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Snowboard Drug Fronts: Uncovered

With so many snowboard brands, last year’s complete lack of snow, and this economy, sometimes you have to wonder — how are they all still in business? We sent undercover spies deep into snowboarding’s seedy underbelly to discover the truth (read: made this all up). As we suspected, many snowboarding brands are not so innocent as they seem. In fact, many are simply money laundering operations to cover up you guessed it: drugs!

Smokin’ Snowboards ironically is a front for Adderal, which they pedal to all the college kids that visit Lake Tahoe. Because those stimulants are a federal offense, they decided to mask their shady affairs with the classic “look bra, we’re stoners,” which the government could care less about these days.

Bataleon is the the actual weed ring, growing copious amounts of the chronic and hiding it in the little gap each stacked board leaves because of their obnoxious u-shaped nature.


Levitation Project, having produced and given away more product (without selling any in return) than any other company in the history of commerce could only afford to do so because of the massive coke distribution it ran out of the back of their massive LP truck. This ring was eventually shut down though, when Bode Merrill decided to invest 2.4 million dollars into the company so he could have as many pro model socks, long johns and face masks as he wanted, in any style he wanted, in any color he wanted, whenever he wanted.

Snowboard Mag makes Krokidil, but is struggling to keep their front afloat because who the hell wants to a drug that makes your skin fall off your bones? In fact, the only reason they’re still kicking is that partner mag Freeskier’s Kratom operation is flourishing.

Poler‘s camp vibes actually come from their illicit Moonshine operation. Why do you think they spend so much time in the woods?

Located in the port city of Seattle, Capita in the leading middleman in all bath salt related trading causing people to “devour everything” as they slip into zombie paralysis.

Holden, and their trademark “H” stand for one thing: heroin. This cold hard fact should be obvious when considering the zoned out, laid back, sleepy appearance the brand is so well known for. Also, you may have wondered why their gear is so expensive, and the answer is simple, heroin isn’t cheap, and neither is their front.

The Helgasson’s shoelace company 7-9-13 may be the most high-tech front of any snow industry disguises. Hailing from Iceland, and well-versed in the world of all night raves and excess culture each lace is saturated in pure MDMA. Once imported from their secret drug making chemical lab in the heart of Denmark’s biggest disco, they dump the load into a vat, extract the medicinal goodness and sell the stupid strings to idiot kids far and wide.

Every word in this post-even those based on real people-are entirely fictional. The quotes might be bullshit too.
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Comments (51)

  1. yobeat’s writers have way to much time on their hands..

     
  2. YOBEAT IS SERIOUSLY SO FUCKING FUNNY!!!11

     
  3. You guys should let Microsoft know you can freelance for various clip art imagery they need in there upcoming version of Microsoft Office. Really good job!

    Might I suggest the use of Comic Sans or Papyrus as a typeface next time, it would work nicely with your aesthetic.

     
  4. ^ SHUT UP MEG

     
  5. what i dont get is why smokin snowboards pedals adderall, you would think that they could afford cars and not have to ride bikes in the snow

     
  6. @sluicebox… if that isn’t sarcasm then you might want to replace the juicy j on your ipod with rosetta stone english.

     
  7. wait nick lipton didnt write this?

     
  8. THAT “FRESH TRAX MID-ARM VENT” ACTUALLY MAKES SENCE NOW

     
  9. The Gremlinz are selling mole spit

     
  10. caked dave finally sold all the Dmt

     
  11. burton is squirtin lsd drops into mouths

     
  12. Grenade should have been on this list.

     
  13. I actually think these super shitty articles are the funniest haha

     
  14. kratom king

     
  15. Saga is selling booze to children

     
  16. yo fukk bettaleion niqqa tekk9 git da dankkkest herb

     
  17. print will never die. get it right

     
  18. I WATCHED THE KROKIDIL EDIT, HOLY SHIT THAT STUFFS GNARLY!

     
  19. #smokebathsaltsandhailsanta #morepresents

     
  20. some of you fuckers are lucky i thumbed your shit up by accident im high as fuck

    and dis shit cray yobeat

     
  21. i don’t know what any of this is but hipsters are core as drake

     
  22. By far the dumbest shit you have put on the site.

     
  23. this is really dumb. and lame. and not funny

     
  24. crinnnak i got crinnnak where dat crinnak

     
  25. was worth it for the krokodil link

     
  26. Yobeat should have there own magazine!

     
  27. Terrible article!!!!! Makes the brands look bad!! sketch. ass hole move by yo beat. Also not funny or interesting. Didn’t talk about thizz or acid either…wow

     
  28. just kidding i don’t know you man lets smoke pot sometime
    -Chris

     
  29. you sound SO SICK CHRIS. JERM CAN BLOW ME FOR ALL I CARE THOUGH FUCK THAT DUDE PLAY ME IN MW3 I WILL SMOKE YOU JUST LIKE I DO BOT BONG RIPS

     
  30. Crab Grab sells PCP to children. You can see the obsession at camps.

     
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  32. Thys iz tha worsst pOst yobeat hAZ evR pOsTEd

     
  33. I came for the comments. Good show everyone

     
  34. can yobeat just disappear already? #FuckYoBeat #FuckBrooke

     

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