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CNN Has Nothing Better to Cover than Shaun White

It’s hard to fill every hour of every day with real news. I mean, there’s only so many different ways you can say “job killing health care bill” before people get bored. But CNN managed to kill 10 minutes of today with this Shaun White biopic. For more on this breaking story, we turn to our official Shaun White correspondent, Shaun Blanco.

HOOO! Looks who’s back in the news. It’s The Flying Tomato. Hey everybody it’s Shaun White. And here’s part of the story you’ve never heard… Get it on CNN: Revealed.

I’m trying to wrap my mind around why Shaun White: Revealed is on CNN right now. Getting stoked for those FIS contests I suppose. But there are some Gems in here, like when he mentions that a lot of people can’t handle the crowd expecting new things from them. He should have just said, “yeah a lot of people can’t handle being me, I’m pretty amazing. I mean look at the way Kevin Pearce crumbled under pressure.”

Don’t feel committed to watching this, I took the time to do so and pulled the highlights for you.

Things you’re going to see in this hackumentary:
– Shaun White talking about how awesome his life is
– Shaun’s brother Jessie talking about how awesome Shaun is
– Jake Burton talking about how riders are pushing the sport
– Shaun talking about how awesome Burton is
– Jake talking about how Shaun is pushing the sport more than any other rider.
– Shaun will admit that snowboarding is not fun for him
– Jake will conveniently not mention the “if it’s not fun, why do it?” messaging
– Shaun will talk about being driven by contests
– Jessie will talk about Shaun being driven by contest
– Bud Keene will try to fulfill his role as the Phil Jackson of snowboarding
– A shot of a Gnu snowboard?
– Shaun will claim he knows how to read

A couple other key items to mention are the British accent of the narrator to give the show some more clout, or to possibly make you think CNN is real news like the BBC. You’ll also see Transworld’s editor-at-large opening her mouth like it even matters.

In fact, this whole program reminded me of a Transworld article. All the footage was provided by sponsors and advertisers, The “editorial” is provided by someone nobody even knows, all claims are ridiculous, all the riders input is strictly worthless sound bites we’ve heard a million times before, and they call it important.

Be sure to drink some Red Bull, buy some Oakleys, ride Burton, and watch the video here.

More dead.
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Comments (33)

  1. @ Jimbo .. I’ll keep snowboarding. You keep commenting as much as possible.

  2. It wasn’t a sport before shaun white started doing it? they’re taking credit for making snowboarding a sport? fuck shaun white and his douche of a brother.

  3. He’s a fucking tool and I would punch him in the nose and then let my pet gorilla butt rape him..