit." I see what might appear as a run of the mill thugged out teenage boy, but ends up being an adorable gay boy with an affinity for really well put together Rocca Wear ensembles. He asks me, "Does it mean more when a gay guy tells you he likes your outfit?" I tell him, "It does, but I feel like you can see through me and know that I changed my shoes three times before I picked these ones." -I am having what was supposed to be dinner with a gentleman I know, but due to my arrival time is actually conversation and a table full of leftovers. He is informing me that a lady friend from his past is trying to get back in touch with him. He is discussing his lack of desire to see her at any point, ever. He states, "I do not want to be in the same city as her." I inquire, "So I am guessing you probably dont want to be inside her vagina?" -I decide to go shopping the other day. I feel defeated because I have not purchased anything when I arrive at Urban Outfitters. I try and try stuff on, looking for something to buy to satisfy my shopping urge. I end with a pile of god knows what. I stand and stand in line. After five minutes, I get a little annoyed and put everything down on the counter and leave. When I arrive at work I begin to tell the story of my unsuccessful day of shopping and state, "You do not ever really need anything at Urban Outfitters." Everyone agrees. -Some boy writes me a Myspace message and asks me to give him my thoughts on "something." I tell him I need a topic. He gives me "Overseas markets." So I go, "Diesel jeans are like the price of Gap jeans over there. That, my friend is bullshit." -We have some event at work with lots of technology and whatnot. I am asked if my "coat check" can turn into a "laptop check" by one of the women putting on the event. One of the girls who works with me is confused by the request and looks at me and says, "Well, we cant really hang laptops, right?" -I am bending over retrieving laptops off the floor during my make-shift "laptop check." The guy whose bag I am retrieving reminds me that I have a big heart tattooed on my back. I agree with his observation. He goes, "It must mean you have a really big heart." I shrug, "Sure, a really big BLACK heart." -David asks me what kind of jeans I am wearing. I am unsure and start to look at my butt. He inquires, "Are those Habitat for Humanity?" I go, "Um, they build houses for poor people." -I pass my work "performance review" with flying colors. There is some sort of question regarding if the employee complains about work related tasks and I receive the response, "Sarah complains, but not about work." Best Week Ever: June 2nd "Sarah Morrison is a bitch." -In response to last weeks accusation that I was unwanted at my place of employment, due to some computer issues, Ginger responds, "The computer really was fucked up. if I didn't want to keep you, I would have installed a host(ess) dress code." -Leaving the bar Saturday evening, Ginger informs me she has to pee. She then goes into how its oh so easy for guys to just pee where they want. She complains about the difficulty girls have with peeing in public. She states, "It would be easy if there were no such thing as jeans or shoes or feet." -I have a moment of "thanks" this week. I text message Chase, who is vacationing in Miami, "Thanks for being a friend." I inform him I think its a tv show theme song as well. He tells me it's Golden girls. This seems appropriate. -I receive a Myspace message this week from some boy wondering if I travel along some "LA, Austin, Boston axis." I inform him the axis has some great truck stops. -Jason inquires what we are doing, one night this week. I start to tell him Melissa and I are watching television and ordering takeout. He tells me he pictures us having pillow fights in our underwear and asks me not to ruin it for him. -At the bar one evening, some British dude taps me on the shoulder and goes, "Your buds are hanging out?" I go, "My butt?" He repeats, "Your buds." I look at my boobs and he points to my purse, where I see my headphones hanging out. He repeats, "Buds." I nod and thank him. -I am inquiring what exactly we are celebrating on Memorial day, Monday. Pat informs me that it is simply memories. Melissa is unsure. Dana arrives and I ask her what Memorial Day is for. Dana says, "It is for memorizing." -We decide to go out to lunch. Melissa suggests we walk to counteract the food we are going to consume. We arrive at the restaurant. Dana is still complaining about how hot she is. The waiter arrives and asks if we are ready to order. I sort of miss when Dana asks if he could suggest something "cold." He is going through the menu listing things like salad and granola, when I realize what is going on. I interject, "Wait, is he suggesting things that are cold for you to order off the menu?" Dana looks at the waiter and tells him, "Sarah Morrison is a bitch." -My laptop breaks today. My laptop actually broke last night after I spilled something on it. Its state has improved and the only letter key still unable to work is "I." I thought about using it to type this and just spelling out "eye" each time the letter appears, then opted not to. -I run out of gas today with Kiki covered in fleas and a laptop that needs repair. Melissa comes and gets Kiki. I am left to sit by the side of the road to wait for AAA. When the AAA dude arrives, he informs me how dangerous it is to run out of gas. I inform him how expensive gas it. He does not care. He tells me, "I have seen people die from running out of gas." I go, "I learned my lesson." He continues, "You could have died." I go, "Probably next time." -I return to pick Kiki up from her hundred dollar flea bath at the vets today. I am handed a soaking wet cat. Unclear what exactly happened with the two hours and hundred dollars besides a bunch of water, I take her anyways. When I am walking out the door, the vet slips me a twenty dollar bill saying he apologizes for my wet pet and hopes I return. Confused, I take the twenty and promise i would come back next time she looks dry. -Act Like You Know has gone on vacation. You will have to watch the news yourselves for a while. It will return in a month or so with some new packaging, a tan, and a really cute bikini. So stay tuned for updates. Thanks to Supercult and thanks to everybody for reading. Best Week Ever: May 26th "Happy McMorial Day and have a great Kentucky Fried Christmas!" -I am working the door at our club during some screening. Two girls who interned on the film are accompanying me. Some guy identifies himself as a writer for "In Touch." Once he heads in to the event, the two girls start giggling and freaking out. I inquire what about. One of the girls explains that the other wants to be a writer and that guy that walked in writes for "In Touch Weekly." I respond, "You guys know that's not a real magazine, right?" -Sergio my host-counterpart inquires if I will be able to take some of his shifts do to an additional job he has taken on at a restaurant on Colorado in Pasadena. I ask him where it is. He gives me the cross street. I go, "Sergio, you are talking to me. I dont know cross streets. Just tell me what store it's near." He tells me it's across from Tiffany. -At Starbucks, the guy working whispers to me and Melissa that one of the guys in line was in Swimfan. Less than discreetly, we both turn around, look at him, and agree. He goes on to tell us that lots of celebrities come in. I go, "Oh, like us!" He tells Melissa and I we are a different kind of celebrity. I inform him that "Melissa and Sarah" are just our coffee names. -Some girl calls my work inquiring whether we found her purse the night prior. I am actually surprised that we did have the bag and everything was still in it. She is freaking out on the phone. She tells me she doesn't want to come down and get it because she looks like shit and has been crying all day because she thought she lost the bag forever. I respond, "Don't worry my landlord is not giving me back my security deposit and this boy never paid me rent. Well, whatever I have been crying all day too. And, I work here." She tells me it made her feel better. She arrived shortly after to retrieve her purse. -We host a benefit one evening at work to "end hunger." I personally enjoy telling guests when they inquire about ordering food that "our kitchen is closed." -Walking home one afternoon, I am being hit on by some dudes out of the window of a moving car. Melissa inquires, "Do you think people would assume you were a hooker, if I was not walking with you?" She adds, "Well, I guess you have a purse and you are wearing jewelry. A hooker probably wouldn't." -Ginger, my manager is showing a new busser how to clock in and out using the computer. He asks her why he has not had to use this until now. I overhear her explaining how she waits to put people in the system until she really knows she wants to keep them. Appalled, I storm over to where they are standing and go, "It took like months for me to get in the computer." She is waving her hands and explaining, "No, Sarah that was a computer thing. The computer was all fucked up. Seriously." I mumble "right" and walk away. -I am on a date this week. My date tells me he wishes there was a way to get to know each other better without awkward conversation. I suggest we sit at computers, answer internet surveys, then exchange computers, and read one another's. -I am verbally assisting Ginger get over some guy she is into. I tell her there is probably something horrible about him that she has yet to discover. I suggest that he may shower too much or sleep too late. She looks at me and says, "That sounds like me." I go on to suggest that he might talk too much about records. She goes, "I do too." So I try, "Maybe he sleeps with socks on?" She shakes her head, "Nope, no socks." I shrug and give up. -Melissa informs me in the car this morning, she really likes the word "telephone." She tells me she likes how it sounds. She goes on to mention that she may name one of her children after this lovely sounding word and communication device. I add, "Good, you can call him Cell for short." She adds, "Or, Telly." -Before setting up the chairs, I ask a passing by employee at work whether the front bar is open. He inquires, "Why? You want a drink?" With a barstool in my hand I say, "Yes, I just want a drink." -Christian shows up at my work Monday night. He tells me he wants to see one of the bands playing, which I find strange. Luckily, Christian watched the season finale of 24 and is able to give me the entire rundown from beginning to end. After a few drinks he tells me, "I actually just knew you missed 24 and wanted to come and tell you what happened." -We end up at a shop called the Neglected Children's Thrift Store. Upon entering the store, we hear a screaming baby. Melissa announces, "I hear a neglected child!" -I see the Da Vinci Code this week. It is not good. My date and I are walking out of the theater and he attempts to see the films merits and says, "Well, at least they actually went to the places in the book." I add, "Sure, at least they did not go to like um the Glendale Galleria." -Melissa wonders if someday holidays will be sponsored by corporations. She references how the Boston Garden became the Fleet Center. She says, "What if someday we get excited about McMorial Day and Kentucky Fried Christmas?" Best Week Ever: May 19th "No, you can not have Sarah's share of the money. I have known her way longer." -One evening at work, we are overwhelmed by customers in wheelchairs. There are three currently in the lounge area. The AV guy comes over and