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10 reasons NOT to move to Burlington, Vermont

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Burlington… oh Burlington, I’ve given you everything…. and in return, I have received nothing but the occasional acid flashback and a momentary case of the clap (don’t worry ladies, it’s gone, thanks student health.) Anyways, what can I say about the seemingly picturesque college town besides, don’t judge a book by its cover. Or, in this case, don’t judge a college based on the review of some kid you met at Camp Bisco.

Listen, you probably think you have Burlington all figured out. However, Burlington not the super chill, shred utopia you may think it is. My name’s the Yung Bachelor and I’m about to expose Burlington’s dark and disgusting underbelly. Yup, you heard it right folks, here’s ten reasons, in no particular order, why you shouldn’t move to Burlington, VT.

1.The University of Vermont

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Not only is UVM extremely expensive, but the University also requires you to live in the dorms for your first two years of school. Initially, the allure of booze, girls and freedom will make the dorms seem like a vice filled paradise. However, after you’re stuck in a forced triple for a year, your perspective will change. After all, most stereotypes regarding UVM are true, so one of your roommates will quickly make the transformation from sheltered high school student to heady rage master when he simultaneously discovers his love for plastic vodka and the Grateful Dead. By the end of your freshman year, you’ll want to get out of the dorms faster than Shaun White at an Olympic slopestyle event.

2.Champlain College

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-The University of Vermont isn’t the only college in downtown Burlington. There’s also Champlain College and it’s also very expensive. Although Champlain is a much smaller collegiate institution, what it lacks in size, it makes up for in smelly gamers and pretentious hipsters. Have you ever been vibed out by a graphic design major, rocking a Thrasher hoody, that you’ve seen pushing mongo? Neither have I, until I went to a Champlain party.

3. KETAMINE

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Rick James once famously stated, “Cocaine’s a hell of a drug!” I’m not downplaying the effect of cocaine on the human nervous system. However, I’ve never seen anyone lay facedown in a dirty bathtub for half an hour after a line of cocaine. Think about it, do you really want to live somewhere where recreational Ketamine use is common?

4. BEER SNOBS

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Supporting local business is awesome and Vermont has a ton of amazing local beer. Although, as someone who spends 40 dollars at a time to stock up on Bud Ice and 4loko, I’m not exactly the pickiest person when it comes to what I guzzle down my throat piece. For some odd reason, certain people in Burlington care. These people are Beer Snobs and they’re annoying as fuck. Just imagine that kid in High School who thought he knew everything about weed. Now, imagine that same type of person at a bar or house party, critiquing your choice of beverage. You can find these snobs pensively lurking around the beer cooler at City Market.

5. WOOKS

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Trust fund hippies suck, but they’re a lot better than the real thing. A wook has no real goals or aspirations besides getting high, begging for free shit and collecting heady pins to put on their cranial accessories. Unlike the collegiate trustafarians, wooks don’t have parental income to depend upon. Instead, they’re left with nothing but “good vibes” to get them through life. Besides, I’ve never seen a trustfund hippy filter a hit of nitrous through a dirty sock. You’ll most likely find these wooks lurking around the Church Street area of downtown. Never engage a wook or else he’ll try and sell you a bunch of “sacred” gems or something along those lines.

6.THERE’S NOT A STRIP CLUB

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Self explanatory.

7. FRAT DUDES/ BROS

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Honestly, I’m surprised that these Ronald Regan-loving, Jimmy Buffet -listening to, pink short-wearing brochachos decide to bro out in the most liberal state in America, but they do and do so at a growing rate. Typically, these bros love Newschoolers, Brooks Brothers, and club lacrosse. You can find these bros getting their groove on downtown at Rasputin’s bar with a mixed drink in one hand and an underage girl in the other.

8. LONGBOARDERS

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I don’t know what to say about Longboarders that hasn’t already been said, but I’ll give it a shot. In my opinion, longboarding is a lot like masturbating. Firstly, I think that if you’re doing either, publically, on a college campus, that you should be arrested. Secondly, I think that if you’re doing either with gloves and a helmet, that you’re taking it way too seriously. Unfortunately, longboarding is an epidemic in Burlington. You can find these thrill seeking douchers holding up traffic by carving down one of the many busy hills of Burlington. However, there are some “shortboarders” out here too.

9. EVERYONE’S A DJ

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-In terms of the collegiate community as a whole, not too many people like rap music. Well, a few like political conscious, “bush knocked down the towers”, type shit. But, in terms of music regarding wholesale cocaine prices, ciroq and molly, there’s not a huge following. What I’m getting at, is if you’re not hearing some heady jams, you’re probably about to hear a bass drop. Unfortunately, the popularity of electronic music within Burlington makes everyone aspire to be a DJ. Let me tell you, there’s nothing more annoying than a college DJ. To my dismay, I’ve seen em all. Yup, from “DJ JAZZY JIZZ” to “DJ KETAFIEND”, they all suck. The only DJ I’m partial to is “DJ NOISE VIOLATION”, because that’s when my homie Nice Mike hijacks the sound system at a party and maxes it out with Three 6 Mafia until the cops come and give the homeowners a noise violation.

On a serious note, RIP DJ A-DOG.

10. LANDLORDS / COAST OF LIVING

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The majority of landlords in Burlington are complete scumbags. A few landlords own almost all of the property downtown. Therefore, you’re going to live in Burlington, be prepared to pay a fuckload to live in a deteriorating house or apartment.

