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By Patrick Wieland
Thanks to the Internet, people can now comment on anything, mere seconds after it appears. As a frequent poster of online stories and videos, I used to spend nights crying myself to sleep over anonymous internet hate, but have since noticed a pattern in these comments. There are only so many types, and surely if you’ve ever clicked the submit button on this website or any other, you fall into one of these distinct categories.
#1. Totally STOKED Bro!
The Totally STOKED Bro! is just stoked on anything that is posted online and loves to share the stoke with the world. He doesn’t complain and always gives props to the riders, videographers, bloggers, you name it.Â Be sure to look for plenty of emoticons and of course, a real name when identifying this commenter.
#2. The Industry Dude!
The Industry Dude could technically be someone in the know, but more likely he is just a kid who knows someone, or a frequent reader of blogs and message boards. When questions arise about important industry matters, such as sponsor changes, he’ll be sure to drop a name and let you know the truth.Â Of course, the truth is relative, and a lot more reliable if easily found with a Google search.
#3. The Relentless Hater!
The Relentless Hater is never going to stop. He is going to hate ‘til he dies, or the world ends in 2012, whichever comes first. This commenter’s hate is usually reserved for one person of thing, so the hate doesn’t lose its relevancy by getting spread around. This hater also does not disguise his identity because hating is cool!
#4. The Anonymous Hater!
The Anonymous hater might be sitting right next to you. He might even be your friend in real life. The only thing for sure is he is too big of a pussy to post his real name. Oh, and he probably thinks he’s funny.
#5. The Pro Filmer/Photographer Commenter!
This commenter likes to critique everyone’s work.Â He likes to say how he would have shot that picture or maybe that edited that video better. Of course, having the actual skills to back up the talk is not required for this type of commenting,
#6. The Soul Commenter!
Recognizable by his amazing self-righteousness, the Soul Commenter is a simple dude who has been snowboarding forever (like at least two years.) He feels like the media is making snowboarding look weak. He is so core that no one else could ever hope to touch his coreness, so we should all stop trying.
#7. The Savvy Commenter!
The Savvy Commenter is smart and totally knows that he is being watched. He also gets that shitty comments rile people up, so he does it for sport. While he’ll use any number of anonymous handles in public, he always makes it clear to the web master exactly who he is. Doesn’t really matter, as he is SO SUCCESSFUL in life, he doesn’t need friends on the Internet.
#8. The Pro Rider’s Girlfriend Commenter!
This girl is great because no matter what, she stands by her man! She will defend him if someone hates. She is not scared to tell people they are idiots or that they suck. She doesn’t usually get the joke, but she’s gonna tell you it sucks anyway.
#9. The “Simpsons Did It” Commenter!
These kids (and note they are all under 15) love to post comments such as FIRST! or “Simpsons did it!” Their posts have no real meaning other then marking their place in time on the table of comments. These comments are quickly overlooked and have no bearing on the direction comment string, but sometimes people will follow in their path claiming: SECOND! or THIRD!
#10. The Capitalizing Commenter!
The Capitalizing Commenter is only posting to either link to their shitty website or to try to push something they’re doing. Maybe they tell you that already posted that video or sweet picture on their website. Whatever it is, they just want leech hits. It’s all about the hits.
Now of course, you probably have something to add to this list. After all, you’d never comment in a way that could be classified so simply in this stupid list. Luckily, that’s what the comments are for, so go nuts! Think of it as your small contribution to the sport of snowboarding. *
*This happens in other stuff too, we just happen to be a snowboard website.