tells us that we are at the "wheelchair capacity" for the club and have to turn away any other patrons who arrive in wheelchairs. We stare blankly at him. He then goes on to inform us that individuals in wheelchairs are equivalent to three customers without wheelchairs. He walks away and returns seconds later to inform us he is kidding. I sort of nod, pretending I knew. -Kristen has moved to New York. She has a new Myspace photo of her and her "New York friends" eating at some restaurant. When examining the photo, I realize that it's just her and three other girls from Boston, in New York. I tell her that I would like to see one thing in the photo proving they are not, in fact, in Boston. Kristen replies, "We are smiling." -Dana DeArmond informs us this week of her new boyfriend and new found happiness. Upset by the lack of well wishes from anyone other than me, Dana states, "Once again, Sarah Morrison is the only person in the world that really gives a shit about me and my life." -Melissa makes her will (high) on Saturday afternoon. She informs us that her money should be split four ways. A quarter of it goes to her parents to pay them back for those times she did not have rent money, a 1/4 to her sister for weed, a quarter to Will for his music career, and the last 1/4 is for me to start my magazine. Will is in the bathroom and shouts, "Can I have a Motrin?" She doesn't hear him and asks what he wants. I tell her that Will said he wants my share of the money. She yells, "No, you can not have Sarah's share of the money. I have known her way longer." -Google comes out with a downloadable version for your phone. I accuse Chase of leaking my "Pocket Googler" invention idea. He responds, "I've never mentioned the Pocket Googler once, since that conversation that went: "They already have a Pocket Googler. It's called the Sidekick." -A "reader" informs me he likes Best Week Ever better than Act Like You Know. He says "You're life is way more interesting and funnier than politicians and celebrities." -Melissa opens her newly purchased Snapple, at a convenience store the other evening. She reads the cap out loud, "The first ballpoint pen was made in 1945 and cost 12 dollars." We begin to discuss the fact with the cashier. I go, "I should have just bought Snapples instead of going to college. I would have saved my dad a lot of money." -Will plays a show at the Silverlake Lounge Tuesday night. I am singing along and enjoying the show when Will forgets the words, and I am still singing. Melissa yells, "Why don't we have Sarah come up there and help you?" -So, I am homeless again. I am signing the paperwork at my newest storage facility. The lady is running off some sort of list of things I can not store in the unit, while I am signing a stack of paperwork. I hear guns, bombs, explosives, and then children. I look up and inquire if she just said children. She shakes her head, "You can not store children OR animals in out units." I look back down at my paperwork and go, "Oh, ok." -Ginger meets some dream boy on vacation. When I ask what he does for a living, she tells me he blows glass. I go, "That shit takes years off your life. You better get on this before he is dead." She then disappeared for a while to Google it. -My landlord calls to ask me out, again. This time, he thinks I should go to Vegas with him for the weekend. I decline. He tells me he thinks I have anger towards men. I tell him I hate Vegas. -I receive a Myspace comment this week that reads "Dude your like the Indie Rock Tila Tequila." -Once Will's set is complete, he says his "thank yous" and starts to leave the stage. Melissa and Victoria together brilliantly announce, "Up next will be Sarah Morrison, covering Brothers and Sisters music in both song and interpretive dance." -Rob, of Reviewer Mag wrote in his blog, "Yesterday I read somewhere on the internet, or maybe it was in the bulldog edition of the local paper (but I doubt it), that "Mothers always love their children more than fathers because they're more certain that they are their own." He is informed he actually read it in "Sarah Morrison's blog." -I tell Brooke that I have a date this week. I say, "He is really cute and nice. The only thing is he seems like he has ADD." She goes, "You guys will be perfect for each other." Best Week Ever: May 12th "Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain that they are their own."-Aristotle" -My manager at work is talking to one of the Mexican bussers. I overhear him say, "I need you to clean the screening room con Travis." I laugh. He explains, "Sarah, what you just witnessed was two adults trying to communicate in one another's languages." -I receive an email from Chase yesterday that read, "Where is Newark?" -I walk in on Melissa and her computer screen open to the 1-800 Flowers page. I inquire if she is ordering Mothers Day flowers. She goes, "Yeah, but they are all really ugly. The funeral ones were way better." -I am reading some article on Bush and the CIA leaking fiasco and say, "What is Valerie Plame going to do now? Just go get a temp job?" Melissa responds, "It's like when those MTV reality stars have to go get jobs and everyone knows about their drinking problem." -Erik informs me that he finally mailed the money he owed me for rent. This was two weeks ago. Shockingly, nothing ever arrives. I am complaining to my mother about this. She says, "You are never going to get that money." I respond, "And he will never get to have sex with me again." -I meet some boy who is a friend of David, who runs the vintage store I work at periodically. The boy asks me where I am from. I tell him that I am from Boston. He goes, "Oh, thats why you dont annoy me." -Melissa screams from her bedroom, to me in the livingroom, "I just found a pair of your underwear in my bed." One of the neighbors walks by her open window at that very moment and yells, "Excellent!" -Later on that day I remark to Melissa (regarding the panties), "Its not like I was stripping in your bed. They were probably just on top of your bed and got lost somehow." Melissa says, "Oh, I know." I have a flash and start to go, "Wait...ohhh" I realize she has already left the room, so I stop. -I send my mom a bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day. On the card I put the quote, "Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain that they are their own."-Aristotle. My mom thought it was funny. Apparently, it pissed off my dad. -I arrive at work yesterday at four with little to do, until seven. One of the girls who works in the office looks around, then suggests I wipe down the walls with a wet rag. Stuart starts laughing and adds, "And, once you finish if you could do the ceilings? That would be great." -A boy I work with comes in last night amazingly still hungover from the night before. He sits down next to me, and puts his head on the table. I inquire, "You were hungover last time I saw you? Is excessive drinking like your new thing?" He tells me it was his friend's birthday the night prior. I add, "Oh so it's not your fault. It's your friends fault for being born." He sits up and goes, "Exactly." -Supercult.com's Annie is in charge of putting up my column. She writes me an email telling me she will put it up Saturday afternoon. She has been watching her brother's girlfriend's son. They were at the beach and zoo yesterday and off to Chuck E Cheese this morning. I reply, "I like children so much better than adults." -Dateline or some similar show has a segment last night on the crackdown on street vendors. They are showing roaches, mold, and other horrific shit you would not want near any thing that you would think about eating. They are going around and shutting down unlicensed vendors. This is upsetting Melissa due to her fondness for "their" hotdogs wrapped in bacon. Melissa remarks, "Children are full of germs and make every one sick When Sarah taught, she was always sick. We aren't packing up kids and sending them away wrapped in bacon? Are we?" Best Week Ever: May 5th "I was having sex with 17 year old boys when you were 7." -A white dude with dread locks comes in for sound check yesterday afternoon, at work. He is very upset that the audio people are not present and is later outraged by the situation. He begins to lose it and is threatening to break into our sound room and yelling about the injustices of audio. One of the boys I work with inquires, "Isn't an angry dude with dreadlocks an oxymoron?" I remind him that its a white dude with dreadlocks. -I am informing one of the girls I work with that one of our male promoters smells really good. I encourage her to go smell him. One of the security dudes has just arrived to work. He says he encountered Chris on the way in going, "I look good. I feel good. And, Sarah says I smell good." -One of my favorite American Apparel employees comes into the vintage store I work at one day this week. We are discussing the retail world that is American Apparel, which I retired from back in January. We are on the topic of "Style Check," where you call another store looking for a particular item. She goes, "Bandeau dress, asphalt, medium!" I remind her that the bandeau dress does not come in asphalt. She is impressed. -I am working at the vintage store with a girl who has just suffered a break-up, via email. She is miserable to say the least. After changing her outfit three times and consuming a good amount of French fries and beer, she announces she just wants "chocolate and drugs." I endorse this method of healing. -Some 17 year old boy on Myspace writes me, educating me of his size and recommends he put it in my ass. I inform him that I doubt "it" has been in a single ass yet, but wish him luck in making his dreams come true. He suggests he show me what he has to offer. I decline and inform him, "I was having sex with 17 year old boys when you were 7." -Tuesday evening, I stay at the club after work to socialize a bit with some friends. Jessica, Megan, and I are standing within proximity to some drunk girl standing on one of the couches, dancing. My manager walks by, grabs me by the shoulder, points at the girl, and goes, "Sarah, is she one of yours?" I respond horrified, "No, my friends do not stand on furniture!" -We are out of brochures for the club, one evening. The man responsible for the mishap calls to say he is running to Kinkos to make more and will be there shortly. He apologizes and asks if he can bring me something. I request he just copy me something "extra special." -Melissa and I run into a girl she does not want to talk to, shopping early one morning. Melissa goes on doing what she was doing, while I decide to listen to the girl discuss her latest break up in detail. She is worried he may have been the one. She is not sure the breakup was for the best. I remind her I am almost 27 and have not had a boyfriend in years. She is young and will be just fine. Melissa reiterates in the car, how she did not want to talk to the girl in question. I commend myself, "Luckily, I can talk to anyone about how I am going to die alone." -I arrive at American Apparel for some sort of low budget Cinco de Mayo celebration. I am the only non-employee at the party. Everyone working is dressed in red, white, and green hooters shorts and tank tops. I inquire why everyone looks like slutty elves. They correct me, "We are the "Mexican flag." -After receiving my paycheck at work one night, I tell one of the girls I need to make more money, somehow. Coat check is over. Its too warm for coats. She says, "Screw coat check. You were too good for that. Lets just get you a pole and put that damn tip jar