Twitter Facebook Vimeo Youtube Instagram

The Death of Snowboarding

One day, with a tear in your eye you’ll whisper, “I used to do this on snow covered mountains.” p. Windells

Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana and New Mexico. With the exception of New Orleans these places don’t matter–except each experienced their hottest summer on record in 2011. More bad news. The 3,215 US high-temp records that were broken this June, mixed with the fact this May was the warmest ever on record and eight of the warmest years ever took place after 1998 kinda points to one thing, snowboarding is about to be old news.

Between 1928 and 2004 we developed color photography and a whole lot more lakes.

Not surprisingly a 2009 study found that most Americans, “…are not well-informed about climate change, nor are they highly concerned about or paying much attention to it.” That’s polite science talk for Americans are ignorant pampered little babies who don’t give a fuck and aren’t well educated. Which is true, just look at the comments on any Yobeat/Transworld/Snowboarder article. But, now that we can just admit most Americans, which means most snowboarders, are stupid, let’s ruin everyone’s mood by explain how fucked our situation really is.


Don’t worry, snowboarding will be around, just a little different.

 The Good:

Severe weather events. Yep, that’s the good news. A warmer world creates bigger storms, so while everything is falling to shit you’ll still be able to enjoy random and massive snowstorms. Eventually, we might even get lucky enough to have a Katrina sized snowstorm hit somewhere rad. In the meantime, I think you all know what these growing storms mean, film crews can finally hit some uncharted areas. Can’t wait for Videograss Vegas.

The Bad:

Everything else. From unstable snowpack to killing millions, snowboarders are going to quickly become as outcast as those who eat gold dust covered baby seal meat. Don’t believe me, suck it, here’s why.

As temperature continues to rise, snow will still fall, but it will melt faster. Also, more often than not summer will drench once protected glaciers with enough rain to dislodge much of the grit and grime that has held them in place for so long. Harken back to the landslide HWY 35 experienced a few years ago, the one that destroyed the highway leading to Mt. Hood Meadows. Many mountain roads are similar and you’ll be seeing more of this, so even if your hill has snow, you might not be able to make it there.


Yep, snowboarding’s going to be real fun once this shit starts poppin’ up.

Drought. Massive droughts have already begun to plague our cropland, and with so many stupid people breeding more and more humans these endangered lands will have to work overtime just to feed the population. Growing crops takes a lot of energy, and water. Water that we’ll bitch and moan about because guess what, as snowpack becomes faulty and resorts can’t safely operate they’ll rely more and more on snow guns to pad the hill. Guess who comes first, rich little white kids who want their fun activity to continue, or billions of starving mouths?

Northstar at Tahoe getting ready for winter 2019. Grooming and Park Crew will be reduced to one aging man.

Finally, scientists report on a lot of things but never really point a finger, ‘cuz, well they are pussies. So I’ll point the finger for them. Carbon emissions, lots of them, are creating a hotter climate. You know what doesn’t help cool the Earth down? All of you driving your cars to mountain, resorts running tons of equipment around the clock and an entire world fighting over the resources that it takes to do both.

Too much dumb science? Well let’s go back to Mt. Hood for a minute. Mt. Hood, where people love to shred in the summer is in jeopardy too. Not just from snow-pack accumulation, but from the nature of the glacier. Warmer air allows for warmer rains, and at higher altitudes too. That loose gravel and what not under the glaciers will create pockets leading to slipping ice formations, essentially breaking the glacier apart. Doubt summer camp is going to be popping off when little Johnny is falling to his death in one of the many cracks created by his Mommy’s minivan.

While this is hilarious and Dave England rules, you treating the world like a toilet isn’t.

Don’t worry though, as gas prices, water and food shortages begin to rise at exponential rates and the western world finally realizes the plight and total bullshit conditions of the rest of the world, everyone will enter very public cold wars and snowboarding will start to mean less and less to you as you hope and pray you don’t get vaporized by some nuke, starve to death because a vegetable costs $40 or catch one of a million tropical diseases that are slowly creeping northward as warmer climates allow them to flourish in new environments.

My advice, find a new hobby and go see The Dark Night Rises because it’s awesome.

