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A NYE special by A.L. Bartokwski
With the biggest party holiday of the year coming up — no, not MLK day, that’s just MY favorite — you have probably started to plan out your night for the first puke in the New Year.Â 2012 was such a big year and we have so much to celebrate. First, let’s go down the list.
Seriously, what isn’t there to celebrate?Â Well I’ll tell you one. Running out of booze! It can turn any amount of New Year merrimentÂ right into a greasy old lemon party, Â real quick.Â One minute you’re riding high on a wave of PBR-filled rage, and the next you are sipping wounded soldiers andÂ jerking off a 69-year-old man while a foxy Asian grandpa is giving you a reach around. How are you going to tell your friends?Â What will your mother think?Â Are you ever going to ever be able to squat out of a flat landing again without thinking there’s a set of crinkly old man thumbs lodged in your crap funnel? No you won’t.Â That’s why I’m here, to guide you in these rough formative high school years.Â I’ve been there and done that and let me tell you with a little preparation that last scenario will just be a sexy fantasy in my own mind.
A Prelude to Madness: To properly play this game, Bogart everybody else’s booze before even thinking about touching your own. Think of your alcoholic goodness as a last resort. When the well goes dry and you’re holding, instantly you’ll become the most interesting dude at the party. Chicks will be throwing themselves at your mercy for just one more sip. Men will kill for it, women will turn tricks for it…Oh great alcohol we are servant’s at your bidding.
The Back Pack: This is an oldie but it’s goddamn reliable. The trick to successfully pulling this one off is maintaining a level of authority over the stash. Â Everyone knows what’s in the bag but maintain your sexy and get your grown man on, this is the one time it’s ok to just say no. Watch out for scumbags trying to gank your stash. Place bullshit wine coolers and dildos in the top to hide the goods. If a thief does get a hold of one instantly humiliate them and draw everybody’s attention to their lack of masculinity. This also works in reverse for chicks — hook em up, they won’t forget.
The Upper Decker: Usually this applies to taking a shit on the top of a toilet tank. However in our application we are going to submerge our bounty into the tank itself. Contrary to popular belief the water in the top tank is quite clean. You can fit a fifth of whiskey very easily in its murky abyss. A couple cans of malt liquor too. The only drawback is if somebody actually does leave a steamer in the tank.
Litter Box: Yes I know, you are probably thinking, ‘this A.L. Bartokwski guy must be some sort of coprophagous aberration.’ I assure you the only one who will be eating shit will be your buzz if you keep that negative attitude and don’t heed my advice. The litter box is perfect. Who the fuck is going to go sticking their head in a shitbox? One person actually, you and smooth 12 pack of silver bullets.
The Recycling: At every good party house there will be a recycling bin. There will probably be a bunch of old 18 or 30 or 12 pack boxes all neatly stacked with cans. For this maneuver we are going to hide the prize right in plain sight. Just take your beers and place them on the bottom of the pile. Yeah, they might get a little sticky but you’re going to be pissy wissy pants hammered before you even get to those. The last thing on your mind is going to be getting a wee bit of sticky shit on your lips. Actually be careful I remember back in my party days taking many a leaks on the recycling pile. I also remember sleeping in the same piss. I guess it all balances out in the end, get some!
1. The Washing Machine: This is by far the best stash spot. First a washing machine is built to hold water and made out of a metal. Therefor it is a great conductor and can not only hold a liberal bounty of tasty beverages but it also is perfect for keeping them cold. Washing machines are giant coolers your mom never told you this because you’re dumb and she was always too busy cleaning the skid marks out of your undies. I’m here to make you smart and using a washing machine stash is smooth as hell. Say you’re talking to a hot chick and she says “oh I’d love another beer but the keg just ran out”. You take her into the laundry room open the lid and say “here ya go babe, let’s fucking do this!” Next thing you know you have your own personal magic fingers electro massage deluxe. Tell her to take a seat and let you and your new favorite cooler do the rest.
So kiddies there you have it. Listen to your old pal A.L. Bartokwski this New Year’s and the party will never end.