out." -While trying on some new bodysuit at American Apparel the other day, I am startled by how low cut the thing is. Naima is telling me how much she likes it. I turn to her and let her know it barely covers my nipples. Naima pauses and asks, "What is Sarah Morrison famous for?" I shrug and go, "My nipples?" She nods. Best Week Ever: April 28th "I know you dont think the weed makes you high, but I am not counting windmill rotations." -Some dude writes me a Myspace message telling me he thinks my photos are "Vegas." So I go, "What does "Vegas" mean, hungover?" It does not. It apparently means "good." Maybe he's never been to Vegas. -Melissa's cat wears a harness. At times, it is hooked to a leash and attached to the coffee table, so the cat does not run away. The cat is wearing its harness in case it needs to be affixed to the coffee table at any moment, at our Barbeque Sunday. Melissa attaches a note to the cat that reads, "Human, please bring brownies to Melissa. Oh, and one for Sarah too." We send the cat into the party. Within two minutes, we receive three brownies and a cupcake. -Dana is sitting and enjoying our company at the barbeque Sunday. Until, Melissa lights a bowl and smoke goes in Dana's direction. She starts screaming, jumping up and down, and runs out of the room yelling. At this point, I suggest we put Dana on a harness and attach her to the coffee table. -The boy who lives in my apartment does not pay rent. I inquire several times about this, and suggest he start. He calls me crazy on the phone one night this week as I ask for the money for the third time. I respond, "Crazy? I am asking for rent money. Its not like I am faking a pregnancy." -We are sitting in Melissa's room interneting during Sunday's festivities. The bathroom is right across the hall. I am in earshot of the bathroom line conversations. Two people are discussing the level of Vegan-ness of the food. I overhear some girl informing her friend that she heard the lemonade is Vegan. At which point, I turn to Dana and Melissa and announce, "Some girl just called the Lemonade Vegan!" -Several boys I work with are discussing working out and their gym memberships. One informs the group he is working on his stomach. Stuart announces, "I am working out, so Sarah will love me." -Melissa is getting really into those giant windmills out in the desert, on the way to Palm Springs this week. She is counting rotations, doing math in her head, then announcing their "RPMs" to me. I look out the window, hoping she will stop. The windmills apparently speed up. She is recounting, and now informing me of their miles per hour. I simply state, "Melissa, I know you dont think the weed makes you high, but I am not counting windmill rotations." -I see one of those cereal commercials encouraging me to replace all meals with *said* cereal. I then will instantly lose ten pounds and want to wear slutty red dresses, at all times. I go to Melissa, "Maybe I should do that?" She replies, "Sarah, replace actual meals with a bowl of anything and you will lose weight; a bowl of cereal, a bowl of socks..." -Taylor Anne's birthday comes and goes this week. There is an early barbeque and plans to go out dancing later. Tiana and I encounter Christian right when we arrive. He is a little drunk, due to the fact he will not be attending the dancing end of the festivities. He works early the following morning, so he chose instead to start drinking early. Tiana and I are sitting. Christian tries to use the chair I am in for leverage, as he attempts to sit on the ground. He starts to fall, then spins on his butt a little. He goes, "I didnt fall. I tried to make it look cool." We agreed. I reassure him it was sort of like break dancing. This makes him happy. -Taylor Anne's directions to dancing lead us to a place called Gower Gulch, where it is "monster/gangster drag queen burlesque night." Gower Gulch is one of those places I have always wondered about. It is in a plaza between a Starbucks and a Rite Aid. And, has its very own Denny's in the parking lot. Tiana reminds me, this is the Denny's where her parents met. She goes home to tell her mom where we had been that evening and her mom excited says, "You were conceived in that Denny's! Did I ever tell you that? Well, it wasnt Denny's then. It was Archie's. I really hate Denny's, their coffee is terrible." -Tiana is probably moving to Minnesota to go to school. I tell her that I promise to visit so we can go to the Mall of America. It is the only National monument I haven't been to. -I request the boy send me a money order and have one of his friends move his stuff out of the apartment, after our lovely conversation the other evening. His friend arrives to collect his sneakers and other miscellaneous belongings. He informs me that he is glad he never slept with Erik. -Over desserts the other afternoon, Megan is telling me about the additions that have been made to the retail store she works at. She informs me that they have added horrible fluorescent lighting. She states, "It's like working in a refrigerator." -I leave my coat at some restaurant in Palm Springs, one afternoon this week. I call the manager the following day, hoping they had it and could send it to me. Sort of upset she tells me, "It fits me perfectly. I was hoping you would not call. I have already been planning outfits around it." -I am rushing to get to work yesterday. I realize that my gas light is on, and has been for quite some time. I stop and put five dollars in. My gas light is still on. Best Week Ever: April 21st "You dont really have to ever take your shirt off. It is not like you really need your boobs for anything." -My mother asks me what we are doing for Easter. I tell her that I tried to encourage Pat Masterson to cook, but he declined. She goes, "Well, Sarah it is one of those questionable holidays. She then says, "Just have Melissa cook. Shes Jewish." -Melissa and I decide to go on a walk, on Easter. I arrive at her house hours later than planned, and find her lying in her bed. She is expressing her disinterest in walking and announces, "I wish there were motorized carts that brought you places so you didnt have to walk." I inform her, "I have a giant one outside. I call it the car." -I go into David's store for a refresher course in how to work retail. David, and the stores other owner Terry, have somehow become the parents of two baby chicks. The adorable birds are wandering around the store, shitting everywhere. The two of them are brainstorming on how they are going to find a home for the birds. Terry suggests, "Why dont we have Sarah post about it on her Myspace?" I look at both of them bewildered, and immediately answer "No." -Kristen hosts a small social gathering, Saturday evening. Christian is standing on the porch with me. He asks me, "How many people here are from Boston?" I actually begin to look around and count. I get to 11 and just announce, "Everyone, but you." -I am working during a party for the Indian Film Festival, this week. One of the girls I work with comes over to tell me that people from Nickelodeon are there. They are in the other room, discussing what they are looking for in new writers. She encourages me to go in and listen. Not really getting why Nickelodeon is there, I inquire, "I thought this was an Indian Film festival?" She tells me it's for Indian writers. Still confused I add, "But, I'm not Indian? -Dana is on Howard Stern being "penetrated" by a dildo attached to a power saw. We watch the entirety of this televised spectacle. I just point at the screen the whole time repeating, "Thats my friend!" -We are on the topic of "actors we would like to have sex with," one sort-of-slow evening at work. Ginger announces her choice of Hugh Jackman. She goes on to clarify that it is "only when he is Wolverine." She then reminds me that Wolverine has a bionic penis. Confused still, I respond, "Yeah, but a really hairy one." She shrugs. -Melissa and I are discussing time saving sex tips, in the car one morning this week. She informs me, "You dont really have to ever take your shirt off. It is not like you really need your boobs for anything." -One of the door guys I work with asks one of the waitresses if she has been "vacationing at Mystic Tan." She goes, "I dont think I like you." She then, storms off. I tell him that I like him. -Last night, I did what the Hollywood world calls "Bottle Service." This is where I get people with lots of money to sit at tables and drink lots of expensive alcohol. The bar manger is talking to me before this ordeal begins. He instructs me to get him or one of the security dudes if anyone gives me any trouble. He then goes, "You know how to fight, right?" I remind him that I am from Boston. He gets up to leave and adds, "Being from Boston just means you have bad luck." Best Week Ever: April 14th "There is no smoking in Portland." -Ginger gives me a hundred dollars, and a list of colors she likes. She instructs me to buy her "things she will like" at H&M. I am relieved, she likes everything I get. I inform her that the whole experience was very stressful and anxiety filled, but sort of an adrenaline rush at the same time. I go on to tell her it felt very "NASCAR." -One of the girls I work with asks me what movie is showing that evening. I inform her it is "Everything is Illuminated." She looks at me blankly. So I go on to tell her that "that Hobbit Elijah Wood is in it." She goes, "Oh a Hobbit." "You can not really ever BE a Hobbit and go back," I add. She agrees. -Dana informs me she is pulling a "Sarah Morrison" and hanging out with some exboyfriend of hers. I remind her it is actually smarter than it sounds. They already know we are crazy and we already know how they are in bed. -A boy I work with is raising his two nieces. He is discussing the morals and values he is trying to instill in the girls. He then goes on to tell us how he wants them to commit in relationships. He is teaching them that relationships are monogamous. They must commit to one person and only one person. At this point I inquire, "So what, you are going to do, ground her if she cheats on her boyfriend?" He informs me that I missed the point. -One of the managers at my work comes over to me and tells me that everyone says that I am really funny. "Everyone?" I inquire. He nods and instructs me to say something funny. I couldn't think of anything. -I ask one of the door guys at work if our venue is hosting a fashion show that evening. He tells me he does not know. I inform him that I am going to start making things up when people call and ask what is going on that evening. He says, "Just say, I dont know about a fashion show, but there will be free blowjobs from 10-11pm, so cum early!" -Brooke calls to tell me she bought a house. Melissa can hear enough of the conversation to understand what is going on. Melissa states, "I want a house more than I want a baby." -I want a Churro and want Melissa to go get it for me on Sunday at the Rosebowl. I call them Cholos at least three times, which is beginning to upset her. She finally announces, "Ok bye. I am going to look for Cholos." -I am pulled aside, while going through security at LAX, because something in my purse has come up as questionable when it went through the X-ray. I stand by, while some security dude pulls out four lighters and a can of Mace. I go, "This must look really shady right now." He shrugs. I turn to see the ten other security people staring at me and go, "I swear I am not a Terrorist." One of the security guys hold his hands up and goes, "We dont judge." -I am standing outside on the sidewalk at the Portland Airport smoking