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You’ve heard of freestyle snowboarding, you’ve heard of freeriding, you’ve heard of big mountain riding, and you obviously know about jibbing; but an entirely new discipline known as “gymnastiboarding” has just been invented.
Gymnastiboarding, like snowboarding, takes place on snow, most often in the park. Gymnastiboarders value technical merit over style, and LOVE having skiers tell them that they are the very best at taking gymnastics and figure skating to the snow. “Finally we have a sport the rest of the drones can understand,” said Today show Host Katie Couric. “Style is so personal and so intangible to someone who’s been told what to wear and what to think their whole lives. Gymnastiboarding is perfect for the general public.” Couric continued.
Leading the gymnastiboarding charge are riders Billy Morgan and Max Parrot, whose recent quadruple flips sent the world into a frenzy. “I haven’t seen anything like it since the 1980 skiing aerial finals at Lake Placid went down,” said some old guy from New York. “That is true ability right there. Anyone who has mastered physics on that level deserves a big shiny metal if you ask me.”
Gymnastiboarding focuses on a rider’s ability to utilize their momentum in a sort of controlled falling that leads some to question, “What the fuck just happened?” Riders are not only scored on their technical ability; but also who’s music choice and energy drink sponsor best compliments their routine and who’s outerwear is the brightest. FIS president, Gian Franco Kasper had this to say, “What we’re really looking to do is bring in all the flair and panache of figure skating, gymnastics and aerial skiing into the snowboard world. Snowboarding is too dark, too much black. We wanna add some flair. We’re all about self-expression as long as you express yourself within our parameters. Let snowboarding keep style. Gymnastiboarding is all about flippy-spinny!!!” he said as he pirouetted about.
Kasper is excited to see gymnastiboarding in both halfpipe and slopestyle forms for the 2018 winter Olympics in Pyeongchang. “We are so excited to be converting snowboarders into gymnasts!” Kasper said enthusiastically. “You can watch 10 guys do a method and it’s hard to say whose is better; but we can all count rotations, so it’s great to be able to say definitively who the best is.” Being the best competitor in gymnastiboarding is extremely important. “Without any definitive way to crown the best gymnastiboarder we would have no ability to know who we should offer a very lucrative endorsement deal to,” Target CEO Brian C. Cornell said. “By using gymnastiboarding’s “cool factor” we’re able to convince the American public the crap we sell is actually something they need. It’s a match made in heaven.”
Be sure to catch the gymnastiboarding finals during the 2016 installments of the X Games and the Dew Tour.