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Chain of Command

After a brief talk with photographer Robbie Sell about why skiers want to be snowboarders, and so on, I decided that it is imperative we, snowboarders, learn our place in this “extreme” chain of command. Why is this important? Obviously because it is funny, and using  stereotypes is fun.

Robbie described the chain of command like this:

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Robbie’s Diagram. Skiers represent the dumpster. diagram: Nick Lipton

Mr. Sell only got the ball rolling. How far can we belittle others to create a larger, more complete chain of command in extremity? As far as we want to of course. But first we must explain Robbie’s example. Skiers have begun imitating snowboarders with their twin tipped skis, “stylish” attire, and park riding. Snowboarders have always wanted to be skateboarders. Skateboarders wish they could be Rockers, and with dumb-asses like Bono running around, it is obvious many Rockers would like to be God. But who wants to be a skier? Who is below this and that? Who is king? Only true research and a sharp sense of how to stereotype  others can provide us with answers.

To really expose this chain we must start at the bottom and work our way up. Obviously we cannot  consider snowskaters, kite boarders, skibladers, razor scooters, or any of those other silly make-believe sports into our equation. Including such activities could lead us into the troubled waters of soap shoes, heelies, and other gimmicks that should have never been invented. Along that same line of thought we are going to ignore BMX and MOTO-X simply because they have nothing to do with anything. So we begin with wakeskaters and rollerbladers, the lowliest of credible “extreme” individuals. The diagram below is my interpretation of how things could grow from there:

img_0237

My idea of who is boss.  diagram: Nick Lipton

To explain this exquisite diagram we will again start at the bottom. Rollerbladers and Wakeskaters are just silly people doing silly things, but some are making a living off of these activities so congratulations to them. Wakeskaters don’t want to move up the food chain, they are confused and believe what they are doing is actually cool. Rollerbladers on the other hand, easily lead into skiing. Two feet doing two different things and you aren’t a total laughing stock, yahoo!

I feel skiing and wakeboarding are on the same level. Both are considered “legit” by the X Games, but they are both less cool than snowboarding. So while skiers and wakeboarders won’t admit they have secret hard-ons for snowboarders, their copycat antics lead me to believe differently.

Snowboarding is of course less cool than skateboarding, no argument there. We deal with forgiving snow, an attached board, and a rather mellow learning curve. Skateboarders on the other hand deal with concrete, bails that can tear your leg off, and a steep learning curve. For example, how long did it take you to learn that 360? That nosepress? Now how long did it take you to learn kickflips? Can you kickflip? Exactly.

Moving on we must recognize that surfers exist. I can’t really swim, and being eaten by sharks sounds like bullshit to me, so fuck surfing. On the other hand those guys are doing their thing, it’s hard and it’s the original in board sports. Surfers deserve their top spot, even if it is shared.

Skateboarding leads into something, and that something is Rock Stardom. Every other skater these days is either a shitty rapper or a wannabe rocker. If they aren’t, they sure dress like it. So the envy towards Rock Stars is rather obvious.

Rock Stars have it made. They’re rich, they buy stuff like the Batmobile, and they do whatever they want. What more could they possibly want? Thanks to Bono, Ozzy Osbourne, and a number of other Rockstars it is obvious they want a God, or Satan-like status in society. Being God, Satan, or whatever mythical beast is obviously the Trump card of all. Good for those guys.

What does this all mean? It means we have people to feel better than. So the next time you’re feeling blue because a 7-year-old backside-flipped a ten-stair or some band made a great song, just remember, you can always look down on skiers, rollerbladers, wakeskaters, and a large variety of other individuals.


Every word in this post-even those based on real people-are entirely fictional. The quotes might be bullshit too.
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  • B. Croft

    ” Wakeskaters don’t want to move up the food chain, they are confused and believe what they are doing is actually cool.”- haha

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  • addison

    great article haha

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  • http://TheExtremeScene.com Cyrus

    Don’t forget your boarding history book. Without surfing we still may not have skating or snowboarding. Have respect for the ocean’s wave riders, they started this whole thing many years before and inspired the mess that currently exists.

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  • BIGWAVESHREDDA

    I feel like he gave em their due. With the whole they are the originators part. But yeah, he should learn to swim.