a cigarette. Some guy who appears to be an Airport employee is staring at me. He finally comes over and says, "There is no smoking in Portland." -Brooke, Jason, and I are at Blockbuster one evening this week. We encounter a section called "Brokeback Mountain: Expandable Knowledge." This selection of DVDs includes some really gay looking low budget movie, Boys Dont Cry, some others comparable gay flicks, and the Hours. Brooke goes, "Why is the Hours in that section?" I inform her that Lesbians are gay too. -I offer Jason five dollars to put Listerine Pocket Strips in his eyes like contacts. He declines. -Jason tells me that William Shatner was the first person to sign up for this whole "open call trip to space," the government is endorsing. I say, "William Shatner huh? I am going to look into that." Brooke goes, "I thought you were running out of credit?" -Stuart inquires how it is that I can spend 400 dollars at H&M, but can not spend 3.49 on a protein bar. (See last week for more on the protein bar) -I receive a Myspace message from a girl entitled "The Energy Crisis." In said message she suggests the energy crisis could be solved if we were to harness all of the energy of my admirers. She then informs me that it might be equivalent to the "Care Bear Stare." -I inform everyone in the car on the way back from Seattle late the other night, I have already made the decision to sleep in my clothes. Jason goes, "I hate when you sleep in socks though, and they get twisted and bunched up." I point at him and add, "That does not happen when you are still wearing shoes!" -I am smoking a cigarette on Brooke's front porch, when I am approached by a guy on a cell phone that is doing construction next door. He tells the person on the phone to hold on and that he "is going to ask some girl out." He inquires if I am single. I go, "Yeah, but I live with some boy." He nods and walks away. -Brooke tells us that Scott Koerner thinks she should start dressing better in order to get a decent dude. Jason says, "A decent dude? Thats like trying to get a sane girl. Both are like finding Bigfoot." -I make friends with a 17 year old high school senior, who has been in Portland looking at a college and is headed to LA to do the same, during my six hour stint at the airport today. She is interested in Sociology, so I am giving her the rundown, while throwing in a few life lessons. We are waiting in line together to get on our new flight, when two Japanese businessmen cut right in front of us. We are the last people in line. So this seems a little obvious and a little silly. My high school friend goes, "So you guys cut us huh?" They turn around and nod. Nodding i go, "Cutting the ladies..." One of them turns around and waves. I then add, "All because we have boobs." They smile and nod. I scare the high school girl a little, but eh shes going to college soon. -My Alaska Airlines flight home today is delayed and delayed and finally cancelled. I am one of the last to get on board some United flight that has also been delayed, but was actually leaving the airport. A flight attendant comes on over the loud speaker and goes, "Welcome United passengers thanks for choosing us. Welcome Alaska customers, sorry about your five hour delay. I bet you will never choose them again. Next time choose United, the home of the two hour delay!" -I am using my Sidekick-esque phone device to write myself notes while in flight today. The girl next to me initially sort of startled goes, "Is that a phone?" I tell her it is. She then starts to lose it, "You are supposed to have it off. Thats really dangerous. You are going to kill us." I try to explain to her that I use it to write things down and thats its not working as a phone. I then explain to her its ok with the airline and whatnot. I remind her of the announcement they made about said devices. I then reassure her that "I am not going to kill her." She shuts up, but i get out my laptop. She then picks up all her stuff, goes and tells on me, and sits somewhere else. Some flight attendant comes over because she "heard" I am making phone calls mid air. Shockingly, I am not. Best Week Ever: April 7th "Do people just think I hang out here a lot?" -I am attempting to do a voice recording via telephone for the upcoming Waffles and Falafels Podcast. I am asked to slow down every single time I attempt to recite my part. I finally get it sort of right or right enough for them to splice a few of my attempts together to make it work. I go, "This is why I type." -Stuart inquires, at work one day this week, whether I am wearing jeans, as I walk by him wearing some. I respond, "No, I am not." He continues, "I don't think I have ever seen you in jeans before." I try to tell him he has. Shaking his head he responds, "No, you always wear Spandex." -Melissa's EBay store and both Myspace accounts are hacked into and deleted. Her EBay store is closed. Both her Mama Stone Vintage and personal Myspace accounts are also removed. She is discussing the chain of events at Will's with a few guests. Apparently, Mike Torres informs her, "I am kind of drunk so I will tell you. Sarah Morrison did it. She has your passwords. She did this. She was just tired of your Mama Stone bullshit." Melissa apparently then responds, "But, the EBay stuff. She could not have figured that out?" At which point Mike goes, "Yeah, she didnt get help from Chase or anything." Melissa believes this and continued to question if everyone is sure Mike is kidding for the following hour. -A bunch of people I actually know, attend one of the movie screenings at my work this week. A girl I know turns to me, and asks, "Who did you come here with?" I remind her, I work there. I then inquire, "Do people just think I hang out here a lot?" -With Erik's encouragement, I try to make the landlord feel bad for me by leading him to believe Erik "left" me. I try to allude to not knowing where he went or why, in hopes of getting out of signing a lease. None of this works at all, and I am meeting him tomorrow morning to sign a one year lease. But, he has called twice since to see if I would like to go out for drinks. -Stuart is trying to explain to several people who have gathered around him that he shaved his head to "get" Natalie Portman. One of the audience members informs Stuart that he has met the female in question, and she is "really hott." At which point, Stuart points at me and corrects, "Not as hott as Sarah." I laughed, but still dont get it. -Brooke is updating me on the status of her house hunting venture. I tell her I just think it's strange that she is buying a house. "Buying a house is like getting married." Then Brooke tries to tell me that you can sell a house but, you can't sell a husband. I add, "I don't know about that, Brooke." -I have gained a little more than five pounds according to Melissas scale. I am trying to make some sort of effort to not eat junk food all the time, in order to get back into some of my jeans. I stop at a gas station one morning this week. I decide to buy one of those protein bars. I bring it up to the register and it rings up as $3.49. So, I put it back and get a bag of Chocolate Chip Cookies for $.59. I do own a lot of Spandex. -An ad comes on the radio for Adam Carolla's show, yesterday. I go, "I wonder how that is?" Melissa informs me she does not watch it. I inform her that she does not "listen" to it. She then adds, "Oh the radio? All I listen to is Spanish stations and to Scan." -Sue is drunk and tells me she is in love with a boy she knows (only) from the internet. She then asks me, "What is she to do?" I inform her that she is to realize that every thing is better when you can delete and retype your words. That is something you can not do in life. -We are up in San Francisco this week. My brother formerly lived in San Francisco and worked at the Levis store there, until recently. I am making a purchase in said store and ask the kid ringing me up, if he knows Sam. He responds, "Yeah, he lives with your parents now, right?" I nod and take my bag. -Chase is being interviewed by Rob of Reviewer magazine. The first question he is asked is something about how his whole career got started. The second question is about how Chase is coping with the fact he is no longer dating Sarah Morrison and she is talking about other dudes on the internet. -One of the boys I work with is discussing growing out his beard. I inform him that I think beards are weird. He tells me the reason I find beards weird is because I can not grow one. He then goes on to tell me that he thinks boobs are weird, but fun. I, in turn should feel the same about beards. Best Week Ever: March 31st "I think I am just allergic to being alone." -I pass out appetizers at work this evening. This involves you dressing in black and carrying around a heavy tray of miniature food with one hand. After I finish this task, I am complaining to one of the boys I work with about how much my arm hurts. I inform him I thought I was stronger. I then add, "It was not like it was my left arm. It was my right, which I use a lot." He responds, "Oh yeah doing what?" I inform him, "Writing things down and smoking cigarettes." -Erik is away for two months. I inform him upon his departure that he will not recognize me when he returns because I am going to start shaving my arms. No one will. I am hardly recognizable. -While the drunk crowd begins to exit the club I work at Saturday evening, the door dude yells "Thanks for coming on her face." Not a single person notices. -Saturday evening, the girl who does the list downstairs comes up to my coat check stand and asks me if "those two boys found me?" I look at her confused. She goes, "I let in these boys that said they knew you? They didn't come over here?" "Well, maybe they did not need to check their coats?" I add. -I am complaining to Brooke about the latest boy situation that I have managed to sabotage. I am explaining how everything was really good and fun early on. He really liked me. Everything I did or said was slightly adorable. Then it was not and we did not do anything fun. Brooke goes, "Oh that's like that day we went to Mt Rushmore at 9 AM and had to spend the rest of the day "just driving." I agreed. -Taylor Anne has been in Texas as of late. I encourage her to call my friend Will, while in Austin. She introduces herself as a friend of Sarah Morrison's on the phone. Will responds, "Is she dead?" -I am allergic to something. My face swells up and my eyes swell almost shut on Tuesday, then worse on Wednesday. The boy who lives here went away for a while and Melissa is out of town. I think I am just allergic to being alone. -Some irate dude calls like 80 times claiming to have lost his credit card at the club I work at. We do not have it, so it is a lost cause. Yet, he shows up and continues on and on. He is sure it is at the club. He would like to look through the credit card box himself because he does not believe either I or the boy I am working with can read. He keeps insisting he "see the box." We begin ignoring him until he finally departs, at which point I turn to the boy next to me and tell him "I will gladly show him my box." -If all goes according to plans, I will be in Portland next week. Brooke promises to buy me ice cream every day I am there. I do not promise to ever come home again. Best Week Ever: March 24th "Dana was right." -I have been back in Los Angeles for more than a month, yet have somehow not seen Tiana since my return. She informs me that "I know you are alive. I see you on Cobranake." -A guy I work with comes up to me, points to his nipples, then at me, and informs me "Sarah, you