(reported from the eastern theater by YoBeat’s war correspondent David S. Bobolay)
“…..AND THEY USED THESE EASTERN STATES AS A TYPE OF BLOCKAD,E A BARRIER TO HELP PROTECT THE VAST RICHES OF THE MOTHERLAND. THIS BLOCKADE BECAME KNOWN AS AN IRON CURTAIN, AN IMPENETRABLE WALL TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD. INHABITANTS OF THESE EASTERN STATES WERE REGARDED AS INFERIOR AND UNIMPORTANT. THEIR TALENTS WERE DISREGARDED AND OVERLOOKED. IGNORED BY THEIR HOMELAND AND FORGOTTEN ABOUT BY THE REST OF THE WORLD, THESE PEOPLE BEGAN TO STRIVE HARDER TO MAKE THE OUTSIDE WORLD STEP BACK AND TAKE NOTICE. A VAST OPULENT SOCIETY BEGAN TO RISE UP AND FLOURISH BEHIND THIS SO CALLED CURTAIN. SOON THESE EASTERN STATES WERE READY, READY TO STRIKE BACK AT THE HOME THAT HAD ABANDONED THEM, AND SHOW THE WORLD JUST WHAT WAS BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN……….”
It seems that finally peace has come to this savage land buried deep behind this eastern blockade, people are slowly beginning to emerge from their winter hidings, birds are chirping, and little children are playing once again in the lush green mountain grass. This is a stark contrast however to the bitter and beastly nightmares that gripped this land just a short time ago. A storm so ferocious and furious ripped through these here parts that even old tobacco Joe who’s ice fished the waters of the great Saki every day of winter since 1908 had to call it quits. The sound of tanks and the echo of mortars rocked these hills and valleys for what seemed like an eternity. A battalion of young generals hungry for fame and fortune raped and pillaged the east’s handrails early in the season. General Brian Barb along with corporals Mathison and Flood flattened everything from Plymouth to Manchester. Meanwhile an equally grueling and devastating battle was being waged on the Killington area by General Mutty and his crew of Syvertson, Bayne and McDermott. These two gifted generals executed their flawless plan to perfection when they joined forces under the command of supreme allied commander Eric Kovall in Worcester Mass and laid waste to the sleeping city.
This masterful plan of two grueling armies barging ahead to one final destination was initially designed by master war criminal Carter Olcott who orchestrated the famous battle of Jersey in late January. Essentially Carter led a cracked commando unit that included Ross Powers, Jaime Macleod, Colin Langlois, and Adam Petraska into the heart of Jersey. Once there the team rendezvoused with the infamous tactical special ops unit of the Grenade Army, which was led by generals Matt and Danny Kass. This powerhouse of firepower cleaned out Jersey of all prize money and laid waste to all local drinking establishments. But the battle didn’t stop there. After joining forces Danny, Ross and Jaime infiltrated the contest circuits and began claiming all of the prize money there as well. Corporal Flood became known as Shane the Terrible as he plowed through anything that came across his path. With a legion of snowmobiles at his command General Franke blasted through New Hampshire with vengeance and in one striking blow to the enemy, Franke laid claim to a monstrous gap in a secret mountain hideout. Romain Demarchi, Ron Chiodi, Kyle Clancy, and Terje Haakonsen battled for quarterpipe supremacy. Wicked and terrible isolated battles raged all through the spring due to the unusually grueling weather patterns. Then just recently the battle changed fronts, the barrage of rockets and cluster bombs finally ceased. Authorities finally were able to muster up enough of a regiment to have a recognizance team scower the abandoned compound in Plymouth. The only clues that were found was some writing on the wall that said BAKER WAS HERE, a tattered Odyssey shirt, an Easter bunny mask, and a sign with the letters KTRON. Authorities were just plain miffed but calls for assistance have already begun flooding in from the west. Savage tales have come out of the Mammoth area regarding what appears to be the work of Shane the Terrible, Generals Kass, Knaack, Langlois, and special agent Diamond. Also there have been strange reports of an obnoxious spray painted van reeking havoc, as well as several confirmed reports of a major encampment of the eastern war criminals in the Mt. Hood area.
So what! What can we do, how will we ever hope to catch these criminals? Well young readers it seems that these little monsters were extremely vain. You see the rumor is that there is a tape, a bloody glove if you will. These little buggers recorded all of their exploits, they got together with Eastern Boarder, Ride Snowboards, Mia Snowboards, Grenade Gloves, and Eastern Edge Magazine and they recorded everything. All of the carnage, all of the mayhem, all of the destruction is just waiting to be viewed. Supposedly this tape will be available at snowboard and skate shops everywhere in September so look out!
I have successfully recovered from the shrapnel I took to the leg. I tell ya it was worse than Nam, Napalm everywhere! I will be heading back out to the battlefield where apparently on the Hood front the war has already begun raging full on! For god sakes if you see that Tape marked IRON CURTAIN at your local shop buy it, tell everyone to buy it so that people know what’s going on and this won’t happen again! If your shop doesn’t have it make them get it! Supposedly the idiots left a number. It goes to someplace called Blue Collar Distribution, and there’s a guy there named Jaime that may know where the tape is.
Be afraid! again this is YoBeat war correspondent David S. Bobolay signing off from behind the Iron Curtain……..