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A Beefy Hump Day with Jess Kimura

All photos: Alex Mertz

Born in Canada and raised on bags of cement and punishment, Jess Kimura has paved her own way into the snowboarding spotlight. From earning her spot with Capita Snowboards to filming one of the heaviest female video-parts ever in the last ThinkThank flick, Jess has bulldozed her way from a local nobody into the new face of female progression. Oh, and she loves snowboarding more than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s totally girly.

You were crowned Yobeat’s 2010 Female Rider of the Year, how does that make you feel? Do you care at all?

Of course I care. Didn’t people have to vote for that? I showed my mom yesterday.

Your video-part in Left Brain/Right Brain sparked rumors that you are in fact a man, would you take a gender exam if asked?

Like, just a show and go? Um, yes. Depends who asks though.

Who is qualified for a show and go?

Someone whose interest is purely to find out whether or not I’m a woman. Can’t I just pee on a stick to prove it though? Isn’t this the 2000s?

Number of times you thought you were gay?

Zero, I love the cock. But, I’ll only say it once.

Would you admit to having a boyfriend?

Maybe. I have a boy roommate. I don’t like to talk about that shit too much because I don’t want dudes to look at me like that.

Look at you like what?

I dunno, like I’m bang-able. Like someone out there banging me.

You don’t want to be seen as a sex object?

Hell no. As soon as you throw your pussy in the mix, you are never going to be taken as seriously as if you just kept things professional. I’m not here to bang my way up the ladder.

At home. Doing front boards and in Vernon, BC. Photo: Mertz

Why is your mom yelling at you, and do you think she’ll like your interview?

Because I farted on her leather couch, and I’m not sure but I hope she likes my interview.

She’s upset that you farted?

It was loud and interrupted her dinner.

What does your mom think of your chosen profession, tattoos and foul mouth?

I’m gonna ask her right now. She says she is happy that I am living my dream, my tattoos are who I am, and my foul mouth is who I am trying to be.

What tattoos do you have?

I only have two. They are two Hindu goddesses that each represent different things. On the left, creativity, arts, music. On the right is one named Kali. She is depicted holding a severed head of some dude and drinking his blood, wearing a necklace of severed heads and a skirt of severed arms. So her deal is this:  people look at her and they are like, “Fuck that gnarly satanic looking bitch.” but what she is really about is protection, guidance, courage. All the things that people don’t see if they just look at her surface

So, Jess Kimura is a gnarly bitch who drinks blood and kills people but is really just the helping hand of inspiration and courage?

(Laughs) Yeah, I guess you can say that, and for the record, I don’t drink blood. I’ve probably drank more piss than blood in my lifetime. Wait don’t put that.

I hear you used to crash a lot, and all of a sudden you went from kook to killer.

I still get wrecked. It wasn’t like I was out there trying to die all the time. It just came with the territory. I was trying to find the limits, of what girls could do on a snowboard. In the process, I got slapped around a bit, ok maybe a lot. I’ve always told myself that I’m a tank. That I can handle it ‘cause I’m not a skinny little model bitch. I tell girls to eat french fries so they can stay beefy enough to handle those falls. Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I’m doing, I feel sorry for my body a lot, but I always bounce back. I’m lucky, I’m a beefy one.

Got any good slam stories?

Ok, the first one that comes to mind is when I overshot a jump and landed on my face so hard that my ribs caved in and lacerated my liver. I was in the hospital for a long time after that and almost bled to death internally, but like I said, I bounced back, moved to whistler a few months later and now I’m livin’ the dream. The next one, maybe when I had two broken arms in california and then I blew my PCL skating at the mammoth brothers park. I couldn’t use crutches thanks to my broken arms so I made the journey back to Canada in a wheelchair. Ever tried to take a wheelchair onto a plane? Not super fun, and pretty embarrassing. I must have looked like i got owned trying to jerk off an elephant or something, people were staring.

Alaskan 5-0. Photo: Mertz

Who is Dykeboy?

She’s my best friend since grade seven, life partner, filmer, photographer, shred bro to the max. We grew up shredding together, we have based our lives around snowboarding and skateboarding and being beefy bitches. She spent the Summer as a moose hunting guide in the Yukon. Gutting and hauling around moose carcasses. She’s way gnarlier than I’ll ever be–just for the record.

What’s the largest animal you’ve ever killed?

This is going to sound pussy, maybe a fish or a groundhog?

What are the advantages of being a beefy bitch?

Being a beefy bitch means you can get up and try again. Dudes probably won’t dig you but that’s ok because you have less distractions when you are doing your beefy activities. It means the hoochy clothes look dumb on you anyways so you can save money and wear sweatpants. It means you can open your own pickle jars.

And what are the disadvantages of being a beefy bitch?