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  • http://yes colin

    No mixed martial arts? Everyone keeps telling me that this is both the newest and “phreshest” action sport out there. Blood, tattoos, posturing, stupid nicknames…they might be on to something…

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  • http://yobeat.com the n00b

    “Every other skater these days is either a shitty rapper or a wannabe rocker. If they aren’t, they sure dress like it.” YES. Well played.

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  • http://inrgb.com jason

    you forgot razor scooters! There are kids at the skatepark doing backflips on them so I’m pretty sure they must be sponsored for it.

    I would put them slightly above wakeskaters in your hierarchy.

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  • http://www.empireave.com Lincoln

    Gold!

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  • Kyle Kearns

    i dissagree with this article!!!!!!!!

    i wakeskate and snowboard and i would have to say that they are on the same “level”

    wakeskaters and snowboarders both “want to be” skateboarders and have very similar feels to surfing

    maybe if you actually knew what you were talking about you could write a good article.

    i realize this article was supposed to be funny, and it was…. but i think that i should stand up for wakeskating

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  • http://nwbroweather.com drexnefex

    fuckin A! nice work Lipton. this is an example of the purest use of a blog: to piss people off.

    …pretty much saying (graphically) what we all know anyways. unless your name is Kyle Kearns. but Kearns is a wakeskater and doesn’t count. HA HA LOL!!

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  • dks

    I definately think that your missing razor scooters and mountain boarding (there is a disney movie for moutain boarding, come on)

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  • http://www.ithinkyouarefunnybutIstillhateyou.com/yousuck BANGARANG!

    hahha pretty funny for someone who can’t actually do any of the boardsports/bike riding/rocking/Godliness mentioned!

    “Obviously we cannot consider snowskaters, kite boarders, skibladers, or any of those other silly make-believe sports into our equation. Including such activities could lead us into the troubled waters of soap shoes, heelies, and other gimmicks that should have never been invented.” HAHAHHAHAHHAHAA

    I can’t really talk for surfing or BMX or froot booting but I gotta say wakeskating is pretty fun even if it is below skiing

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  • Wakeskater

    Kyle Kearns is an idiot and just made wakeskating look even more rediculous with his dumb post. start riding for yourself and not for sponsors and fame dude. you are taking things too serious. you think the other sports care about where they are??? seems wakeskaters are the only ones who care about where they rank in the board sport world here hahaha.

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  • asteroidasteroid

    Where does under water painting fall into this hierarchy?

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  • http://nwbroweather.com drexnefex

    doesn’t Wakeskating require a boat? And a big truck?

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  • a

    BLOGGIN UBER ALLES

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  • Big L

    Surfing is above skateboarding no questions asked, skateboarding is rad and everything but you gotta pay your respects.

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  • http://niggaflip.com satan

    i love how people waste their time hating nick. hahahah. you’re right this was a good idea.

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  • http://niggaflip.com satan

    kyle, seriously? get your head outta your ass, wakeskating sucks and you cry about it when you try to sleep. even brooke knows it

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  • daniel

    wakeboarding is a joke. when did it start anyways like 2004?

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  • a

    BUH
    LOG
    GIN

    STR9 2 GODD STATUS WIFF NOTHING MORE THAN AN e-NETS CABLE…BYPASS ALL THIS EXTREME MASTURBATION AND GET TO THE HEART OF THE MATTER

    TRUSSIT

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  • cool kid
    • admin

      Thanks cool kid. I like your Disney IP address! Way to do some SEO!

      (0)
       
  • kyle kearns

    whatever, i dont really care what you guys think wakeskating & snowboarding > other sports

    pwnd

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  • http://www.cobradogs.com cory

    Jesus. Does nick wakeboard? Little too friendly there. Otherwise, spot on.

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  • http://twitter.com/MujerFatal high five

    wow, this is great! well done, and pretty much spot on.

