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10 Ways to Make Snowboarding Rad Again


Snowboarding is fucking weak. Seriously, in the hierarchy of radness, snowboarders are just above ultimate fighters and just below NASCAR drivers. There was a time when snowboarding knelt before no one (except skateboarding and surfing, obviously. And street luge). Reputable companies like Totino’s wouldn’t get anywhere near snowboarders. Only Juicy Fruit gum had those kinds of nuts. But really wasn’t it better back then? In an effort to regain some of the edge I’ve come up with 10 easy ways to get snowboarding back on the badass side of cool.

1.  Every time you get on a chairlift with a stranger wearing skis, drop the phrase “I mean it’s not like she’s really pregnant. She can have a couple beers.”

2.  Launch a grassroots anti-helmet campaign targeting tweens and their totally gay parents.

3.   Fashion smoking. Fashion drinking. Fashion getting your underage daughter drunk and taking advantage of her on the school ski club outing.

4.   Handguns

5.   Commission Sean Cliver to illustrate a children’s board line.

6.   To build on its fear-based branding, CAPiTA releases the Middle America series featuring the Flag Burner 151, Planned Parenthood 155 and Tower Bomber 160.

7.   Roxy hires Roman Polanski to direct the next team video.

8.  Take up active littering. Don’t act like you dropped that beer can or that cigarette. Be proud, son.

9.   Shaun White: Gator II

10.  Following his mild success on Dancing With the Stars, Louie Vito starts tap dancing as a warm up and chooses to ride the Olympic qualifiers in blackface.

More dead.
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Comments (30)

  1. Jimbo, I was well aware of the Rome and Capita boards, but I’m sure the text of ‘nude girls’ isn’t nearly as offensive/awesome as the real thing, regardless of whether or not it showed nipples. What are we, the MPAA? Did it piss people off? Yes. Did the Rome and Capita boards get an angry mob denouncing them? No.

  2. “because anytime anyone has ever written on a website or spoken the phrase “fuck cops”…cops probably dont look at it or hear it, cus no one says that to a cops face.”

    ..NWA is gonna be pisssed

  3. how many aliases you got rumorator holyshitwtf

  4. I can’t speak for the writer but it is my take that he did not mean for everyone to go out and do these things exactly par say. It is getting the point across that snowboarding is not how it used to be and we might have to resort to extreme measures such as these. Snowboarding has become shaun white. Lame. The image of snowboarders has become less interesting and more soulless like gingers. I don’t know if snowboarding will ever get what it had back but for now it is a fact that someone awesome needs to come along and fuck up shaun white and bring back badass. Maybe not have sex with underaged sluts and destroy the planet but I believe that is close enough.

  5. sorry but snowboarding wont ever be “RAD” again. cardiel left and the gonz never started.

  6. this is fucking stupid, handguns are fucking rad though.

  7. asdf;lkj is fucking stupid, handguns are rad for that reason

  8. whoa dude thx for sharing, ill def be back.. thx again!

  9. i thin that Roman Polanski should not only be jailed but he should be hanged ”