Special guest post by BroBomb.com‘s Ryan Dunfee
First off, I’m a motherfucking SKIER, kids. Now before you start lighting up the comment boards as if Shaun White were chosen to judge the 2014 Olympics, keep in mind that I’m an authority on snowboarding because I’ve been watching it closely since your ancestors were throwing snowballs at me while I hit the halfpipe on mogul skis. Not to mention that until Saga was founded, we were wearing all your clothes (but now you’re starting to wear ours, suckas!)
Now I’ve had a lot of time to follow both skiing and snowboarding over the course of my young adult life, and as such have been able to ascertain what many are familiar with as the Golden Rule of Trends:
As such, it is only a matter of analyzing data to predict the future trends of this dear sport of snowboarding. Here are a few things you can look forward to in 2013 according to my calculations:
1) Snowboarding Will Still Exist
Yes, despite the apocalyptically dismal season of 2012 for us normal plebes (the pros were all killing it in AK), the world will not end in a ball of flames after you’ve had your first few days on snow next December. So you’ve got that to look forward to.
2) Snowboarding in Shorts
Snowboarders have been two years behind mimicking skateboarding’s trends for eons now, and as evidenced by their adoption of seasonally inappropriate outerwear (jeans, no gloves, baseball caps, and corduroy or flannel for a jacket), they are keeping right on schedule. So it should be no surprise that shorts will be trending hard next season. Shorts offer all the benefits of pretending you’re skateboarding without any of the practical requirements of normal snowboard gear, like warmth and protection from freezing elements. Just how you guys like it.
3) Skitching Is the New Close-Out Rail
As the Africans show us, skitching can get totally extreme real quick.
Snowboarders have been taking to the “streets” for years now, although in truth they’re mostly taking to the areas immediately adjacent to said streets. However, in 2013 snowboarding will actually take place on the streets. With progression in the mountains stagnating due to the tricks reaching the limits of human physiology, skitching — the act of holding onto a vehicle bumper on a skateboard to get dangerously whisked down the street — offers unlimited progression. It incorporates all of your favorite elements of snowboarding, like reckless self-endangerment, breaking of laws, and playing make-believe skateboarding. While skitching, the dangers are multiplied — you could hit a dry spot of pavement, catch an edge and get run over by the car behind you, catch your tip on the wheel of the car you’re skitching, get T-boned — the possibilities are endless! And contrary to all current urban snowboarding, this kind offers the utility of getting you somewhere, notably to the mountain for free.
4) Snowboarding Slang Dominated by Anxiety
In 2012, snowboarding slang primarily evolved around terms like “greasy” and “firey.” However, with the 2012 Olympics quickly approaching, snowboarding’s collective anxiety will be at an all-time high. Slopestyle’s current creativity is due to be destroyed when the slopestyle comp gets moved to the aerialist jumps, and all the judges, in an effort to save money, are brought over from curling. With as much worrying going on as there will be in 2013, the homies will be giving you fist pounds for totally stomping that “totally fretful back 7” or that “antsy front board.”
5) Clamdigging New Hot Post-Shred Activity
Surfing, skateboarding, fly-fishing, and hunting have all had their place as the coolest post-shred activity for pros to partake in. But with how hard being greasy is trending these days, there are few activities that make snowboarders dirtier than sweating on a glacier for days on end in flannel and never showering. However, clam-digging offers the possibility of getting even dirtier by making you walk out in brackish, stinky mud to dig up shellfish — you pretty much have to end up disgusting. Count on the Yawgoons, as both snowboarding’s hottest crew and the only one close enough to the ocean to be able to clam-dig post-shred, make clam-digging super cool. Kids no longer move to Utah after college to shred, but instead flock to tiny New England hills within twenty minutes of the coast. Poler launches a new brand called “Acuatiq” that sells hipster clamming waders and rubber gloves that are spotted on all the cool advertising people in Portland as they leave Fred Meyer with their kids.