Snowboarding is fucking weak. Seriously, in the hierarchy of radness, snowboarders are just above ultimate fighters and just below NASCAR drivers. There was a time when snowboarding knelt before no one (except skateboarding and surfing, obviously. And street luge). Reputable companies like Totino’s wouldn’t get anywhere near snowboarders. Only Juicy Fruit gum had those kinds of nuts. But really wasn’t it better back then? In an effort to regain some of the edge I’ve come up with 10 easy ways to get snowboarding back on the badass side of cool.
1.Â Every time you get on a chairlift with a stranger wearing skis, drop the phrase “I mean it’s not like she’s really pregnant. She can have a couple beers.”
2.Â Launch a grassroots anti-helmet campaign targeting tweens and their totally gay parents.
3. Â Fashion smoking. Fashion drinking. Fashion getting your underage daughter drunk and taking advantage of her on the school ski club outing.
4. Â Handguns
5. Â Commission Sean Cliver to illustrate a children’s board line.
6. Â To build on its fear-based branding, CAPiTA releases the Middle America series featuring the Flag Burner 151, Planned Parenthood 155 and Tower Bomber 160.
7. Â Roxy hires Roman Polanski to direct the next team video.
8.Â Take up active littering. Don’t act like you dropped that beer can or that cigarette. Be proud, son.
9. Â Shaun White: Gator II