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The Death of Snowboarding

One day, with a tear in your eye you’ll whisper, “I used to do this on snow covered mountains.” p. Windells

Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana and New Mexico. With the exception of New Orleans these places don’t matter–except each experienced their hottest summer on record in 2011. More bad news. The 3,215 US high-temp records that were broken this June, mixed with the fact this May was the warmest ever on record and eight of the warmest years ever took place after 1998 kinda points to one thing, snowboarding is about to be old news.

Between 1928 and 2004 we developed color photography and a whole lot more lakes.

Not surprisingly a 2009 study found that most Americans, “…are not well-informed about climate change, nor are they highly concerned about or paying much attention to it.” That’s polite science talk for Americans are ignorant pampered little babies who don’t give a fuck and aren’t well educated. Which is true, just look at the comments on any Yobeat/Transworld/Snowboarder article. But, now that we can just admit most Americans, which means most snowboarders, are stupid, let’s ruin everyone’s mood by explain how fucked our situation really is.


Don’t worry, snowboarding will be around, just a little different.

 The Good:

Severe weather events. Yep, that’s the good news. A warmer world creates bigger storms, so while everything is falling to shit you’ll still be able to enjoy random and massive snowstorms. Eventually, we might even get lucky enough to have a Katrina sized snowstorm hit somewhere rad. In the meantime, I think you all know what these growing storms mean, film crews can finally hit some uncharted areas. Can’t wait for Videograss Vegas.

The Bad:

Everything else. From unstable snowpack to killing millions, snowboarders are going to quickly become as outcast as those who eat gold dust covered baby seal meat. Don’t believe me, suck it, here’s why.

As temperature continues to rise, snow will still fall, but it will melt faster. Also, more often than not summer will drench once protected glaciers with enough rain to dislodge much of the grit and grime that has held them in place for so long. Harken back to the landslide HWY 35 experienced a few years ago, the one that destroyed the highway leading to Mt. Hood Meadows. Many mountain roads are similar and you’ll be seeing more of this, so even if your hill has snow, you might not be able to make it there.


Yep, snowboarding’s going to be real fun once this shit starts poppin’ up.

Drought. Massive droughts have already begun to plague our cropland, and with so many stupid people breeding more and more humans these endangered lands will have to work overtime just to feed the population. Growing crops takes a lot of energy, and water. Water that we’ll bitch and moan about because guess what, as snowpack becomes faulty and resorts can’t safely operate they’ll rely more and more on snow guns to pad the hill. Guess who comes first, rich little white kids who want their fun activity to continue, or billions of starving mouths?

Northstar at Tahoe getting ready for winter 2019. Grooming and Park Crew will be reduced to one aging man.

Finally, scientists report on a lot of things but never really point a finger, ‘cuz, well they are pussies. So I’ll point the finger for them. Carbon emissions, lots of them, are creating a hotter climate. You know what doesn’t help cool the Earth down? All of you driving your cars to mountain, resorts running tons of equipment around the clock and an entire world fighting over the resources that it takes to do both.

Too much dumb science? Well let’s go back to Mt. Hood for a minute. Mt. Hood, where people love to shred in the summer is in jeopardy too. Not just from snow-pack accumulation, but from the nature of the glacier. Warmer air allows for warmer rains, and at higher altitudes too. That loose gravel and what not under the glaciers will create pockets leading to slipping ice formations, essentially breaking the glacier apart. Doubt summer camp is going to be popping off when little Johnny is falling to his death in one of the many cracks created by his Mommy’s minivan.

While this is hilarious and Dave England rules, you treating the world like a toilet isn’t.

Don’t worry though, as gas prices, water and food shortages begin to rise at exponential rates and the western world finally realizes the plight and total bullshit conditions of the rest of the world, everyone will enter very public cold wars and snowboarding will start to mean less and less to you as you hope and pray you don’t get vaporized by some nuke, starve to death because a vegetable costs $40 or catch one of a million tropical diseases that are slowly creeping northward as warmer climates allow them to flourish in new environments.

My advice, find a new hobby and go see The Dark Night Rises because it’s awesome.

 

 

Every word in this post-even those based on real people-are entirely fictional. The quotes might be bullshit too.
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Comments (73)

  1. when i first saw “death of snowboarding” i thought you were referring to the fucking troglodytes some of us educated folk have to share the slopes/comment sections with. so many of them are representing hard, here.

     
  2. FREEBORD ACTUALLY HAS SOME GNARLY SHIT NOT JUST THE GAY AD

     
  3. LETS SEE U GO 100 MPH ON LONGBOARD YOU ROOB

     
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