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Real Snow 2013: The Lipton Report

Screen Shot 2013-01-08 at 12.27.48 PM

ESPN’s Real Snow is back with pretty much the same roster as last year, a video player that really hurts your eyes, the most embarrassing design work since the last Neff line and commercials for NFL shit, credit cards and more! All the good news aside, there are some dudes you all like trying to kill themselves on film for a cash purse and a mention during Shaun White’s winning X Games halfpipe run. Check out the videos, remember to remind yourself to vote at some point and read our reviews of each part as you wait weeks and weeks for the results!

Eero Ettala

Eero Ettala is so good it’s boring. He basically one ups every trick that stood out last year, does some other amazing stuff that’s bigger and smoother than should be possible and does it all with goggles strapped to his forehead. It’s like he got out of bed, got paid and went home.  It seriously doesn’t look like he tried at all. Watching this leaves you feeling icky inside.

Ethan Diess

Ol’ four-eyes, Ethan Deiss, has a sick intro. Then he does stuff that takes really thick thighs, like slamming between rails and brick walls like it’s what you’re supposed to do on a snowboard. Oh by the way, holy ollie ladies and gents. This part has more gaps then a whores smile, Burton should be stoked

Verdict: Ethan Deiss. Eero’s won enough shit this century.

Dan Brisse

Dan Brisse should fire his editor, that said, what the fuck is wrong with this guy. Every year he proves he’s the gnarliest dude ever, and every year he gets gnarlier. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this dude scares the living shit out of me.

Bode Merrill

Bode Merrill is one of the most talented men in snowboarding today, and the handplant halfway through this part will prove it. That said, prepare to have your mind blown by the last three shots of this part, including the rail drop that’s bigger than any cliff you’ve ever even considered hitting.

Verdict: Fuck it, one of them is bound to die by the Finals.

Jeremy Jones

Jeremy Jones is back again for some reason, but I’ve got to give it to him, he does keep doing different stuff. There’s a fence stall-bounce thing thats pretty rad, but a bunch of one-footers that I wish never happened.

Frank April

Frank April just happened all over my screen. I don’t know if it was the slow jams to the slow edit, or the fact that he’s a tech genius, but this ones pretty damn entertaining. Oh, and his banger is the coolest shit I’ve seen in a while. Get ready for Deja Vu, dudes.

Verdict: Frank April will take this round.

Louif Paradis

Louif Paradis is one of the best rail riders on earth. That’s a fact. What’s also true is that his 270s are disgusting in a good way. Check out the handplant slide a few times too. Everyone’s goal should be to learn how to do that this season.

Pat Moore

If you don’t like Pat Moore fuck you. Who will get him after Forum? Who knows (probably Burton). Anyway, the metal-loving bad boy risks his knees on every shot in this part and it’s awesome as usual. Pat Rules, that’s why he’s one of the biggest names in the game, the end.

Verdict: Pat Moore.

Go watch the actual videos here: http://xgames.espn.go.com/events/2013/aspen/real

Every word in this post-even those based on real people-are entirely fictional. The quotes might be bullshit too.
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