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Comments (183)

  1. This sounds strangely similar to Marquette
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  2. Just described Boulder to the t
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  3. Ha it’s chill tho cuz i get mad bitches
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  4. sounds like someone got their fake id pulled while trying to get it in at RJ’s
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  5. Fuck the East Coast…. you could have just said “reasons not to move to “
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  6. Sounds strangely similar to almost any college town…
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  7. Get your hairy dick out of burlington.
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  8. I’ve lived in BTV for 12 years and laughed pretty hard at this post.

    However, I think the biggest joke will be when the author realizes that graduating and moving away from Burlington is gonna suck harder than anything he’s dealing with now.

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    • graduating kinda sucked, but moving away from BTV wasn’t so bad. after college all the town does is turn into a black hole

      laughed at sig ep

      more white people with dreadlocks than any other city in america

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      • Black hole? The summer is absolutely amazing in Burlington!

        Its when all the ignorant dumbfuck college students leave, and the bar scene turns from “Its My 21st birthday!!!AHHSHKSJ BLAH BLAH” …to a town full of progressive, open minded young professionals makin shit happen and partying properly

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  9. Whoever wrote this is great, camp bisco is the worst place ive ever been to
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  10. Hey bro. Cool it with your very unchyll vibes. You’re messing with my chakra.
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  11. but… you can just cruise down thru wat, and into berre to find a high end, classy as hell strip joint. so that point is moot.
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  12. Smart long-boarders will do it when it’s dark out and no one is around… Same goes for masturbation
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  13. literally none of these things are unanimous to burlington. i’m a senior and have never seen ketamine and i definitely don’t hang out with a sober crowd, also the author spelled cost wrong, fucking idiot. also also, greek life at uvm is a joke so complaining about it as if it’s intrusive is absurd.
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  14. WHAT! I don’t think Stan is gonna like this since he went to college there for 4 years…
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  15. The things I’ve seen this kid do……………. @thetrusnakefiles.
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  16. babes u can catch me in the snake den bathtub deep in a K-hole
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  17. alright what the fuck this is halrious
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  18. Phish ain’t never hurt nobody
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  19. Smoke a joint and venture outside of Burlington dude. There is so much more to VT and the social scene is way better when the school brats are gone for the summer. If you can’t enjoy all the great things that we have here, I feel bad for you bro
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  20. I won a trip to Vermont this summer .ps I live in Tahoe. Vermont seemed like a pretty chill state. Mad hipsters in the city but the hills seemed better than Midwest spots and a lot of kids all over were stoked on riding . But I have never seen so many dirty white people with dreadlocks anywhere else in my life. On a score of 1-10 I give vt a 7.8 . Atleast it’s not Colorado
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  21. You lost all credibility the minute you called yourself the “Yung Bachelor”…this is the worst piece of garbage I’ve read in a long time. This is superficial, and it makes me glad you don’t like Burlington. I can’t stand kids like you anyway.
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  22. i would love to know what this guy is like. “yung bachelor”??? haha probably some skate lifestyle thug who dropped out of UVM in 1999 and didn’t leave burlington until he was 35. it wasn’t until the freshmen girls starting calling him creepy at 30 that he started hating the city. the next 5 years were really tough I bet. The sputies bros beat you up and called you a dirtbag for trying to hit on their underage girls. The college DJ’s kicked you out of all their house parties for continually requesting A Tribe Called Quest. The beer snobs hated on you because you only drank Number 9 and Blackbeary Wheat. I’m sure the landlords/cost of living was a problem because you didn’t have a job. You would couch surf off your friends and sell weed when you weren’t shredding Talent. Eventually your hatred for UVM wooks and Champlain hipsters grew out of jealousy. Getting banned from party after party and being forced to chill with crusty, pimple faced skater chicks would have gotten me too.

    Not sure how you can rip burlington dj’s and then say RIP A-Dog….you are a clown

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  23. This should be called “why shitty college kids ruin an awesome” because I live here, and it’s the shit. Especially when the college kids are gone for the summer. I also thankfully did not go to college here. Looking through the eyes of an “adult”, it’s such an incredible place to live and raise a young fam.

    Oh and I’m sorry you’re rich parents paid for you to go to college to be a shithead and do drugs the whole time. Doesn’t mean the town sucks. I moved here from Brooklyn, which is where you will probably end up, hoping for a “cool” place to love, and be an even shittier person, still needing your parents to pay for all your shit. Then you can write an article about why Brooklyn sucks, and please note that you are actually in fact why it sucks.

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  24. All the girls have their heads up their ass and all the guys stay there to act like boys but feel like men, around idiots just like them.
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  25. “Have you ever been vibed out by a graphic design major, rocking a Thrasher hoody, that you’ve seen pushing mongo? Neither have I, until I went to a Champlain party.”