have something on your shirt." I tell him that someday I will get "into" wearing bras. -One of the guys I work with is excited I am from Boston. He instructs me to check "this" out. He then recites, "Your sistas got wicked pissa tits, brah." He tells me, he uses this line on everyone from Boston he meets. He then tells me it got weird when a friend of his (from Boston's) sister moved here. He couldn't say that to her, and could not think of anything else to say. -I am buying a 2.99 bottle of Bacardi at the liquor store by my old work, the other evening. The dude that works there asks me if I am "going to a party." I inform him I am not. He then responds, "Oh, it's for Sarah's boyfriend." I inform him that if I was to have a boyfriend, I would need to buy a much bigger bottle. -I am working some magazine party thing at work the other night. This involves me asking if you would like a free water or Amstel Light. I then hand said drink to you, while standing next to a giant ice sculpture. Some dude inquires whether I am cold. (Pointing at the ice sculpture.) I inform him "Not really, it's not like I am sitting on it." -Chase calls me and leaves me a voicemail detailing the following. "I am coming out of a 711 and there is a guy asking me for money to stop drug addiction. All I want to do is ask him for Xaxax. Maybe I will ask him for money to continue my drug addiction. Ok, goodbye." -My boss at work tells me she likes my "Best Week Ever" and goes on to say that there is a lot about drunk dudes at work. I tell her it used to be about customers at American Apparel. She tells me she is going to start reading the old ones. -Chase's birthday rolls around. I thank him for being my only platonic male friend. -I win my case at Traffic Court this week. (see December's Taco Bell Drive-Thru incident for more on this) While waiting for my case to be heard, I meet some 60-something year-old guy who is there to fight his traffic injustice as well. He loudly tells me the story of his wrongful right hand turn. He then continues to inform me that he thinks the cop may have been actually hallucinating, while stopping him for this violation. I instruct him not to inform the court of that piece. He then asks me if I could please give him a sign if anything he is saying is "going too far." I agree to do so by simply waving my hands in the air and yelling "No." He thinks this should suffice. -I inquire about the state of a girl I work with, who seems to sometimes not exactly know what's going on, um ever. I ask a coworker if they think she has ADD. They inform me, "You know how there are those mental giants? Well she is like the opposite of that. Let's call her a mental midget." Best Week Ever: March 17th "Trading Down." -Some drunk guy comes up to me at work the other night, puts his arm around me, and informs me he has been looking all night for a girl in a Peacoat. I inform him that he "has found one," rolling my eyes. He goes, "I thought you would be funnier." I announce, "Yeah I am not." -I am working coat check one evening. Some guy looses his ticket and comes over hoping to retrieve his coat with out this vital collateral. He attempts to describe "said dude leather jacket," basically informing me he owns every jacket behind me. I instruct him to put on the coat he is convinced belongs to him. I go, "We will see if it fits. It will be like OJ's glove." Sort of frightened, he agrees. -I receive a Myspace message that reads as follows "I just heard from my ex girlfriend today that a friend we had from high school recently got stuck in a chimney in Van Nuys. She said to Google it to see what I get. And it pulled up" -A preview for the News at 11 comes on TV. It says, "A Van Nuys woman gets stuck in a chimney. Stay tuned to find out how she got out." Melissa goes, "How about stay tuned to find out how she got in?" I informed him I was sorry the story had not been covered by a more reputable News source. -I arrive at work one evening this week to discover a private show with a bunch of bands playing. The promoter brings his own front desk girl to do tickets and take payments. I am sort of just sitting there kind of useless reading a book. Our resident audio girl comes over concerned. She asks, "How are you doing? (Pointing at the new me for the evening.) Sarah, I think wannabee coat check girl needs a candle." I nod and suggest I bring her one. -I spend a few weeks being into a boy I used to date that had convinced me he had changed. It did not take long for him to stop pretending he had. So the only reasonable solution to my latest disappointment from the male population is to change my Myspace orientation to "Lesbian," in hopes of a quick healing. I do get a few "HEY YOU SEXY LESBIAN" messages (all typed in caps) from some internet weirdos. But, I change it back to "Straight" when I receive a message from a girl who went to summer camp with me. She tells me she is now a lesbian and always had a crush on me. -Verdell, Dana, and I are heading back to our cars after brunch this morning. We stop to stare at a four-year-old child walking on all fours, on a leash. None of us know what to make of it, until Dana's inquires whether he has Spina Bifida. Literally seconds later, the child gets up and starts running, only to be sort of bounced back by his parents' leash. For some reason, i have a feeling kids with Spina Bifida were not being walked on leashes this morning on Sunset Blvd, by their parents. -The boy I live with is home to greet the cable guy, yet looses my cat somehow in the process. I in turn end up wandering around asking neighbors if they have seen a white cat wearing a fluorescent bikini. No one was of much help at all. -My car gets broken into this week. The car thieves take everything in my glove compartment, my Ipod, and a couple hundred CDs. I arrive at the police station not really caring about the Ipod or CDs, but concerned about the registration that was formerly in my glove compartment. The cop inquires why I am so concerned about my registration, and whether I get pulled over a lot. I inform him that I do not. I do tell him that all my information for my court date Monday was also stolen out of the glove box, and want to know if he thinks this will be a problem. -Dana suggests I airbrush a picture of myself on the hood of my car so car thieves realize how pretty I am when breaking into my car and feel bad. I recommend the portrait be extra sparkly and underneath read "Thx 4 the Add." -Melissa suggests I should do Salvia, some sort of legal Weed type stuff sold at head Shops. She then informs me I will laugh like Fran Dresher and think my hands are crab claws for like five minutes and then be back to normal. -I am discussing my plan for fixing the domestic situation I have maniacally created for myself with my dear friend Brooke this afternoon. I reiterate, "You know how we only surround ourselves with people that are like the "Best." "Yeah," she agrees. They are sort of the smartest and funniest, and can not get over how brilliant and amazing we are. "Well just imagine someone who didn't, and just thought we were mediocre." Best Week Ever: March 10th "Where's Tiana?" -Erik and I encounter Caroline and Pat drunk at the house Sunday evening around 1 AM. Caroline turns around, looks at me, and goes "Where's Tiana?" I inform her that Tiana was busy. -The girl who does the sound at our club is carrying around the audio controller in case of a major music malfunction. She complains that she is having trouble with the reverb from the club downstairs. She announces, "I can feel the vibrations." I respond, "Oh like Marky Mark?" She nods and goes, "Yes Sarah, like Marky Mark. -Christian orders Girl Scout cookies. He informs me that the cookies formerly known as Samoas, now known as Caramel Delights are his favorite. He tells me that since I am his favorite girl he will call me "his Caramel Delight." I commend this. I also tell him I am glad his favorite cookie is not a "Thin Mint." -Melissa announces that the season premiere of America's Next Top Model is on at 8. She then asked if "8" is tonight. -Tiana tells me that her boyfriend has been taking rock sculpture classes. Therefore, his floor is covered with giant pieces of Marble. Tiana is having trouble getting up in the night and not injuring herself on the way to the bathroom. I suggest she sleep in hiking boots. She agrees. -A drunk boy I know is talking to me at a club, one evening this week. He observes Cobrasnake taking pictures of the club goers. He turns to me and suggests, "Cobrasnake should be like Santa. You should get in line, sit on his lap, and then get your picture taken." -I run into Zack out one night this week. He informs me his clothing line is going to be big. He tells me the website is up and his shirts will be in stores in the next few months. I instruct him to remember me when he gets famous. I remind him that I helped pick out the rims for his bike. He puts his arm around me, and informs me that soon enough I will be picking out rims for his car. -When leaving, Erik asks what I am doing tomorrow. I inform him I am modeling. He tries to correct me, "You are supposed to model Friday." I tell him, "Well now its Thursday." He looks at me confused seemingly unable to understand any of it. I inquire, "Um is Thursday some sort of model holiday I don't know about?" -Joe Swanberg sends me his movie LOL to check out. It's a great movie that will be showing at SXSW March 13, 15, and 18. I am instantly confused as I read the name "Chase Lisbon" in the opening credits. Melissa inquires what Chase has to do with the movie. I have no idea. Until the opening scene, where Melissa notices, "That's Chase's sister's living room." We are still baffled by why the opening credits read "Chase Lisbon" and not "Chase Lisbon's Sister's Living Room." -I found an apartment finally. I am paying a ridiculously low amount of rent due to my willingness to live in a sort of unfavorable situation with a boy in Echo Park. When my coworkers express their concern in relation to my new domestic situation, I inform them "Well, whatever. I am paying like 300 dollars a month. I can spend all my money on clothes. I am going to be dressed so well. You will see." -Erik tells Melissa he ordered Thai food. Melissa announces that she recently had Thai food that "was not bad." She then, thinking for a moment, announces she "doesn't know what good is." Best Week Ever: March 3 "America keeps me warm." -Erik and I arrive home to encounter Pat and a girl we know in the living room. They have been drinking whiskey and are both ridiculously drunk. The girl is trying to discuss a job she may have for Erik at the company she works for. Erik informs her he will "call her tomorrow." Pat with his eyes half closed corrects Erik, "Her name is not Tomorrow." -Some dude is hitting on me, out at a club one night this week. Pat comes over and announces, "Sarah lives in my garage." The boy I am talking to responds, "Oh my brother used to live in my garage." I recommend he set us up. -I am sitting in the front yard with my laptop, a face mask, and a towel in my hair. One of the neighbors is walking by and stops to say hi. I instruct him to disregard my appearance. He inquires what exactly I am doing and why I am doing it in the front yard. I pick up my belongings and go, "I should probably be indoors." -At work one evening this week, a band comes in the club to set up for their show. I am standing at the counter with one of the club's employees. He states, "Dudes in bands always look bummed out. It must be hard to pretend you are always sad." I add, "Probably not. It their