There are no disadvantages to being a beefy bitch, unless you are a shallow bitch, in which case you should start throwing up after meals to lose the beef along with the human substance that came with it. But I will also say that you don’t have to be physically beefy to perform beefy. You can be beefy in the mind. Desiree Melancon; beefy in the mind, not in the butt.

What does it take to be a “beefy bitch” in your eyes?

Just don’t quit, don’t diet, and don’t ever use being a girl as an excuse.

How did you end up on CAPiTA, are you stoked?

CAPiTA is my heart, soul and the fuel that keeps my fire burning. I got to a point that things were looking rough for me, shred career wise. A fellow named Mikey Scott was the Capita sales manager for Canada at the time. I asked him if he’d give me a board and a chance and he said hell yea. I took that board and shredded the shit out of it. He told Blue (Capita Owner) about me and I got to meet him in Whistler. Blue gave me another board and another chance to show him  what I can do. I’m not one to waste a good opportunity.  He gave me the chance of a lifetime to film with the ThinkThank dudes. I mean, would we even be talking right now if I didn’t get to film that video part? Probably not. I’d probably be sitting in Canada eating potato chips and trying on dresses.

Mammoth method. Photo: Mertz

Speaking of that video part, you sorta blew minds, and your backtail really took the boys by surprise. Where did all that wow factor come from?

The huge struggle I went through to get to that point. I got shot down so many times in so many ways in snowboarding. People thought I was a joke. I was told not to quit my day job. They thought all I was good at was falling, and that’s probably what motivated me so much to make sure that shit exploded in their faces. And, I could see what the rest of my life was going to be like if I didn’t make something happen.

What did you see?

Doing masonry with 40-year-old dudes, working on job sites with people whose weekly highlight is to rip ass in front of middle aged tradesmen. Construction, labor, you know, beefy bitch stuff.

Have you ever beat up a boy? Or girl?

Yea both, but I’m not all proud of that shit.

Whatever, let’s hear a story.

I’ll tell you about a time I got the shit kicked out of me by a bunch of dudes. Since then, I haven’t gotten in any fights. There was a straight edge hardcore show in town, we shouldn’t have been hanging out in the parking lot, but were for some reason. Some girl we knew was drinking at their straight edge show, they had her in a headlock and were whipping her around, we were like, “Wow buddy, back off.” And all of a sudden we got jumped by like, five or six dudes. I remember being on the ground getting hammered on and some dude kicked me in the side of the head and fucked up my jaw. It still clicks when I try to fit big things in it.

Well, that’s totally fucked. What’s your favorite food?

I really like poutine, it reminds me of snowboarding. All the resort cafeterias have poutine in Canada. It was a staple of growing up while shredding with Dykeboy.

Man shit. Photo: Mertz

Where did your attitude come from? Was it where you’re from or did something happened to you as a child?

I think I had some pretty good role models in my life. Sure, half of them were in jail or unemployed, but I was always surrounded by older dudes who had my back and taught me how to charge through life. I grew up at the skatepark in downtown Vernon and there was always gnarly shit going on there. Lots of drugs and crime. I’m not trying to say I’m hard and shit, but I saw a lot of things when I was younger that showed me what life is really about. I made a lot of mistakes, sure, but learned from them so I wouldn’t come up empty handed.

What can we expect next from Jess Kimura?

You can expect that I won’t stop here. I will keep on fighting for the little guy (or girl). I want to keep the random shredders out there saying, “Fuck yes, finally.” I want to keep snowboarding bad ass and cool and make my decisions with that in mind. I want to do shit on my snowboard that makes peoples brains explode and dicks shrink back into their body. I want to remind people to stay real and be yourself. As far as my riding goes, fuck dude you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

Sponsors.

CAPiTA, Volcom, Union, Nike, Coal, Electric and Monster

Every word in this post-even those based on real people-are entirely fictional. The quotes might be bullshit too.
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Comments (45)

  1. Jess is an OG, straight up the most official…. big ups jess!

     
  2. yeah jess. you go girl!

    such an inspiration to young girls!

    love your attitude!

     
  3. Jess is one of the hardest working, dedicated, insanely talented snowboarders I know. Looking forward to seeing what you’re going to do next, and congrats on your Rider’s Poll Awards! You earned it!!!!! Best interview ever by the way!

     
  4. I got the chance to see Jess ride last winter firsthand and I was impressed. It’s rare to see that kind of determination in anyone these days.
    To all the haters saying she falls too much, I have news for you…if you’re not falling, you’re not learning. There were other people on the shoot who cruised and didn’t fall, but they didn’t get any shots either. Jess pushes herself to try things and is progression incarnate. Deal with it.
    Congrats on the awards Jess and can’t wait to see what you come up with for your next video part.

     
  5. You’re a beefy bitch, I’m a beefy bitch. I also love the cock. Let’s smash beers and go ride.

     
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