    TRU

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  26. Who ever wrote this is retarded. You I’m guessing never leave your bed… why dont you move to another town if its so expensive and there so many wooks and frat boys. Eat a dick. This city is the best. You picky little shit
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  27. Notice how the types of people he described mostly come from the two colleges in our city. He doesn’t say anything about the natives from here. I have lived here my whole life and it is one of the most peaceful and beautiful places I’ve ever been. You can not judge a town from the colleges that it has and the out of state kids those colleges bring in. You obviously haven’t looked outside of your hazy college dorm and really experienced Burlington. Maybe if you weren’t such an arrogant ass you would have some friends to show you how awesome Burlington is.
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    • Burlington isn’t all that great. If you’re not into the bar scene then there are minimal things to do downtown, not to mention the load of overpriced, low quality clothing stores that nobody can afford. And downtown is okay when there aren’t people begging for change all over the place. You are probably someone who gives it to them, aren’t you? No wonder the homeless population is still increasing.
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  28. Number one on the list of “worst things about Burlington, VT” should be its pathetic comedy scene. I’ve seen the author hype himself on Facebook. You look nervous in your Nectars Comedy Hour videos, Jack. Just relax, maybe try some of that ketamine you claim is everywhere. Theres nothing less funny than a jittery comedian, whats the deeeeaaaal.
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  29. are the illustrations supposed to be terrible tho
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  30. @phatzo and I are going 2 bisco this summer!! -luv u bb-
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  31. I think what we have here is a guy who’s got a case of the “just a little too old for the current scene” here. I mean Burlington’s just like any other place that has everything you need, like NYC or Brooklyn. You gotta learn to take the good with the bad, the crazy with the insane, you know? That’s why I tag “MAHALO” everywhere I go, whenever I can. According to Wikipedia, “Mahalo” is a “Hawaiian word meaning thanks, gratitude, admiration, praise, esteem, regards, or respects.” So that’s why I tag it. You gotta remember to thank EVERYONE you come in contact with, because if you don’t you’ll find the stinking thinking creeping into your outlook, and that’s not a good path to go down. There was a guy wigging at the last STS9 show I was at (HG 4EVAS) and I told him “Dude: MAHALO.” and he totally looked confused for a second but then the meaning just washed over him and it was all good grooves and vibes from then on. But anyway, yeah, take the good with the bad, y’all. Like, you know every time you by a bag of anything you know it’s cut with something else. But you can’t let ourself get hung up on that kind of thinking. You gotta look at the bag and just be happy you got it in the first place. I know this one dude who was freaking on everybody’s trip because his nose was bleeding and shit, and we were all like “Dude: MAHALO.” We got him some paper towels for his nose (altho that gave him a nasty dead-skin rash around his nostrils) and after an hour or so he was chill and it was all good again. We just thanked each other and our parents for setting us all up here in BTV. I mean that apartment was pretty trashed by the time we were done with it, but my dad paid the next LL double what he was asking just to make sure we got the place. It’s not too far from all the bars and that’s another thing great about Burlington: all the bars, man. They’re everywhere. Where I’m from you’d have to walk or God forbid DRIVE at least a few minutes to get to a bar but here it’s like I just step out the door and there’s like five of ‘em in every direction. I mean I really dig it here. The last five months have been totally amazing. I haven’t even gotten to the great boarding trails they have here. My god, it’s so fucking sweet. I’ve skipped pretty much all of my classes shrednarring but I’m gonna take in completes on all of them and just come back next year. My dad can afford it, and he loves me and knows that I gotta live my life, you know? An extra year or two here isn’t gonna hurt anybody. Anyway, MAHALO everybody. If you see a dude with a blue fleece jacket with the collar up and kind yellow dreads, that’s me, Mr. MAHALO. Stop and share a few words. I’m chill.
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  32. Lot of Burlington hate here. If you aren’t down with how awesomely chill Burlington is outside of the college scene. . . you probably bounced right after you graduated, back to your mother’s bosom in Connecticut, or spent more of your trust fund to get you to the next Burlington. . say. . . Portland?
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  33. “This is crap and the kid who wrote it seems like the skate-bro equivalent to the guy who leads all those weird paddle rituals in frat house basements, but it will drive a ton of traffic with all of the superficial comments and shitty jokes! Awesome! This is perfect Yobeat content.”
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  34. You forgot about the f–cking F35$ that will be coming to Burlington! That’s one f–cked up, corrupted deal that was handed down.
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  35. This definitely had some funny points, speaking as someone who graduated from the overpriced UVM and stuck around. Everyone does think they’re a DJ and it needs to STOP. But don’t be fooled, the “trustafarians” suck WAY more than actual wooks and should really move back to Connecticut or New Jersey to plague the cities there, they ruin everything that is great about Burlington. But most of all he left out the absolute worst part of this town, and that is the growing Heroin problem. it’s getting so bad that I want to move away immediately. Seriously what’s the deal? I feel sick every time I see a syringe in a trash can at a bar, because that happens ALL THE TIME.
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  36. As a Burlington local, just wanna say that almost every point made in this piece is valid — however much it may hurt to admit!
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  37. Doesn’t Sound too bad eh? Probably the best world a man could ask for.
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  38. You forgot to mention that it’s the coldest place on earth, there’s 5 days of sun a year, and has one of the highest rates of opiate and heroin addiction in the country. But hey, cliff jumping in the summer is great!
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  39. As a Burlington native who left for five years to travel/attend uni, I agree with all of your points except the ketamine thing (I call bullshit on that, unless you’re just talking about on campus, I’m sure it exists but I know a lot of drug dealers and users – the joys of being a townie – and I’ve never heard of anyone doing/selling K), and that the “wooks” are worse than the trustafarians. Honestly, though, most of the issues you list would go away if we stopped the influx of asshole trustie college kids.

    Here’s my favorite Burlington joke:
    How do you starve a UVM hippie?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Hide Daddy’s credit card under the soap

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  40. Heroine on campus, OC’s, cocaine I believe. Special K, nope…

    Special K is big in Asia, China, ect but not here.

    If your talking about some smack, we got it up here, along with the cold weather, tons of snow, and people who open doors for others.

    (we also have alot of deadbeat stoners living off SSI/Unemployment as well).