 

 

Every word in this post-even those based on real people-are entirely fictional. The quotes might be bullshit too.
Email this author | All posts by

Similar posts

Comments (73)

  1. fuck me sideways and eat my ass jerm
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  2. why is jeff holce not in this post?
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  3. Still Thawing from the ice age.. Globally we had the coldest year since 2008, even though it is still above average temperatures. In my opinion Humans are to small of a being to control Earths life cycle, A cow farting gives off more carbon emission then the average car does in a day … look it up… Every living plant that provides life to humans lives off carbon monoxide. Either way if shit hits the fan i’m pumped I live in the middle and not the coast!
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  4. “While this is hilarious and Dave England rules, you treated the world like a toilet isn’t.”
    “Not surprisingly a 2009 study found that most American’s”
    “That’s polite science talk for American’s are ignorant PAPERED little babies who don’t give a fuck and aren’t well educated.”
    “water and food shortages begin to grow”

    CHRIST LEARN HOW TO CONSTRUCT A SENTENCE

    good job on making the last part 5 lines long but only one sentence. oh and semicolons are not just things you put between words to sound smart. PS fuck you

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  5. I don’t get outside of Canada, so I haven’t seen any affects of “global warming”. Sunshine Village which is about an hour from where I live had a record 30 meter snowfall this past year. I also make my living in the oil and gas industry so fuck you.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  6. Indoor hills. Problem solved.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  7. who even made that dry slope that looks so ghetto
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  8. i have a snowboard camp in my basement if any of you kids would like to sign up
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  9. fuck us right. its rained twice in illinois since may. no snow com in this year
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  10. “Every living plant that provides life to humans lives off carbon monoxide”

    what?

    didn’t know Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin were Yobeat commenters.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  11. Dry slopes look like the fucking worst thing ever
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  12. It is a good thing I live in Utah.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  13. The dry slope bails were the only good thing about this article.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  14. proof read your shit!
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  15. nick lipton is a perfect human being and does not contribute to climate change in any way.

    ^ the only thing i learned from this article.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  16. Do us a favor and stop writing trash articles and bring back diamond donny please Lipton. I really liked you then. Your last 4 or 5 articles however have been painful.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  17. At least this was more entertaining that any of those terrible Powder Daze cartoons.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  18. drink beer think later
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  19. Easy solution. Stop making so many babies.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  20. or smoke weed “and” think
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  21. Reading this article makes me sand in the pants :(
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  22. Or the sun could just blow up randomly since it’s a burning gas ball. What is this article trying to accomplish nick? making us less stoked? fag
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  23. “Go see the dark knight rises”? I hope you saw the premier in Aurora you ignant fuck.

    Too soon?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  24. the dark knight rises is awesome..
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  25. i live in virginia. ive grown up with ALLL that shit anyways
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  26. im so excited for my lifetime rape insurance in prison, they will fix my asshole tears for free
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  27. LAMMAR J FOR PRESIDENT
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  28. Remember in the 70s/80s when we were about to enter a new ice age… The earth runs in cycles. Go take a fucking weather course. Until the CO2 rates in the atmosphere reaches a critical point, quite far away, the earth is completely capable of repairing itself, whether we are here or not.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  29. hey i watched collapse too!
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  30. “Jerry Sandusky” I know the real Jerry Sandusky, and you, sir, are no Jerry Sandusky. Now would anyone like a Kit Kat?
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  31. Hey that was possibly the realest article ever on Yobeat. Thinking this has some connection to the McKibben Rolling Stone article?
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  32. 1) Climate change is a bitch.

    2) Lipton needs a lesson or two in grammar and punctuation. Sentence construction matters when you are writing about a serious topic.

    3) While the earth certainly goes through natural temperature changes (@Ebuzz), it is a fairly new phenomenon that humans have thrown their (our) hats in the ring. No longer are the cycles of temperature change wholly natural. We are having a negative impact- and we suck for it.

    4) After reading the comments on this, and other Yobeat articles, I know we are fucked- because people ARE retarded.

    5) Shred is my life- and the human impact on climate is depressing as shit. And if you can’t be serious for two seconds about something real, then go eat a dick….because you are the problem. Fuck off.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  33. @MFYG

    Its called photosynthesis sir and last time I checked it occurs regardless of ignorant politics or lack of science knowledge. Don’t even act like you wouldn’t toss it in Palin, unless your on the 2012 flame boat looking for a spark

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  34. ^ Wow. It’s carbon DIOXIDE, not monoxide. And if you think photosynthesis is summed up by saying plants “live off of” carbon dioxide, you are profoundly stupid.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  35. I stand corrected, yes I ment dioxide and I was merely trying to state that it is needed for the process. Chill out chief
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  36. Haha, I knew snowboarders were dumb, but denying global warming?? Are you guys into creationism too?
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  37. Chlorophyll? Sounds more like boreaphyll !
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  38. @ vegetarian horse. didn’t you know that Jesus rode dinosaurs?
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  39. Bikecar. Parker is Captain Planet. Wittlake and Fountain for Prez 2012. Punch Co2 right in the facehole.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  40. You guys are awesome.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  41. I dont give a fuck and I’m not well educated.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  42. Jesus only rode dinosaurs until king leonitus destroyed them all
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  43. HEY YOBEAT FANS!
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  44. EVERYBODY PLEASE CHECK OUT MY NEW SINGLE THE RAP GAME NEEDS THIS!!!

