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What Now? – Mountain Biking

Welcome back to the 3rd installment of What Now?, in which we introduce imaginary snowboarders who haven’t done anything else to new activities.

20100705_mckenzie_vanhorn_0001
WHEEE! Look how fast he’s going! All photos: Tim Zimmerman

HEY SNOWBOARDER!

Our stuff kinda sucks. You need special jackets goggles racks gloves cars money gear. Mountains. With snow on them. It’s a bummer putting all your winter gear back in the closet, but it’s important to not hang on too long. You could find yourself in the rain at Crystal Mountain, surrounded by skiers, desperately forcing A GOOD TIME, BRO! Keeping your stoke going with a summertime activity is essential in avoiding frustration. But how?

Skateboarding’s pretty much impossible, especially if you’re old (and let’s face it–if you’re a skateboarder you’re not reading YoBeat). Wakeboarding requires a boat and a lake and a crew of little flat brim hat guys, so fuck that. Surfing? You’re too smart for surfing, bro. Road biking’s gonna get you killed by some sexting driver, hiking is pretty slow, the Gathering Of The Juggalos is only one week long…

20101015_sandy_mccarthy_0003We know what you’re thinking. It’s clearly almost fall, he should be waxing his snowboard. But no, he’s having fun, outdoors!

What’s left? Howzbout some mountain biking? You like bikes, you like mountains: you’re gonna love mountain biking! Being a snowboarder, you’re going to fit right in. Expensive gear, dorky tech nerds, a billion opinions on what’s the right way to do everything, secret zones, localism, more nerds, swooping, mobbing, bailing, animal attacks. Just like snowboarding.

This is gonna be so sick. So sick!

A little history first: mountain bikes were invented by Jake Burton and Rob Roskopp. That’s all you really need to know. Who really cares? History’s for nerds. This shit’s about brapping around in the dirt. Having fun.

whis_ds_smatthews_0011That little thing under him with the wheels? That’s a bike!

STEP ONE: get a bike

Borrow a friend’s bike first. If you don’t have a MTB friend, make one: approach a lonely mountain biker at a brew pub (he’ll look a little like ultimate fighter-meets-Pastrana-meets-attorney-skier. He’ll answer to “Chad.”). Most avid mountain bikers have way too much shit, and you can borrow from their quivers to start out. Just grab one and go. Just like pretty much all snowboards work in pow, most any of these bikes will be fine. Klunkers with coaster brakes, hardtail 29ers, full-suspension bikes, it doesn’t matter yet.

20110717_ds_whis_widen_0007This is not recommended at step 2. Maybe start on the flat ground.

STEP TWO: ride the thing

Just pedal around. Fall over a few times, it’s not too bad. Skid across people’s yards. Build your skills at the local MTB park. Struggle up dirt roads to careen out-of-control down deer trails. Ride the motherfucker. If you get to the top of anything, mobb down. Mobbing is always sick. I jumped into this shit pretty recently, but my baseline skills from just being an American boy with a BMX bike were more than enough. If I come up on some bullshit obstacle on the trail that scares the shit out of me, I just get off and walk around it. It ain’t no thing, just mountain biking. Who gives a fuck?

20100221_marm_mtb_dh-race_0024You can get as aggressive as you want, dude.

STEP THREE: a bike of your own

By the time the bike-lender wants his spare back, you’re going to be stoked on mountain biking. Time to buy your own rig: a good rule of thumb is to survey the gear on the local trails. Multiply the average suspension travel you see by 0.75–that’s all you’ll need. Mountain bikers love to overdo it on the gear. Don’t be one of those guys. If you only get one mountain bike, a 4 or 5” full-squishy bike will do pretty much anywhere. Take advantage of the bike nerds’ gear lust and scoop some of last year’s shit on Craigslist.

20100906_nwsof_day_0007This guy probably thinks that’s a BMX bike!