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  41. Vermont sucks for snowboarding, except this year. It could be the only year I even thought I might wish to be there to ride snowboards. It really sucks and who gives a fuck about totally predictable social scenes you describe? How about someone give me one good reason to move to Vermont for snowboarding? Forget about Burlington, Vermont or the whole shitty east cost, it all sucks. NW4lyfe.
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  42. Shame on the dude that wrote this. I have traveled many states/countries and lived in just as many. I have never in all my travels found anything quite like Vermont. Im assuming the person that wrote this has never experienced real life. I will return to Vt someday for good and that’s where I will be buried.
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  43. Do people not understand what satire is? ……
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  44. You forgot the crackheads..

    oh and the fact that theres NO FUCKING PARKING

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  45. My conclusion from this article is that it was written by a very young person.
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  46. I’m going to be honest, if I could do it over again I wouldn’t go to UVM.
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  47. on point and fucking hysterical
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  48. Well, seriously. This is funny, but its stereotypical and clearly coming from a douch-ey out of staters perspective, in which case, go back to the masshole you crawled out of.
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    • I totally disagree. As a Vermonter who went to UVM and my brother went to Champlain, this is seriously accurate (he was a Game Programmer major and his roommates really did smell… lol. He was also in a Quad, not just a triple).I never went to a frat party though I knew plenty of Sig Ep/Fiji/Pike brothers (which is why I actually find that meme about Sigma Phi Epsilon hilarious).
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  49. Clearly this was written by a douch-ey out-of-stater who should probably just crawl back to the masshole he rolled out of.!
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  50. I normally don’t comment on things such as this, but I felt it was necessary.

    I’m a UVM senior. I consider myself quite liberal. I most certainly don’t come from a trust fund family, as I pay for college by myself. But the biggest point I want to make is that I’m also in a fraternity. I understand the stereotypes, and sometimes they actually are true unfortunately. However it’s unfortunate that so many people feel that way looking from the outside-in on Greek life. I’m proud of being in a fraternity because it gets me involved in philanthropic events throughout the Burlington and UVM communities. Greek life does exponentially more beneficial things for the surrounding community than ~85% of the rest of the UVM student body. Yet this somehow gets overlooked all the time, because who would want to focus on the good stuff we do? I get that it’s not meant for everyone, and that’s fine. However I feel like there is a lot of unfair prejudice towards Greek life members from “progressive/forward thinking people”.

    So before you stereotype, take a second to think, “Hm, maybe that fraternity bro is ACTUALLY a nice and normal person”.

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  51. I’m just an old woman from southern Vermont, I’m sorry but I didn’t understand a word you wrote, although it was in English?
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  52. Ah, good ‘ol Burlington, VT…the only place where your social ranking is determined by how much powder you shred or how much powder you put up your nose
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    • Not everyone in Vermont skis or snowboards. As a matter of fact there are plenty of us who think it’s a hugely overblown activity. Sure, it dumps obscene amounts of money into the state but as far as I’m concerned, skiers and snowboarders are like bible thumping Jesus freaks. Or Jehova’s Witnesses. Do what you want to do but leave me the fuck alone! There is life beyond the fucking snow. Not to sound like the xenophobe someone else mentions but flat landers, go home and don’t return. As for those who live here and are still ski/board nazi’s, I hope you end up hitting a tree.
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  53. You forgot to mention Subarus…the cause of EVERY TRAFFIC JAM in the State of Vermont and the whinny, xenophobic 802-sticker bunch.
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  54. Yea, dude almost nailed it on the head. I’ve lived here for 30 years, traveled the entire United States (in a band, not trust funded) & I still can’t believe the number of defensive, clueless & oblivious population that flock to this state. Ultra left-wing retards lurk everyplace you visit & along with them come there rules & ‘open minded-ness’ which only exist to serve their agenda. This isn’t limited to bars either, there are only a very small handful of decent establishments to drink in left & I don’t dare name the few cool ones leftover in worry that d-bags researching a move to VT might see this & ruin it for my very small group of friends & myself (who don’t like phish, “craft” beer or date-raping woman)
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  55. Ok first off, the author of this article clearly hadn’t moved away from he ever until he tried Vermont because he doesn’t realize that everything on his list is going to be found in every major college town aside from the actual names of the schools and the hippies might be replaced with gangsters, rednecks, preps or etc. I agree with his point about the cost of living and school tuition however every dorm in every college is going to be small and cramped. Also, I used to work at Magic Hat and I’ll say that their beer is nothing special, however other Vermont brewery’s (that primarily sell only to VT bars and restaurants) such as Hill Farmstead or The Alchemist make beer of a quality higher than this ignoramus could handle so his opinion doesn’t count. Another thing, the music scene? He had to attack the music scene…Is it because he is jealous he can’t make music? Ok well electronic music is way better than rap, especially artists like Gramatik, EOTO, Break Science, Pretty Lights & Lotus are way better musicians/music producers than any mainstream junk this author probably listens too. He clearly only recognizes “gangster rap” as music since he hates on Immortal Technique (a true hip-hop artist who preaches meaningful, intricate lessons and stories), the artist who performs “Bin Laden” aka the “bush knocked down the towers” song this author refers too. 50 cent/G-Unit “i f*** bi***es, i get money, i sell drugs and get in trouble” is not real hip-hop or good music…it’s just mainstream “gangster rap”…so mister-I’m-a-writer (not a good one though, he didn’t even mention how f***ing cold it get’s here in winter in his not-top-10), how about you put your focus onto something more important than bashing my state and use your leisure time to maybe do something productive like fill out a job apocation or a transfer application to a new school. Anyways…802 rocks…so quit your whining, get a life (not spending, only god knows how many hours you wasted on that disgrace of an article) and go back to wherever the hell you came from.
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  56. I’d say it’s high time the author heads back to New Jersey. Try paying for living in a major city. Clearly written by an undereducated college student with a limited world view. Disappointing.
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  57. I love all the defensive comments. YOU ARE THE IDIOTS THIS ARTICLE IS ABOUT!! Bahahhaha
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  58. Swing down to Rutland. All the benefits of Vermont, with none of the pomp and circumstance.

    cheap tuition, no long boards, much fewer hippies, real bars, real music, and inexpensive housing.