minds it is always raining." -At 2:30 AM Friday evening, drunk club goers are exiting. One of them stumbles over to me and says, "Excuse me. Some one left their pants on the dance floor." I inform him I will "take care of it." -Erik and I are going to meet his aunt for lunch one day this week. He had not seen her since he was in elementary school. He describes her as "really tall, probably 6'0." When we arrive to meet her she appears to be approximately 5'4." He informs us that maybe he was just "shorter." -I am discussing a really cute pair of six inch platform shoes I had worn at the store I work at. I am informing everyone that I was scaring customers due to my ridiculous height and had to take them off. Melissa adds, "When you look at people that tall people assume you like play basketball or something." I inform her people have asked me, on several occasions, if I do in fact play basketball. She goes, "Yeah and people ask me if I am a jockey." -At work one night this week, a drunk dude comes over to me while I am coat checking. "Is this what you do?" (Pointing at the coat check area stand behind me) I respond, "Yes, I majored in Coat Checking in college." -I arrive at work the other night to discover that we are hosting the premiere of Laura Croft: Tomb Raider: 3. There is no Angelina Jolie, as I am sure most of you have imagined. And, nothing more than a camcorder is used in its filming. The whole thing appears to be shot in Chinatown. The star of the film is posing for "press" opps nearby my post, convinced Angelina was not even considered for the coveted role. One of the "photographers" comes over to me and informs me, "You have the look of this movie. I could give you a fake gun and you could be Laura Croft." Sort of speechless, I ask him to think of me for Tomb Raider: 4." -At work one night, I am approached by a boy with a camera. He goes, "Sarah right?" We talk on the internet." I start to acknowledge who he is, but by this time he is walking away. I yell his name. He turns around, waves, and informs me "He does not like small talk." -One cold rainy night, a boy shows up to a social gathering at my place of employment in a matching sequined American Flag print mini vest and bootie short ensemble. I inquire as to how his outfit has been treating him in the lovely weather we are having. He points at me, think for a second, and responds, "America keeps me warm." Best Week Ever: Feb 24th "If You Hate Boys, Don't Date Boys." Dana DeArmond" -We are watching one of those E shows, where they follow celebrities around to see what coffee they drink and what type of cereal they prefer. I inform Melissa that I would never want to be a celebrity. You would have to look good all the time, in case someone takes your picture. Melissa informs me she has trouble just leaving the house looking like "she is not homeless." -I tell Peggy I will go to a show with her one evening. I did not hear from her, and end up somewhere else by the time she calls. She asks where I am and I inform her "I have accidentally ended up with a bunch of boys." She is sort of confused until a boy on the couch yells, clarifying, "a bunch of men." -Obviously, I end up at an Orange County Denny's one evening this week. We all place our orders. Erik orders his late night breakfast meal last. Once the waiter leaves the table, Zack informs Erik he "sounded gay," when ordering. Erik inquires what exactly he had said. I remind him that he had told the waiter he wanted pancakes. Then he told the waiter he was gay. -After making a Myspace reference during our meal at Denny's, I am instructed that I am not supposed to refer to this website in public. I inform the group that we are at Denny's, not in public. -At a party one evening, Melissa decides to watch television in the middle of the living room. The movie The Terminal is on. She spends ridiculous amounts of time trying to make closed captioning work on the television. She gives up at some point, and settles on just watching it with out sound. Five minutes or so in, she decides to ask someone what is going on in the movie. A boy nearby explains the entire premise to her. She responds, "Ohhhh, I just thought he was retarded." -I am standing in line at the post office. I am doing the Mama Stone Vintage shipping for the week, so I have a large postal bag full of packages to be mailed. An evil elderly lady walks in and sizes up the line, deciding who she should cut. She chooses to go directly in front of me due to the amount of shit I have to mail, and I can not say anything due to the fact she is old. -Christian is stuck in traffic on the way back from Vegas this week. He has been sitting completely stopped for three hours when I talk to him. After eating an old bag of chips in the glove compartment and making a few phone calls, he runs out of things to do. He rolls down the windows, puts on Everybody Hurts, and gets out of the car. No one got it. -I inform the passenger in my car that I don't like my outfit, being the white dress I am wearing. He inquires why. I tell him that I always get white dresses dirty. By lunchtime, I always have coffee and other mysterious stains all over me. I then announce that I think it is because "it" knows I am not a virgin. -Scott Koerner asks me if I can make sure that I refer to him as "hott" as opposed to sort of good looking. He thinks this will help him out tremendously due to my internet celebrity status. I have told two people so far. -I am working at a friend's vintage store this week. David is a little high and decides to ask me music trivia questions. The first one he comes up with is "Name the members of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young?" It is also the last question. -After music trivia gets old, David decides to try on boots. He is sitting on a stool in front of the counter. He falls off the stool and onto the ground. When I ask him what exactly happened, he tells me that he "totally forgot he was sitting." -Melissa is browsing the discount section at a gas station yesterday, when she stumbles upon discount condoms. They are the "for her pleasure" variety. Finally, dudes who were never really into pleasing "her" anyways, have been given the financial incentive to at least sort of think they may be doing so. Best Week Ever: Feb 17th "I can never sleep on planes. I think I am afraid someone will need me." -Once in Portland, I become aware of the fact that the cable guy is not coming for a few days, so there is no internet. I end up at some coffee shop internet cafe like three times in order to write and email my Supercult column. Once home, Chase informs me he did not get the email. He suggests I send it again. I inform him, I will not because I have to "walk to the internet." -On one of my 23 trips between the place with the internet and Brooke and Ashley's, I am stopped by two elderly gentlemen on the street. One of them informs me he needs to ask me a question. He goes, "Has anyone told you today that you are beautiful?" I pause and respond, "Actually not today." -Ashley is on the phone with one of her friends. Ashley is informing her friend she can not go out that night because she has to work. She explains, "I am training the new girl, Neutrogena, at work tonight,." After little thought, she realizes the girl's name is actually Brita. Ashley goes, "I knew she was some sort of household product." -I go out to breakfast with an exboyfriend. We end up discussing teenage pregnancy like most exes, over French toast. Mike suggests that teenage boys be given vasectomies. Then once they reach a reasonable age to actually have children, the process will be reversed. I suggest vasectomies be performed at freshman orientation, right after they are given their class schedules. -Ashley has a set of pet hermit crabs. She informs us that the reason we do not see them move is because they are nocturnal. Then she adds "Actually they don't move at night either." -Jason, Brooke, and Ashley are going skateboarding, while I have opted to stay at the house. Ashley goes around and locks both the front and back doors. I inform the group that it seems like a good idea because "they would not want anyone to steal me while they were gone." -Brooke and Ashley are still out when their cable guy arrives. The dude insists on a check before he can do anything. I am kneeling on the porch writing a check out of Brooke's checkbook in a tank top, when I look down and realize you can see one of my boobs. Then I look up and realize the cable guy can see one of my boobs. We make eye contact. He asks me if I "want to use his clipboard." I decline. -We ask the cable guy if he has seen Trapped in the Closet. He inquires if it is a molestation video. Everyone looks at him sort of confused until I answer "sort of." -I am doing computerish things on Jason's computer, while he is sitting near by. He becomes alarmed and can not get over how loud I type. I inform him, "I know. I type really hard." -I am packing up my belongings the morning of my flight back to Los Angeles. I am complaining about how much I hate planes. Someone helpful suggests that I simply sleep on the plane. I inform everyone, "I can never sleep on planes. I think I am afraid someone will need me." -Melissa and her new cat are still getting to know each other. Melissa explains to me that the cat really enjoys watching running water. She then adds, "If you had never seen water go down a drain, you would be excited too." -My internet friend "Ralph" tries to discuss last weeks 24 with me. I have to stop him because I missed the show. I tell "Ralph" that a friend of mine typed up a recap of the show, which I am going to read moments before this week's episode. "Ralph" informs me that that is what Tivo is for. I inform "Ralph," Tivo is out and typing up recaps of television shows is "in." -At the Rosebowl flea market Sunday morning, we are positioned next to two overweight middle aged men selling a variety of antique musical instruments and assorted other "crap." One of them comes over with a piece of paper that reads "Nagc." He shows it to me and inquires how he might spell "Negotiable." I spell the word for him. He thanks me, sort of starts to walk away, and turns around. He announces, "You are not just a beautiful girl. You are a scholar." -Mid day, it becomes warm at the flea market. I change from my jeans into a dress. The pile consisting of my former outfit is sitting next to the car. Some creepy dude picks the thong up that I had just removed, holds it in the air, and inquires, "How much is this?" I rip it out of his hand, smile, and inform him it is not for sale. -Tiana has an array of pictures of herself wearing a fancy vintage dress, red lipstick, and a wig on her Myspace profile. I inform her, "You seriously look like a Barbie. Not like "Malibu Barbie," but those fancy ones that come in the bigger box and cost more." -Melissa and I are approached by a presumably homeless gentleman. He is collecting bottles and cans to return for money. I hand him a bottle, at which point he informs me he has a "man thing" in his pocket. He asks me if i would like to see "it." Melissa then opts out of the conversation. I do not. He pulls out his "man thing," which is a red thong wrapped in a plastic shopping bag. He holds it up for me to see. I explain to him that I do not think he will get much for it at the liquor store. He shrugs, "Eh, I don't know about that. She was pretty cute." -Taylor Anne ends up in bed most of the day following Valentines Day, due to the drinking that resulted from her holiday stress level. I inform her that none of this is actually her fault. I reassure