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Premature Evaluation: 13/14 Salomon and Bonfire

With SIA rapidly approaching, have another two-fer for ya. Here’s what Salomon and Bonfire have been cooking up for 2013/14 across from Franz Bread factory in Portland.



This year’s Bonfire outerwear has gone past hip and straight to Redneck. Refusing to play into the game of high snowboard fashion, Bonfire brought their outerwear back to America’s roots.

The Outback Boot Pack


Finally, a snowboard backpack that will blend in with all the other rednecks on your cheap Southwest flight. You are twice as likely to grab someone else’s bag accidentally and end up with trashier luggage than yours.

Barrel Overall


Whether on hill, working the moonshine still, or marching your daughter’s boyfriend down the isle with a shotgun, the barrel pant revolutionizes classic denim overalls.

Belmont Jacket


The Belmont jacket is a work-wear inspired coat with a Sherpa collar for solid performance in the coldest and redneck-iest conditions. This collar could be used to warm you during snowmobiling, skeet-shooting, lighting shit on fire and/or ice-fishing.

Women’s Taylor Pant


The Bonfire woman’s line is keeping the “mom jeans” look alive. These pants come with a tramp stamp patch on the back, so you can let ’em know how you get down.

The Hudson Jacket


The water-resistant Hudson is more than just your average mid-layer utility. It’s a camo jacket that says to the local bar-cougar, “This guy hunts.” It’s not until you get her home that she discovers you are a piece of shit snowboarder, but by then she doesn’t care anymore, she’s in it for the sex.



I can only imagine the long line of sexual innuendoes going down at the Salomon office With almost every snowboard featuring a pointy nose and tail. “just the tip” jokes must flow like water. I wonder if they are hiring. I’m a sucker for office banter.

The Sick Stick



The Split-boards


Three Salomon favorites are now available as factory split boards. All come tuned with steel inside and outside edges, inserts for mounting touring brackets, durable custom fit Salomon climbing skins and Karakoram clips. The idea here is to divide and conquer.

The Assassin


Breeding snowboards can be a dangerous thing, and often times result in the birth of a retarded snowboard. The camber chart for this board looks like some sort of broken penis, but I have a feeling this board is the real deal.

Quantum Bindings


With a newer, stronger update to Shadow-fit technology, It’s only a matter of time until Salomon asks me to make them
<href=””>another rap-music video. Actually they will never want that.

Woman’s OH YEAH!


The name of this board is awesome, because when you are trying to think of it, your “oh ya” has nothing to do with the actual name of the snowboard.

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Comments (7)

  1. you guys must really be out of ideas for articles

  2. willy wonka makes shitty ass chocolate

  3. Where da salomonder at


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