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  59. ONLY RODE STOWE ONE DAY IN MY LIFE AND I SMOKINGLY CARVED THE LIVING PREPPYNESS OUT OF THAT HELMET-WEARING WELL-DRESSED CROWD THEY GOT GOING ON THERE. MAVEN WAS THE COOLEST LOOKING RETAIL SHOP I HAD EVER SEEN IN VT THOUGH AND FOR THAT THEY DESERVE SOME TRUE PROPS BECAUSE THAT IS A DIFFICULT THING TO DO THESE DAYS. OTHERWISE, PROPS TO THE INDEPENDENT BUSINESS VIBES UP YONDER AS WELL, PRETTY COOL NOT SEEING THE CHAINSTORES!

    VIVA LA CHAMPY! VIVA LA BRUSHIE! VIVA LA GOULET! VIVA LA KING! VIVA LA NEARY! VIVA LA MILLER! VIVA LA EVANS! VIVA LA SPIRO! VIVA LA JAMIL!!!!!

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  60. What truly concerns me is the rise in drugs, i.e., HEROIN……$2 million worth of the drug is brought into the state each week. To have such a beautiful state be labeled as “America’s Heroin Capital” is frightening to say the least.
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  61. also….you failed to mention the fact that Burlington is exactly one hour from Montreal…and about 50 stripclubs that make any stripclub in the US seem like fucking chuck e cheese.
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    • ARE YOUR GOING TO GAY STRIP CLUBS? ALOS, DO YOU HAPPEN TO BE ASIAN? HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN A WOMAN AN ORGAMS. LOL
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  62. most of these reasons are pretty spot-on, but unfortunately the same could be said about most cities. the best part about vermont is how awesome everyone who lives here thinks it is. i always suspect it’s because they came from somewhere way shittier. living in burlington gives you the opportunity to be the coolest person in burlington, because it’s not that hard.
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  63. is anyone else confused as to why ketamine is even on this list? I feel like heroin, coke, and crack are MUCH bigger problems in burlington! Coming from Mass, there was a lot more K there and I’ve barely seen any lingering around Burlington… every city has their problems with drugs!
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    • BECAUSE EVERYONE IN BURLINGTON IS STUPID, AND ASIAN. :)
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  64. This article is 100% accurate and Vermont is the worst place to live ever, it like sucks so bad omgeeeee. but seriously dont move to VT, there’s obviously enough douchy college pieces of shit in Burlington And we don’t need them overflowing into the real VT.

    Also yobeat is the stupidest fucking website and I can’t believe I’m posting on here

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  65. dumb and unintelligent….I love my Burlington <3 and am proud to call it my home.
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  66. this isnt satire. The kid who wrote this is a dumbass who has no real values or aspirations
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    • WHOEVER DISLIKED THIS, NEED DIE. GO BACK TO WHERE THE FUCK YOU CAME FROM. I BET YOUR ASIAN. ASIA SEEMS NICE… NOT! SO MOVE BACK BACK THERE… OR, BUY PENIS PUMPS… BECAUSE “MY” WHITE GIRLS ARE GETTING SICK AND TIERED OF NOT GETTING OFF :). ASIANS SUCK. GROW BALLS, SHOW UP AT A NIGGAS HOUSE, THEN TALK SHIT. OF COURSE YOU WONT… YOUR TOO OCCUPIED TRIPPING OVER YOUR SAMLL COCK.
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  67. You can just change the title to “10 reasons not to move to a college town”.
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    • PAUL. WRITE A BOOK. YOUR A GENIUS. THESE ASSHOLES HAVE NO IDEA. SHELTERED ASS BITCHES. GOD HELP ME NOT FIND THEM.
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  68. Also…..I’d like to add…..we don’t want you here anyway….you are why it’s so expensive here. Go to college somewhere else.
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  69. You appear to be pretty small minded. One of your arguments is longboarding? Did you accidentally say 10 reasons and had to squeeze that one in? No strip club? I guess we’re a little too classy. Go beat off somewhere else man. There are douchey frat boys and stoners everywhere. Life is what you make of it, and it Looks like you screwed yourself over
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  70. You forgot the heroin war, the North Streeters who think Burlington is like Compton, And the Colchester Police
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    • MOVE TO COMTON. YOURE ALL SOOOOOO HARD RIGHT??????!!!!!???? LOL YOU FUCKERS ARE HILARIOUS – MOVE TO COMPTON! I BET YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT STTE ITS IN! AND FICK THE WEST COAST!!!! MOVE OIN BK, OR BX ASSHOLE! YOU’LL BE PRAYING YOU HAVE THE CHANVE TO MOVE BACK TO VT; YOUR NOTHING BUT THE TYPICAL PUSSY ASS NIGGER THAT THINKS THERE LEAVING THERE COUNTRY FOR A BETTE RLIFE, ONLY TO RETURN MORE HUMBLE THAN EVER. SO SHUT YOUR FUCKCING MONTH. OR BETTER YET, SHOW UP AT 44 PEMBROOK DRIVE IN MINEOLA NY… I DARE YOU TO KNOCK ON MY FUCKING DOOR YOU VT PUSSY ASS BITCH! I’LL RAPE YOUR ASS, AND THEN BUY YOUR TICKET BACK TO YOUR INSEST PARENTS HOUSE. :) WELCOE TO THE REAL WORLD, NEW YORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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      • BITCH! 44, PEMBROOK DRIVE, MINEOLA NY, 11501. DARE YOU.
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  71. To eveybody that said negative stuff a bout burlington vt and especially the writer of this article should slit ur throat and burn themselves alive
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    • I AGREE. FUCK THEM! THEY DONT KNOW WHAT LIFE IS! PAMPERED WOODIES. SUCK DICK. MOOSE DICK :). DIE, AND LEAVE THE STATE. AND DIE…
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  72. VT makes you very culty.

