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Kyle’s Fucking Column: Dave Schiff and the Exploding Van

by Kyle Clancy

I noticed a lot of comments requesting Grenade stories, and I’ve got one for you. A large part of Grenade in the beginning was Dave Schiff and his antics, so I will start this with a short story so you know what kind of a character you’re dealing with.

Our friend Rahm Klampert breaks his fingers while skateboarding in downtown Portland. His bones are protruding and there’s blood everywhere. In a large group we race to the nearest hospital. The emergency room is packed and everyone is in pain or bleeding, in fact there are some stab wounds and what we believe to be a gunshot. These poor people have been waiting for hours and hours and we have now joined them.

It’s not long before Dave becomes bored and hungry. He goes to the emergency room vending machine and buys a cheap muffin. He opens the muffin and it falls on the floor of this less-than-kosher downtown Portland emergency room. He proceeds to pick it up and throw it at my head. The people writhing in agony are not impressed, so out of respect for these folks, I throw the muffin back at Dave, hitting him in the face. It again falls onto the floor. This time Dave scoops up the muffin, looks around at all the folks now watching us because we’ve caused a commotion, looks me directly in the eyes, and puts the entire muffin in his mouth in one bite.

So now you know the type of guy you’re dealing with.

Fast-forward a few days later we are walking down the street in Sandy, Oregon, where we see a van for sale. The sign says $50 or best offer! It just so happens Dave needs a place to sleep, so I tell him call the phone number on the sign. Within 20 minutes Dave is driving up the mountain pass with his new kidnapper van. When he reaches Government Camp though, it simply stops running. Dave sleeps in this unmovable van for a few nights and then decides it’s no longer useful.

We happened to be filming for the Grenade movie Night of the Living Shred at the time. Out of nowhere Travis Rice shows up with an “allegedly” live hand grenade. No one is surprised, of course. Jared Slater, the director of Night of the Living Shred, thinks we need a great ending to our film, so we have the van towed to a undisclosed nearby location in the woods. The idea is that the zombies chase the stars of the movie into the van and then the van explodes. Travis is convinced all he must do is pull the pin and throw the hand grenade in the open window of the van to make it happen! Are you fucking kidding me?

Colin Langlois thinks better of this and talks Travis into placing the hand grenade underneath the van with a very long string attached to the pin, hidden far enough away (in our minds), behind a mound of dirt. Travis ‘allegedly’ pulls the string, but nothing happens!!  We figure it must be a dud.

Just as Schiff decides to walk over the dirt pile and investigate, his hair is blown back like a salon hair dryer by the largest explosion anyone has ever witnessed. Not only is the explosion gigantic, the van begins to roll downhill towards Mt. Hood National Forest, in flames. It’s at this point the crew begins to get a little bit worried about their decision-making skills. Luckily, just before hitting the national Forest and beginning an incredible fire, the van rolls to a gentle stop and burns ferociously to cinders.

Most people thought this was a fake stunt, but there’s no need for effects when you’ve got guys like Dave Schiff and Travis Rice.

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Comments (11)

  1. hell yea, great story kyle! keep em comin’

     
  2. One of my biggest regrets in life is not being there when this happened.

     
  3. Let’s hear Schiff’s side of the story!!! PS where / what is that guy up to these days?

     
    • He’s back working at Grenade.

       
    • Hey Dante I’m doing well. I’m came back to Grenade after Danny took the company over 100%. I’ve been back here for about a year now taking care of operations and making sure that we make fun and cool shit for the kiddies.

      Kyle forgot to add the following.

      1. That van never ran. I had it towed from Gresham, OR to Govy on my AAA Plus membership. If you don’t have one get one. You can tow a vehicle 100 miles for free up to 3 times a year.

      2. This van was also a community love shelter. I think Sketchy-D made women out of a bunch of HCSC campers that summer in there. Just kidding about the campers but D did do some deeds over the summer. Hell we all did. I also think D slept in there more than I did. I slept behind a couch in the Solomon house for the majority of the summer.

      Someone ruined my awesome American Flag graffiti by tagging “Used Condoms Inside” and “please blow me up” all over the van the night before we filmed. However they weren’t lying and we did just as they asked.

      4. There was also 10 gallons of gasoline involved to make that glorious fireball. Anyone with a military background can tell you frag grenades don’t that produce that magnitude of flame without a little liquid encouragement.

      5. Collin and I both got really cut up when we got dragged behind the van. I think Collin cut one of his nipples off and I had my buttginity (how’s that for a portmanteau) taken by a long phallic rock.

      6. The van was never supposed to roll. The parking brake blew out. luckily that mound of dirt was there or I would have probably lost my buttginity for the second time in the Oregon State Pen. However I heard they serve a great vegan/gluten free gruel there so it wouldn’t have been all that terrible.

      7. I like that Kyle thinks I’m crazy. I’m not crazy. I’m just not a pussy. Also everything you have read may or may not be true. I’m not stupid either.

      -Dave

       
  4. “I’m not crazy. I’m just not a pussy.” Amazing.

     

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