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- Resort Guide
Let’s face it, there are less reasons than ever to go to a ski resort – the never ending recession, global warming, the price of gas, lack of snow, you’re fat, you’re lazy, you suck, you’re getting older and the hill is a long ass drive from where you live. Yep, we feel your pain, brother. Yet, what if we told you a place existed – a world where nature, snowboarding, jib hits, poppers, face shots galore and rubbing titties all up in your face collided into one amazing mountain of love. Would you go? A majestic mountain with a bevy of nude hot broads, cool slopes and plenty of poles to grind on. Welcome to Stripper Mountain.
Stripper Mountain is a world like no other. A winter never-land for adult snow enthusiasts. A mountain where riders, strippers and the natural elements blend seamlessly in an orgy of intensity that would even make Shaun Palmer blush. We all can’t afford $800,000 on slope condos, but everyone can afford a good stripper. Strippers – much to our love and dismay, have a natural affinity towards snowboarding, snow in general and the dudes who love sliding sideways with reckless, stupid abandon. It’s a match made in heaven. Can you feel the fire in your loins?
Stripper Mountain is located in a western state with no state income tax, gets 500 inches of light, dry snow every year like clockwork and resides at a base elevation of 2,500 feet and the summit, Mount Silver Dollar Nipple, tops out at a whopping 8,300 feet. If you just said, “Holy Shit! That’s more vertical than Revelstoke!” You are indeed correct. That’s 5,800 feet of vertical rise. If that doesn’t get a vertical rise going in the deep dark recesses of your baselayers, well, hell, just wait till the strippers get their hands on you. 100 dollar blow jobs in no time!
There are many reasons for saying, “Fuck it! I am headed out to StripperMountain!” but below we break down a few ways Stripper Mountain really separates itself from the pack of the mundane, run of the mill, cookie ass cutter ski hills. Corn dogs and corn snow just ain’t cutting it anymore. It’s time to live the fantasy. The Stripper Mountain fantasy. Behold the spectacle!
This is usually the worst job at any resort, but not so at Stripper Mountain. This is your first experience at Stripper Mountain and we aim to please, right from the moment one of our stripper’s flags you down topless in a thong with a wand in her hand with tassels on it and tells you where to park it. Whether or not you opt for the valet service from one of our fine ladies, or just want to park your own piece of shit, we’ve got plenty to offer at Stripper Mountain even before you put on your decrepit old Northwave boots on and walk your pre-arthritic ass towards the slopes. Warm yourself to some European techno and motorboat some titties (for a fee of course!) in the parking lot champagne room. If motorboating titties isn’t your thing, kick back, have a nice cocoa and watch one of our lovely ladies wax your snowboard in her birthday suit.
The strip club buffet has always tasted like day old, sweaty balls. Resort food is bland and absurdly over priced. We will have none of that malarkey at StripperMountain. Instead, we will implement the strip club buffet of the future. Chicken Wings, Funyuns, Oyster’s, Poor Boy Sandwiches, Ganja Smoothies, In N Out Cheeseburgers, Pom Wonderful beverages, Mountain Dew and craft beers – this shit will flow plentifully around a circular shaped, moving bar, where hot babes will derobe and dance naked in the middle of all of this for you. Heck, they will dry hump your ass for a good deal before you head back out to the park to stomp some tricks in the park.
At Stripper Mountain the strippers will prime the ramp to a perfect consistency for your snowboard to glide across on, check your lift ticket with a smile, wipe down your chair, sometimes speed up and/or slow down the chair for Joey’s, all the while being topless, in a thong, with furry ass ugg boots on to her ankles practically, wearing one of those Russian style hats. Rain or shine. You’re riding powder at Stripper Mountain? Our strippers will greet you nude with a smile ready to assist your needs in boarding the chair lift and beyond.
Your jumps, rails, boxes and halfpipes all get groomed (the pipe will be hand shaped in the nude) by strippers who shovel your take offs clean and aren’t afraid to help you roll a blunt and/or spliff on the side or give you the best lap dance of your life for twenty bucks. Would you ever be bummed to have to wait an extra 5 minutes for a beautiful sweet stripper to shovel and salt a ramp for ya? A girl in a thong racking the ramp? Come to Stripper Mountain. Get ready to bump and grind!
Here’s where StripperÂ MountainÂ has them all beat – comprehensive one on one attention from not only a topless chick in a thong who rips, but who will bump and grind you on the chair lift, maybe let you play with her titties if you’re real lucky and will let you play ass grab all the way down Stripper Mountain’s first in the world and premiere one of a kind all nude bunny slope. Nude Chinese Downhill at 4PM? See ya there, dude!
Have you been to Amsterdam and seen the prostitutes in the windows? That’s pretty much the ticket booths at Stripper Mountain. Step right up and get ready for a day of blissful shredding and strippers galore. Relax, you’ve earned it. Try to tuck your boner away and get ready to shred your brains out, ya maniac.
Imagine being pursued by a bunch of naked hot babes, James Bond style, all on ski’s, holding Uzi’s, chasing you down a mogul field. That’s pretty much how badass Stripper MountainÂ Ski Patrol is, but minus the mogul fields and life threatening Uzi’s. That said, these stripper Ski Patrollers are hard, hot as shit, fully nude and ready to assist your sprains, concussions and compound fractures you receive while getting rad at Stripper Mountain. Sometimes shit happens, but just take a shot of Jaeger, lay back and let our hot babes jiggle their titties in your face and everything will be all good (if you have insurance).
Stripper Mountain team: (but not limited to and/or subject to change without notice): Boozy the clown, Stephen Duke, Kevin Backstrom, Zander Blackmon, Nate Bozung, Eiki Helgason, Halldor Helgason, Kevin Jones, Danny Kass, Scotty Lago, Tor Lundstrom, Shaun Palmer, Corey Smith, Shaun White
Stripper Mountain is available for : Bachelor parties, birthday parties, swingers, corporate retreats, youth groups and male nude revue (What? You thought we forgot about the ladies?)
Stripper Mountain needs your help, though! We’ve got many great resorts that are being run into the ground, sitting idle, sitting in a state of disrepair and/or run by a bunch of corporate douche bags who are ruining are sacred activity. There are resorts lying empty and barren across the land. The lifts aren’t spinning. We can change that. A Stripper Mountain in every state! The recession has left millions of beautiful strippers homeless and they need work and just want to shred, too. Our impoverished mountain communities need a reason to go on. The mountain towns are desperate for a sign of hope. Where should we build the next Stripper Mountain? One by one – one stripper, snowboarder, boyfriend of a stripper/snowboarder, dedicated Yobeat readers, Internet trolls, together we can make the world snowboard community a better place. We can build our Stripper Mountain. It’s just going to take a few more lap dances.