    To people who fly in and stick, there’s actually no other acceptable place to live, and it’s OK to tell everyone — everyone — about their incorrect life choices if they must move away. I can hear them now: “Provincialism? Oh, we don’t have that IN VERMONT.” Hilarious.

    It’s been 20 years since I left a good chunk of my peer group in VT. Just now, they’re starting to stop explaining to me how much better Vermont is than my state, to start off every single conversion. About 10 years ago, I stopped mentioning that was happening. I think it’s helping!

    My VT friends, dear to me as they are, find me hopelessly square. And probably due to my time in VT, my friends here think I’m a hippie. I can’t win! Oh well. There are worse problems.

    You know what, people? Wherever you are, there you are. Get on with it.

    Here’s a painful truth: You’re more Portlandia than Portlandia. But less funny. And with worse drugs and zoning.

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    • An honest, unbias, un-Asian answer,,, But I still hope you die. Move to BK you oussy. You’ll be sucking dick to raise money for your flight back to VT International.
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  73. This article misses the point entirely. What makes Burlington thrives is it’s appeal to successful and intelligent people and the loyalty of the population to small business. We have one of the best educational medical facilities in the country. If you look at any of these reasons stated as a real reason not to live somewhere then please, stay away from here. Vermont is great DESPITE these things, but if you’re 23 and care about being “cool”, being “cooler” than other people, and about the party scene at all then we don’t want you here.
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  74. to not move to any East Coast college town
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  75. Reason #11 not to move to Burlington..Johnny Hancheck lives there
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  76. This one time I saw the author of this thing kickflip a longboard. It was rad.
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  77. duuddee, maan, how can you harsh on that city. I had some of the best acid trips of my life on the pristine beaches of lake champlian
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  78. This article is pretty damn accurate… They forgot to call the frat boys chads though… I lived in Burlington for a year and grew up in Vermont. Burlington was the most expensive place that I have lived in and I have lived in a lot of different cities around the US. For a college student it seemed insane for those students who were living off loans to ever see a day that those loans would be payed back. I worked two jobs to pay my rent and other living expenses as a 19 year old at the time. The houses there are overpriced for rent, and the Chads that went to UVM were the douchiest. As soon as a place becomes cool to live in, everyone jacks up the prices of everything. Yeah there is good beer in Vermont, but there is good beer from pretty much every state. Beer snobs, trustifarians, hipsters, wooks, phish heads, and chads are everywhere…..its just they flock to certain places like Burlington for its pretentious hippy rich young people vibe.
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  79. Interesting article, fairly well written & engaging. One question: Ever heard of proofreading? Simple errors make you look silly.
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  80. a few years back a wook actually tried to sell me crystals at the waterfront… i of course bought them and proceeded to try to find the right angle of the sun to charge them and increase my energy levels while taking dxm and doing bumps of k, what i thought was an average afternoon in burlington turned out to be the majority of my 20’s. take this article as a warning kids, make sure you get the right angles.
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    • Your an ASSHOLE too… But, at least you tell the truth lol.
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  81. You are what you see in the world, my friend. If you can’t enjoy the beautiful surrounding of anywhere in Vermont, you are going to be miserable anywhere you go..
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  82. Bahahahaha this is the funniest thing I have ever read! I thought it was a joke at first, but I’m thinking some one just hates life!
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  83. THIS Kid AND I MEAN KID, Is a complete ASSHOLE. Stupid ass Asian should have stayed where the eyes are tinted… and not drug induced. This kid pisses me off. And if he told me where he lives, I’d come to his door and explain myself :). Don’t listen to this ASSHOLE. Fuck HIM. Asian PRICK. I HATE ASIANS. If AMERICAN, AND/OR VT, was that bad… WHY DIDNT YOU STAY WHERE YOUR CANT SEE STRAIGHT… AKA, ASIA! GO HOME! YOU CANT DRIVE… YOU HAVE SMALL DICKS… AND YOU CANT COOK.,,,, So, here you go dick, FUCK OFF. I hope you DROWN IN LATE CHAMPLAIN :). Have a nice day you fucking immigrant pice of shit.
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  84. this kid is obviously very young. a lot of these things can be applied to every college (high rent, fraternities, drug use, etc) and the article is riddled with stereotypes. if you live in burlington or vermont in general, you would understand that these types of stereotypes are based on ignorance and say a lot about the immaturity and insecurity of the person who blurts them from his/her sickening mouth. the stereotypes you state define only a small percentage of people in burlington – I know like 2 people who listen to the dead, for example. with that said, the dead and phish are great musicians, objectively speaking. but i guess for people who only listen to shitty dubstep and nicki minaj, you wouldn’t understand what good music is. the funniest part of this is the “beer snobs” part. you drink bud ice and four lokos. based on that reasoning of beer snobery, anyone who doesn’t drink piss is a beer snob. when you’re old enough to go to college, maybe you should re-write this article.
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  85. lol this was a mastermind of a piece, and extremley thought provoking
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  86. The dude/dudette’s office are in SE Portland..freaking hipster capital of the west coast. Not a lot of moral high ground there..writing this about BTV while based in SE PDX is like running into your father in law in a whorehouse…
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  87. Not sure who in their right mind moves to Burlington expecting a strip club…? I think the author may have been on ketamine while writing this. Honestly though, you were shocked that there were rich hipsters, skiiers and snowboarders, fancy beer, hippies deadheads and phish heads… AT A COLLEGE TOWN IN THE MOUNTAINS? Just curious what all actually DID you expect to find there?
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  88. As a local, I support this message. So much is right on. Also, another saying is “Burlington is nice, because it’s so close to Vermont.”