her, "Hallmark is to blame." Best Week Ever: Feb 10th "The nuns beat us." -Brooke and I are listening to Xtinas first hit Genie in a Bottle, in the car the other day. So Xtina informs us that her body is saying lets go and her heart is saying no. She goes on to discuss being rubbed and whatnot, but that it doesnt mean she gonna give it away. After a brief discussion, we are in agreement the song is totally about finger banging. -A sonic in Missouri has a sign on its door that reads No cash left overnight. It then informs thieves of the local bank it uses, basically encouraging them to rob it instead. -Brooke purchases a 75 cent condom with a mail in rebate on the back of the wrapper, for a dollar. She is thrilled at this money making proposition until she realizes she needed to buy two to get her dollar rebate. Plus, she still had to pay for the stamp. -Brooke has become my secretary when I am driving. I dictate text messages for her to type to people. I actually just give her the general idea of what to write to said person. I then just instruct her to type holler at the end to distract people from the messages themselves. -We stay at the Westin in Kansas City because Brookes friend Patrick is there on business. Brooke is thrilled with how nice the beds and fancy down comforters are. I announce how much I hate down comforters because they are too warm. I then add, I am glad I am not a duck. This is probably why they are always swimming. -Ben sends Brooke (see last week for the back-story) a Myspace message that simply reads I like your jeans and hair. -There is a billboard along the freeway in Iowa endorsing Catholic Education. It is a bunch of creepy smiling elementary schoolers holding rulers. It reads A Catholic Education is immeasurable. It should have read The nuns beat us. -Brooke wont let me smoke in the car. She did agree to let me do my nails if I rolled the window down. -We stop at what appears to be a kitschy ghost town type place in South Dakota called Buffalo Ridge. Its owner informs us that they are closed for the season. He offers to open up the museum area of the store for us to see. This involves him moving a few wedged pieces of cardboard out of a doorway leading into a giant heatless room. The rooms perimeter is full of enclosed glass cases of talking mannequins. The mannequins tell us stories of the old west (once you insert a quarter.) The last exhibit is deemed the most educational by the places owner. It details the transition from interchangeable shoes to the invention of the left and right shoe. He informs us This one is good. It is really educational. It is almost like home schooling. -We end up at a pseudo Mexican restaurant in Wall, South Dakota. Brooke asks the waitress for steak sauce for her less than Mexican meal. She returns and informs us The cook also wanted me to bring you his number, but you guys do not want it. She puts the bottle on the table and walks away. -We venture over to the bar next to the restaurant. The bar crowd is a little tipsy, being that it is now 30 minutes after the end of the Superbowl. The crowd has probably been drinking since mid afternoon. Jimmy, the bartender and establishment owner, insists we guest bartend because we are so hott. We initially refuse but then seem to have no choice. Brooke and I get behind the bar. Brooke pours jimmy a Super Beer, being a corona with a shot of Bacardi Limon. Jimmy finds this hott. -The gentlemen of the bar agree that Brooke and I are better than the Superbowl. -Our drunken bartender friend Jimmy informs me he is really upset. I inquire why. He says it is because I wont go home with him. I reassure Jimmy If I had never come in tonight, you still would have gone home without me. This seems to east his pain. -We arrive at Mt. Rushmore. I start to sort of run as we approach the walkway leading up to this amazing National Monument. When it is in eyesight I yell, Yes! Brooke is still sort of walking and goes, You just yelled yes. -Unclear as to what exactly the protocol at Mt. Rushmore is, we opt to sing the National Anthem. We get to something about ramparts, forget the words, and sort of give up. -Somewhere around Washington state, we see a sign for some freeway north with an arrow that just reads Canada. At this point, Brooke and I decide that all signs should direct us to places no where near where we actually are. We decide that all signs north SHOULD point to Canada, while all south should read Mexico. When going east we should be directed towards Europe and when heading west all signs should simply point to Japan. Best Week Ever: Feb 3rd. "I blame my travel agent." -My internet friend Anthony stumbles upon some girl’s Myspace profile with one of those “What (Pokemon, Major Department Store, Barbie, Celebrity Chef, Character from Friends, Brand of Car, Dead President, Woody Allen Movie, Color Crayon) Are You?” things in the middle of her page between an array of internet surveys. This one is, “What Classic Movie Are you?” Underneath it reads, “You are Schindler’s List!” -My friends Brooke and Ben run into each other at a Snowboarding tradeshow in Vegas, a few weeks back. Ben and Brooke make “small talk.” What Ben classifies as “small talk” ends up being a borderline offensive line of questioning. The conversation does not end well. Leah and I are enjoying Ben’s company one night in Orange County this past week. Ben announces, “Leah, I like your jeans and hair.” Leah sort of confused by the compliment, thanks Ben. I also commend him. I suggest he could have told Brooke he liked her jeans and hair, as well. -Ben hands me the new Vanity Fair with Lindsay Lohan on the cover and the new Snowboarder (in which he has written several articles.) He tells me I can take home Snowboarder, but I must leave the Vanity Fair. -Leah and I are carrying my bed down the stairs of my apartment building, as our moving my belongings into storage adventure reaches its close. Some neighbor dude goes, “Hey can I ask you a question?” Without looking up or stopping I respond, “Are you serious?” He then, maybe realizing we have a bed in our hands says, “Maybe I should wait?” I think we both go, “Maybe.” -Melissa is sitting in front of a computer. Leah and I ask her to check the weather in Boston for us, since we are departing the following day. Melissa reads each day’s shitty forecast out loud, laughing. She then announces, “I think I get joy out of people’s not joy.” -I am going through a security checkpoint at LAX on Sunday. After some sort of 24esque bomb scare, flight canceling, and finally reinstating, hundreds of us are being rushed through a security checkpoint at hyper-speed. Some dude is yelling at me to put my laptop in a separate bin, while some lady is informing me I need to take my boots off “faster.” Once my boots are off, I and the hundreds of people I am “holding up” realize my socks don’t match. I walk through and start to put my boots back on. I turn to the group of security ladies behind me and go, “My socks don’t match huh?” One of them laughing says, “No they don’t. I was just telling everyone that that would probably be me.” I tell her thanks. -I run into Bee at Boston’s Newbury Street American Apparel this week. He asks me what celebrities had come into the LA stores. I give him a pretty good list. I am even able to recall what Janeane Garofalo purchased. I get to Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray/Entertainment Tonight fame and his thermal, when Bee cuts in, "Mark MCGuire came into our store." “Oh, he does baseball, right?” I ask. I am informed “he does.” -While waiting for my mother outside a greeting card store in the mall, my brother announces, “I understand a skateboard shop because there are people into skateboarding. A gift card store is something I don’t get. Are there that many people into holidays?” -I am sitting on the floor with my laptop on my lap facing away from me, while watching television. My mother starts to walk by the doorway and stops. She decides to inquire about what exactly I am doing. I inform her that I have cramps and the computer is making them feel better. She rolls her eyes and walks away. She appears moments later with a heating pad that is supposed to do the same thing. -I get a Class of 1999 High School Reunion invitation in the mail. It is mailed to my parents’ house from a local high school, which I never attended. I inform my parents that I liked high school so much I was secretly going to two. -My mother asks me why I am watching the State of the Union Address the other night. I inform her that i am watching it because “It is funny.” -My vacation to Mt. Rushmore is cancelled due to potential inclimate weather. We are instead headed to Baltimore tomorrow. I blame my travel agent. Best Week Ever: Jan 27th "59 shitty songs that all sound the same and 10 you want to listen to." -I go with Melissa to get my eyebrows waxed for the first time ever. In the car on the way there, I ask her how exactly they do it. She announces, “With a stencil. Last time I went, Victoria went with me and got her legs and bikini line done.” “With a stencil?” I inquire. Melissa thought so. -When my Ipod is set on “Shuffle,” it has the tendency to just play the Magnetic Fields every other song or so. Melissa announces that instead of being called “69 Love Songs,” it should instead be called 59 shitty songs that all sound the same and ten ones you want to listen to.” -Chase asks if I can email him my address and full name so he can mail me some money he owes me. I reply, “You do not know my full name?” He informs me he does but would not want to “spell it incorrectly.” -Pat Martin informs me that when he is here we will watch 24, smoke cigarettes, and listen to records. I remind him that I am from Boston and know what “listening to records” really means. -This week I have been organizing and packing up my belongings to go into storage. It is always fun to find an array of untouched “ambitious” purchases like Vitamins, dental floss, and self help books, while packing up your belongings. -Lucky magazine “threatens” to damage my “good credit rating” unless I send them 12 dollars for a subscription it seems I never paid for. I give them the 12 dollars, but would have enjoyed the ultimatum more had they simply threatened to “end me in this town.” -The first song on Henry Rollins’ Indie 103 radio show a few evenings ago was a Los Angeles teacher rapping about staying in school. Its effectiveness rating would probably be along the same lines as Peaches’ “Fuck the Pain” away. -My mother calls me around nine her time informing me that she in trapped in her bedroom in need of help. It involves something about shutting a door with no door knob. Initially I am not sure what to do, until I learn my father is downstairs watching a movie. So this simply involves her hanging up, me calling him, and him letting her out. It was very “24.” -Can’t get enough of me? Always wanted a version of Best Week Ever with a little less me and a little bit more "world?" HERE IT IS! Act Like You Know is a weekly internet column filling people in on breaking news, supercult gossip, and everything in between. Enjoy and check back every week! Oh and while you are there look at the naked girls Thanks Supercult! Sorry Morrissey. -I am flying to Boston to drive to Oregon, as I am sure most would have guessed. Brooke is moving to Portland again and I can not resist driving through the coldest and crappiest states in our country in February. See you at Wall Drug. Best Week Ever: Jan 20th "I hear Mt Rushmore is lovely in February" -We go see Woody Allen’s Matchpoint on Saturday. When asked how the movie