SOME OTHER STUFF

  • You’re gonna sweat. That’s okay. You may even like it. Two hours on the MTB can exhaust anyone. But it’s fun and worth it. Definitely beats going to the gym (I’d imagine).
  • Heading out on a new trail can be a lot like splitboarding: adventure time. Route-finding disasters, mechanical failures, fitness roadblocks, emotional breakdowns–be open to all types of pain. I carry a lot of water, a couple spare tubes, and Percocet.
  • Prepare: all your favorite Action Sports Archetypes exist within the MTB community: old school purist, new-technology overbuyer, local hero, idiosyncratic weirdo, fun snob, historian, internet talker, fuckin all of them…ain’t nothing new under the sun. Join a squad or stay solo. Whatever. I do think there’s still a lot of room for Cool People to get into MTB, so call me if you’re into just riding around, adventuring, or getting 70% rad.

ds_scene_fadetoblack_005

Buddy biking! That’s cool too.

  • Ride what you want to. It’s all cool. Robocop-looking dudes in fullface helmets and megapads hitch rides on chairlifts and trucks to ride psychobikes down downhill trails full of crazy ladders and shit. Roadie-looking fitness freaks in squid gear smash along flat boring trails in high gears. Dirt jumpers build shitty trails and pretend they’re BMXers. Whatever: it’s all cool! Every year I try and get a few hours of lift-served monsterbike madness as well as some horrible punishing superclimbs in the sun. Do it all, it can all be fun.
  • Clothes: all you really need is a pair of padded biker shorts to put under your cut off Dickies. The only goal is to never chafe yer touchy parts. Trust me. These padded shorts go on first, under all your other clothes. (I swear people ask me that!) Get a helmet so you don’t get as many bad looks on the trail from Do-Gooder McPreachyPants too. Gloves can help, but aren’t necessary. I swear. That’s all you need. Skate shoes. You’re just riding a bike around.

I’M TELLING YOU:

Mountain biking is fun as shit. You and your friends should get some bikes and go ride them. In the dirt. The same pitfalls as any other shit apply: you can get caught up worrying about wheel sizes and suspension settings and yadayada. Forget all that noise. Leave that to the internet. Just go ride a bike around in the dirt. You’ll love it.

Ohhhh, combine a mountain bike trip with camping? At a river? With beers and tents and burgers? DUDE. SO GOOD!

DSC_1955Nature, man. 

 

 

 

It is fun to ride snowboards.
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Comments (22)

  1. A-Man wrote this under the disguise of A-dmin didn’t he? He wants all to join in the spandex revolution he’s got going.

     
  2. It’s all about downhill mountain biking in the summer, skateboarding is a yoyo toy for kids compared to DH. Grab a bike get on a chairlift and rip! I drop bigger cliffs on my bike than most of these tight pant hipsters drop on their snowboards. Dh is Definitely better training for snowboarding than skateboarding is. get wit it!

     
  3. Mountain biking; the only sport that is some how more expensive then snowboarding

     
  4. Nailed it. NW Cup at Ski Bowl coming up! No enduro hype?

     
  5. Need to logon to Amazon and order a HELMET.

     
  6. ” Just like pretty much all snowboards work in pow” oh thats weird i was trying to do slashes in 3 ft of fresh on my technine 138 Lm pro and for some reason i was going really slow?

     
  7. AND GO FUCKING CLIMB SOME FUCKING ROCKS

     
  8. Yeah this was written pretty funny knowing about the nerdy online biking communities, but all in all fairness just like the snowboard one with the exception that bikers actually have more things to worry about.

     
  9. I hear they be meltin’ snow at boarder-areas for this shit? Unacceptable.

     
  10. I cant spending thousands of dollars for a downhill bike, I cant even buy a car worth that much. And dont say it doesnt matter what bike you have, it really matters, theres a reason I gave up on MTB and started skating.

     
  11. mtb is the shit. it’s the same ass-hauling you get in the snow. and every now and then there are forest babes in workout gear doing their thang too. what’s better than playing around in the woods with your friends?

     
  12. @joedh….your a total kook. you give everything your into a bad name. you should quite life.

     
  13. I dig it the most, GET OUTSIDE!

     
  14. What is this, Glamour for dweeb snowboarders? I really needed this shitball article to inform me about the virues of cycling in the dirt. You fucking morons can’t sink any lower.

     
  15. mountain bikers are the longboarders of the bike world.

     
  16. brapping is for dirtbikes dingus. but mtb is the jam

     

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