    Not many Vermonters look to Burlington to really describe Vermont. Great article. Love it.

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  89. Do not move to vermont. The schools are not all that, this state is too quick to reward these girls with foodstamps with kids by losers. All people here do drugs and drink and have low self esteem problems. Desperate girls. The black guys come here cause the know how lonely and desperate these girls are, and the lonely desperate unhappy women who purposely go after married men and do not care, i regret moving here, gonna move out of this state. Vermont sucks.
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  90. I’m living in Vermont and cannot wait to move out. That being said credit where credit is due: there are a lot of positive things: good beer, nice produce, nice areas (for hiking and whatnot), low crime rate.
    On the flip side cost of living is ridiculous, even real major cities have lower cost of living and a lot more choices. Also the racism here sucks too, I’ve been to trailer parks in the south and felt more welcomed.
    Call me an out of stater, flatlander all you want (or is that veiled language for something else that Vermonters want to call me?) every state has its problems, and as much as I criticize Vermont I know I came here because my home state has its fair share of issues as well, the difference is I can acknowledge that without getting defensive about it.
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  91. You are so right about this place I am not a fan not at all. been here about 5 yrs to damn long waiting and praying for the minute I move out of this horrible place. Just recently found out I’m expecting and NO way in hell am I having my baby in no Fucking Vermont. Pray for me the strenght and courage to leave. Thanx Miserable in Vt
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  92. It’s not so much the Longboarders that get me going… It’s those treacherous Side Walk Bikers! They usually aren’t very solid on those pedals to begin with, hence biking on the sidewalk, not the road where bikes belong. I’m walking down the street, coffee in hand, enjoying a lovely fall stroll down one of the colorful neighborhood streets of the old North End, then all of a sudden, an anxious, novice at best, pedaler forces me to choose between an eminent collision or a matador-esque maneuver possibly resulting in a smearing of dog poo, due to the epidemic of shitty dog owners, pun fully intended, who don’t seem to understand that cleaning up there dog’s shitty poo is a vital part of walking the dog. I’ve probably stepped in the author’s dog shit and or personal shit many times while avoiding the dreaded side walk biker… My advice to you, the author. Get about 10 years older and experience some actual character building problems. Being insecure about what the craft beer makers think about your 4 loco and natty light choices is just speck of dust on your finger nail in comparison to what life will throw at you down the line. As an attempt to expedite the aging process i’ve decided to post my take on the authors 10 reasons below. So cozy up with a nice hot cocoa or 4 loco, if you’re the author, and ready yourself for the inside poop scoop on this fine piece of writing.

    #1 and #2. College kids.

    They are all the same. They are loud, drunk and ready to piss on your lawn. Move to the new north end, south end, winooski, essex, colchester, richmond, milton, etc to avoid the yelling, flash mobs, pink shorts and bro tanks. After all, we do live in Vermont where theres more cows than people and amazing rural pockets to enjoy peace and quiet.

    #3 Ketamine.

    Yeah I’ve never done that… Author, should we be concerned for you?

    #4 Beer Snobs.

    I agree 110% with you here that the beer scene can be overwhelming. At the same time, those folks at switchback, heady topper and hill farmstead have made beer thats good enough to be considered the best in the world, resulting in very fruitful businesses. They were creative, resourceful and intelligent enough to make their businesses profitable. Huge victory this day and age.

    #5 Wooks

    Yeah maybe 10-15 years ago this would still hold up in court. Although the occasional wook is lingering in Burlington, most of the folks I see running around town are Hipsters or just pretty standard flannel wearing Northeastern people. Again, maybe caring so much is the source of your issues with the phantom wook scene of Burlington?

    #6. No Strip Club

    My friend… If you’re really worked up about this one, just get in that parentally funded audi and pop down to Barre. I hear there’s a strip club down there with some high class women, possibly men and 4 locos on tap.

    #7. Frat Dudes/ Bros

    Are in every town in the United States of American. I’m really glad you’re sleuthing cracked the case on this issue.

    #8. Longboarders

    We’ve already addressed that the sidewalk bikers are more of a threat. Moving right along…

    #9. Everyone’s a DJ

    Worldwide epidemic here guys. He speaks the truth, but I think Brooklyn would have more of an issue with this one, or any city or town in America, Europe, Asia, South America… You get it.

    #10. Landlords/Cost of Living

    Burlington, VT is very expensive and there’s not tons of work. Author, this may have been your most valid point of the piece.

    Great job and thanks for coming.

    -Terry Bradshaw

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  93. Number 6 happened to me at esox. Needless to say never going back
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  94. Top 10 list and not one PEANUT (P-NUT) mention! I’m a bit surprised
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  95. I live in VT and was in Burlington for a long time. I, personally, love it here. I have many friends who live here and cannot stand it, though. I don’t care because people live places for their own reasons. I love the quaintness for the area, and one of the main reasons I’m here is because of the nature (skiing, hiking, etc.).

    While I love a good beer, there really are too many beer snobs here. VT has some really great craft breweries, but again, people like what they like. No need to tell them what beer they should enjoy. Also I agree the cost of living is too high for a place like this.

    It seems that you just basically described UVM in a nutshell. While UVM isn’t the type of place I’d want to go to school, I don’t judge the people that like it. I love Burlington for certain things, and don’t care how other people feel about it. Every one has different specifications for living. I would not like living in a place like NYC or Chicago, would that’s my opinion and I don’t hate on those who love it there.