    JUST TYPE……”3PAC- i’M sWAGGIN” ON YOUTUBE

    !!!!!!!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  45. marijuana smoke adds some serious CFCs to the atmosphere, don’t smoke kids
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  46. ^ Shut the fuck up
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  47. When a snowboarder replies, “shut up, fag” to a post about global warming, a republican somewhere immediately gets a boner with a little American flag flying on it. At first he’s like, “Whoa ho ho, what’s this?!” but then he remembers cutting education funding and high fives the boner.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  48. 3pac- I’m Swaggin #6 on iTunes
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  49. YOUTUBE DOT COM search 3pac- i’m winning new single
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  50. When you call people out for grammar and sentence structure what you’re actually saying is “I dont have anything pertinent or funny to add to this post”. Just save your time. Go read a book and jerk off to proper nouns.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  51. Batman dies.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  52. This ‘article’ just brings everyone down. Spread positive vibes and propose ways for us to change our day->day to live more sustainable. I think that may have been a better take than: “We’re fucked, take up a new hobby. Like blogging…….?”

    Gus Engle’s interview was dope though.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  53. jerm is like an old horse, do we take him out back and put him down? or do we just let him struggle until his legs go out from underneath him and he’s face down in the mud shitting himself
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  54. I travel to places in my private jet and give speeches on polluting CO2 emissions for a lot of money and spend that money on fancy cars and my huge houses all over the world.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  55. Uhnnnn son just offset all my carbon emissions staying green sonnnnnnn uhnnnnnnnnn
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  56. !

    !!!

    !

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  57. July 11, 2012 — “Tree-rings prove climate was WARMER in Roman and Medieval times than it is now – and world has been cooling for 2,000 years”

    Pick up a newspaper ignorant hippy.

    No one likes a fear mongerer.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  58. ^ Quoted from “Neo Conservative Christian Republican Propaganda Weekly.”

    Try quoting something from a scholarly source…..or at the very least, name your sources. Those of us with functioning brains would be curious to know what anti-science folks enjoy reading.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  59. im not going to drive, poop, or jack off anymore. will that stop global warming nick lipton??
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  60. @the facts.

    There are a multitude of sources but it was first released by Daily Mail, one of the UK’s most popular daily newspapers you ignorant hippy.

    most people with a functioning brain would understand that the quotes around the headline means it is verbatim to the news source, copy and paste it into Google, and find the article on their own before running their mouth. Try and keep up, dumb ass.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  61. i’m so much dumber from reading this article.

    and somehow even more dumb from reading these comments.

    we’re all gonna die. just dont fuck it up for my great grandkid’s grandkids.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  62. too soon? ok.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  63. I’m glad this was posted. It is a shame, though, when entitled people take shelter in their own ignorance believing that they will never see the repercussions of their world’s collective actions.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  64. too bad we’re all gonna die on december 21st this year. joke’s on you motherfuckers…

    and snowboarding sucks

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  65. @upstatemike, you didnt have much to work with before. you probably shouldnt have take the risk of losing any intelligence and just by passed this article. youre officially retarded now. well done.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  66. If yobeat is ssssso concerned with carbon emissions, then it is time to shut down it’s site. It takes electricity to run the internet and it’s websites, and coal burning power plants are a major contributor to the electricity used to do so. Coal burning power plants are also a much bigger contributor to carbon emissions that your mom’s minivan. So if you are truly concerned with global warming, shut down your site with a closed sign that reads, “Hanging out with my ‘FRIENDS’ in person, not facebook, will be back never.” And forget seeing the Dark Knights Rises, that electricity too smart guy.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  67. What snowboarders need to do is build a bunch of huge fucking parks with high-speed lift access. So good for the planet. Also rich little white kids who want their fun activity to continue will win out over billions of starving mouths every time. How rad is that?
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  68. this is dumb dude. why did you even write this article you clearly have shit for education on this haha. stick to snowboard articles captain planet
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  69. id like weed commercials better than freeboard shid
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  70. when i first saw “death of snowboarding” i thought you were referring to the fucking troglodytes some of us educated folk have to share the slopes/comment sections with. so many of them are representing hard, here.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  71. FREEBORD ACTUALLY HAS SOME GNARLY SHIT NOT JUST THE GAY AD
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  72. LETS SEE U GO 100 MPH ON LONGBOARD YOU ROOB
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>


TOP