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  • http://www.frontlipped.wordpress.com Jason P

    I was going to comment on that ESPN article, but the process of signing up for an account just to harass someone is far too much work.
    The just of it was going to be that maybe the “>” in Robbie’s diagram are exactly what they look like, the heads of arrows indicating a sequential order within the drawing. Leave it to a skier to confuse that fact.
    And, is it just me, or does the writer’s (over)use of italics, commas and parentheses confuse the hell out of anyone else.
    Keep it up YoBeat,

    Sincere Regards,
    FrontLipped

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  • Shoots

    The only thing legitimate in that article is the fact that snowboarders want to be skaters. Tight pants and heshin rocknrolla came back in skating awhile ago. Then Holden and laced-up snow breeches came around and everyone one-planking snowslider jumped on the skater led fashion bandwagon. Skiers are dressing like thugged out wanksters still, make fun of that one skier in the park with the nut huggers pinching their ankles and show no signs of jumping on that bandwagon. But whatever, two over-the-hill snowboarders sitting around trying to figure out their place in the world is the lamest trend of ’em all.

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  • e-thug

    have you ever seen a skier wear tight pants? its the goofiest thing i’ve ever seen haha

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  • daniel

    skateboarders dont talk about each others pants. lets be more like skateboarders

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  • kelson

    i hate to say it, but even if this article is a mockery of how we stereotype each other (which is stupid), mockery itself is even stupider. I think this is lame. it only encourages stereotyping by making it funny. dumb ass kids and dumbass adults are going to read this and think, “yeah its cool to stereotype and make fun of other people.” i mean, didn’t chris cole used to get made fun of? i heard jamie thomas say that once i think…maybe not. i dont know. but either way, we’re all trying to either “have fun” or “kill it” or “charge” or “progress” or just fucking find a “flow” depending on how you look at shit. so just let it go. let it all go man and quit talking shit. if you suck then say, “man, i suck.” and hike your lame ass back up the hill or go home. dont say, “i suck, but he sucks more.” thats weak. your shits weak. for instance, when i found out that i sucked i said, “i suck. im going to school.”

    yeah its kind of funny to mock shit. but when you mock shit youre acting stupidly. and sadly enough, stupid = funny.
    a tattoo artist once said to me, “say what you mean” when i started to mock some shit on the radio.
    dont just walk around mocking shit.
    people will laugh.
    but only because its stupid. i mean, how fucking hard is it to mock something? “hey look, im peter griffin, i can make fun of anything but never produce anything substantial.”
    grow the fuck up.
    set an example of how things should be and how people should act. don’t catapult our already lame existence further into the realm of reality tv.

    or i guess i could say, “studying the economics of labor and accounting definitely does suck at times. but at least im not wasting my time writing blogs when i should be drawing cartoons. but i cant draw. so i have to write this shit”

    LAME.
    im gonna go read vice.

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    • admin

      Hey Kelson. You are on a site who’s tag line is “making fun of snowboarding.”

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  • Schmiesery

    Advertisements told me skateboarding is cool. Same with snowboarding. Taco Bell and Mountain Dew taught me that long ago.

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  • Dan

    I loved this!

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  • jfarmer
  • BIGWAVESHREDDA

    Did Kelson just try to get hired at yobeat? Nice article dude. Go read the Christian Science Monitor or something. Nice Vice comment though, I hear those guys are really kind and never sarcastic.

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  • Big L

    I just wiped my ass with a vice mag it was the only paper in the can.. It’s tough out there these days……

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  • Handycase

    Hahahahhaa, look at the first diagram carefully. If you can see that the lines indicating the direction of the arrows are carefully penciled in AFTER the fact then you might have a chance of survival in this harsh, unforgiving world. I remember when I was in 7th grade and learned what direction means what when placing a . I laughed so hard i fell off my dinosore. making bitches LOL since 1997

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  • http://www.buyufconline.com Corey Piek

    Very Interesting Read! Looking forward to more on this subject Bookmarked your blog. Was just curious if anybody could point me to some related subject matter. Thanks in advance.

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  • Fish

    Notice the ad for the “Bangee Bungee” on the right. Looks like snowboarders and skateboarders are trying to be like wakeboarders.

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  • kelsonsucks

    Kelson sucks. Your life is a “stupid” existence. “Stupid = Funny” therefore Nick should probably write an article aimed at hippie ass free love douche bags like yourself. Oh and it should be satyrical and mocking. If we didn’t make fun out of shit, then we would have to deal with retarded shit, like your comment, with utmost seriousness. Wouldn’t that suck. Because then you wouldn’t be just a hilarious blog post that people could laugh at and make fun of, you’d be a bonified douche bag.