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  96. Sorry friend, your problem isn’t Burlington, it everywhere. You can find basically all of these stereotypes (with a little variation based on location) in ever college town or city across the country. Burlington’s an attractive area to live, however, no one’s making you stay if you don’t want to.
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  97. Honestly, Christopher Keller is reason 11-infinity of why you should never move to Burlington. I agree 100% that it is a beautiful place. Sure, it’s a nice vacation spot and downtown Burlington has lots of wonderful (overpriced) shops and a few high quality restaurants. BUT NEVER EVER MOVE TO BURLINGTON. EVER. It is a terrible place to live, sure it’s not Compton or Baltimore or Ferguson, but honestly it’s not Elysium either. For starters, there is basically nothing to do if you aren’t legal to drink alcohol. So if you want your kids to grow up without being exposed to an environment where half of the town is drunk or drugged out, I urge you to look elsewhere. Although it does get better in the summer, if you are going to live here, you’re going to have to deal with these dumbass UVM college kids as well as the plethora of problems that come with them. If that isn’t bad enough for you, I hope you enjoy homeless people. Burlington has a vast array of dirty homeless begging for change so they can buy their next fix of crack. They seem to be increasing by the day, probably because of the “gentle” and “accepting” mindset of 90% of Burlington’s residents. In addition, the kid who wrote this was totally accurate saying that Burlington’s cost of living was high, but it probably wouldn’t be so bad if the Burlington School Department would get its act together. The BSD budget has been significantly increasing every year for the past ten years, and during the entirety of my time in the school system, I have not noted any significant changes. This kid probably went to Burlington High School, which is exactly why his spelling and grammar is atrocious. Seriously, if you’re in college, you should really know how to proofread by now. What doesn’t make any sense to me is that the budget increases by millions of dollars every year and yet I am still being told, “We’re too poor of a school to afford Kleenex in the classrooms.” I have noticed new office chairs being bought for administrators, while beloved teachers lose their jobs. This was all going on and yet the budget, and therefore the cost of living, continued to be increased. I never felt particularly challenged in the Burlington school system, even in my Advanced Placement courses, which are now being removed from the curriculum. I also do not feel particularly prepared to be attending university. And, although the administration and teachers in the BSD are supposedly teaching acceptance and open-mindedness, never in my life have I felt that my opinion was accepted, until I left Vermont that is. Burlington is a place that is constantly churning out pretentious hipster drones that are not doing much to help society, other than project their views on everyone else and shit on the people who think differently, such as Christopher Keller. As a final note I do have to say that this author really isn’t gaining any credibility by calling himself “Yung Bachelor”.
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  98. Sounds like the author is a huge whining bitch.
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  99. This article doesn’t even do justice to describe how terrible this place really is. Fuck Burlington and fuck Vermont. The snow pack sucks, plus, Burton is here…
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  100. Well, most of this is right. Unfortunately most comment who are clueless teens and don’t grasp economics or growth in any capacity.

    The job market sucks. Middle class has been destroyed. You either making 65k+ or make under 30k a year and barely make it by.

    No jobs exist other than junk. The higher level positions are targeted and companies here don’t care about the workforce. (Ie we want someone with 5 years experience and a degree to punch numbers into a computer.)

    The major areas drugs continue to spread like wildfire, kids have nothing to do and more and more people move in state with money and try to mold it to what they want. Of course, this is after they screwed up their own state and decided to move here.

    Long rant short, at this point the cost of living is insane. You can’t find a decent place for under 1700 a month in any major area and that’s not counting the dives for 1200 a month owned by the slumlords.

    If you want to come here, you are researching this online because you are old, retired and with plenty of money put away. Just like the majority of other people moving in state… Old and retired who can afford to live in suburbia with a rich old clueless wife driving an SUV while they go play golf. :sigh:

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  101. lmao, this list is spot-on! I’m from VT and lived here my whole life…after the Army I moved to Burlington to attend UVM, and how sad I was to see how much Burlington has changed into a Jersey douche, hipster, trust fund baby paradise. I’m not familiar with #1 and #9 though. Didn’t socialize with the local wackos(out-of-state kids) nor did I have to live in the dorms due to my age. But, the landlords in B-town are indeed corrupt as fuck. The apartments aren’t just overpriced…
    Apparently, as a 25 year old female, I can’t even go down to church st and have a few drinks without the cops breathing down my neck once I try walking home. Not to mention these same Burlington cops murdered a mentally ill man, putting 30+ rounds into his chest….most of Vermont remains untouched by these out of state yuppie scumbags, but they sure have ruined Burlington. It USED to be a decent, affordable place to shop… But yeah, I had a real problem with the majority of the people/things described on this list.
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  102. I’d love to meet you and laugh about how much of a loser you are. Talk about living life with the glass half empty. UVM is a solid school with a gorgeous campus. North beach probably has the nicest views of any beach in New England and is one of the only that you can openly party with all your friends. There are tons of places to hang out in the summer and two of the best mountains in the east within an hour. Sounds like you should have picked some cooler places to party.
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  103. Rereading this a year after my last comment and everything author mentions is still 100% accurate. Deduct points for not mentioning the extreme lack of parking or how fucking cold it is All the time (minus four months). Lots of butthurt commenters on here, too… listen, idiots, this summary isn’t of Vermont external of Chittenden County — it’s about Burlington. Everything written here is true as seen by me, someone who’s lived in this city over a decade. If you disagree, you’re either not in the right circles to notice, or you’re in extreme denial. /endrant
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  104. TRUE, I am so outa here..no jobs (I have 4 degrees but had to settle for cleaning toilets), NO housing, tightwad-tight as–d muthas in charge..desperate times – a few nice folks mostly NOT in “nonprofits” that try to help people but overall not survivable.
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