was I announce, “Stressful.” -Melissa adopts a new cat this week. We are trying to get ready to go out to dinner the other night. Melissa goes over to the cat, picks it up, and says, “We will be gone an hour. Do you know how much time that is? You don’t, do you? An hour, is like two TV shows. “She puts the cat down and announces she is ready to go. -I go to a job interview at a retail establishment the other day. I am asked a series of run of the mill interview questions. The guy interviewing me says, “For the last thing, I want you to tell me something you want us to know about you, something that explains who you are and why we should hire you.” I announce, “I have a pick-up truck.” He looks at me waiting for more. So I go, “Oh and I have a cat.” -Martin Luther King Day comes and goes this week. Upon celebration of the late great Martin Luther King Jr., I am reminded of a traumatic story of my youth. My mom decides when I am in middle school that "we" should go to church. So my brother and I are thrown into this Sunday school class full of kids who had been going to church all of their lives. Like Jesus was seriously their homeboy. So Sam and I are forced to read bible passages in front of this entire hall of church kids. I am reading some bible verse quoting Martin Luther. When it comes time to say “Martin Luther,” I instead say “Martin Luther King.” All the church kids start laughing and pointing. I have no idea why. So some churchish girl next to me whispers "Its Martin Luther, not Martin Luther King," rolling her eyes. I was still confused. Well, Martin Luther King was better anyways. -I am walking into a 711 the other day. A homeless dude rushes to open the door for me. He points at my truck and says, “Massachusetts huh? I am from Wisconsin.” I look at him confused and inform him the two states are no where near each other. He does not believe me but settles on, “Fine they are not near each other, but we could be.” I wave and go in the store. -Melissa and I are traveling around Echo Park in her car taking pictures for Mama Stone Vintage. A woman comes out of her house and asks what the pictures are being used for. Melissa explains it is for EBay. The woman asks her if she is a photographer. Melissa settles on “sort of.” I announce, “We did NOT go to high school together.” Melissa adds, “We met at FASHION WEEK.” The woman laughs and goes back in the house. -During our pseudo modeling shoot, I ask Melissa if I am doing good. She corrects, “You are doing well.” I ask her if I am doing wicked well. She nods, “You are doing wicked well.” -The new season of 24 starts this week. I decide Jack Bauer should be on every television show making every show “good.” I think he would make a great character on say…According to Jim. -A preview for the News at 11 comes on TV. It says, “A Van Nuys woman gets stuck in a chimney. Stay tuned to find out how she got out.” Melissa goes, “How about stay tuned to find out how she got in?” -I go into my former place of employment on Melrose this week. I tell Tiana I just called her. She goes, “Oh what did you say?” I tell her I said I was coming to Melrose and wanted to know if she was there. She nods, raises her hand, and announces she “is there.” -I am waiting for my truck to get out of Valet at the Standard the other night. A group of intoxicated dudes are waiting for their vehicles as well. One of them says, “I like your tights.” I tell him that they are leggings. He goes, “I wish I was Lycra.” I look at him and repeat, “You wish you were Lycra?” He shakes his heads and says, “Yeah I don’t know.” -Bettie is visiting. She announces last night that she loves not working. Melissa corrects her, telling her she loves vacation and would hate not working. Bettie agrees. Melissa announces, “I could never NOT work.” Bettie is agreeing with her, when I opt to interrupt and announce, “I am sitting right here and can hear you people.” -I am listening to Dave Navarro and Billy Morrison’s Indie 103 show one evening this week, while doing errands. People are calling in and are instructed to ask the two hosts music trivia questions. A caller is put on the air. He requests some sort of crappy new rock bands latest single. Dave Navarro tries to explain that they aren’t playing music. The caller inquires if he actually called a radio station. Dave suggests the caller go download the song for free on the internet and hangs up. -Melissa is discussing how kind it was of me to buy her Ashanti’s new perfume. Bettie inquires as to what happened to Ashanti. I inform them both that Ashanti has a new album and that I had seen it at Amoeba, the previous day. I then announce, “I felt like everyone was staring at me at Amoeba. That place is weird." Melissa announces, “Huh, maybe it was because you were looking at the new Ashanti album” -Bettie is explaining her concern about the Bird Flu at dinner the other night. Her concern for this pandemic has apparently developed after she read some article in Popular Science. Melissa inquires whether the bird Flu is coming to “America or California.” -Jamey calls me this week and informs me that leaving voicemail messages detailing the fact he never returns my phone calls and will probably not return this one either, does not make him want to call me back. I interrupt and inquire a little bit about this by going, “But you called me?” He explains, “I call you back because I am mad and decide I am going to show her!” I announce that I think I won. He agrees. -I call my mom and tell her I am putting my belongings in storage and have purchased a one way ticket to Boston. Concerned I am moving in with her, she asks how exactly I am planning to leave Boston. I inform her that I am driving to Portland because I want to see Mt Rushmore. She says she hears it is lovely in February and asks what time she needs to pick me up at the airport. Best Week Ever: Jan 12th "Tripod got her stump amputated and was adopted by a handicapped lady." -I receive I Myspace message from a 14 year-old boy entitled “Saw you on the DeGrassi Fan Page!” The message read “DeGrassi Rules!” I respond, “It does!” I am still waiting for his reply. -Kitty Meow, Melissa’s cat has been presumed “no longer with us." He will be missed and loved from Mission Hill to Echo Park. Kitty will be remembered for his fashionable neckties, his sense of adventure, his hearty appetite, and his fondness for naps on Melissa’s bed. To a lot of us, he is the only 17 pound cat we had ever met. For many of us, he may be the only one we ever will meet. We will miss you Kitty. -Someone “makes” a copy of my ATM card, figures out my password, and takes out ridiculous amounts of cash at Vegas Casinos. I am thinking it is the girl who convinced herself she was me, from last week. I hope she doubled my money and is going to deposit her winnings. -I heart www.supercult.com. I do. It is a lovely porn site run by my friend Chase. Its latest brilliant PR move involves coercing every one associated with the site, fans, and god knows who else to turn there Myspace photos into the same Viking logo. I commend this. It is brilliant. For the OUTSIDER, It’s some sort of giant awesomeness they want to get in on. For ME, my brain just hurts. My last message to "America's Patrick Martin" is entitled "You people are difficult to differentiate." Did it get to him? I don’t know. Is an actual Viking reading it right now from his castle in the woods? Maybe. I still commend this. I am “raiding inside.” -Melissa receives an EBay email from a potential customer, regarding a skirt she has up for auction. It is from a 23 year old cross dressing male. He is just checking to make sure she does not have a problem with him bidding on her skirt (which he finds adorable) or his lifestyle. She informs him she thinks he will look “adorable” in it. -I begin looking into some Pet adoption options for Melissa via the internet. I somehow happen upon www.purrful.com, a well intentioned website offering to place street cats in homes. Its website's creator has an affinity for cats, and I am going to guess “the bottle.” I was particularly interested in the story of one cat that reads as follows, “She had a sister who only had 3 legs and a stump. We called her Tripod. Tripod got her stump amputated and was adopted by a handicapped lady. That was last year's Xmas story. (She) didn't find a parent and remained untamed so now she rules the yard.” And in just 5-7 business days she will arrive on Melissa’s doorstep and rule her yard, as well. -I work for a friend of mine this week, manning his Silverlake Vintage shop. A customer is sort of wandering around looking at things from a distance. He approaches an ugly crocheted wall hanging and begins sort of looking at it. He turns to me and goes, “How much is this?” I inform him, it’s not for sale and that it is actually just décor. He looks at me and explains, “Oh, I thought it was some sort of fancy top. It looks a lot like your sweater.” I look at my shirt and then back up at the crocheted thing on the wall and respond, “Nope it’s a wall hanging.” I go back to text messaging and he departs. -I am smoking a cigarette outside of my latest retail establishment this week. I am approached by a man in a suit jacket, with no shirt. He explains, “I am shirtless today to show the man. What man you ask? Well, the one who makes shirts." He points at me and continues down the sidewalk. (I nod.) -I receive a 35 dollar parking ticket today for offense “Other” which involves parking the opposite way of the rest of the cars on the street. -To lift Melissa’s spirits we go to the Pasadena SPCA to find her a new cat or “friend.” She fills out some paperwork. We wait for a while. She is called into a room where she meets with an adoption counselor. The adoption counselor does not see Melissa as “good candidate” to adopt the cat she was looking at. Once in the car, Melissa reiterates that she does have a dog, a cat that may have been hit by a car, and a slight Weed habit. She adds, “I am like Kate Moss. I may do a line or two, but I am a fine mother!” I suggest we try one of the city shelters in the morning. Best Week Ever: Jan 5th "“May there be many more Best Week Evers in your life. I love you.”-The 17 year old."
-It is pouring rain on New Years Eve in the city of Los Angeles, making it a fantastically drawn out day for a bunch of girls working retail on the eve of another major holiday. Daryl starts screaming that the ticket guy is putting a ticket on my truck. Clarification, he is putting a ticket on my truck in a Ziploc bag. I run out and put money in the meter. He does not care. I then start yelling something along the lines of “You have no heart. It is Christmas Eve. Daryl tries to quietly remind me it is not Christmas CChrCristmas Eve. I announce, “I do not care. It is something Eve, and he is giving me a ticket.” She nods and calls him an asshole.
-I am ringing up a customer at work New Years Eve day. He asks me if he can get a five dollar bill for the five ones he is holding. I begin to obilge, when he stops me. He goes, “I should keep the ones to tip bartenders tonight." I nod and say, “Bartenders? You mean strippers?” He awkwardly tries to explain to me he has only been to a strip club once, and by accident. I smile and hand him his shopping bag.
-Naima purchases me one of the newest and least sold items in our store, as my farewell gift. It is none other than a long sleeved two toned bodysuit, the two tones being grey and red. One of our backstock boys laughs to Naima, “Oh my god, someone bought one of those weird bodysuit things. Tell them there are plenty more!” Naima explains to him that she actu |
