Burlington… oh Burlington, I’ve given you everything…. and in return, I have received nothing but the occasional acid flashback and a momentary case of the clap (don’t worry ladies, it’s gone, thanks student health.) Anyways, what can I say about the seemingly picturesque college town besides, don’t judge a book by its cover. Or, in this case, don’t judge a college based on the review of some kid you met at Camp Bisco.
Listen, you probably think you have Burlington all figured out. However, Burlington not the super chill, shred utopia you may think it is. My name’s the Yung Bachelor and I’m about to expose Burlington’s dark and disgusting underbelly. Yup, you heard it right folks, here’s ten reasons, in no particular order, why you shouldn’t move to Burlington, VT.
Not only is UVM extremely expensive, but the University also requires you to live in the dorms for your first two years of school. Initially, the allure of booze, girls and freedom will make the dorms seem like a vice filled paradise. However, after you’re stuck in a forced triple for a year, your perspective will change. After all, most stereotypes regarding UVM are true, so one of your roommates will quickly make the transformation from sheltered high school student to heady rage master when he simultaneously discovers his love for plastic vodka and the Grateful Dead. By the end of your freshman year, you’ll want to get out of the dorms faster than Shaun White at an Olympic slopestyle event.
-The University of Vermont isn’t the only college in downtown Burlington. There’s also Champlain College and it’s also very expensive. Although Champlain is a much smaller collegiate institution, what it lacks in size, it makes up for in smelly gamers and pretentious hipsters. Have you ever been vibed out by a graphic design major, rocking a Thrasher hoody, that you’ve seen pushing mongo? Neither have I, until I went to a Champlain party.
Rick James once famously stated, “Cocaine’s a hell of a drug!” I’m not downplaying the effect of cocaine on the human nervous system. However, I’ve never seen anyone lay facedown in a dirty bathtub for half an hour after a line of cocaine. Think about it, do you really want to live somewhere where recreational Ketamine use is common?
Supporting local business is awesome and Vermont has a ton of amazing local beer. Although, as someone who spends 40 dollars at a time to stock up on Bud Ice and 4loko, I’m not exactly the pickiest person when it comes to what I guzzle down my throat piece. For some odd reason, certain people in Burlington care. These people are Beer Snobs and they’re annoying as fuck. Just imagine that kid in High School who thought he knew everything about weed. Now, imagine that same type of person at a bar or house party, critiquing your choice of beverage. You can find these snobs pensively lurking around the beer cooler at City Market.
Trust fund hippies suck, but they’re a lot better than the real thing. A wook has no real goals or aspirations besides getting high, begging for free shit and collecting heady pins to put on their cranial accessories. Unlike the collegiate trustafarians, wooks don’t have parental income to depend upon. Instead, they’re left with nothing but “good vibes” to get them through life. Besides, I’ve never seen a trustfund hippy filter a hit of nitrous through a dirty sock. You’ll most likely find these wooks lurking around the Church Street area of downtown. Never engage a wook or else he’ll try and sell you a bunch of “sacred” gems or something along those lines.
Honestly, I’m surprised that these Ronald Regan-loving, Jimmy Buffet -listening to, pink short-wearing brochachos decide to bro out in the most liberal state in America, but they do and do so at a growing rate. Typically, these bros love Newschoolers, Brooks Brothers, and club lacrosse. You can find these bros getting their groove on downtown at Rasputin’s bar with a mixed drink in one hand and an underage girl in the other.
I don’t know what to say about Longboarders that hasn’t already been said, but I’ll give it a shot. In my opinion, longboarding is a lot like masturbating. Firstly, I think that if you’re doing either, publically, on a college campus, that you should be arrested. Secondly, I think that if you’re doing either with gloves and a helmet, that you’re taking it way too seriously. Unfortunately, longboarding is an epidemic in Burlington. You can find these thrill seeking douchers holding up traffic by carving down one of the many busy hills of Burlington. However, there are some “shortboarders” out here too.
-In terms of the collegiate community as a whole, not too many people like rap music. Well, a few like political conscious, “bush knocked down the towers”, type shit. But, in terms of music regarding wholesale cocaine prices, ciroq and molly, there’s not a huge following. What I’m getting at, is if you’re not hearing some heady jams, you’re probably about to hear a bass drop. Unfortunately, the popularity of electronic music within Burlington makes everyone aspire to be a DJ. Let me tell you, there’s nothing more annoying than a college DJ. To my dismay, I’ve seen em all. Yup, from “DJ JAZZY JIZZ” to “DJ KETAFIEND”, they all suck. The only DJ I’m partial to is “DJ NOISE VIOLATION”, because that’s when my homie Nice Mike hijacks the sound system at a party and maxes it out with Three 6 Mafia until the cops come and give the homeowners a noise violation.
On a serious note, RIP DJ A-DOG.
The majority of landlords in Burlington are complete scumbags. A few landlords own almost all of the property downtown. Therefore, you’re going to live in Burlington, be prepared to pay a fuckload to live in a deteriorating house or apartment.