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Jesus Shreds

A lot of girls and guys in the extreme sport industry are way into Jesus. Let’s say “extremely” into Jesus. And that’s cool. Because he helps them win contests. Jesus gives them sponsorship stickers which they put on their boards and then when they win a contest or aren’t stricken down they thank him. They say: “I’d like to thank my family, my sponsors, and Jesus.” Which they should.

But it’s obvious to me that Jesus doesn’t love everybody the same. He can’t. If he did, contests would be boring. If Jesus loved everybody equally he wouldn’t let one sheep in the flock become more talented at snowboarding than another. If he loved all children alike there would be a forty-way tie for 1st place at every event.

YOU THINK KELLY CLARK GOES THIS BIG FOR THE CROWD? NO, IT'S PART OF HER SPONSORSHIP CONTRACT WITH JESUS

YOU THINK KELLY CLARK GOES THIS BIG FOR THE CROWD? NO, IT

So that begs the question: who does Jesus love more? Mega-ripper Shaun White? Ultra talented Travis Rice? That pagan Terje Haakonsen? Maybe we should approach the question in terms of head-to-head competition. For instance, in professional snowboarding Luke Wynen and Tommy Czeschin love Jesus. But, how come Tommy wins more contests than Luke? Where was Jesus when the chips were down for Luke Wynen? Is Luke maybe a little more talk and little less action when it comes to loving Christ? Does Jesus like Tommy more because he hates gay people more?


THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN BEFORE LUKE WYNEN FOUND JESUS, WHEN HE WAS INTO THE DARK AND STILL HAD A SPONSOR

That’s a deep philosophical question that maybe we’ll never understand. The Lord works in mysterious ways and, like Terje, he keeps a low media profile. He’s happiest riding by himself in the backcountry or ice fishing in Finland. I think he secretly hates being dragged into every televised sports production. I mean the dude still doesn’t have a boot sponsor. He doesn’t care. He just sports sandals. Jesus doesn’t give a fuck. He doesn’t have to film and he doesn’t even have to compete. He knows he’s the best. He owns a company way bigger than Grenade Gloves and he’s got the pope to run it for him. Jesus is seriously hooked up.

But I don’t mean to get sacrilegious here. I have to give Jesus props for mad skills on a board. He can do back-to-back 1080s without thinking about them, he rules on rails, and he’s got more first descents than anybody. You think Travis Rice is pretty good? Well, Jesus was doing 1080s over 120 ft. gaps way back in the early 90s when Travis was still an acne riddled altar boy giving head to the local Priest. In fact, I met a Jesuit who swears he read in the Black Sea Scrolls where Jesus did a 30 ft. 1440 grabbed the whole around before the fall of the Roman Empire. The point is the J-dog secretly enjoys being the best boarder in the world and he’s not about to bless anybody to be better than him.


TOMMY CHEZCHIN HAS ALWAYS HAD JESUS IN HIS HEART, ENABLING HIM TO SOAR HIGH ABOVE THE COMPETITION.

So let’s not waste our breath dropping shout outs to Jesus Christ. Homeboy ain’t listening. Instead let’s focus on emulating his tweaked out Nazarene style, and his purist approach to the sport. The next time you ask yourself What Would Jesus Do?” really think about the answer. It could be simpler than you think. I think Jesus would do a lot of butter tricks and sweet backside methods. That’s what Jesus would do.

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Comments (14)

  1. JESUS loves all snowboarders …..a fucking hell of allot more than fucked up skiers ….a-men

     

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