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It’s been a minute since Sean Blanco, the World’s First Perfect Snowboarderâ„¢, blew all of our collective minds. Thankfully he got together with his sponsors, Walgreens and Stride Gums or whoever, and released a quick edit about himself, naturally, being the first person to land the double alley-oop backside rodeo while simultaneously being the World’s First Perfect Snowboarderâ„¢. I guess this is somehow big news, because you know, double-corks and all. The edit is only a couple minutes long, but I ended up watching it like 30 times and just to deliver this breakdown.
This really is scholarly work.
0:06–I’m Juan Whyte, I’m awesomer.
0:09–“Hey guys, don’t forget about my skateboarding career.”
0:13–While huge, this method could look better.
0:18-38– You guys remember the year the XGames had the spoken word artists doing bumps before and after the commercials? One of those artist was Beau Sia, who I later saw open for Atmosphere, and he rapped into a shoe as though it was a phone. This is the lasting impact the XGames made on me.
0:43–You might want to check the uncut version of this piece. The actual transcript has Shaughn saying, “I expect a lot of myself and I’m a bit of a perfectionist…which is why my Stride Shown White Whitemint gums comes in a 14-pack. I told Stride we need to take these gums further. We couldn’t just stop at 13 pieces. We also have to give it a name that blows the customers’ minds. That’s why we called it Whitemint. I mean, have you ever had a Whitemint? No. Because it’s very rare mint. It might not even be real, but that’s what we wanted. Something that really just went further than reality, packed in to a piece of gums that comes in a 14-piece pack.”
0:44– The Who? Come on Shawn, nobody really likes The Who.
0:50–Okay, I would really like to have someone who just shows up to tune my boards. That’s pretty rad.
0:57– WHOA, costume change! The Shon Whyte line for Target is looking good for the Fall/Winter 2012 season.
1:06-10–I assume the coach yelling is the pipe jock version of the walkie-talkie squawk “Travis Rice, dropping” voice over in other movies.
1:19–Talking about half-assing and not fully committing should be seen in juxtaposition to Shaun White Supply Company products.
1:21-34–Coach talk. Nothing is more compelling to the shred community than coaches.
1:39–Failed attempt #1 (Man, I hope he can nail this move within his third attempt.)
1:46– Let’s turn to this 1970s-era James Bond villain for some motivation jibber jabber.
1:50–Failed attempt #2 (DANG, the pressure is on now)
1:52 Let’s kick it back to Brad Pitt on the set of a River Runs Through It. Last time he told us of the secrets to success, hopefully this time he’s going to tell us how to use them.
2:05-ish–Attempt #3. (Shit, will he do it?) More coach talk and then WILD SUCCESS! Shaun Whyte lands the first ever double alley-oop backside rodeo, the world of pipe jockery just went to a new extreme. FOURTEEN PIECES, MUTHAFUCKERS.
2:08-20 Viewers, in case you missed the importance of this event, which happened sometime in the passed couple of years, we’re going to turn up the dramatic music and show it over and over from several different angles. Then you should understand the importance of what you just witnessed for the first time ever in the history of dudes on snowboards.
2:25ish–I’m pretty sure Hansu is talking about his debacle in Nashville during this part.
2:33–Title card: Beyond Reason. Stride Gums.