    Thank god for mockery and satire, because without it you’d be a hippie ass free loving douche bag, fuck head. Instead your just the but of a joke.

    Peace, ah that felt good.

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  • http://kitesports Kitemad

    I have 33 new boards sport that work with or without a kite but after 5 years I’m still the one riding them,, where is everyone

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  • http://lame.net Seriously?

    YO….This article is BEAT!

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  • basshole

    to everyone getting bent out of shape, it’s obviously one man’s opinion, and while i might not necessarily agree with him, it was an enjoyable read, one of the better articles on here in a while. at least it was better than the Kamp K2 one…

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  • https://www.facebook.com/pages/Resurrect-Dead/390591927675765 jimbo

    Stoked to see Nick acknowledge surfing as on-par with skateboarding. I’d actually put it on the halfway-side between skating and rockstars. On top of the sharks which are actually the least of our worries, you forgot about razor-sharp reef in extremely shallow water (makes concrete seem very inviting… I’ve gotten quite a few stab wounds since moving to Maui), underwater caves, and stickfish (check out the article on page 25 http://issuu.com/freesurf/docs/v9n10_fs)

    Maybe YoBeat will run some surf content alongside the skate this summer?

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  • http://www.fleshlight.com Lots uh commentz

    Can you seriously do a video with a masterbatory product???
    and an article about all your sensational experiences? how about something beneficial/enjoyable?

    BLACK HOLE
    BLACK HOLE
    BLACK HOLE
    anal — arty

    This website suuuuucks

    SUCKS

    SUCKKKKKS

    SUCKS and im not even on here enough to judge…………….

    The tagline is telling though… i wouldnt pay someone to advertise for me if they were going to make fun of me. the effort and hustle is admirable tho. not enough…..

    …….
    ….
    pussy ass bitches.

    /////////
    ……
    dick holes
    snowboarding needs positive reinforcement like a kindergartener.
    Brooke is HOT! mmm
    Log jammin. ich bin expert.

    nobody here knows WTF they’re talking about. – ‘Snowbearding’
    beer

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  • Jah Eerie

    Nice.
    Mission accomplished – all’s sorts of EXTREME feathers ruffled :)
    The marketeers like to lump us all in together,
    but I’ve always considered ‘our thing’ as Board Sports – Skate/Surf/Snow
    Nothin against bikers – in fact lots of them are way more Rockstar than the other Extremites.
    Bottom line, as long as you’re not Fruitbootin/Skiing/Snakeboardin there’s still a slim chance you’ll make it past the pearly gates.
    Amen.

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  • http://Boodogwinches.com Poptart

    Watch this Nick Lipton. Anyone of these kids have 50 more tricks on a snowboard than you possibly could have on a wakeskate, or rollerblades.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkvpFeiUlm0&list=SP5BDFC4BE66AAC928

    Kyle Kerns Is better than you. Every fcking one of you. Even you….pansy ass binding wearers.

    Wakeskating is fun, better than wakeboarding/wakesurfing. If we could all just agree to hate standuppaddle more than any of these I would be ok.

    I know when I get my banana hammock on and my tall socks. Pull that jetski off the lift to go out and bust some sweet 90deg ollies, I know I look way better than any rollerblader.

    Hate on yobeaters, we will be wakeskating all summer long while you sit inside thinking about how much cooler you are than everyone.

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  • http://Sagaouterwear.com Jerm

    I might be able to find this amusing if I were sure Nick didn’t actually believe and live by these diagrams. If anyone takes these hierarchies as their way of life that is sad. The only people trying to make their activity something else are the ones without any creativity. Everyone likes to claim surfing, skating, snowboarding, etc are art forms. If that is the case why would you limit yourself in what you can take inspiration from by alienating similar activities? Personally I think its incredibly foolish and narrow minded to only look to one other activity for inspiration. All you’re doing is limiting yourself.

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  • Pingback: YoBeat: Making Fun of Snowboarding Since 1997 » Startup of the Week: Deezle Stick and Flick()

  • Ben

    Skateboarding > All

    Wakeskating is closer to skateboarding than snowboarding.

    Hit some rails on a snowboard……Thats not hard, your strapped in.

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  • mike

    what about snowskating?

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